What Pushes My Buttons

2008-09-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

2008-01-04T06:30:00.001-08:00

My big fat Greek New Years

Firstly happy New Year's too all! Hope the holiday season treated you all well.

My New Year's Eve was very entertaining. The night started with some drinks and appetizers and led to a restaurant in Astoria (which I hold off from mentioning in case they decide to send us a bill). Let's just say (without naming names) that three out of the six of us got a little sick (not me) in the restaurant bathroom, leading two out of the six to leave the restaurant shortly after appetizers arrived.

Anyway, sparing you all of the sickly details, the rest of the evening was actually pretty entertaining, despite the fact that we knew no one else in the restaurant and apparently everyone else there knew each other or knew the waitresses and owners. So it basically felt like we were crashing someone's wedding, especially since most patrons were dressed in suits and dresses (and we were their white trash cousins dressed in sweaters and jeans). There was live music with an acoustic guitar duo singing traditional Greek folk songs and eventually some of the restaurant patrons started dancing to said traditional Greek folk songs which led to more Greek traditions. But before I get into that let me just rave about the food for a moment.

The food was exceptional and arrived in droves. A greek salad arrived alongside shrimp that was placed in a phyllo pastry puff, a plate of grilled sausage and marinated meatballs. Unfortunately it was already 10:30pm by the time apps had arrived and we wouldn't see our main courses until well after midnight.

Like 45 minutes after midnight.

However despite our stomachs on revolt and the novelty of making noise with party favors wore off, the main courses didn't disappoint. We were treated to lamb, shrimp and steak. Being that this was authentic greek, I went straight for the lamb which was tender and juicy. Forgoing knife and fork, I grabbed said chop in my grubby paws and went to town (my apologies for the shitty pics my camera phone took).

Lamb

Steak

Shortly after stuffing our face with meaty goodness out came the dessert. Needless to say I was all over the baklava.

During dinner and dessert is when the dancing started. It was entertaining watching everyone dance around in circles, with their arms held high snapping their fingers.

But then the most unexpected thing happened (which I later found out was another Greek tradition). Some of the men in the restaurant started making it rain (the first three are videos - click to play).

I found out that throwing money around is a way to garner wealth and prosperity in the coming year.

Granted these guys were only throwing wads of singles in the air, but by the time we were ready to leave there had to be a few hundred dollars worth of singles on the floor.

Crazy times. Those greeks know how to party!

2007-12-21T16:33:00.000-08:00

Vacation - a brief recap

I may have misled some of you into thinking we took an exotic vacation based on the previous pics of the beach.

Well we did go down Souf to Florida. But only to the extremely exotic location of Orlando, Florida.

Our trip was to Universal Studios, to which I have never been.

Since we got down there a few hours before our hotel opened, we decided to do what anyone else would do in Orlando in the late morning. Play mini-golf.

However the mini-golf gods weren't pleased with our playing mini-golf at 11am apparently, as they caused my shorts to rip. How you ask? Well I straddled a bench to get my ball that had gotten away from me and into the water. And then psssssffft. We got a ripper.

As you could image I was pretty despondent after my "wardrobe malfunction"

But I finally sucked it up, and we went to play in the park.

Right off the bat we went for the Hulk ride...which is a looping, twister fast coaster. Ordinarily I would have laughed my way through, but only after popping some motion sickness pills. Sans pills the ride was still fun, but I was definitely a little nauseaus afterwards.

Luckily I resisted the urge to blow chunks

After finally settling down, we grabbed drinks at Pat O'Brien's, home of the famous hurricane.

After treating myself to some shrimp gumbo

and a muffaletta, day one came to a peaceful end capped by a gorgeous "moonset" over Universal

and checking into our "futuristic" hotel.

Day two found more fun at Universal's Islands of Adventure, where we met some four legged friends

The pug you may recognize as Frank from Men in Black II.

After passing on some turkey legs for lunch

we took a quick drive over to Hollywood.

After returning from our drive, the rest of day was full of attractions and rides, such as the standing roller coaster Dueling Dragons and the most soaking water rides you'll ever go on. Seriously. We were drenched for about two hours.

Day 2 capped off with a Macy's themed parade where we saw some interesting friends

Nice dance move there

Shrek knows I'm the man

How did they know I just love a girl in cake?

Day 3 was filled with even more rides and fun, including going back to double dip on the Hulk ride, Doctor Doom and Spiderman's virtual reality ride. After 6 hours of non-stop action, we needed to break for a well needed drink

I won't bore you with the rest of the details from our trip but overall it was a great mini-getaway. Plus the park was EMPTY! There were no lines and we were able to go from ride to ride with ease. Definitely advised to go there the week before the week before xmas. In fact the only people there other than us were pretty much European tourists.

Before I depart, wanted to share some of my mad photo skills with y'all (Don't say you're not impressed ;)

2007-12-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

On Vacation

WhatPushesMyButtons is on vacation this week.

Enjoy the cold weather everyone! :)

2007-12-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

How nice of her!!!

So got this email in my Inbox this morning.

----
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 08:31:30 +0000 (GMT)
From: KTFlynn@san.rr.com
Subject: I wish you well

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Felicia Adam Swanson I am a dying woman who have
decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old and I
was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago.I have been touched by
God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you
for the good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe
he has because He is a merciful God.I will be going in for an
operation later today.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of (five.five
million dollars.)to you for the good work of the lord,and also to help
the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the
widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due
to the fact that my relatives (They had squandered the funds i gave
them for this purpose before)are around me and my health status.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware.I wish you all the best
and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds
well and always extend the good work to others.Contact my lawyer with
this : Name: Barrister William Francis. Tel:+447011132753
williamfrancis_chambers@yahoo.it

Tell him that I have WILLED(US$5.5M) to you by quoting my personal
reference number Jl/Wds/953/5015/GwrI/316 us/uk and I have also
notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a good work.I
know I dont know you but I have been directed to do this.Thanks and
God Bless.

Regards,
Felicia Adam Swanson
----

I mean how sweet is she???? She donated $5.5 million dollars to me/it/my church! I'm so eternally grateful I'm about to cry. I mean I know she said she doesn't know me but she has been "directed to do this" by God. Maybe my wish of hitting the lotto has finally come true!!!

I'm going to email Barrister William Francis right away with all of my banking information and my social security number so he can deposit the $5.5 million to me! Needless to say I'll share my new found riches with all of my faithful readers out there!

So in turn, if you'd like to receive some of my riches, please email me or reply to this post with your Name, Address, Banking Information, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Maiden Name, Occupation, Name of your first born or unborn child, your pants size, Eye Color, Hair Color, Toenail length, Name of your pet, Your preferred Underwear brand, The number of teeth in your mouth, and most importantly all of your credit card numbers, expiration dates and three digit ID # on the back of your credit card.

Once you send me all of that information, I'll be sure to directly deposit a lump sum of no less than $1,000 to your accounts!

I know...how kind of me. But I'm just sharing the wealth, just like Felicia Adam Swanson shared her wealth with me!

Make it rain bitch...make it rain!

2007-12-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

Pizza Pizza

So our friends at the ACLU (that would be the Ass Clowns Leaveusthefuckalone Union) are at it again. This time they've produced a very tongue-in-cheek example of what ordering pizza could be like in the year 2010. (click link or image to play)

Basically the guy calls up his local pizzeria, the Pizza Palace, and they have his whole history on file, including his health conditions (among them impotence - very funny ACLU) and a warning from his insurance provider that the Double Meat Special pizza he wants is bad for him and thus he'll have to pay an extra "Health Surcharge" for his pies.

Now while this is meant to be nothing more than a "holy shit, let's stop this from happening now" fluff piece from our favorite Asshole Cleaning Lickers Union, it could very well happen in the not so distant future. Especially if that whole "GoogleZon" idea ever comes to fruition.

But for now, take heart that invasion of privacy such like this is probably way down the road. So don't listen to what the "We do more harm in the world than good" cocksuckers have to say.

In fact we should concentrate on more important things than trying to find "civil liberties" for humankind. Like, for example, eliminating the sounds of farts in public. Now THAT'S something we can all get 'behind' right?

Well now we can. All we need to do is purchase some Toot Tones and all of our pesky fart noises would turn into cheerful, harmless cell phone rings!

Now all we need to do is find a way to turn our 'gas emissions' into some sort of usable environmentally friendly substance that could fuel our automobiles. Now that would be extemely practicable! Just think, when you can say "I have enough gas in me to get me to Pittsburgh", you could really mean it!

2007-12-05T06:37:00.001-08:00

Grimgrinch Rascalton

So I was passed along an email yesterday to "find my grinch" name.

Normally I don't play along but this was actually pretty fun, in an office humor dorky sorta way (click on the image to launch the page).

If you use my full name, Christopher, my grinch name becomes: Meanmonkey Rascalton.

Nice...i always wanted to be a Mean Monkey. Actually I had auditioned for a mean monkey part in Family Guy, but got beaten out by the much more sinister looking Evil Monkey.

Anyway, thought it would be fun for everyone to share their Grinch name. Sort of like a bonding experience to pull together the WPMB audience this holiday season.

So please reply to this post with a comment stating your Grinch name!

Btw...happy Hannukah to all of our Jewish friends out there.

2007-12-04T06:31:00.000-08:00

Jaws of Life

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph

Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

2007-11-30T07:54:00.000-08:00

Friday Randomness

So did you guys hear about this...did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah...apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.

Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I'm a bit hungover so you'll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I'd share with y'all some videos that I've taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it...well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:

This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:

Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.

Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.

Perhaps he was trying to be the world's tallest banana. (yep...i'll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here's some clips from the show:

Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:

That's all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

2007-11-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

Attention Holiday Shoppers

Consumers: Be aware of pickpocketers this holiday season.

Employers: Be aware of employees this holiday season.

Funny how I was walking behind this guy the other day with this Loss Prevention jacket and a shopping bag. I mean, call it irony right? Of course I'm sure he was just taking home some merchandise he purchased at the store. But hey, you never know right? But why would he wear that jacket out on the street like that?

Personally I know no one will fuck with my shit this holiday season or in general.

Why?

I have a nice grizzly watching over my stuff:

Try stealing my stapler now bitch. Have a bear bite your hand off. See how that feels.

2007-11-28T07:15:00.000-08:00

What are the odds?

Before I begin, let's have a quick moment of silence for Mr. Gatorade himself, Dr. Robert Cade, who passed away at the age of 80:

Gatorade is far superior to Vitamin Water or Powerade or any other "performance drink" out there. Plus Gatorade is the next best thing for a hangover besides a Bloody Mary! So thank you, Dr. Robert Cade for your invention. You'll be missed.

So once again I saw our favorite friend on the subway last night: the David Koresh/Bruce Vilanch look-a-like in the flesh!

Albeit the last picture of him was a little clearer but can't believe I was actually sitting across from this guy again. What are the odds of that happening in a city of 10 gazillion people?

Speaking of NYC and people, I'm actually pretty psyched to see the movie "I Am Legend" with Will Smith. Especially since I recently read a book entitled "The World Without Us" by Alan Weisman. Actually I read the book back in the Spring, months before it even was out on the presses (I got my hands on an advanced copy). The book is now a New York Times Best Seller! Talk about being ahead of the curve!

The book was definitely enthralling and spoke about what would happen to the world if humans ceased to exist right now. It got to be a bit scientific regarding chemical compounds and how it related to objects disintegrating, so if you like that sort of thing, this is right up your alley. But it also offered a great view back throughout time and spoke about the evolution and migration of species, which facinated the hell out of me (I eat that shit up). My favorite part was the discussion of what NYC used to be like, populated by Bear and Wolves. Apparently bear used to fish for salmon down in a spring that bisected lower Manhattan (now known as Spring Street).

The website for the book is pretty cool as well, full of multimedia to depict possible scenerios should humans cease to exist today. Here are some pictures depicting what NYC would look like if humans ceased to exist right now:

After 2 days of no humans

After 2-4 years of no humans

After 5 years of no humans

After 300 years of no humans

After 500 years of no humans

After 15,000 years of no humans

The book explains why this would happen, ranging anywhere from habitat reemerging by way of weeds, plants and animals and the lack of humans to keep up maintenance in our subway tunnels, buildings and bridges.

I'm sure all the pigeon-fuckers out there would be thrilled with this scenerio...although then they wouldn't be around to fuck their pigeon friends up the ass, so they'll miss out.

Anyway the book is definitely a must-read if you like to read about scientific and reality based "what-if" scenerios and are a fan of the world and its environment in general.

2007-11-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving: A Photo Journal

So as promised (albeit a few days late) here is a "photo essay" of my Thanksgiving day feast [this is especially for you L.K...if you still even visit anymore consider how neglectful I've been about visiting you recently...or anyone else for that matter. :( ]

A little shrimp cocktail appetizer

The bird

My "children's plate" side of veggies

Round 1

Round 2

Dessert is served:

2007-11-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

A friendly reminder

Please carve your turkeys humanely this Thanksgiving. They sure would appreciate it!

This message has been Chuck Norris approved!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Go COWBOYS!!!

2007-11-21T06:31:00.000-08:00

And you thought the Patriots were perfect?!?

Sure...gloat about the unstoppable Patriots offense. And rave about their defense if you will. But they did go undefeated WITHOUT giving up a point all season???

Did they? (Well assuming they go 16-0 that is).

Nope...didn’t think so.

After throwing the next to impossible shutout in Nintendo Baseball, I tried to go for another unbelievable feat: going an entire season in Tecmo Bowl without giving up a single point.

Not one.

Those who played the game know as the weeks go on, the competition gets tougher (as in the computer gets faster). Game play during the Tecmo Bowl itself is lightning quick for Nintendo standards.

Last time I attempted this feat with the Bears, I gave up a TD in week 5 to the Dolphins. Given that the Bears D is probably still one of the better units in Tecmo Bowl, I figured I’d give them first crack at trying to achieve the seemingly impossible.

Would they succeed in their quest? Here are the results:

Week 1 saw the Vikings go down hard 70-0. Not much of a contest for the Bears. This one was over from the start when Willie Gault ran back to opening kickoff to the Vikings 10.

Week 2 came the Dolphins, who ended my quest early last go around in Week 5. This time was almost the case again as Marino led his troops on a last second drive down the field. With time winding down in the 4th Qtr the Dolphins had first and goal from the 9. After a short run followed by a Bears sack, they had 3rd and Goal from the 11 with 5 seconds left. Marino dropped back in the pocket and found Duper underneath. Dave Duerson met Duper at the goalline and Mike Singletary came in for the tackle to preserve the shutout. Whew. Talk about dramatic. Just about matched the Rams tackling the Titans in just shy of the end zone in Super Bowl XIVJESUSTHESUPERBOWLGAMETAKESFOREVERDOESNTITIMJUSTSAYING. Final score, 63-0.

So now my hands were already sweating and it was only week 2. If fate wasn’t on my side now, it never would be.

Week 3 saw my beloved Cowboys take a crack at the Bears. They should have just stayed in the locker room as the Bears steamrolled Herschel Walker and friends 62-0.

The Giants stepped up to the plate in Week 4, boasting perhaps the second best D in Tecmo Bowl next to the Bears.

Lawrence Taylor and friends were flying around the field, but Walter Peyton was too much too handle as the Bears chipped away with short gains all day. Meanwhile Simms, Morris and Bavaro went nowhere fast. Final score 61-0, thanks to 2 Giants blocks of extra points (their specialty in Tecmo).

Week 5 bought the Raiders and boy was I relieved to see Bo Jackson in week 5 rather than in the Tecmo Bowl. So the Bears definitely caught a break there. But regardless, the Bears keyed in on stopping Bo who only ripped off one decent sized run. Marcus Allen went nowhere and a whole bunch of Mike Singletary INT’s made Tecmo Bo a blip on the radar, 66-0.

Week 6 had John Elway and his high flying aerial attack and Tony Dorsett on the ground. The Bears played a bit of prevent all game and it led to Elway leading the Broncos on a few long drives. However a few key Singletary INT’s, including one in the end zone! and one on the Bears 20 kept the Broncos off the board. Almost lost the shutout but thanks to my boy Singletary the shutout remained in tact. Final score, 52-0.

Week 7 saw the Seahawks who had a formidable D anchored by Brian Bosworth and a deep threat in Steve Largent. However Dave Krieg couldn’t out throw Mike Singletary, who helped out with double coverage on Largent and the rest of the team stuffed the run all game. With the win, the Bears are the Division Champs! But who cares about that, the shutout still in tact, Bears in a rout, 63-0.

Week 8 and the competition was heating up. Fortunately the Colts were next and these are definitely not the Manning Colts of today. Jack Trudeau was ineffective as best as the D focused on shutting down Eric Dickerson, holding him to negative yards on the ground. The Colts D was able to pick off McMahon once deep in their own end late in the 4th qtr, keeping the score a “respectable” 56-0.

Week 9 and I felt the anticipation via my sweaty palms. Eight straight games without a break and up were the Browns, who faced the Bears in my last go round in week 9 as well. Knowing the Browns put up points on the Bears last time thanks to their special teams the Bears tightened down the screws on kick coverage. Bernie Kosar looked rattled all day as blitzes came and went. Kevin Mack had a few runs of 10+ but mostly was kept in check by a swarming Bears D. The Bears offense struggled with the stingy Browns D, but was able to hit Willie Gault on a few deep bombs to win the Division championship in a laugher, 49-0.

Week 10 saw the 49ers and Joe Montana. With Jerry Rice running deep routes and Roger Craig pounding away yardage on the ground, the Bears D had their work cut out for them. As did the offense with Kevin Carter busting up the middle every play and Ronnie Lott roaming the secondary. Willie Gault set the tone with a long opening kick return and the Bears put up a quick 14 in the first. The first half was uneventful as the Bears kept Montana in check to go up 28-0. The second half was tougher as the Niners drove down the field several times. However the Bears stiffened, stopping the 49ers on several 4th down attempts inside Bears territory. The Bears ate some clock with the ground game and short passes and took what the Niners D gave them. A tough one, but the D held up en route to a 42-0 victory.

Tecmo Bowl. It all came down to one game. One last stand to preserve an undefeated and un-scored-upon season. The Redskins. The hated Redskins were the opponent. Doug Williams, Timmy Smith and Monk and Sanders at WR. The D led by Dexter Manley. Tough, grind it out kind of game expected. The Bears D had Williams confused all game and gutted out plenty of three and outs leading to punts. The Bears put together long drive after long drive that ate away precious time on the clock. Walter was magnificant, ripping off a few long runs for TDs as the Bears piled up the points.

In the 4th Quarter up 42-0 all the Bears had to make were a few last defensive stands (click to play video):

After Singletary's pick, the Bears only foe was the clock. The Bears attempted to run out the clock but Peyton was stuffed cold twice. A short gain on 3rd down led to a 4th and 6th. Bears went for it from the Redskins 30 instead of kicking a FG. McMahon was sacked on the play, giving the ball back to the Redskins with one last chance to end the Bears hopes of not giving up a point.

On 3rd and 12 the Redskins needed a big play (click to play video):

Stuffed, like a Thanksgiving turkey. And why they punted on 4th down I'll never know. So the Bears had the ball back with 20 seconds to go. Picking up another 1st down would seal the deal:

It's done!!! AN ENTIRE SEASON WITHOUT YIELDING A POINT! 42-0 is your final! Awesome stuff. My Nintendo record setting day was complete. A shutout in Baseball and an entire season of Tecmo Bowl without yielding a single point. Holy fucking shit.

Btw, if you're keeping count: Bears 626. Opponents 0. Take that Belichek!

2007-11-20T05:26:00.000-08:00

What a week it's been!

So again, apologies for the lack of updates recently. Been a crazy time at work and it seems like just about every agency is in "hurry up and put their 2008 plans together before the holiday" mode. So needless to say there hasn't been much time to blog, let alone have any energy left at the end of the day to say something productive.

Then when I finally thought I had something funny to say, I came across that whole girls in a cup phenonemon that's all the internet rage these days. If you haven't seen it, consider yourself blessed. It's pretty nasty. If you really, really wanna be grossed out go to http://www.2girls1cup.com/

I was told that my blog would be boycotted if I showed the video or pictures of what transpires on the site. So I guess I'll refrain.

So onto more cheerful stuff that doesn't involve girls licking what appears to be coffee ice cream.

\/

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Sorry B...had to do it....sorry.

Anyway, this past weekend I was feeling very lazy after an exhausting week so I decided to hook up the ole Nintendo and take a pass at trying to finally achieve "my lifelong dream" of throwing a shutout in Nintendo Baseball.

I know...after giving up a Homerun with 2 strikes in the bottom of the ninth (that was all caught on video no less) I decided to give it another whirl. The ole' college try as they say.

After taking my first shutout bid into the 7th inning with the "Y" (Yankees) vs. the "C" (Cardinals) I gave up a double and then a two out single that broke up the shutout. Undeterred, but extremely pissed off, I tried again and this time took out my frustrations on the "P" (Phillies) by pouring the runs on. Instead of trying to keep the game close to avoid that "Nintendo cheat" where the losing team always comes back, I figured I'd try to demoralize the hell out of my opponent. Would they be lifeless if I put up a 10 spot on them? I was determined to find out.

I jumped on the computer very early putting up 5 in the first and 5 more in the second. I hadn't scored more than 22 runs before in Nintendo Baseball and I already had 10 in the first two innings! Meanwhile I worked 1-2-3 innings in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

After tacking on 4 more runs in the 4th I had a nice 14-0 lead. Here comes the cheat. After a leadoff double I tried to bear down. I threw some really good curve balls (amazing how you could make the ball move even in 1985 crappy Nintendo Baseball) and got back to back K's. Then I got a grounder to SS to end the threat. The 5th inning was uneventful but my bats awoke in the 6th, putting up 5 more runs. 19-0 now. If the computer wasn't devasted now, I don't know when they'd ever be. I
got into minor trouble in the bottom of the 6th, but a nifty DP took care of business. I figured up 19-0 it may be time to record this puppy for immortality. Hopefully I wasn't bringing on the jinx. But first it was time to go for 20.

After putting runners on the corners with 0 out, 20 was in definite reach. After scratching home the 20th run, I got two quick outs. But then the big blow came in leiu of a nice 3 run homer to break my personal record of runs scored in a game.

A three run homer gave me a new high in runs scored

Up 24-0 I was beyond amped. Only 3 innings to go and I wasn't about to blow this opportunity. After getting two quick outs on sharply hit balls I gave up a double in the gap. Shit...had I pissed the computer off to the point that my shutout was doomed?

Whew...bullet dodged there. With renewed vigor the bats continued to pile on the offense in the top of the 8th.

Holy shit, 27-0. Unreal. 30 was a definite possibility at this point! But more importantly I wanted the shutout.

After adding another run to make it 28-0, to the bottom of the 8th we went. 6 outs away from a dream fulfilled. Again I found myself in trouble, giving up a one out double. After inducing a popup it was 2 outs with a runner on 2nd. Here's the play:

You could hear the excitement in my voice. It was a mixture of glee and anxiety. And disbelief.

After going scoreless in the top of the 9th I took my 28-0 lead into the bottom of the 9th. Just 3 outs away.

Here's the entire 9th inning in it's entirety:

Unbelievable! Can't believe I did it. Sure I screamed like a little girl. But who cares. It more than made my day. I think I was more excited about that then the Yanks or Cowboys winning a championship.

With my new found Baseball success I tried to complete another feat. Going an entire season in Tecmo Bowl without giving up a single point.

Was I successful? Tune in later to find out!

2007-11-13T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm from Hollywood...Florida??

So probably 0.0000001% of you saw this today (well yesterday by the time this post goes up in Wordpress land), but thousands of cranky NYC commuters did. On page 6 of AM New York (too bad it wasn't the "other page six") I was quoted in the "Sound Off" area of the paper.

My quote was my response to the feeding the pigeon ban fiasco as reported here on Monday. I was engaged in a heated debate on the AM New York site about the ban and seemed to be the only one in favor of it.

In the message board I was called "an animal hater" and basically told to go to hell by some pigeon fucking assholes.

But nonetheless, in plain print was my opinion on the matter:

If you want to see the paper in its entirety you can view it here: http://www.amny.com/media/acrobat/2007-11/23136028.pdf

Now, I'm definitely honored that they would select my quote to appear in the newspaper. I haven't been quoted in a newspaper since my college days, and that's when I was quoted as saying Marv Albert was my role model just a few days before he was found biting prostitutes in the back. So this ink was decidely much more positive.

Actually my full quote on the site was: "I wholeheartedly agree with the ban. If you grew up in any part of the city you know that by and large pigeons are for the most part pests. Their shit literally rots away our bridges and buildings. They don't contribute anything to the city. They're not pretty and "bird watchable" by any means. Anyone feeding a pigeon should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Perhaps their punishment should be having a gang of pigeons shitting in their house for a week and we'll see how they like it."

So AM New York did some censorship on my behalf. But whatever. These days you can't even print the word shit without the Federal Cocksucking Commission coming down on you. But to see what the discussion forum was where they grabbed my quote, you can view it here: http://www.topix.net/forum/source/am-new-york/TPG285OEGMQ7RGO4F.

It's definitely worth a laugh seeing how stupid these pigeon fuckers are. Especially this douchebag Adam quoted besides me in the paper. Does his quote even make sense? Seriously. "Does anyone even know the price of gas? Anyone know what the implications are?". What the fuck does that have to do with eliminating pigeon shit asshole? Way to make a complete asshole out of yourself. If this was a debate I would have wiped the floor with him.

Anyway, what pissed me off was the quote said I lived in Hollywood, Florida. I mean I'm not knocking Hollywood, FL. I'm sure it's a lovely community of dinosaurs and retired Jews from up north.

I mean, it's on the ocean. It has it's own government. And it's welcome sign is a lot nicer than that shitty sign that greets you out in the "other Hollywood":

You sit there and tell me that sign is not nicer than this piece of shit:

I rest my case.

But still, it was a little bizarre to see someone quoted on a NYC pigeon shitting problem from Hollywood, FL. I just about lost all my street cred with that one.

Thanks alot AM New York.

2007-11-12T05:53:00.000-08:00

Finally a bill worth passing!

Firstly...how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it's well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.

A pigeon performing a "shit and run" in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a "pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city's pigeon-related complaints".

Now if the city had any brains at all they'd appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I'd effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I'd unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender's house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I'd lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I'd "humanely execute" all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time....they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I'm the only one with these thoughts? Think again.

Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There's countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the "heros" who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder's proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let's keep the damn pigeon population under control!

2007-11-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

Ain't no bagel worth no $1,000

Na ah. A bagel worth one large? Fuggetaboutit.

But it's the truth son.

Some fancy pants chef created this so called "$1,000 bagel" using white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Say what?

The bagel is the brainchild of chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel. Apparently proceeds from the bagel go to some foundation for aspiring chefs. But regardless could you imagine just asking for a bagel and cream cheese and having to whip out 10 benjamins to pay for it? Grandma Ruthie would have a heart attack. I mean a bagel with lox these days is expensive enough!

But, $1,000 for a bagel is just a drop in the bucket compared to this $25,000 hot chocolate!

Apparently this hot chocolate served at Seredipity (where else) called a "Frrozen Haute Chocolate," is a mixture of 28 types of cocoas, 14 which apparently are the "most expensive and exotic from around the globe". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize there were more exotic brands of hot chocolate than Ghirardelli. Fuck, I don't think I get much more fancy than the 60 pack of Swiss Miss.

If that's not enough, the dessert is "infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound."

Oh and to top it off, "it is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home."

What the fuck. That shit better give you an instant orgasm in your pants and better get you laid all night...especially after paying $25k for that shit! You know how many women you can get at one time with $25k??? (Wait before you answer that, I forgot that's not even a drop in the bucket apparently at Scores, where that poor bastard ran up a $250,000 tab a few years back). How the fuck did he do that again?

And I'm sorry...if I'm buying my significant other a bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds, I sure as hell ain't covering that shit in any chocolate or whipped cream. Talk about devalueing a piece of jewelry. Do that with a piece of shit piece of jewelry you buy at the mall or at Spencer's Gifts that ain't cost more than $1.

Ridiculous. Really. There's millions of starving people out there, and assholes are buying desserts and bagels for thousands of dollars. No wonder why so many people hate Americans.

2007-11-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

The votes are in...

And there's a new presidential candidate in town.

Fresh off Stephen Colbert withdrawing his nomination in the state of South Carolina for a possible presidential run, another candidate has filled his void.

This candidate is full of anger and hate but is a great debater and would instill fear into all who opposed him.

That candidate is none other than Angry Bear!

The Angry Bear has already been hitting the campaign trails with full force. His popularity, spurred by his appearance in the Borat movie, is growing by the day.

Although he'll need to act quickly to get all the support he can before he hibernates for the winter.

And he'll need to shed that grizzlied exterior too in favor of a softer look. Perhaps he can take a cue from Johnny Damon:

An appearance on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn't hurt either ;)

2007-11-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Are you 'shitting' me

So thanks to John for this 'scoop' today.

Apparently there's a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff's office warning of a new drug called "Jenkem".

This drug is "a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past".

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), "the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995."

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.

The Smoking Gun hasn't found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Actually it's been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can't really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn't put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it's doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

2007-11-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

Race Day

So as everyone knows yesterday was the NYC Marathon and while I'm not a runner in any sense of the word, I'm proud to say I was able to jump in with Rich for a few miles. I'm surprised I even made it as far as my apt on 100st to the Willis Ave Bridge on 125th (which was over a mile). But I went further, and actually made it into the Bronx and back into Manhattan, cutting out of the race around 125th and 5th.

Honestly just having the people watching and rooting you on is a great experience and keeps you motivated to keep going. I honestly don't know how marathoners can keep that up for all 26.2 miles, but I can see where you get the thrill and adraneline to keep pushing yourself to the finish. If my knees ever hold up it would be cool to run the entire marathon. Maybe I'll just get a job as one of those bikers though...seems to be a little easier on the knees :)

Waiting for the call

Into the crowd

Off and running

Even though I'm extremely sore, I definitely won't complain. I got to meet and hang out with a man who, despite his physical disabilities, just completed his 40th marathon on Sunday.

Jason Pisano is an extremely gifted athlete from Rhode Island who has cerebal palsy. He pushes well beyond his physical limitations however and is on a quest to finish 50 marathons in their entirety. Most athletes will only attempt a handful of marathons in their lifetime, but Jay is only 10 short from completing his goal of 50.

Jay on the road during Sunday's marathon

Not only is he an extraordinary athlete, he lights up the room with his smile and personality. He is very well known and instantly recognizable, and just last night during dinner we had a few people come up to our table and offer their congrats to him on finishing the race.

To read more about Jason and his quest for 50 marathons, you can go to: http://www.teampisano.blogspot.com/

If you would like to support Jason or Disabled Athletes in general, you may do so through the National Disability Sports Alliance.

To specifically help support Jason's training and racing through the NDSA (a 501C(3) non-profit organization) you can make checks payable to:

NDSA Travel and Training Fund (Jason Pisano)

Mail Checks to:
Jerry McCole
National Disability Sports Alliance
25 West Independence Way
South Kingston, RI 02881

If you have questions about the fund please contact Jerry McCole 401 792-7130.

I hope to be present for his 41st marathon quest in Boston and maybe even jump in for a few miles to improve on my NYC marathon experience.

2007-11-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

Story from today's youth

So couldn't resist putting this up real quick. I found this paper on the street outside a public school in East Harlem.

It's a story written by a 4th grader entitled:

When I fell off the slied

"One day on a monday I did go to school becauses my sister alway wake me up when it time for school But she didn't this time. My Mom was mad at me becaues I didn't go to school and learn what we was learning today then I ask my mom can I go outside and she said we all going outside. Then when we got outside to the park aross the street when me and my mom when in the park then I saw my friends Then I started to play tag then I tryed to Jump over the slied then all I saw was my face on the floor then I went to my mom an ask her do I have stuff on my nose and she siad nothen my mom said be careful and I said ok then I finish playing. Then we went upstairs then I went to school on tuesday."

Congrats young student...you have broken the record for most uses of the word then in a story.

I can't believe how poorly this is written. Then again I guess it shouldn't surprise me. I mean that's the way their parents and family speak so it's not like their learning proper grammar in their households.

It's a shame really. Today's teachers have a tough job educating our youth...and I have nothing but respect for them. Cause if a student gave me this story, I'd be like Boo, you out yo goddamned mind ain't no one write a story about no fallin off no slide then tell everyone that their momma told her that their ain't nothin on her nose and shit, fool...

Anyway, on a more inspirational note, here's a short video of a remarkable young man who is trying to finish 50 marathons. Jay Pisano has cerebal palsy and races backwards in a wheelchair. Jay is running the NYC Marathon on Sunday and hopefully anyone in the city will get the chance to root this young man on.

2007-11-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

Gimme Gimme More...

I have to say...the song is growing on me. Big time. Actually I heard all of Britney's new album is the bomb.

Good for her. Glad she's back. Even if she was the worst singer out of the group of girls (xtina, jessica, etc) at least she's got the best dance jams.

May have to make a whole shower songs album with nothing but Britney songs.

No worries, I'll get working on that for you guys.

And I'll even drop the soap ;)

Speaking of "taking one for the team", how funny is it that A-rod was offered a contract by the Toledo Mud Hens?

That's fucking great...although apparently they have a MVP third baseman already...perhaps that guy can play for the Yanks! Joey G get on that buddy.

I'm ok with Girardi as manager and not Mattingly. Why? Well Girardi has already been on the front line as a manager and proved to be a hard noser manager much like he was a hard nosed player. Mattingly would have been a shill (or plant if you will) for the team. Meaning that he would have been the whipping boy for Steinbrenner when the team struggled and didn't win the WS again. And the fans would have eventually turned on Mattingly because he too couldn't "motivate" this team to get into shape. I think if the youth movement is truly on (and lord knows everyone who knows me knows I've been calling for that for a longggg time), Girardi is the kinda of guy who will whip players into shape. Just look what he did with that Marlins team with young guns like Dontrelle and Miguel Cabrera. It should be interesting times up in the BX...especially since the Sox are still the favorite to win again next year.

Anyway, I'm in a musical kinda mood tonight and came across some cool clips on YouTube of a young pianist named David Sides.

Apparently I must be the last person to have discovered him, as many of his clips have over 500,000 views on YouTube already. That and he just released a CD of his songs available on MySpace thanks to his popularity!

This guy is legit. I'm a big fan of the ivory keys and he plays it just as well as anyone. He doesn't even read the sheet music...he just plays. Melodies and backgrounds and all. You gotta love that.

His new CD includes the following tracks:
01. Ciara – Like A Boy : Piano Cover By David Sides
02. Chris Brown – Say Goodbye : Piano Cover By David Sides
03. Akon – Don’t Matter : Piano Cover By David Sides
04. T-Pain – Buy You A Drink : Piano Cover By David Sides
05. Ne-Yo – Because Of You : Piano Cover By David Sides
06. Rihanna – Umbrella : Piano Cover By David Sides
07. Bone Thug – I Try : Piano Cover By David Sides
08. Mario – How Do I Breathe : Piano Cover By David Sides
09. Omarion – Ice Box : Piano Cover By David Sides
10. Robin Thicke – Lost Without You : Piano Cover By David Sides
11. Sean Paul – We Be Burnin' : Piano Cover By David Sides
12. Marques Houston – Circle : Piano Cover By David Sides
13. Fat Joe – Make It Rain : Piano Cover By David Sides
14. Musiq Soulchild – Buddy : Piano Cover By David Sides
15. Coldplay – Clocks : Piano Cover By David Sides
16. Coldplay – The Scientist : Piano Cover By David Sides
17. Bonus Track - Nickelback - Far Away
18. Bonus Track - Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around

Now if you've been living under a rock like I apparently have and haven't seen his work, here are some of my favs:

What Goes Around by J.T.

Far Away by Nickleback

Umbrella by Rhianna (off the hook!)

The Scientist by Coldplay

We Be Burning by Sean Paul

Clocks by Coldplay

Good shit. I definitely would see him in concert. Awesome stuff Mr. Sides keep up the good work.

Anyway...I'm off to bed, got a big day of shooting clays tomorrow complete with a 5:30am wake up call. That and it's a busy weekend on tap in WPMB land, including yours truly attempting to run a small leg of the NYC marathon with Rich (let's see how long I can last!)

Until next time America.

2007-10-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Cult" of Personality

So I'm stealing a line from one of my most favorite songs of all time, Living Colour's Cult of Personality.

Although the cult I'm referring to are the fans that inhabit Darrel Royal Stadium at the University of Texas, Austin.

I was last at a Longhorns game about 5 years ago and was amazed by how every single fan knew every single chant and battle hymn. Coming from a I-AA football school, we were lucky if students remembered when the team was actually at home.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to another Longhorns game this past weekend, as we were down in Austin celebrating Rich's bachelor party. We saw UT take on perennial powerhouse Nebraska, who themselves have been struggling of late.

The hotel we stayed at (the Days Inn University) was packed full of Nebraska fans who made the trip down south. However, not wanting to be the enemies of 80,000 fans that pack into the stadium, we decide to don the home burnt orange and white.

The crew donning the burnt orange and white

We ended up tailgating at Sholz Garten before the game...which was this huge facility with a large backyard picnic type area with hundreds of peeps packed in. They had a large indoor hall with a big screen TV, where diehards were glued to one of the games. Outside they had a few bars with bbq grills. After waiting in line for 20 minutes for a pulled pork sandwich at one of the pits, I grabbed a seat and took a bite. However said pulled pork was kinda cold and very fatty. Definitely not an appetizing snack whatsoever, especially added to the fact I waited 20 minutes to get it.

The disappointing pulled pork at Sholz

Other than that the beer was great (kudos for having Spaten Oktoberfest on draft!) and the atmosphere was pretty kick ass!

(side rant coming: everything in Austin is made to order. Nothing is cooked ahead of time. While this is a nice touch, it adds completely unnecessary delays, especially at a tailgate or even at the game itself. The lines all day were ridiculous, because even soda from the fountain was made to order. They even ran out of hotdogs and pretzels before half time because they didn't keep filling the machines. At Sholz, they made the burgers to order. So they waited for someone to order before throwing it on the grill. Now, when you have a line, of lets say 50 people or so, good planning dictates more than half of them will be getting a burger when it's one of the 5 items you offer up. Dont'cha think you should have a bunch grilling and ready to rock, instead of having people stand there for 20 minutes? I mean I appreciate the "human touch", I really do. But let's talk about efficiencies here people. Think ahead. Prepare. Don't run out of fuckin hotdogs at a football game. Thanks).

Back to football. Even though the team is struggling a bit this season, the fans were rapid from the opening ceremonies. The old PeeWee favorite "The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...Deep in the Heart of Texas" gets the crowd singing along, young and old alike. Not even at a professional football game will you find the crowd as pumped up before the game even starts than you will at UT. Case in point, when the players emerge from the tunnel and head across the field for a pre-game prayer, the fans pray with them.

It's not all that surprising considering that in a state like Texas, football and god go hand-in-hand.

The Longhorns ended up winning the game 28-25. Nebraska actually had a lead in the second half with momentum, but couldn't capitalize on a Interception around midfield as their drive stalled and ultimately UT took advantage of their superior talent in the game.

There's some more stories to share, including how it took us over an hour to get food served to us at two different locations over the weekend...so stay tuned!

2007-10-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

Joey! Joey!

The "Tsunami" has done it again. After getting beaten around by Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti in recent competitions, my man Joey redeemed himself by eating an astonishing 103 Crystal burgers in 8 minutes to take the 2007 Crystal Eating championship!

You can check out the short Sportscenter vidoe recap here: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?&brand=null&videoId=3084545&n8pe6c=2

That my friends is un fucking real. The previous record was 97 by Kobayashi...so this was 6 better. How crazy is Joey's feat? Well how about devouring an average of nearly 13 burgers a minute! Now before you run off saying they're small, and that's not a "real burger"...you try eating 103 of anything in 8 minutes and see if you can do it! Even some of the best eaters in the world only hit in the 40-50 burger range in 8 minutes. Over 100 is just un thinkable.

Personally I'm more of a White Castle guy myself, but having never had a Krystal I won't knock it till I try it. Just word of advice, if you're searching for Krystal in Google's image search, let's just say you're gonna get a different set of "buns":

I mean not that there's anything wrong with those buns...but in case you happen to be in a public place, you may want to proceed with caution.

For those waiting for a story from this weekend's bachelor party in Austin, I'll have that and some pics for you shortly.

Thanks for your patience. :)

2007-10-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

WTF??? is right!!!

Umm...so...once again Ration Reality will be supplying the video fun for this Friday (mainly because I have to jet to the airport in an hour for a flight to Austin....Texas...not Massachussetts). That and I laughed pretty much an hour straight after watching them so it unfortunately sapped all of the humor from me. Thanks alot guys.

Today's video installment comes courtesy of our neighbors from the north, who apparently have raised the bar for commercials which blatently cross the line between...well let's just say these commercials would never fly in the good ole prudish U S of A.

The series of commercials are for convenience store beverages from a chain store called Mac's. They are branding this drink called WTF which is supposed to be short for What's the Flavour? But clearly the WTF is not purely coincidence, considering they also have a slogan that was OMFG which stands for Oh My Froster's Gone.

I must say nicely done by the Canadians. Way to take advantage of this acronym language society we've become over the years. Before I give away too much of the plot, here are some snapshots from the commercials:

Two girls getting a giant tree of liquid "off"

A girl licking a "berry flavored" zit

A man giving birth to an egg filled with juice

A bloody attack that rivals Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding

And finally my favorite...

A robot who fucks a pommelhorse to produce juice

You can go here to view these video clips in all their glory.

I mean...talk about some fucked up marketing approaches! Could you imagine 7-11 going this route for promoting their Slurpies? Or maybe the next reincarnation of Slush Puppies for 'adults' where a girl is 'redrocketing' a puppie to produce the flavors for the slush puppie?

Slush Puppies new marketing campaign could be entitled "LOL" - short for Lick our liquids.

I mean the possibilities are endless! Although I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere Sonic is producing a whole line of drinks labeled LMAO or some other acronym that is overly used this days.

Anyway, I'm off to Austin for faithful reader Rich's bachelor party. Assuming my liver doesn't explode I'll be back for more fun on Monday. Enjoy your weekend!

2007-10-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.

Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.

I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.

Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:

Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

2007-10-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

The Guacamole Story

So many of my friends have heard this story by now, so figured it was a good one to share on this rainy Wednesday. Plus after all these months I finally got the pictures of the ordeal so for the first time ever, there's some pictures to go along with the infamous story.

Back at our Holiday party last December in our office, we had a professional chef - John Reilly - come and cook up us a feast. Mr. Reilly is a renowned chef who has cooked for presidents in the White House and now has a catering company here in NYC. Mr. Reilly is also an avid hunter and wild game chef, and delighted us in the past with such delicacies as Black Bear empanadas, Braised Pheasant, Smoked Duck Lo Mein and Venison Burgers.

For our holiday party Mr. Reilly served up a smorgasboard of treats, including grilled shrimp, lamb chops, chicken and beef skewers and venison quesadillas with homemade quacamole.

It was heaven for a carnivore and I was up to the task, eating pretty much non-stop for 2 straight hours. Plus I helped myself to a bunch of beers and homemade margaritias.

At the end of the party, dessert came out in the form of homemade fudge brownie squares with vanilla ice cream. Of course there's always room for desert so I helped myself to a few squares and was ready to call it an evening.

A bunch of us were sitting around and the conversation turned to eating. One of my coworkers bragged about how many brownie squares he could shove in his mouth. This inevitably led to conversations about eating capacity, which somehow turned into a dare.

There was a full bowl of guacamole on the table. When I say full, I mean flowing and over the top. The guacamole was in one of those molcajetes - the stone bowls traditionally used at Mexican restaurants to serve guacamole. Somehow the bet turned to me and the challenge was to finish the entire bowl of guacamole in 5 minutes.

Initially I resisted since I had just eaten and drank for 2 straight hours and was way past capacity. Even though money started flowing on the table (got up to $100), it was ultimately my pride (and stupidity) that led me to accept the challenge.

At first the guacamole went down smoothly and I was plowing along. However no matter how fast I ate, when someone would scoop a fresh batch onto my plate it seemed like the bowl was still way past full. It didn't help matters that some in the room were trying to make me laugh, including putting one of those 100 gallon garbage bins next to me.

Co-workers making me laugh was costing me some valuable time

I was undeterred however and kept plowing along. However at the three minute mark things started to slow down tremendously. At this point our lovely PR director here decided to get her camera to start capturing the action (in case I started to puke everywhere - how kind of her :)

My hands literally started shaking after about 4 minutes. I was about halfway through the bowl and there was no way I was finishing it with a minute to go. I felt my color leaving my skin. It felt like I was 10 shades of pale. I was taking long bites and struggling to shallow even the smallest bite. So out of kindness they decided to bonus me two extra minutes.

Starting to struggle

Feeling completely pale

After sipping margaritas (probably not the best thing to drink while eating fast) I got past the wall that hits most competitive eaters and runners alike.

Getting to the bottom of the bowl

With renewed confidence, I started to plow through the rest of the guacamole. Shoveling it into my mouth as fast as I could, I finished the entire bowl at just under 7 minutes!

I couldn't believe I had actually done it. I was beyond full it was so disgusting. I was beyond a food coma. My eyes were completely gazed over and my whole system felt like it was in shock.

I heard hootin and hollering around me but I literally just sat there staring dead ahead in a complete daze. People were high fiving me and I'm not sure I could feel my hands. Now I know what Kobayashi, Chestnut, Thomas and Conti must feel like after a competition. You're beyond bloated and stuffed. You literally put on like 5 pounds just from the food alone.

Mr. Reilly unfortunately had left prior to the competition, but our boss called him up and told him what transpired. After some negotiation, the chef agreed to give me the guacamole bowl, which was hand made specifically for him down in Guatamala! I think that was a better prize than the cash!

The prized trophy

The best part was the wait staff that was working during our party had no idea what was going on. After I had finished the guacamole, one of the workers came back into the room and looked stunned at what had transpired. Our boss asked him if he's ever seen anyone eat that much guacamole at once and he shook his head no. He then proceed to exclaim in astonishment that I had ate 22 avocados! It was well over a quart of guacamole (can't remember the exact amount).

Trying to stop my hand from shakin afterwards

The worst part was we still were heading out to dinner afterwards. Sadly I just sat there at dinner staring at the food in front of me. Couldn't eat a thing.

I did manage to keep everything down surprisingly. I did feel pretty sluggish over the next few days but I wasn't too badly bothered by the ordeal. Actually we went out for mexican a few days later and I was able to eat guacamole pretty easily (at least I was eating it at my own pace!)

I am now the resident eating champ of my office and an official consultant on any eating competition from here on out. I'll have to prepare myself for a new challenge this holiday season. Hopefully it will involve some kind of protein, perhaps burgers, steak or maybe shrimp or oysters!

2007-10-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Big Pimpin

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Apparently our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.

Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: "If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?".

I love the quote from Lipton: "We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

What they didn't tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a "Well played Mr. Lipton".

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed.

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton takes a puff of a pipe as he admires said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: "If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be".

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: "I would be a beav-ah... Monsieur".

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) "Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played."

End scene.

Obviously if you've never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won't find any of this funny. If you haven't seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations ever:

Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.

Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!

2007-10-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

Friday video fun

Since I'm probably going to be absolutely buried in work today, won't have much to say.

But our friends at Ration Reality always have something to say! This time they've uncovered some really disturbing commercials courtesy of our friends oversees.

They've uncovered:

* An animated cleaning powder that snorts his white powder cleaning solution, gets high, and crashes to the floor

* A japanese "kiddie beer" commercial that shows families happily drinking this 'non alcoholic' beverage that is supposed to foster future beer drinking among youth

* A japanese milk commercial that looks like it's a play on our old drinking milk commercials where the person drinking milk grows before your eyes. You know the commercials, where the puny kid who drinks milk grows up to be bigger and stronger than the bully who was pushing them around. Well, instead of growing taller, in this commercial the girls boobs grow bigger with each passing sip!

* A Russian (actually Estonian) meat processing commercial that flashes back and forth between the chicken and his meat being ground up.

Fucked up and disturbing? Yes. Mildly amusing and borderline hysterical? You bet!

To view these commercials in all their glory go to:
http://rationreality.com/2007/10/17/foreigners-are-weird-bizarre-commercials-vol-1

Thanks again for uncovering those gang, made my day!

Also, one last thing to share. I'm sitting across from this guy on the subway last night who was slightly tripped out on something. He had a shiteating grin on his face and his eyes kept rolling into the back of his head.

I couldn't decide who he reminded me more of, David Koresh,

or Bruce Vilanch.

Tough call...opinions anyone?

2007-10-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

Friday Fashion Lesson

I reckon y'all need a fashion lesson this Friday courtesy of my friends down in Fort Worth.

First, start with your favorite pair of boots:

Then grab your favorite cowboy hat:

Don your preferred leather jacket:

And you're ready to hit the town running:

That's how we roll down at the Stockyards y'all.

2007-10-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

Move Bitch, Get out the way

Today's post is dedicated to all of those assholes who get in the way.

Like the guy who was arrested a few years back for blocking traffic on the sidewalk.

The pedestrian in question, Matthew Jones, "was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest -- by flailing his arms-- on June 12, 2004. Police said other people "had to walk around" him, and he wouldn't move when asked." He is currently appealing his arrest.

Well I'm glad he went to the slammer. Had he followed the proper rules of pedestrian engagement and wasn't a douchebag maybe he would have avoided getting a plunger stuck up his ass.

Next up is this fat ass who got in the way of a sixty-nine:

Good job 55. Fuckin fat ass. All I wanted was a picture of a 6-9 and you ruined it. Don't you know there's only two people in a sixty-nine...unless you're in a Utah porn or something (btw, someone got to my blog recently by searching for Utah porn. Not sure why Utah porn is so special. Maybe it's because of all the mormons. hmm...)

Another guy who needs to go the fuck home is this guy:

"The protest was not without its superfans. Joaquin Ferreira, 54, of Brooklyn, arrived decked out in a Yankees hat and jacket. A fan for 10 years, he said, “I’m here to support Joe Torre. If Joe leaves, the Yankees will go to hell.”

Wait a minute...Superfan? 10 years?? Are you fucking kidding me?!? So let's see...hmm...10 years ago was 1997. Oh WAIT, that was ONE year AFTER the Yankees won the World Series. OH so that qualifies him as a superfan??? That Bandwagon jumping muthafucka? Un real. So he's been a fan just as long as Joe Torre has been a manager with the team. Nice. Good intelligent writing AM New York. Oh and look, the person who wrote the article is a Newsday writer. The pinaccle of sports journalism. What a joke. Calling him a super fan is like calling boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ funny. (LK- there you go, I took a shot at her. Third in the voting for funniest blog my ass.)

Another person who needs to get out of the way is this asshole that had a sign that said "Cowboys Bound 4 Superbowl".

Good job genius. Hope some Patriot fans shoved that up your ass after the game. Moron. Why don't you wait until we've actually made the playoffs before declaring a trip to the Superbowl. Oh, wait...you must be a "superfan" too like the douche above. Let me guess, you started being a Cowboys fan in '93? And no true fan goes to the game with a sign that calls out the network that's calling the game. Fuck face.

Oh and btw...why that girl was announcing to the world that she's a Homo Sexual is beyond me. I mean she's cute and all and some chick would be lucky to have her as a partner. But seriously, honey, saying you're a homo sexual with a big sign is probably not the best way to get on TV.

2007-10-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

So you need to be naked to be famous these days

So I just heard about this (am I the fuckin last to know? Guess that's what I get for not reading the Post!).

Apparently last Friday some ad agency worker had a meltdown and walked around the streets of Manhattan naked:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/10132007/news/regionalnews/nude_nut_had_bad_bare_day.htm

According to the article, Josh Drimmer, 26, "temporarily lost his senses and that he was just having a really bad day...It was an extreme panic attack brought on by days of not sleeping. I had a bad day."

Now, I've worked my fair share of bad days in agency land but never took to the streets naked as a result. I may have done some swearing and maybe even broken a pencil or two (don't tell!) but that's gotta be some kinda meltdown to go to Times Square in the nude.

Unless he was just trying to show up the Naked Cowboy.

But apparently this may not have been Mr. Drimmer's first nude appearance in public. According to the article, Drimmer, a Yale graduate, was in a group called the "Pundits" where there were naked parties with party goers hanging out in the nude.

Mr. Drimmer is also a fellow blogger. He writes a blog, "Excellence Makes Wack Irrelevant" which he classifies as "some jottings, findings, and sharp darts thrown by Josh Drimmer, playwright, pontificator, patriot."

Although he hasn't updated his blog in quite some time so needless to say he's "petered out" on the whole blogging experience? Hey-oh! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here till Friday, try the veal.

Anyway, this guy is now a mega celebrity. He even caught the eye of this police officer who apparently thinks he's a "detective":

Notice the officer on the left "inspecting" the package

Easy there officer. If you stare at it too long it'll make you go blind. Or is that what they say about masterbating too much? Can't remember.

Anyway, am I jealous at his new found fame? Sure. But until I get into "nudity baring" shape I promise I'll spare my fellow New Yorkers of me running around in the buff. Unless I need the publicity of course. Cause then I can just chalk it up to a bad day.

I leave you, Mr. Drimmer, with some words to live by:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

2007-10-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

Texas: football, steer and testicles?

Oh well...the Cowboys tried. They really did. But the Patriots were too much. Too much offense. The Cowboys actually had a lead in the game in the 3rd Quarter.

The scoreboard clearly shows the Cowboys up big

But poor play calling and execution by the Cowboys in the 3rd/4th Quarters pretty much did them in. Including going for a FG on 4th and goal from the 5 when they were down 14. Smart move. But give the Pats credit. They're definitely talented and Brady is a stud. They very well could go 16-0. They have the talent too. We'll just see if they can stay focused for that long.

The Patriots pretty much took the air out of Cowboys fans after their victory

I'll follow up with pictures of the tailgate and other random player jerseys we came across during the game.

Other than that Dallas was fun filled and action packed. Ok not really action packed but definitely fun filled. Some highlights from the trip:

We started with a visit to the Grassy Knoll down by the Book Depository where that "man who was president" was shot.

If you didn't know it was the grassy knoll, well...this sign could have helped you.

I mean really...ridiculous. Thanks for pointing that out. There's even an X that marks the spot where Kennedy was shot. Completely over the top and distasteful as far as I'm concerned. Not that I didn't take pictures of the area myself, but that's for journalistic purposes of course!

Next up was a trip to the Whataburger. I had never frequented one before so I was up to the task. The burger was passable...nothing special. But special touch was getting it delivered to your table. The foam cup kept the soda nice and cold though. Foam is definitely a good alternative to the plastic cups most fast food places give customers.

After filling up on Whataburger we took a trip to the Ballpark at Arlington where we were treating to a behind the scenes tour at the stadium. It was only Tom, John and I so we were able to get a pretty intimate tour of the stadium, the press box and the team locker room. We also took a trip to the dugout. Unfortunately they were leveling the field so it was nothing but backhoes and dirt, but nonetheless it was pretty crazy being the only people in the stadium besides the few workers.

After our private tour we were craving some steak so we headed west to Fort Worth and down to the famous Stockyards. After knocking down a few Lonestars at a local watering hole we decide to fill out stomachs with good ole steer.

But first appetizers came calling. And the one appetizer that jumped out was the sampler platter, complete with ribs, mozzarella sticks, and calf fries.

Asking the waiter what calf fries were, he vaguely said something about the hanging sirloin of the bull (looking it up the definition of calf fries are buffalo, boar or bull testicles. They are usually peeled, coated in flour, pepper and salt, sometimes pounded flat, then deep-fried. Nice! High-five!).

I was undeterred however after getting said testicles I was the first to try.

I can cross testicles of my list of food to eat

They were quite tasty actually. Then again anything fried is bound to be tasty. But they seriously tasted like chicken tenders. Even the guys agreed.

After downing some apps and a salad it was on to the steer. 18 oz porterhouse with a nice baked potato and corn on the cob.

Of course being that I'm a glutton for ignoring my stomach when it says it's full, I threw down some pecan pie.

Unfortunately I didn't get any Paul Bunyon hats for me eating performance but I was completely stuffed afterwards. I was so stuffed actually that I wasn't able to get out of the car when Tom and John went to the supermarket. So I just sat there and slumped in my seat. At least it allowed me to snap a picture of this beauty. Nothing like putting megawheels on a 4x4.

Only in Texas my friends, only in Texas.

2007-10-12T14:21:00.001-07:00

GoogleZon

Sorry guys, been a crazy work day today. That and I'm off to Dallas for the weekend to watch my beloved Cowboys try to hang in there vs the Patriots.

But some "quickies" to share before I depart (and not of the sexual kind unfortunately).

First, on the train this morning I'm standing against the door. I'm wearing a green t-shirt and off-white cargo shorts (yes shorts...it's still in the 50s/60s which is still shorts weather in my book. Keep looking at me like I'm a freak there assholes). Anyway this blond chick gets on the subways wearing the same color combination as me! She's wearing a similarly colored green top and white pants! Not only that but the bitch has the audacity to stand right next to me! Unreal.

So now we're standing there like two dofusses dressed alike.

THANK GOD she got off in just two stops. I mean really...who the fuck wears white pants after labor day? Com'on now!

Speaking of unreal and outfits. This lady sitting across from me on the train the other night had on one of those straw hats.

Everytime she moved her head, she'd poke one of the straws into the guy or the lady sitting next to her. They were getting so pissed. Who the fuck wears a hat like that on the subway (well unless you want space of course). I was trying not to laugh so I just calmly whipped it out and took a picture.

If I were sitting next to her though I probably wouldn't have been laughing. Nothing like getting poked in the eye with some straw to start your evening commute home!

Anyway saw an article today that General Electric is looking to part ways with NBC. According to the article in MediaPost Publications by Wayne Friedman, "GE will consider an NBC sale after the network airs the Beijing Olympics next year...
Who would buy? Surely the usual suspects, like Time Warner, have been bandied about, since it's a large media company without a full-fledged broadcast network -- just one-half of one, the CW. Previously, Time Warner wholly owned the WB. But consider other bigger, perhaps more unusual players. There's Google, Microsoft, Facebook, or some other new contraption of a media company looking to put a new spin on an old -- but still promising -- entertainment platform. This would make sense. While those new Internet/tech companies always get the buzz, they really aren't ready to delve into the tricky world of TV program - or content -- development. Yahoo tried to go that route and didn't get very far. Even for a company like Google, which seems to grow larger and larger by promising advertising networks and marketing solutions to smaller and smaller companies, NBC - or for that matter any network -- is still an attractive option because those old entertainment companies can still get big mass audiences with one hit show."

Now this is exactly what I've been telling anyone who listens to the shit that pours out of my mouth. Google is looking to take over the world.

If you haven't seen this video piece from the Center of Media Research you should. It talks about Google merging with Amazon to create "GoogleZon" which would basically control all the custom content you read and receive. It also talks about the New York Times eventually trying to sue Google and losing, leaving Google as the only powerhouse left in the media world.

Click here to view the video.

It may not be all true...but definitely interesting, especially given Google's desire to snap up everything in it's power.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

GO COWBOYS! You can do it!

2007-10-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

Wear it loud...wear it proud!

There's a shirt I've been looking for recently after watching a documentary on the Brooklyn Dodgers. It's an old "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" shirt. It had the Dodgers logo and was given to fans back in the 50s as a rallying cry to keep the Dodgers from moving from Brooklyn to L.A.

John found a replica of the shirt from this company called No Mas.

While it wasn't the shirt I was looking for, it is based on an authentic shirt that fans used to wear back then:

The website had a ton of other really random, cool t-shirts.

Here's a few of them I personally love:

The Amazing Mess

Even though the shirt is referring to the 86 Mets, I think it's quite appropriate given this year's collapse!

Tecmo Bo

Who can forget Tecmo Bo and he unstoppable hijinks in Tecmo Bowl! If you need a reminder on how good Bo was in Tecmo Bowl, here's a reminder for you (click to play).

Rated Rookie

Donruss' Rated Rookie cards were a hot commodity back in the days. I know I jumped for joy when I found a McGwire rated rookie in a pack of Donruss.

For those who don't remember what the cards looked like, here's an example:

Btw, is it just me or does Greg Maddux look strikingly (get it - he's a pitcher - strikingly - I'm a fuckin genius!) like Pedro in that picture?

Strawberry

Love the sarcasm of the whole "say no to drugs" and Strawberry angle. If only the picture had him AND Doc Gooden leaning against a "Coke" vending machine. Now that would be classic!

Although I think this picture would more exemplify a "Say No to Drugs" campaign!

And to think all three of those guys were the biggest stars in the heydays. How the mighty fall sometimes:

2007-10-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

Food a-plenty

There's a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.

For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year's supply of syrup. (BTW...waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut - ha ha - I'm so witty) in a "Chicken Wing Chowdown" on Spike TV.

Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I'm soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal's to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi's 97 Krystal's in 8 minutes.

Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth's Cafe in Seattle.

The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I've made some doozy omelettes in my days but don't have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I'd like to tackle that one day.

I'm also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I'm gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there's a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I'm gonna have to bust out the "I Eat'M Raw" shirt for some extra inspiration.

Another challenge I'm up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle's Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese - a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that's nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.

It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I'd definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don't know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I'd like to embrace is the "World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner" at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I'm pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I'm not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don't make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)

(Btw...no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)

2007-10-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

No doubt about it...the Yankees Suck

I haven't busted out the shirt yet, but I'm very tempted to:

Good job coming through in the clutch yet again. Way to manufacture those runs guys. No need to attempt to steal a base or bunt someone other. Nah, just hit into double plays all night. That'll light up the scoreboard for sure.

Oh and to all the assholes who said to start Wang over Mussina even though Mussina is a grizzled veteran who is accustomed to playoff baseball - nicely done. Pricks. No one ever asks for my advice on the Yanks, but they should. I've been following the team for 25 years. Youth wins. Small ball wins. I'd rather try with the likes of young players like Andy Phillips and Bubba Crosby then lose with over the hill veterans like Gary Sheffield and Tony Clark. Lot of good those assholes did in 04.

It's time for change. Let the youth play. Even if you have to absorb a few losing seasons, i'd rather do that than watch "the highest paid team in baseball" fail to deliver time and time again.

BTW big props to the talented folks over at Boston Dirt Dogs (http://www.bostondirtdogs.com) for their humorous twist on the Yankees saga:

Good luck to the Sox dealing with the upstart Indians...hopefully they'll prove to be a better opponent than the 04 Cardinals. Maybe Borowski can channel some inner Ricky Vaughn and start blowing away the Sox.

2007-10-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

Farewell to a friend

Over the weekend we all lost a friend true and dear to our hearts: the Topps brand of hamburger meat.

Some felt the pain more than others, including the 87 or so personnel that were directly part of the Topps family.

Farewell my friend, you'll be sorely missed

The Topps brand was dear to me personally.

It was always there for me in a pinch and able to stand up through tons of pressure. It's amazing consistency came through time and time again. Whenever I needed to cook for 20 or 2,000, Topps was their to save the day. It's true, we fed the entire Marist campus for a Booster Club event by making over 2,000 Topps hamburgers of which I personally cooked up 1,000 or so.

Each burger charred nicely, stayed succulent and meaty. Even though my eyes were singed with smoke and I could barely see, I could trust my friend to produce fantastic results time and time again.

To many, this meaty morsel of goodness was the "Tops"

And while it would never be mistaken for an upscale burger or one of those artisan burgers you can buy at the Ruby Tuesday's and other chains of the world, Topps was a burger for the everyman. The one who could feed their family quickly. The one who relied on it's prepackaged burgers to cook up a quick feast for company both large and small.

What you saw with Topps is what you got. Meat shaped into patty form. Simple. Bun sized. Tasty. Compatable with lots of ketchup, lettuce, tomato, onions and all the fixins. Who else could give you consistency, burger after burger, even in boxes of 30 or 100?

For those naysayers or non fans you can feel free to hate. But just admire it's legacy: decades of producing quality burgers for barbeque lovers around the nation. Nothing fancy. Not expensive. Just good ole USA beef at it's finest.

So goodbye my friend. You'll be truly missed.

2007-10-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

This just in...

Breaking news out of Live Science. Apparently "Eyes Can't Resist Beautiful People".

According to the article:

Whether we're looking for someone to date or sizing up a potential rival, our eyes irresistibly lock on to good-looking people, a new study finds.

Participants, all heterosexual men and women, fixated on highly attractive people within the first half-second of seeing them. Single folks ogled the opposite sex, of course. But those in committed relationships more often eyed beautiful people of the same sex.

"If we're interested in finding a mate, our attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive members of the opposite sex," explained study leader Jon Maner of Florida State University. "If we're jealous and worried about our partner cheating on us, attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive people of our own sex because they are our competitors."

Maner's research is based on the idea that evolution has primed our brains to subconsciously latch on to signs of physical attractiveness in others, both to find a mate and to guard him or her from potential competitors.

But this evolutionary trick is not without potential romantic peril. Even some people in committed relationships had trouble tearing their eyes away from attractive members of the opposite sex. On the other hand, fixating on attractive people of the same sex as rivals could contribute to feelings of insecurity.

Maner found that men prone to jealousy kept a close eye on attractive potential rivals.

"When it comes to concerns about infidelity, men are very attentive to highly attractive guys because presumably their wives or girlfriends may be too," he said.

Maner's experiments, which flashed pictures of attractive men and women and average-looking men and women in front of participants and measured the time it took to shift their attention away from the image, surprisingly showed little difference between the sexes.

"Women paid just as much attention to men as men did to women," Maner said.

The study is detailed in the September issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

---

Thanks for that ground breaking story Ms. Andrea Thompson. No seriously. I'm glad Live Science is devoting time and resources to letting the public know that we like to ogle hot people. I mean I can't imagine that's why there's oh, 100 different celebrity and beauty magazines. Retards. Actually lemme dig up one of my newly found insults. Ah, got one. You bloody herring choker! There...now I really dug one into you.

Anyway, I was recently tagged by Tortious for The Face Behind the Blog tag. Since CDP was brave enough to show her face on her blog, and since I can't avoid a game of tag to save my life I'll take her up on the tag. Although most of you already know what I look like...but for those that don't, I present to you the face behind WhatPushesMyButtons:

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That's right...I'm none other than Nahoud, the Jihad Bee. I teach children about the joys of Jihad.

I mean my commute back and forth between NYC and the Middle East is pretty tough these days, but those guys at Al Jeezera really know how to let you fly in comfort. I mean, first class all the way. Unlimited honey to snack on. My favorite bollywood porn movies.

What else could a Jihad bee ask for?

(BTW CDP: I've secretly hidden a photo of myself on this blog post...betcha' can't guess which one is me!)

2007-10-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

Chokesada at it again

Good job Posada way to strike out after being up 3-0 with the bases loaded and 1 out. Way to put the ball in play. Good work.

Keep hitting .400 during the regular season, you'll always be Chokesada in the postseason to me!

As usual, Posada looks lost during the playoffs

2007-10-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Who you calling Cracker, Jack?

In this midst of the furious Key Coon campaign for president that's going on right now (make sure you go to: Raccoons are Great, Vote KW in '08 to voice your support for Key Coon's run to the Oval Office.

Some of you have been throwing the word 'Coon' around on this and other blogs recently. And while coon is the general nickname for our raccoon friends, coon is also an old derogatory term for those who are sneaky and steal, or as Wikipedia says: an ethnic slur used in American, British and Australian English for people of African or aboriginal Australian descent.

Here at WhatPushesMyButtons you all are welcome to voice your own opinions, whether biased or not. And some have been using the word as a double entendre. And while I'll never use censorship on this blog, I'll just say to use caution when throwing such names around.

Actually, for all I care you can be as offensive as you'd like. I just don't want the Federal Cocksucking Commission to come and shut me down for offensive language.

Speaking of which, did anyone catch South Park last night? I happened to catch an old episode before the season premiere and they were making fun of Michael Richards and the whole "nigger" comment he made. It was pretty funny and crossed the line as usual. They had voted to ban the word "nigger man" in congress.

It got me thinking of other bad words out there that are used to racially stereotype people. We all know some of the common ones, like Cracker, Heeb, Gook, Jew, Dot Head, Spic, etc. However there's a whole shitload of such words out there. I recently came across a whole listing of such words and their meanings recently (thanks to Whore Church for providing the link below)

Some the ones that jumped out at me as being particularly amusing and ones that I'll have to immediately add to my repertoire include:

Arf. Short for African Rock Fish. Jones Beach (NYC) term for Blacks due to their poor swimming abilities.

Bandwidth Nigger/Whore. Represents Asians who, instead of using the Asian video game servers they are assigned, jump to a US server and hog the bandwidth of US users.

Bruised Banana. Used to make fun of Asians who act black.

Bruised bananas have a whole new meaning!

Cashews. Used to insult Catholic Jews. Mainly, the children of a Jew and a Catholic. (ha, guess that makes me a Cashew then! Sweet...I guess it's better than being called a cracker!)

Cheese Eater. Used by the German to make fun of the Dutch's fondness of eating cheese.

Chink-a-billy. Half Chinese, half hillbilly.

Cowfuck. White Farmers in the fields getting intimate with their animals

Dicksuckinflog. 16th Century term for Dutch prostitutes accused of witchcraft.

Dusty Nuts. Insult to Arabs living in the desert.

Hey Dusty Nuts...yeah, I'm talking to youz

Fog Nigger. British Blacks. The weather is usually foggy in Britain.

Fruit-Picker The Mexicans who cross the border often pick fruit, usually for pennies an hour. Often, when it is time to give the illegal aliens their meager wages, the plantation owner calls the border patrol to send them back.

Goldberg. Common Jewish name. Also has slight money-related reference.

Half-Dick. Jewish circumcision reference.

Heinz. Any mix of races. From the label on the ketchup bottle reading "57 Varieties."

Herring Choker. Scandinavians are known for eating lots of fish.

Jackamammy. Combination of 'jack rabbit' and 'Aunt Jamima.' People have said that jack rabbits looked like 'lynched' black people.

Jewgaboo. A Jewish person that acts or tries to act like a black person or is half black.

Would you call Matisyahu, the Jewish Rapper a Jewgaboo? Perhaps Destiny's Child can rename their song to Jewgaboo instead of Bugaboo? Get on that Beyonce

Katzenfresser. German slur towards Italians meaning "cat eater".

Knuckle-Dragger. Often believed that black people have longer arms than other races and therefore their knuckles would drag.

Melon Johnny. Italian slang for Blacks.

Moss Eater. White trash in the Pacific Northwest.

Muppetfucker. Backwoods inbred rednecks of the U.S. south are called muppetfuckers because they look like Muppets. (one of my personal new favorites btw).

Were the muppets just in-bred birthing defects from the South?

Pickaninny. From the days of slavery. Three possible origins: The slave owners would "pick a nincompoop" from the lineup of slaves; or the slave children who couldn't pick cotton "ain't pickaninny"; in some parts of the south, breasts are referred to as ninnys, so pickaninny was a reference to blacks being used as wetnurses.

Pretendian. Native Americans who claim to be pure, but are just mixed-breeds. I suppose this could refer to any mixed -ian race.

Roofucker. Kangaroo-fucker. Australian version of Sheepfucker. Used often on USENET and other internet forums.

This child is a no good Roofucker

Swamp Kike. It has been said that Cajuns are the Jews of Louisiana because of their propensity for commerce and finance. The slur is used by any non-Cajun, Black and White alike.

Three-Fifth. In reference to the 3/5ths Compromise, where the US Gov't decided that slaves (Blacks) only counted as 3/5ths of a person for population reasons.

Umlungu. Zulus called whites this, meaning the white scum that forms in the surf.

Yelvis. Yellow Elvis. Asians with pompadours. Plural: Yelvi.

Needless to say this guy is a Yelvis?

Those are just some of the fun ones I came across. For the complete list please go to: Racial Terms & Origins

Let the name calling begin!

2007-10-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Wacky Wednesday

So on the subway this morning this guy sits next to me and starts reading the Post. He pulls out a carrot and starts chomping on it. Like, a full grown carrot, complete with brown spots and everything. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and it took him like 30 seconds just to chew and digest each bite before he'd chomp into the next bite.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone just start chewing on a carrot like that in the city...let alone on the subway. Most citiers get those presliced carrots...or they wash the carrots they buy and maybe peel off the outer layer. But this guy was chomping through, dirt and all.

Then on my way into my building I'm walking behind this woman who is obviously having a tough morning. She's juggling her two bags, laptop and cup of starbucks and pretty much holding up pedestrian traffic. Oh and she's also on the phone, one of those ear piece thingys. Anyway I overhear her say "yeah, it sucks, my space bar isn't working...i mean how can you not have spaces. It's like an important key. It's not like an A or something".

Iknowthespacebarisaveryimportantkeyandallbutseriously,isitmoreimportanttobemissingspacesorisitmoreimportanttobemissingthelettera?

But of all letters she chose to call out, why the letter A? Don't vast mjority of the words we use contin the letter A? (4 A's would have been used in that sentence alone!) Why didn't she just say it's not an important key, like the F11 button. Or the letter Z. Or any of those useless keyboard keys, like Pause/Break or Windows Start?

So I'm dedicating today's blog post to the letter A.

A is in, asshole why don't you think before you speak next time.

In other breaking news, a "coon" is running for president.

Now WAIT...before you go running off calling me racist and think I'm talking shit about Obama...I'm talking about a raccoon. As in the animal.

Can a raccoon be our next president?

It's true. A raccoon by the name of "Key Coon" has already been endorsed by several influential bloggers, including one of our favorites, Laurie Kendrick.

In fact, early polls out of "Coonecticut" indicate that Key Coon has 68% of the popular vote, due to the fact that he has campaigned hard through the "Coonstitution State".

Here at WhatPushesMyButtons, we have held back from declaring our support to any of the candidates for the '08 election. But hopefully KeyCoon will be here to answer some very important questions our readers have in mind, like:

Would KeyCoon promote the growth of coontinuing education among today’s workers?

Could KeyCoon gain coontrol of the senate and the house?

What are KeyCoon's plans to ease urban coongestion?

If he can answer those questions in a positive light, we may have no choice but to throw our support behind KeyCoon, who has unofficially been labeled, "The People's Coon".

And for those who have questions about the KeyCoon sex scandal, hopefully KeyCoon can address the issues upfront and honestly. Last thing we need is another president with a love of cigars and interns.

Can Keycoon overcome the sex scandals and make a run for presidency?

So go over to KeyCoon headquarters and let him know what your thoughts are about his run for presidency and stay tuned for more answers for your questions on his coongenda.

2007-10-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

No hugging zone

So another zone has adopted a hugging ban. This time the principal of a Oak Hill, IL middle school has placed a ban on hugging in the hallways.

Principal Victoria Sharts of Oak Park's Percy Julian Middle School is quoted saying, "Hugging is really more appropriate for airports or for family reunions than passing and seeing each other every few minutes in the halls."

Sharts is further quoted saying: "Last year we would see maybe as many as 10 students on one side (of the hallway), 10 on the other and then, going in opposite directions, would sort of have a hug line going on and you could see where that would be a problem,"

Sharts also says that "rampant hugging is creating bottle necks in the hallway and making kids late for class...although hugs are supposed to be handshakes from the heart some times they don't seem so innocent. Too long, too close, and usually between boys and girls."

Before I rip into how assassine this principal's comments are, can we just focus on something for a quick second. Is her last name Sharts? As in I just Sharted myself?

Principal Sharts, the anti-hugger

I mean I'm sure she must get bullied non-stop from the children. I'm sure they be like, hey principal, here's some Febreze for your ass. Or how's the skidmarks treating you these days.

No wonder why she's anti-hugging. Poor thing. But just because your name implies that you sharted yourself doesn't mean you have to take it out on other children.

Furthermore since when are hugs "handshakes from the heart"? A hug, by and large, is supposed to be an intimate thing. A handshake by nature is quick and formal. I mean I'm not sure what types of hugs she's gotten but obviously she wasn't one of the more popular kids growing up. Nor was she shown much love from friends and family. Hugging is a sign of flirting and friendship, at least among students. Normally girls hug each other as a sign of friendship like guys slap five. But something girls and guys hug too. I mean you gotta assume some of these kids are already having sex. Isn't that just like one giant hug between body parts?

Needless to say "Ms. Shit for Brains" is none too popular in her school these days. Now that the story is out the shit has really hit the fan for her. With all of the negative attention, I'd hope she gets canned soon. Maybe she'll get the shit end of the stick in this deal. (ok that's enough).

Before I go I need to gripe about something. Why the fuck did Poland Spring make their new bottle caps so hard to open. Seriously. You need a fuckin pair of pliers just to open the top.

I nearly sliced my fingers open and lost two teeth trying to pry the cap off.

The ingenious design of the new Poland Spring bottles

Maybe it's just me, but I've had major problems with them. Then again we all know Poland Spring is made from springs of natural concrete so not sure why I'm drinking that shit anyway.

2007-09-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Some Friday Fun for y'all

It's Friday. You ain't got no job. And you ain't got shit to do!

Ok maybe you do have shit to do...but in any case wanted to end the week on a fun note.

First up is a shoplifting seagull.

"It seems this seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.

Since then, he's become a 'regular.' He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips, because they think it's so funny."

Nicely done Mr. Seagull. Reminds me of the time I used to steal those little half pint colored sugar drinks that were 25 cents from the Chinese grocery store. Although I was a little more discreet about it. That and they weren't as generous to let me run away when they caught me. Damn, if only I had been a seagull i would have gotten away with it.

Next up is a presidential quiz for you to take entitled "Should You Be President".

The quiz tests your stand on hot button election issues and how you rank them. It then tells you based on your responses which candidate you should support based on those responses. It also tells you how popular you would be based on your answers if you would run for president.

Pretty cool...it turns out according to my answers I would support Barack Obama as president. Although it turns out if I were to run for president, I would only receive 1.2% of the vote based on others who have taken the poll! Although that was higher than Giuliani, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul. So at least I wasn't dead last! :)

According to the poll my views would lead me to vote for Obama

(Thanks to faithful reader Alexis for sharing both the seagull shoplifter and the presidential poll. Nicely done.)

In other news, popular NYC entertainment/gossip site Metadish is up for sale.

The owner of the site, James Poling, is a very talented writer. Unfortunately it looks like another job will prevent him from updating the site on a regular basis.

The current bid for the site is $6,000 although you can buy the site now for $42,000. The site is up for auction and here's one of the selling points:

"Metadish also has its very own ad sales department that brings with it your own individual account rep that focuses on pitching Metadish to large clients to sell advertising space. The contract also GUARANTEES that the site will make a minimum net of $500/mo. You can keep this contract or discontinue it and go with something on your own."

I guess that's fairly impressive, considering the site does pull in over 500,000 page views per month. Although paying for an ad sales staff probably doesn't help the financials on the bottom line. So I couldn't imagine someone retaining the services of the account manager.

Had I had the time and the resources it wouldn't be a bad site to invest in. Plus I don't have that kind of capital laying around these days. Although I'm sure one of those gossipy type sites like Perez Hilton, the Gothamist or the Onion will just snatch it up.

But I wish both James and whoever purchases the site well.

Finally, special shout out of the week goes to a fellow by the name of Murphy, who in his comment on my "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" post coined the term "Utah Flapjacks". Well done my friend.

Murphy's comment was: "...No offense to any Oklahomians out there but seriously–Kansas is so bad it has to have restaurants named after Oklahoma? The whole world has gone mad. Next thing you know I’ll be in Montana eating at a Utah Flapjacks."

Of course I couldn't help but take that out of context. I instantly thought that Utah Flapjacks would be an awesome porn star name. Just think it could be a converted Mormon turned porn star. Perhaps she would look something like this:

You're onto something big Murphy!

2007-09-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Gimme More Collard Greens Mutha Fucka

So y'all heard by now Bill O'Reilly done said some racist things in the past few days.

If you haven't heard, O'Reilly was having dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton up at Sylvia's, which is a soul food restaurant in Harlem (one of the best soul food restaurants around).

O'Reilly was quoted saying "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship."

O'Reilly continued "You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all,"

O'Reilly even added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea."

Now I don't know what types of restaurants O'Reilly has been in before with black folk, but its plainly clear he was out of touch. What did he expect, people to be climbing all over the seats, swinging from the chandeliers, stealing food off each other's plates? I mean bitch, this ain't no Chuck-E-Cheese or IHOP, this is Sylvia's. Soul Food at it's finest. If you wanted chaos and people cursing at each other then you need to go to Popeye's or the B-K up in Harlem. Then people be all up in ya grillz asking for change and throwing chicken bones around.

I mean I mostly joking of course but you get my point. It's crazy that someone in this day and age thinks it's an "amazing thing" that a restaurant run by "blacks" and frequented by "blacks" can be just as "civilized" as a "white run restaurant".

I mean, Bill...last time I checked you were a business guy and you surely know that "blacks" hold CFO, President, CEO, and other highly influential positions in business. Hell aren't there special publishing features and media reports devoted to the top companies run by minorities? I can't believe you'd be that out of touch with civilization that you think every establishment run by a "minority" is run like a zoo. Now granted there is your occassional exception or two but seriously man...I'm disappointed.

Yo bitch, where my collard greens at!

All I know is that I'm thinking about wearing a Bill O'Reilly costume for this Halloween. I'll show up to Sylvia's or some other "black run restaurant". I'll scream at the workers "yo, motha fucka, where the fuck my chitlins and collard greens at". Everyone will have a good time and laugh. And then I'll take off my costume and sit and enjoy my meal like a civilized human being.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to seek out some fried chicken for lunch. All this talk about it has put me in the mood for some finger lickin goodness!

2007-09-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

Madeleine Found!!!...with Jesus no less?!

Cue Tom Brokaw and the Tom Brokaw voice.

Breaking news out of Morocco today...A photo taken by a tourist last month shows a girl with similar attributes to the missing Madeleine in Morocco. Miraculously within that same photo, an image of Jesus Christ is also apparent in the background.

Does this picture show both Madeleine and Jesus Christ in Morocco?

"It's quite a revelation, actually" said a spokesperson for the family in England. "It's quite a miracle that she was spotted. It was an act of God".

Critics have their doubts about the photo of Madeleine. But clearly there's no doubt that Jesus in the flesh was alive in well as seen in the photograph.

"Christ and the resurrection has begun!" said one faithful Catholic, who passed out after witnessing Jesus in the photo.

"Morocco has always been a great country for celebrities and the uber-wealthy to escape too" said a spokeswoman for the Moroccan Board of Travel. "I'm glad even Jesus Christ himself agrees that Morocco is a great place to hide!".

Spanish and British authorities meanwhile will continue to monitor the search for Madeleine and also keep an eye out for Jesus as well.

"We thought we had him when his likeness appeared in the clouds above the White House in 1976 and again on that piece of french toast a few years back. But we're gonna get that son of a bitch...that I promise you!" said Sgt. Abdul Al-Sahr Jihad of the British Royal police.

BREAKING NEWS
Picture NOT of Madeleine, Jesus still on the loose...

Breaking news out of Morocco...the picture originally thought to be Madeleine McCann was actually of a Moroccan girl named Bouchra Akchar (bless you...thank you).

"While this is an unfortunate development in the search for young Madeleine, we're still after that bastard Jesus Christ" said Sgt. Abdul Al-Sahr Jihad.

2007-09-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

We're not in Kansas anymore

Never thought I'd actually be able to say that in my lifetime. But I'm back from Kansas City and actually had a great time. My event went well this weekend and I made some new friends, including Steve Hickoff, Turkey Hunting Expert and Stuart Littlefield, who won our Outdoor Life Grand Slam Adventure contest. Steve is a fellow blogger himself and wrote a little of our experience this weekend (I impressed Steve with my knowledge and insight on competitive eating!) Stuart is a native Kansas City-ian and took us for some good ole homestyle BBQ on Saturday night. Joining us for a culinary adventure was Peter Mathiesen, Field & Stream's Gear Guru.

Stuart took us to a place called Oklahoma Joe's. Oklahoma Joe's is situated in Kansas City, KS and is located in a gas station. Yep, half of the "convenience" area of the gas station was torn out to put seating and an order station. Since this was as authentic as BBQ gets I didn't mind the long wait which stretched outside the doors.

Once we ordered the food was ready lightning fast. The place is market style, meaning you place your order, get yur order and find a seat. I decided on a pulled pork sandwich at Stuart's suggestion and we all split a slab of ribs (I was corrected after requesting we split a rack of ribs. Apparently there's no room for saying rack of ribs in Kansas...only thing racks refer to are deers and well you know...).

Anyway lemme tell you that the BBQ was lip smacking good! Unreal. Some of the tastiest, tender pulled pork I'd ever laid my fingers on. Same with the ribs. Juicy. Tender. Fell right off the bone.

The Oklahoma Joe's slab of ribs

The pulled pork sandwich

The side of baked beans was merely an afterthought and the fries were just there to help soak up some of the tasty sauce. The pickles were a nice sweetener to compliment the beef. But honestly who cares about sides when you have some of the best meat around. Just look at how perfectly cooked the meat was. (Sorry LK- but you're gonna have to get some my BBQ after that pic my friend). So needless to say I'm definitely a fan of the Oklahoma Joe's.

It's been tough coming back and getting into the work mode again. Although the day went by so fast on Monday that I didn't even have a chance to give you your Monday morning fix, so for that I apologize!

Although I think this is one of the few times I've actually blogged at night! Much different vibe than blogging in the morning or during the day. I feel hipper. Fresher. More twisted in my thoughts. Almost as twisted as this young contortionist:

My favorite is when she busts into the worm. Unfucking believable. Talk about flexibility. I'm lucky I can touch the ground on my stretches (and that's after spreading my legs a few extra inches). This girl can wrap her leg around her head like it's a bandana. Crazy.

Anyway I'm sitting here watching Drew Brees continue to suck ass. He's really killing me in fantasy football this year. My team is off to it's worse start in my 10 year fantasy career and I really have him to blame. Good job Drew. Way to follow up on that dream season of yours.

I'm so depressed I went out and bought myself a cherry pie to make myself feel better. After devouring it in about 4 seconds along with a glass of Chocolate Soy milk I feel a little better about life. Although can't say the same for my stomach.

Actually watching Brees stink up the joint my stomach is starting to turn a bit. Kinda sounds like it's trying to sing Warrant's Cherry Pie song. You know the words:

She's my

Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good make a grown man cry
Sweet

Oh yeah

She's my

Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
Sweet

Yeah sweet

Yeah

2007-09-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

Kansas City...Kansas City Here I Come

Off to Kansas City this weekend. Actually looking forward to sinking my teeth into some BBQ goodness.

I've had that old Kansas City song stuck in my head all day...you know the one by Wilbert Harrison:

I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

I'll be standing on the corner
On the corner of Twelfth Street and Vine
I'm gonna be standing on the corner
On the corner of Twelfth Street and Vine
With my Kansas City baby
And a bottle of Kansas City wine.

Well I might take a train
I might take a plane, but if I have to walk
I'm gonna get there just the same
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

I'm gonna pack my clothes
Leave at the break of dawn
I'm gonna pack my clothes
Everybody will be sleeping
Nobody will know where I've gone
Cause if I stay in town
I know I'm gonna die.
Gotta find a friendly city
And that's the reason why,
I'm going to Kansas City
Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

Although in my case the "loving" I'm gonna get there is coming courtesy of a huge meaty tender rack...

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You didn't think I was gonna show you a woman's rack did you? Please...this is a family friendly blog! I would NEVER show gratitious pictures of a female's rack...

unless she was holding a rack of her own of course!

Now THAT's a nice rack...(obviously I'm not refering to the girl)

Regardless...for those not fasting this weekend (I'm definitely playing my Catholic Card this weekend)...enjoy your weekend. I know I definitely will!

Soooooeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy!

2007-09-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Told you so!

See...I told you I doubted people got sick off the supposed meteor crash in Peru.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20070919/sc_space/scientistsdoubtmeteoritesickenedperuvians

Why won't people believe me that the stench was caused by bad ceviche??? :)

2007-09-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

What if God was one of us?

Y'all know that Joan Osborne song...

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

Well if God was indeed one of us he'd be a broke son-na-bitch, especially after getting hit with this lawsuit from a state senator in Nebraska.

The lawsuit, which is meant to show how frivolous and pointless lawsuits has become, blames God for: "making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."

Pretty hefty accusations to place on one person if you ask me. I mean the damage caused by a major hurricane is in the billions...so it's doubtful God has enough bankroll to pay for the damage he's wrought with events throughout history. I mean you're not talking in the billions or trillions...you're talking in the nonameforitillions.

Fortunately for us (but unfortunate for him) God is indeed one of us. Actually he plays professional basketball in Portland, OR (leave it to God to live in an environmentally conscious area). I placed several calls into God about the lawsuit and he had no comment.

God had no comment regarding the kazillions worth of damage he's wrought

Hopefully for his sake he can lay low for a bit while the lawsuit settles. Although I guess when you play in the International Basketball League that's pretty much as out of the spotlight as you can get!

2007-09-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

Mystery Illness Solved

So as some of you have heard by now, a meteor crash in Peru has apparently made some Peruvian residents ill.

http://news.yaho
o.com/s/afp/20070918/sc_afp/peruhealthoffbeat

Residents were complaining of headaches and vomiting as a result of "foul odor" caused by the meteor crash.

However I'm a little skeptical of that. Meteors are friendly glowing objects that just happen to put holes in our surface. There's nothing wrong with a little crater here and there along the surface of the earth. Plus isn't the point of skin care products to make our skin glow every now and again. No one ever said what color it had to glow.

Crater Chris proves that craters are a good thing for your skin

I personally think Peruvian residents could have had it a lot worse. They could have been exposed to a bad batch of ceviche. That would have given them a bad odor to complain about!

How can one person be this knowledgable about odors, caused by not only food but by meteors as well you ask? Well, that's simple my friends, especially when you're a certified Tetris master!

Eat your heart out Ken Jennings, I'm a certified Tetris Master!

2007-09-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

I hate Jewish holidays

Seriously...all you do is eat. And eat. And eat.

I mean I was doing well on my quasi, not really a diet but trying to watch what I eat type of deal. I even felt like I may have dropped a pound or two in the past few days. But kiss that goodbye. That kugel, brisket and turkey I devoured last week? Still trying to work that off. Ribs, bbq chicken, burgers and hot dogs? I'll be feeling that for a while too. Of course the numerous beers I consumed over the weekend didn't help matters much either.

In fact on Sunday I was so bloated I was mistaken for this blimp that was hovering above my neighborhood.

I mean if people thought Britney was fat at the VMA's last week they obviously haven't seen me in a half shirt recently. Nor would you probably want to for that matter. But regardless the sight isn't pretty.

Anyway I know people on occassion visit my blog to get some good food ideas so I guess I should stop bitching about the negative aspects of food (the weight gain) and start talking about the glorious fried goodness I tend to devour on a daily basis (or as Laurie Kendrick so eloquently called me: a Carbohydrate Munching Bastard!).

So I've decided that every Monday I'll have a new feature entitled: "What I ate Last Week". I won't recap every item in its painstakingly caloric detail, but I'll just offer some highlights of things I enjoyed and stuff you shouldn't probably eat yourself...lest you want to look more like Rosie O'Donnell than Kate Moss. But if you are the dieting type, then maybe you can "eat vicariously" through me. Which doesn't sound all that appealing when you think about it...but you get the point.

Anyway, without further adieu...

Item #1: Chicken Parm Hero - Bella Napoli

As I've mentioned countless times before, Chicken Parm is my all time favorite. And very few make it as good as Bella Napoli. The seeded roll gave this week's version a nice added crunch! And to those who complain about the "service" it's a fuckin pizzeria for christ's sake...you're not supposed to have friendly service. (Btw LK - let's make sure we hit 'em up when you finally make your long awaited visit to the NYC)

Item #2: Grilled cheese (gruyere) with carmelized onions on toasted rye.

A co-worker got me hooked on 'wichcraft which is an artisan type sandwich shop at the Equinox gym on Park & 33rd (they also have free standing "stands" in Bryant Park). The sandwiches are very tasty and the smoothies are top-notch. Only problem is it's a little pricey so make sure it's not an everyday indulgence. But you do get good bang for your buck...and the sandwich combinations are quite palette pleasing.

So those are the two "highlights" for now. Hopefully this week will be a very "low carb" week for me so I can decompress from the carb fest that was this past weekend. But I'll try to eat one or two tasty morsels for y'all that'll leave you drooling on your keyboard.

Oh and good job by the Yanks last night...as I've said countless times, there's no shock factor for the Red Sox when it comes to Rivera anymore. I'm shocked he didn't blow the save. Seriously. I know he's one of the best closers of all time but when you're facing a team for the 100th time there's no secret. No surprises. I just hope that situation doesn't arise again in the postseason (like it did in 05)...because Ortiz isn't popping out to Jeter in October.

2007-09-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

Let the "War" Begin

So this weekend is Yankees vs Red Sox. While I'm trying to not play too much into the importance of the series for the Yanks playoff hopes, my Boston friends have fired the first shot in the war.

Good ole 'Thos' knows for years how I was complaining Posada never came through in the clutch. Things seem to turn around last May when he got his bell rung by Mark Texeira on a collision at home plate...but postseason wise he hasn't been the most clutch of players.

Realizing this and seeing how popular he is as a player, Boston fans have taken the insult to a higher level (as usual) with their latest t-shirt:

This of course isn't the only disparaging shirt Sawx fans have resorted to recently.

Yankees fans, even for all their crassness at times haven't been able to respond with crude shirts of their own. Why? Well those types of shirts are banned at Yankee Stadium. Yep, for those who forgot they passed that "decency act" at baseball games, so no more insulting tshirts or signs could be brought into the stadium. Nothing like stripping the one thing born and bred new yorkers have ingrained in them from childbirth - the insult.

Shirts like these are now banned in Yankee Stadium

So Yankees have mostly answered with their "Got Rings?" line of shirts touting the overwhelming number of championships the Yankees have won compared to their Boston foes.

Regardless, the series this weekend will be a war. A bloodbath. The Sox haven't won the AL East since 1995, with the Yankees finishing in first every single year since then. While the Sox have a nice 5 game lead over the Yanks, Sox fans won't rest assured until they win a few more from the Yankees. A Yankees sweep would be a heartbreaking ordeal for Sox fans this weekend, even though they still would be a few games above the Yanks in first.

Anyway, more importantly today is the big Cannoli eating competition down in Little Italy.

Those who know me know I'm a cannoli addict. It's my single most favorite dessert of all time. I could eat them by the dozens. While I'm far off from competing at the lighting speed as the IFOCE eaters do...I'll be keeping my eye open for the results.

My boy Crazy Legs is vying for the title (I saw him "warming" up on the news this am, eating 3 cannolis in 45 seconds). The world record is 26 cannolis in 6 minutes, which is shared by Cookie Jarvis (2005) and Tim "Eater X" Janus (2006).

Good luck to all the competitors today...the next round of milk is on me!

2007-09-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Monkey Love

Everyone sing along at once now:

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

2007-09-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

Be friendly to your vegetables

Alarming news out of upstate New York today.

Apparently a Chinese Buffet worker was crushing his garlic using his boot of all things!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070912/ap_on_fe_st/odd_stomping_garlic;_ylt=Ano2MHmljECw867iMtZU8t.hOrgF

The worker has since been fired since stomping the garlic into smithereens with his shoe.

Although I must admit that is a pretty good way of crushing garlic. Just not the most sanitary.

Maybe the guy was up late one night watching re-runs of I Love Lucy when she got the job stomping grapes

In either case, just a friendly reminder to be courteous to your vegetables out there when you're "preparing" them to be eaten.

They would appreciate it.

2007-09-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Ridin with the 'po-po'

So last night was pretty adventurous. My "good citizenship" kicked in again as I was witness to a "small time crime" last night next to my apt. Earlier in the evening Tegdirb (perhaps best nickname ever?) saw a few 'utes' break into a construction site across the street. I had debated alerting the proper authorities but held off since they just appeared to be horsin' around in the site. Well an hour or so later I looked outside again and said 'utes' had taken a "long metal instrument used to climb" and were in the process of chucking it over the wall of the construction site (notice i'm not using real names for the crime and product should certain utes discover google and discover my blog and thus discover my identity - you figure out the rest. After all, I survived the first four slugs in my chest while ridin w/ Pac in Vegas...don't need any matchin scars.)

Anyway I figured it was time to alert the authorities and after calling Tres-Uno-Uno I was told that this WAS in fact an emergency and was patched to Nueve-Uno-Uno where I told the dispatcher about the illegal activity transforming in front of my eyes.

After giving a description of location a few minutes later I received a call back asking to confirm location. A minute or two after that another call asking for updates. And then a few minutes later I was asked to come downstairs to "take a visual".

After meeting the po-po outside I walked with them round the corner to where several utes were being questioned (per my original description). I glanced over unassumingly and squinted to see them. The clothing "fit the bill" but I couldn't make a positive facial ID. I mean then again it was 9:30 at night and I was seeing the action from a good 75 feet away. So a little hard to make out facial identification. I informed the officers that I couldn't make a positive facial ID but the build/clothing fit. We took a walk to the break in area and I identified where the large metal climbing apparatus was taken too and where the utes might have stashed it.

I gave a few more statements and then was told to hop in the car for a ride back to my apt. I climbed in the back seat and holy shit...let me tell you, for those who haven't been in the back of a copcar there's NO leg room back there. None. I barely could squeeze my legs in and I'm not even that tall. Anyone over 6'2" would basically have to be a contortionist to fit into the back of a squad car. I guess they make the experience as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway not sure what they did with said utes but I felt like I did my civic duties. Most people (actually all people) in my neighborhood wouldn't say dick because they don't give a shit. But I figured that a) the construction company would want to know their property was being damaged b) lets teach these utes a lesson by letting them know someone is always watching them. The whole experience made me feel like I was on the set of CSI: NY or NYPD Blue or Homicide: Life on the Street (BEST cop drama ever in my humble opinion) or any other NYC crime type show. I always thought I'd make a good cop...although I'd prefer to be a undercover or "rogue civilian" cop, catching civilians engaging in acts of "petty" crimes (you know this from my Rules of Pedestrian Engagement article from back in the days).

Speaking of police officers...apparently this one got sick on a salty burger.. I mean, we all know McDonald's burgers are pretty flavorless on their own (hence why we douce them in ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, etc). But getting one that had a ton of salt on it would probably taste like shit (It is shit, austin).

I agree with the quote in the article that said the cop should've thrown out the burger on first bite. But hey, a hungry cop is a hungry cop! Just good thing it wasn't a donut that had a certain "sugar-like substance" spilled on it. Last thing we need are officers sniffing their uniforms to get them some more of the "powderly sugar" goodness. Of course I'm talking about the innocent white powdered sugar. I would never insinuate that an officer of the law would snort some coke off their uniforms. In any case I'm sure his salty burger tasted a hell of a lot better than the rubbery egg & cheese I had from Starbucks this am.

And that was after waiting for 20 minutes (no joke) for a grande Vanilla Latte and said egg sandwich. All I really wanted was the Latte to help my digestive system perform its magic this am (TMI?) but I threw the rubbery egg sandwich in there as well. My question is why would you microwave an egg and cheese? Why wouldn't you just get a toaster oven and toast it? At least then the english muffin wouldn't become rubbery in the microwave, it would be nice and crispy. Same with the bacon. And the egg would heat just the same in the toaster as it would in the microwave. Am I making sense here or is that just too much common sense? I'm a man who knows my egg sandwiches (was a short-order cook in a bagel shop for a few months) so needless to say it's very disappointing when something simple like an egg and cheese gets so fucked up.

Anyway the real picture I should have taken this morning was on the subway. I was sitting across from a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug. Seriously, that's probably the best descriptor for her. And the women was probably in her 50s/60s at best. Her skin was so weathered and wrinkingly and her face was compressed like a pug's is. It was quite fascinating actually. I was so tempted to whip it out and take a picture of her/it (talkin about whippin out my cell phone of course). I wish I could of but then too many people got on and stood in my way.

If she wore a blonde wig and wore a white dress she may have looked something like this (only darker):

2007-09-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves my giant peter

So on this "show and tell" Friday I figured I show everyone my giant peter!

Everyone who walks by my desk stops to play with my peter. They make it talk and laugh. They turn it on and off. One co-worker (who will remain anonymous for fear of nasty office rumors spreading) said as he walked by my cube: "I LOVE your giant peter!".

I guess I'm flattered. I mean I know I just got my giant peter a few days ago but had I known it would have been this popular I would have 'sprung' for one a long time ago!

(WAIT JUST A MINUTE - was that a 'funny' I just made! LOOK OUT...I think I'm feeling funny again!!! FINALLY! About fuckin time. Who's bringing funny back? Yeah!)

Anyway I guess I should share my giant peter with the rest of you.

So without further adieu here he is...live and in the flesh...my giant peter.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Cue Peter Griffin laugh.

2007-09-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

Return of the "Mac"

Ok, so technically it's not return of 'the' Mac, but when I saw that the folks at Commodore are itching for a comeback, the Mark Morrison "Return of the Mac" song popped into my head.

Apparently Commodore is "resurrecting" itself in hopes to jump back into the PC gaming market.

http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/business/scn-sa-eyeonbiz1sep05,0,2648046.story?track=rss

Personally I hope they stay as low end as possible with their graphics. I know I'd much rather play some old school Dr. J vs Larry Bird then play some futuristic crap game like Halo.

It's hard to top the graphics and game play of Dr. J vs Larry Bird for the Commodore

That and they should go old school with their computer processors too. I'm really sick of new age Windows crashing every other day or other problems that happen with our PC's these days.

---
Side note: speaking of crashes. I saw this nasty accident the other day. Happened and unfolded right in front of my eyes. Traffic was stopped at a green light as a Firetruck was approaching the intersection with its lights on and sirens blaring. Everyone was still so the firetruck proceeded through the intersection. Suddenly this Escalade decides to make a dash for it and ends up getting T-boned by the fire truck that was accelerating. The Escalade did a few 360s and smashed into a telephone pole, with one of its tires ending up down the street. I took some pics of the carnage:

The driver of the firetruck suffered minor injuries as did the drive of the Escalade. As one of the few eyewitnesses I stayed behind and gave my testimony of the accident. It was pretty crazy to watch the whole thing unfold. The driver of the Escalade was a 21 year old, and had just got the car last week. Apparently he was on his cell phone and wasn't paying attention.
---

Anyway, back in the olden days, the worst thing that could happen to you was your floppy disk broke. Otherwise, the computer was your canvas, and you could run scripts and draw designs at will (who could forget the old Turtle drawer or the old number formatting system. I spent hours as a child playing around with the old Turtle Logo drawer).

I'm probably the only one who longs for the olden days of video games. Then again you're talking about a guy who would rather plug in his Nintendo rather than an XBox360.

More to come later...including why everyone is telling me they love my giant 'peter'.

2007-09-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

Whirlwind

It's been a whirlwind since coming back from the wedding this weekend (which was an awesome time btw! Congrats again to John and ESR-W)

In fact I can't believe it's already Wednesday evening and I haven't even had a second to write to y'all - let alone catch up on my blog reading (I hear the grumblings - no worries my friends I'll get there!)

I wish I had something funny or witty to say at the moment but reality is I'm spent. Toast. My holy shit I have how much work to do part of my brain has completely enveloped my humor side of my brain. It's depressing really. I see something or hear something funny then seconds later it's gone. Vanished. I mean I'm not about to go all Owen Wilson on everyone (too soon?) but eventually I'll snap out of it.

Perhaps a visit from Cher herself would help me 'snap outta it'

I'll find my inspiration somehow, someway. Don't lose faith in me just yet. I'll get you laughing again shortly.

News team UNITE!

2007-08-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Labor Day

I'm off to attend the wedding of faithful readers John and ESR-W.

I'll be back after Labor Day.

For those readers who reside overseas and don't know what Labor Day is, Labor Day is an American holiday celebrating childbirth.

Enjoy your holiday weekend!

2007-08-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

And now a word from our sponsors

Firstly my apologies for the lack of updates recently. As many of you know I've been off traveling this great country of ours for work and my latest stop brought me to Springfield, MO.

After being stuck in the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport for 9 hours because not one, not two but three of my flights I was scheduled to leave on had mechanical failures (including one right before take off), I was stuck in airport long time as Tom Hanks would say (that sentence sponsored by the Terminal - now available on BetaMax for your viewing pleasure).

So after barhopping through the airport, including spending 2 1/2 hours downing Vodka Tonics in chili's and talking to the 5 or 6 people who sat next to me at the bar since I wasn't going anywhere for a while (that sentence sponsored by Snickers. Satisfy your hunger today), I finally made my way to Springfield. I hopped on my flight and it was one of those "puddle jumpers" with one seat, aisle and 2 seats, with just enough headroom to fit the cast of Little People, Big World (thanks to my sponsor, TLC). I was sitting in seat 2A...which would be first class normally, although on a puddle jumper it just means I'm sitting in the service vestibule (yes, I broke out the word vestibule. I'm working on 2 1/2 hrs of sleep here people. Thanks).

Anyway the flight attendant (male) came up to me and said we have the last name. I asked him how he pronounces his and he said Jet-tay. I said really, me too. Then he says, well I can't really say that though cause I live down south and they don't like the French much down here. Actually the funny part is I don't bother correcting people on my last name either, especially on the road. Last thing I need is to start a holy way south of the mason dixon line by sounding french, even though no one in my family speaks French nor can we directly trace any French heritage. So I just let them call me Mr. Jet.

Well Mr. Jet-tay (the flight attendant) and I chatted for a long while and he was a pleasant fellow who grew up in CT and moved to Dallas 21 years ago. He even game me an extra can of coke to take on the road. Which was much appreciated since I had missed my ride which left at 3pm and had to rent my own car. Nothing like driving in unfamiliar territory at 10pm after spending all day in the airport downing Vodka Tonics. But then again this is Missouri and I was heading towards a place I've always wanted to visit: Branson.

Branson, MO - the Las Vegas of the Midwest, without the hi-priced strippers

I mean how can you not love the entertainment capital of the midwest. Home to such family friendly acts as Tony Orlando & Dawn, Yakov Smirnoff and the Baldknobbers.

Coming down the highway (Route 86) there's about 1 million billboards advertising all of the activities you can do in Branson, like watch D rated entertainment, eat, shop and eat some more. I've seen it featured in numerous food and travel shows and have always wanted to stop to take a look. Unfortunately I was in no mood for stopping at 10pm and even more unfortunately my schedule prohibited me from truly experiencing Branson, save for the neon sign that said Branson and the huge Yakov! sign above Yakov Smirnoff's theatre:

I guess I'll just have to go pay another visit someday. Especially when I'm in the mood for some banjo jubilee and some bald guys with no teeth. Nothing says entertainment like the Baldnobbers!

(This whole post sponsored by Lunesta - who reminds you to be responsible and get more than 2 1/2 hours of sleep).

2007-08-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

Just grin and "bear" it

There's a bit of a crisis in Lake Tahoe these days. It seems that global warming has taken some winter jobs away from the ever present black bear population which have caused the bears to have to resort to other means to get their yearly income. Some bears have joined the lucrative real estate market, others have found employment in casinos. Yet the ones that were previously employed as ski instructors or ski resort lift line workers, have had problems regaining employment in the area.

This lucky bear found employment as a Pepsi taste tester

Jack, 3, was able to find employment as a garbage man

Benny, 7, is now a drive thru banking teller

Some bears have been forced to give up their homes and are basically wandering the area homeless, unable to afford the rising rents in their dens anymore. These bears have resorted to a life of petty larceny, breaking into other bear and human residences in order to grab some "bare" essentials, such as food and water. Other, craving the luxury of their former homes, have treated themselves to romps through strangers hot tubs and have even used the bathrooms in the houses they're breaking into.

Bears in Lake Tahoe have been slowly forced out of their homes, causing them to use neighbors hot tubs for relaxation

Some of the bears have been messy, leaving behind a trail of damage after their romps through the houses. "They went into my sisters room and pooper on her bed" said Danielle Hyde.

The scene after a renegade bear left his neighbor's kitchen in shambles

Other bears have more been neat and courteous. "I chased a bear out of my living room. He'd been eating Chocolate Kisses. I found 15 wrappers on the floor - just wrappers, no chocolate mess. He was much neater than my own kids ever were" said Gloria Bourke. Another homeowner said "...he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of Java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn" said Tower Snow, Jr.

Regardless of the aftermath, the residents of Lake Tahoe will need to live with their new inhabitants as these bears search for a better means and more gainful employment.

(Note: this above story is based "loosely" on an article that appeared in People magazine. The photos and quotes are real...the story is a slight twist of the truth. All bears gave their approval to use their name and likeness in this story.)

2007-08-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

"Fantasy" Weekend

When you think "fantasy weekend" you probably don't envision 12 guys in a room drinking beer, talking football, with a newborn and a greyhound (unless maybe you're Britney Spears). But when it's fantasy football season, there's no time for females or lounging at the beach. There's some pride on the line and some drafting to be done! Well, this past weekend was my annual fantasy football draft. I'm proud to say our league has been in existance for 15 years and I think I've been a part of it for the last 9. The best part about our league is that we try to be together in person for the draft. Obviously getting everyone in the same room year after year is difficult, especially with people living all over the country, but that's what makes our league special.

Anyway, not to bore you with all of the fantasy football details (if you want to know my team feel free to post a comment) but one of the highlights is always the food. We've come a long way since our inception, and at recent drafts you could find lobster, freshly caught steamed quahog, Vietnamese Tiger Shrimp (the biggest shrimp you've ever seen!), homemade chili and other tasty treats (both homemade and store bought).

For this year I was able to bust out some boneless buffalo chicken strips using my newly updated recipe. I bake my famous "buffalo wings" instead of frying them and make a "special sauce" which has become famous over the years at Super Bowl parties and other gatherings. I've started to substitute chicken wings for skinless, boneless chicken breast that I carve up into bite size portions and bake away. The result is a nice tender and tasty buffalo chicken piece that's for the most part healthy for you (minus the sodium in the buffalo wing sauce).

My buffalo style chicken (right) accompanied by Pigs in a Blanket and Jalepeno Poppers

Along with my buffalo style chicken we feasted on Connell's chili, pizza, homemade Hummus, brownies, and Ian's extra large, butterflied grilled tiger shrimp (of which I ate about 20 of - hence no pictures).

Connell's chili

Pizza and homemade hummus

So the food this year was a success, even if we didn't have freshly caught clams and steamed lobster. But maybe we'll make up for it next year!

Anyway, I had another "fantasy" experience last night when I was invited to a swank party thrown by Meow Mix. Now when you think Meow Mix you don't think party (unless there's some catnip thrown in!) but the party was a "Meow Mix Acatemy Back to School party".

The party was thrown in a converted space on Union Square East and 15th street. There were limos in the front and cameras everywhere and immediately I thought I wouldn't be let in with my khakis and untucked polo shirt. But since I "was on the list" I was let in.

Immediately after I walked through the front doors it was like a stepped on stage of a model shoot. To my left was a photo area where singer Kat DeLuna was holding some cats and posing for pictures. On my right was an area to purchase Meow Mix "attire" including t-shirts and handbags. Further into the room were two side rooms with more photo areas, including a life-size kitty play area where another model was taking pictures. The room then opened up into a bar and food area, with a stage and areas to "catnap" and stretch.

Since the party was cat themed, invited guests were (besides Kat DeLuna): Iron Chef Cat Cora, "Big Pussy" from the Sopranos, CariDee (winner of America's Next Top Model) and Rachel Hunter. Not sure what Rachel Hunter had to do with cats, but regardless she was there (although I didn't even recognize her, nor did I recognize any celebrities for that matter). All I know was that there were LOTS of tall women there (presumably all models) and lots of yummy food (and a large sampling of Meow Mix Salmon treats for your cats there for the taking). I had joked with some guests that they should serve up the cat treats on little crackers just to see if people would've noticed the difference (they probably wouldn't have). But all in all for the little I was there it was a good time (how can you not enjoy watching models prance around a small room trying to "one-up" each other).

Here are some published pics from last night:

Apparently the "Meow Mix Acatemy" is here to stay for a while too. So may be something to check out if you're a cat lover. Although hopefully the geniuses beyond ICanHazCheezburger won't go and fuck it up for cat lovers.

2007-08-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Ding Dong the Witch is dead!

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!

The wicked witch of the east, the "Queen of Mean", died this morning due to heart failure. Frankly, this is 87 years too long in the making.

Why should I say such evil things about a person? Well because I have a personal vendetta against Helmsley (as do millions of people). Firstly, instead of being a philanthrophist and doing good with her empire of millions (like Brooke Astor), she was a greedy bitch who cared nothing about the less fortunate including her own workers.

Secondly, back in the early 90s when Madison Square Garden was undergoing renovations, she owned (and still does) all of the property across the street from the garden (where Bar Local now stands). Back then the sports bar on the corner was the "Good Old Days", a true NYC sports bar in which every celebrity, past and present would come in to personally sign autographs and memorabilia that hung throughout the bar. Boxing gloves signed by Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali. Basketballs signed by Walt Frazier, Earl Monroe and countless others. Wrestling trunks signed by Hulk Hogan. Ice skates signed by Peggy Fleming. If they performed in the garden, odds are you found a piece of their outfit or equipment at the Good Old Days.

The place was filled with sports memorabilia including old pennants, pictures, baseball cards, etc. You could spend hours (which I did) walking around the bar admiring the history on the walls. I personally had a bunch of the banners given to me from the bar since that was one of my father's top accounts for his airconditioning/refrigeration servicing job. Anyway, once the garden took a year off for renevations business was slow. The bar appealed to Helmsley to give them tax relief to be able to remain in business until the garden reopened for business. Helmsley being the raving bitch that she was said no and the bar was forced to close. The owners reopened bars throughout the city including the now defunct West 4 st. Saloon and the Stoned Crow (in which I stumbled upon a few weeks back, with some of the banners I knew as a child in tact! - more on that at a later date). Helmsley in her typical fashion crushed the spirits of the corner bar, allowing a upscale Chinese fusion restaurant called Beema Grill to move in. I graduated H.S. from the Garden in 1994, in which I walked across the street and spit on the restaurant numerous times, cursuing Helmsley in the process.

Those who know me know my personal dislike for the Queen of Mean. Think I'm alone? Just ask the thousands of workers she personally screwed throughout her career. Or her houseworkers, who quoted her once as saying: "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

That pretty much sums her life up. Fuckin bitch...I hope you rot in hell. And they better bury your ass far away from the city...you've done enough damage here over the years. Stay in Greenwich with the rest of the rich and wealthy assholes who hoard their millions and build their mega houses. I hope they rename all of your properties too, your name doesn't deserve to be anywhere in this city.

2007-08-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

The reviews are in...

My blog was just up for review on Humor-Blogs.com, which is a collection of best humor blogs throughout the land. The cool part about the site is the reviews, in which fellow bloggers who are members of the site review each others work and the blogs are "scored" based on those results.

The reviewers (including myself) are very opinionated and really look for blogs to be laugh-out-loud funny. And when they aren't, then the blogs get "thrashed" in their reviews and the scores suffer accordingly. Obviously I wasn't allowed to review my own blog, but without further adieu, here is my review according to the reviewers at Humor-Blogs.com:

---
WhatPushesMyButtons got very consistent, if not overwhelming, scores from our reviewers. The consensus was that it was smart, well written and sometimes amusing, but generally not laugh-out-loud funny.

Category	Score	Points
Content	5.17	36/70
Writing	6.5	3/5
Web Design	5.67	3/5
Intangibles	4.5	2/5
Read Regularly	1.67	2/10
Frequency	10	5/5
Total		51

Percentile Rank: 25

Some quotes from our reviewers:

The blog author does deserve points for my being able to persevere through a review after the first post I encountered detailed her being the victim of a "shit and run" (complete with photo). That was just wrong. Having said that, I found some of the posts and choices of material covered original and pretty funny at times. The overall template felt a bit cluttered (that may have been my ADD-ishness kicking in). I think if he declutters a bit, posts no more pictures of feces, he'd be a bit more humorous.

This blog makes me wonder if the author has an unhealthy obsession with food.

This blog falls into a pretty common category; writers who post clever observations without making the leap to being funny. When I read a humor blog, I want to laugh. Or snicker...hell, I'd settle for a good smirk. 'What Pushes My Buttons' is smart, it has the clever observations and the rhetorical responses, but it just never gets funny.

Not bad, but nothing spectacular. I like the fact that the post subjects are not the "same old" topics that everyone seems to cover. No "lol" but some solid smiles. Really solid web design.

Well written and sometimes amusing, but certainly not laugh-out-loud funny.

I have a feeling that What Pushes My Buttons was the victim of reviewers who are getting a little tired of blogs that are almost funny. It's a good blog, but at this point it doesn't really stand out among the crowd of humor blogs. The real problem, in my opinion, is that the blog isn't personal enough to compensate for its lack of laugh-out-loud humor. Zoning Out Again is a good example of a blog that isn't hysterically funny, but got a good review because ZOA makes the reader feel like he or she is peeking inside the life (and somewhat crazy brain) of the author.

In contrast, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if the author of WPMB was male or female. One of our reviewers referred to the author as a "she," which surprised me because I assumed the author was a guy. I finally found a reference to "shaking the snake," which confirmed that the author was either male or a sadistic herpetologist.

In my humble opinion, if you're trying to make people laugh you need to pick one of two paths: Either sacrifice coherency and accuracy to make as many jokes as you can (Sinister Dan, Pointless Drivel), or really let people into your life so they can see how funny things look from your perspective (Dorky Dad, Zoning Out Again). You can even veer wildly between these two paths as the mood strikes you. But a surefire way to get lukewarm reviews is to strike a compromise between the two paths where you relate mildly amusing, factually accurate stories without much of a personal touch.
---

Ouch! I mean...granted last week wasn't my most funniest weeks of posts (and even Bridget said people are gonna be grossed out by the shit in the toilet pic). But I mean that's just me. Sometimes I'm funny and sometimes I'm not. But I guess I really wasn't funny last week because I got ripped apart in my reviews.

I was the victim of a brutal Humor-Blogs.com attack!

I mean people thought I was clever and original (which I definitely liked hearing) and that's pretty much all I can ask for. Some people will find me funny. Some will find me disturbing. And some won't find me funny at all. That's just a personal preference I guess and everyone has a difference sense or preference of humor.

But given the reviews above from the non-faithful readers of my blog, I wanted to ask my "adoring audience" for their thoughts. Would you rather me be more "personal" with my posts and give you an inside peek at my inner workings? Or would you rather me continue to be an irrational thought machine who I guess occassionally makes you chuckle or laugh (hopefully).

My goal with this blog is to make you laugh and give you a little break from the stresses of your work or personal lives. But according to the folks whose "job it is to be funny", I'm not even at a passing grade (51 out of 100 points).

As Pesci said in Goodfellas: "How the fuck am I funny? Funny how? Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?"

I personally don't care what other people think and I plan to keep on keeping on with the stuff I think makes you laugh. But if you feel like the consensus was right, and I'm not a funny fuck at all, then please speak up. Your voice matters too! Thanks!

2007-08-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

My own empire

A few months back ESR-W came back from a trip to Europe with a tearout of a magazine. The tearout was of a fragrance entitled: Jette by Night

I laughed of course being that's my last name and kept it aside for a keepsake.

Well more recently I saw another ad for Jette by Night, but this time for a shower and body gel!

So I decided to look up the product. Lo and behold the product is a huge sensation throughout Europe! No way! Not only is it a fragrance, body and shower gel, but there's also jewelry, clothing, footwear, eyewear and even skates! Crazy!

I found out the designer is a lady named Jette Joop so she named all of her product line after herself (although secretly I think she named the products after me!). In fact, the designer is so popular she throws huge bashes when a new product line is launched!

It's crazy. And since it's a European based company they definitely use sex to sell "my product". Take a look at these hot 'adverts':

I'm thrilled my product is all about the high fashion. Especially the roller skates.

My skates are off the hook!

Obviously it's all one big coincidence that the product line is named after me. But regardless it seems like this "imposture" is making quite a living off using my name. Maybe I'll have to consult my attorneys to get some royalties. I mean she's gotta be raking in millions!

So Ms. Joop or Ms. Jette...or whatever you go by, just remember, as Brooke Astor said: "Money is like manure, it should be spread around."

2007-08-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

"Money is like manure..."

If that's the case I'm "shit out of luck". Da dum dum. Thank you thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

The full quote is: "Money is like manure, it should be spread around." Which is one of the best quotes I've heard in a long time. It comes courtesy of one of the most generous persons to ever walk the face of this earth: Brooke Astor.

Astor, who married the son of wealthy investor John Jacob Astor, just passed away at the age of 105. Her career was spent being a philantrophist and contributer to society's greater good. She took her husband's fortune and spread the wealth throughout NYC over the years, spending up to $200 million to fund such projects as the New York Public Library, Carnegie Hall, the Museum of Natural History, Central Park, the Bronx Zoo, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the one closest to my heart, the Apollo Theatre.

While she was very wealthy, she was always approachable by anyone, rich or poor. If only other wealthy (like Leona Helmsley) contributed like Brooke did the world be a much better place. "I grew up feeling that the most important thing in life was to have good manners and to enhance the lives of others", Brooke was quoted saying in 1992. That's pretty much my creedo too.

So here's to you, Mrs. Astor. Even though your last days were apparently spent sleeping on an urine infested couch and children fighting over your estate, you will be truly missed by all New Yorkers!

2007-08-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

And here I thought I was being original...

So before I left for Michigan this past weekend I had told my lovely girlfriend Bridget that I'll miss her, but that absence makes the heart grow fonder (i know...can I get some figs with that sap). Except when I said it I kind of slurred the word absence, and it sounded like I said Abinsthe.

We laughed and then I thought wait, that would make an awesome marketing campaign! Abinsthe makes the heart grow fonder could be a perfect tagline for an alcoholic beverage that is known to have "mysterious powers".

Makes the heart grow fonder

I thought it was a perfect idea. Original. Never thought of before. I was a genius right?

Well..frankly no. About a few thousand other people apparently have thought of that idea before. Thanks to a quick Google search, oh about 25,000 or so. No shit. Don't I feel like an asshole now. I was gonna design this whole marketing idea around a bottle of Abinsthe and a drunken love connection but no need to do that now I guess. In fact there's a whole bunch of musicians who have even wrote songs entitled "Abinsthe makes the heart grow fonder".

Now, either I'm as smart and witty as a few thousand people or I'm a dumbass for thinking of an idea that's been thought of a thousand times already (hopefully it's the former, but I know you guys will tell me it's the latter).

Nonetheless my mood deflated once I saw I wasn't original on this idea afterall.

So I have nothing else to say at the moment. My creative inspiration was sucked right out of me. It's like finding out Pluto is no longer a planet. Just alone. Out there. Inconsequential.

Pluto, my friend, I feel your pain

2007-08-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

What a "turd"!

WARNING...EXTREMELY DISTURBING CONTENT COMING UP. PLEASE DON'T READ NOR BE OFFENDED IF YOU DO READ. JUST WARNING YOU NOW. THANK YOU.

So they are doing construction in our office right now and we're packing up and moving downstairs. Half the floor has moved already so it's just our half that's left. So last night I figured I'd use the bathroom on the empty side of the floor since I had to do my "duty".

Well imagine my surprise when I walk into the bathroom and immediately am greeted by a foul and unpleasant order (obscure Seinfeld reference for you there, 100 points if you can guess the scene). I walk past one of the stalls and see this large black piece of shit "drydocked" in the toilet (meaning above the waterline for those who need a visual). The water was yellow and apparently whoever left behind their mess didn't bother to flush.

It was disgusting and appalling. I nearly threw up and turned to leave immediately. But then of course the blogger in me kicked in so I decided to share with you how disgusting this was.

I held my nose as I took the picture on my cell phone and ran out of there as fast as possible. Suddenly my urge to go was completely gone. The craziest part was how whoever took the shit got it to come out of their ass sideways? Seriously...that's fucking crazy. And how they managed to get it drydocked is beyond me. Actually there is some traces of shit on the bowl so they literally must have been forward in the seat.

I wonder what this guy could've eaten to create such a thick and dense piece of shit? I mean it must've hurt like hell trying to push that through. Well, I may have found my answer. Walking back around the office, I saw a few boxes of food on a shelf.

Yep...the Thunderhead Venison Stew would probably explain it.

Anyway, I debated sharing this with y'all given how gross it really was. A picture doesn't do it justice. But since I've never been one not to share such stories with my dearest and closest friends, consider this my gift to you.

No need to say thanks.

Anyway, I'm off to Michigan for the weekend for a work event. Enjoy your weekend and I'll talk to you on Monday.

2007-08-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

Putting the "bath" in bathroom

Not sure what the hell is going on, but every afternoon I step into the bathroom and there's a giant pool of water on the ground.

It's ridiculous. You have to jump over 4 feet of water just to get to the urinals or stalls. It appears to be water and not urine, thank goodness, but still...either someone takes a bath in the sinks (or toilets) everyday or we have some problems with leaky pipes.

The worst is when you're not ready for it and you take a step and water goes splashing all over your clothes. One day I had water up the front of my pants and it made it look like I pissed myself or had tremendous leakage. You know, when you don't "shake the snake" enough and you tuck him back into to your underwear only to find out there was still some squirts left. Next thing you know you have leakage in your pants and a trail of wetdots down the front of your pants.

What? That doesn't happen to you? Lucky bastard. I've recently resorted to shaking about 5 or 6 times before putting the hose away. I mean you could always blame it on the water that flies from your hands after you wash them (another thing that often happens that makes it look like you pissed your pants!).

Anyway, next time I step into the bathroom here I may have to wear waders. And maybe bring a kayak too.

2007-08-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

Slowest cab ride ever

On my way home from work last night at around 11:30pm (I took a few hours "off" to play racquetball last night and nearly broke my ankle in half in the process - but that's another story), I grabbed a cab on Park & 33rd.

The driver said it was his last run and he was heading uptown. Perfect because so was I. I noticed the driver was an older gentleman, easily in his late 60s/early 70s. But I figured he would probably have a lead foot, especially being it was so late at night and cabbies are normally in a rush to go home after a long day's work.

Boy was I mistaken. Now don't get me wrong, it was actually nice to have a cab driver take his time, not kill any pedestrians and even slow down before hitting an axle-busting pothole (most cabbies will speed up before hitting said potholes and give you the worst whiplash you've ever had...especially since no one ever wears a seatbelt in the back of a cab!). Anyway, this guy was going so slow, people on bicycles were passing us by. I've never been in a cab in which everyone else is racing around you. It felt like we were just sitting there idle. I glanced over at the odometer and it said 20 mph. 20! Who does 20 mph in Manhattan without traffic?? While it was nice to take a leisurely ride through the streets of the city, I just wanted to get home. I was tired, my ankle was throbbing. I was tempted to jump in the front seat and say move over gramps, i'm taking the wheel. But I restrained.

I was indeed his last fare of the evening. Hell, for all I know I could've been his last fare ever - and that's why he was taking his sweet ass time. If that's the case, I guess I don't blame him. Although if he drives like that normally, he's lucky if people don't go off on him. Luckily I'm blessed with patience (on occassion - although I'm losing more and more of it in my old age) but I can see some drunken blowhard cursing him out as he misses light after light on his way home.

Anyway, Ephraham my man...keep cruising...and keep playing that light jazz music in the back of your cab. It was the most relaxing cab ride I've ever had. Good job! I think for your outstanding efforts you should be rewarded with a new cab that would showcase your laid back style. Something along these lines:

2007-08-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

Cute? Or Bent on World Domination?

So apparently a giant Lego emerged from the sea at a resort in Amsterdam

No one has been able to identify where LegoMan originated from, but one woman speculated that the LegoMan came from the UK.

I personally love his shirt that says "No real than you are".

I mean could that make anymore of a political statement? LegoMan is basically telling us that like him, we're just a piece of plastic on this earth.

The smile is quite devious too...so you wonder if it's really a spy LegoMan sent from a neighboring country like the UK. It's no secret that the English and the Dutch don't get along. Actually in Ireland last year I heard this guy refer to his friend from Amsterdam as a "Dutch Fucker" (make your own assumptions on what that means).

So this very well could be a "Trojan Horse" trick pulled by the English. If so, it would be a huge boon for the Brits, whose last "Trojan Rabbit" trick during Monty Python and the Holy Grail failed miserably.

The LegoMan trick could be a re-do for the botched King Arthur Trojan Rabbit debacle

2007-08-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

Some Like It Hot

I like it not.

Seriously...it's a wicked scorcher out there (as my friends from Beantown would say). This morning's commute was ridiculous as none of the subways were running and the lines for the buses stretched longer than most lines for American Idol auditions. So being a crafty Harlemite, I walked my way up to the Metro North stop at 125th and hopped on a train coming downtown. Not only was it nice and airconditioned, I didn't have to pay a dime. Although after walking 20 blocks to the Metro North in the swamp that they called air this morning, and after walking another 10 blocks to my office after the train ride, my shirt had stretched out beyond all belief. It looks more like a nightgown rather than a cotton polo shirt. Hence why lunch was eaten at my desk today courtesy of some leftover wonton shop, a peanut butter balance bar I got for free in a promotion yesterday and one of those pre-cooked and breaded Purdue Chicken Cutlets - eaten cold right out of the packaging.

No need to heat these bad boys, just peel the plastic and eat!

Needless to say I'm less than satisfied...although I really don't feel like venturing out into the heat at the moment. The country is baking right now...in fact just looked at the current weather map and there's more red on the map than in Reagan's 1984 presidential win over Mondale.

This might as well be the current weather map for the U.S.

Although I did manage to crack myself up earlier. After the pools of sweat were beginning to bead up on my arms, I started singing "Some Like it Hot" to myself. You know, that song by Power Station (later sung by Robert Palmer) back in the 80s.

Sing along with me now:

Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on...
Some feel the heat and decide that they can't go on...
Some like it hot, but you can't tell how hot 'til you try...
Some like it hot, so let's turn up the heat 'til we fry

Feeeeeeeeeeel the heat.
Pushing you to decide (is that what they really said? huh, never knew that)

Feeeeeeeeel the heat.
Burning you up, ready or not.

2007-08-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

She should have used the Princess

It's nice to be back to civilization after traversing through the land of endless miles of cornfields yesterday (I had to take a trip through the hills of South Eastern Missouri/Southern Illinois on my way to the Grand American Trapshoot in Sparta, IL). The heat (105 Heat Index) fried my brains to shreds and coming straight to the office off the plane didn't really help matters mentally. I've been stammering out sentences all day and my eyes are glazing over. In fact I don't even know if this is making any sense whatsoever right now! But I just saw an article I just couldn't resist "commenting" on.

So apparently this French girl tripped out on Shrooms' in Amsterdam and tried to jump off a building because she probably thought she could fly.

The article references that the young girl took "Magic Mushrooms", like the kind that's seen here:

I immediately thought of my favorite movie of all-time, Airplane II, where the wife is recalling on the plane the time the husband did some of that "bad acid" and thought he was jesus christ while he tried to jump off a roof cause he thought he could fly. (I'll have to vidcap the clip for you since it's no where to be found on YouTube). Anyway, since that reference is probably too random for most of you (except for my friends to whom I quote lines of Airplane on an almost daily basis), the other thing I thought of was Super Mario Brothers II and how by "eating" (or in this case squatting down and flipping) the mushrooms, you got an energy boost and you grew in size. (One day I need to talk about how fucked up the Japanese are by inventing these types of ideas in the first place (let's not forget the whole Tamagotchi debacle of the mid 90's. But I'll save that for another day...maybe when I'm tripping on shrooms myself!).

Since it's well documented how great the euphoric effects eating "magic mushrooms" are and assuming this girl at some point had played Super Mario Brothers II in her lifetime (although she was French...do they french even play video games?) she would have known that if she was going to jump off a building or ledge, she should have morphed into the Princess.

Only the Princess is able to float on air after consuming mushrooms

So let this be a lesson to all who plan on taking shrooms and then trying to jump off buildings. You only start out with 2 lives. Select your player wisely.

2007-08-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

End of innocence

So apparently our beloved Mr. Softee was delivering tasty treats of a different kind in Queens. Mr. Softee driver Jermaine Jordan was recently busted for dealing pot and cocaine out of his Mr. Softee truck.

"People would approach and place their order," a police source said. "The bottom of their cup would contain their purchase, either cocaine or marijuana."

Sweet. But what about those people who purchased a cone? Were the sprinkles laced with coke? Was the vanilla and chocolate twist soft serve laced with some good ole homegrown pot?

So I guess only those who purchased their ice cream in a cup were lucky enough to get the drugs. That's the biggest form of discrimination I've seen in years. I'm a cone guy through and through. Waffle or sugar. Doesn't matter. Who could resist the crunch of a cone while you're biting into some soft ice cream. But why would you discriminate against us when you're dealing out your leafy and powdery goodness?

Of course I'm kidding about the cocaine though...although pot I wouldn't turn down. I mean if it's being offered and all. Especially Mr. Softee pot. The street value on that shit is off the hook.

Mr. Softee, serving the best pot for 50 years

2007-08-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

Of course it was a quick birth

Ok...so as many already know the well famed Duggar family of Arkansas recently welcomed their 17th child into this world. The child, Jennifer Danielle, became the 18th J named member of the Duggar clan (counting Jim Bob - the father).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070803/ap_on_fe_st/17_kids;_ylt=AjNyu7n7mYmX65zF0ZRJCVbtiBIF

Now, you already know how I feel about this family based on a previous post. So needless to say I'm pretty impartial about the family values that the Duggar clan employs. While I'm not here to judge, I think it does smack of a religious cult, and many of you have agreed with me on that fact.

Since the Duggar's have no plan of stopping, I guess there's nothing to do but sit back and just watch the family grow like some unwanted weeds.

I think the funniest part of the recent birth was the mother, Michelle (who is the only non J-named person in the family) who said quote: "It actually went fast...I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes."

Gee...I wonder why the birth went so fast? Could it be that your birth canal is well accustomed to passing through children at this point. I mean it's like a fuckin slip n slide right now. The fetus forms, waits a few months, sees the light and then just slides right out.

Re-enactment of Duggar clan birth

I'm not even gonna ask how sex is like. How can there be any traction on the tires at this point? Some of you have broken out the Stewie Griffin "it's like throwing a pencil down the hallway" line. Either way, good ole Jim Bob must be hung like a horse to fit in.

Michelle's been pregnant about 10 1/2 years of her life already and she's birthed 18 children. Although she's got a ton of work to do if she wants to catch the world record. According to several sources:

"The greatest number of children produced by a mother in an independently attested case is 69 by the first wife of Fyodor Vassilet (1816-72) a peasant of the Moscow Jurisdiction, Russia, who in 27 confinements, gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. Most of the children attained their majority. Mme. Vassilet became so renowned that she was presented at the court of Czar Alexander II."

So to reach this magic "69" number (ironic isn't it), she would have to have another 52 children! If that's her ambition she needs to start spitting out some quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets and even octuplets. Better start taking some fertility pills Michelle...because what's the sense of having 20 something children if it's not even close to being a record.

2007-08-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Printing Health Hazards?

So as I was checking my Yahoo email earlier I saw this article: "Your Printer May Be Hazardous to your Health"

The article goes on to say that "30 percent of all laser printers tested emit dangerous particles described as 'causing lasting damage on the scale of inhaled cigarette smoke.' These tiny particles lodge deep in the lungs and can lead to anything from lung irritation to full-on cancer."

That's fuckin wonderful. So all the times I've sat close to my printer, even leaning on it and smacking it to urge it to print faster, it's basically been spewing cancer dust at me in retaliation? What about all those paper jams, and sticking my hands up the printer's insides like I was performing some sort of gynological exam? Is that just all a ploy by the printer to say fuck you, this is what you get for waking me up from sleep mode?

Not only that, but there was a second article that said "Your Printer May be Spying on You". Even better...not only is my printer giving me cancer, but its also watching my every move. And here I thought I was safely printing out my super secret advance copy of the not even yet released Harry Potter VIII: The Pubic Hair Dilemna (when our characters get too old to play their parts and discover sex on the set).

But you know what? No longer will I stand idly by while my printers infect me with their filth. It's time to take action! I'm gonna go all Mike Bolton on their asses!

2007-08-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

The Match Game

So a few of you inquired about the food pics I featured on my blog yesterday.

Well without further adieu here's where they are from:

The pizza goodness above was from one of the best pizzeria's around. Nope, not Totonno's or Lombardi's or Patsy's. It was Barb's Pizzeria. In West Hartford, CT.

Now before you fly off the handle, I was a skeptic too, until I tried it. Bridget lived right next door to Barb's and raved about the pizza all of the time. She took me there a few years back and I happened to be wearing my Yankee hat into the pizzeria. The owner saw me and asked if I was a New Yorker. We talked and I found out that he brings up water from the Bronx every week to help "sweeten" the dough for his pizza, thus making a "New York" style pie (thus proving my point that it's all "in the water"). The other bonus is his pepperoni is extra baked, so its even tastier than those pizzerias who just slap pepperoni onto the pie and load it in the oven.

The resulting pizza is really, really good and is about 100x better than that shit they call pizza down at Pepe's in New Haven (which singlehandly could be the most overrated pizza in the entire country). Plus do the pictures above lie? I think not.

Plus Barb's also has a great salad with an awesome house dressing (that the sell by the bottle)

Basically it's a new york style, no frills pizzeria. If they were in NYC they'd be among the best pizzeria's around. But unfortunately those who grew up in CT are swayed by the propaganda machine that is Pepe's and that's all they know. Poor bastards.

The next item I featured was closer to home.

This heart attack on a platter comes courtesy of New York Burger Company.

Their burgers were voted "Best Burger in NYC" according to the AOL cityguide (although I'm not trusting ANYTHING that is AOL endorsed). But the burger is pretty tasty and cooked to order. I last had them a few years back and wasn't impressed, but I must say this time around the burger was quite tasty. While the meat was more medium well than medium rare, they have invested in quality toppings and switched to a broiche type bun to help absorb the fried goodness and keep the structure of the burger intact.

The onion rings have improved as well as they were voted "Best Onion Rings" by GQ Magazine. (Ok...what the hell does GQ have to do with the best of food anything? Don't even tell me the models and fashionistas that read GQ would scarf down a heaping order of onion rings. I mean they're good and all, but I don't need a bunch of models endorsing food for me - ok? Stick to what you know guys, showcasing suits and accessories that none of us "average joe" guys can afford and leave the fried food to those of us who don't have the ability to stuff our fat asses into your $1,000 suits. Thanks!)

Finally we have the Lamb Paillard at The Noho Star which is downtown on Bleecker and Lafayette (kudos to Janet for guessing correctly!) The Noho has some great variety on their menu, and you can order anything from dim sum and chinese classics to grilled tilapia and heaping salads. The portions are generous and the prices very reasonable. Plus they have a kick ass brownie sundie selection for desert. Great "date" place or a place to bring a group of peeps for a low-key dinner.

So there you have it kids. And my apologies for making y'all and myself hungry again! But it's almost time to get grillin' in my cube! On today's menu are hot dogs and grilled chicken cutlet sandwiches w/ melted mozzarella! Pictures to follow shortly!

Post blog note

Here are the yummy Nathan's hotdogs I grilled up today. Good stuff.

2007-08-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

End of the mom and pops

Not a surprise, but more and more independent restaurants, delis and mom and pop type sandwich shops are falling to the wayside to clear room for fast food/restaurant chains and luxury buildings.

Recently around my office alone, we've lost a few valuable dining destinations. Pinch, the venerable "Pizza By the Inch" that was actually quite good and had some kick-ass salads, shuttered to make room for a luxury building (another small cafe was shuttered along with it). Thankfully Pinch will be moving to the Upper West Side...bad news for midtown lunchers but good news to the rich folk on the UWS who are not restaurant starved to say the least.

Canaan deli, a breakfast/lunch deli on 31st and Park is giving way to a Chipolte. Not that I was a Canaan supporter, but the residual effect of them closing has caused other delis in the area, namely Suzie's Kitchen, to become uber-crowded...to the point where waits can get up to 15-20 minutes to order your food, pay and get out of the door.

A California Pizza Kitchen chain also opened recently on Park...although everyone keeps telling me it's "fantastic" and some of boldly claimed its the "best pizza ever". I doubt that, although I do believe they've made attempts to create a turnaround in their food quality (last I had it a few years back it was dreadful, with a capital D). But still, improving quality aside, its one less "family owned" or "independent run" business to support.

Now I'm not saying that chains are the destroyer of good...but it does suck when a well liked and profitable place (i.e. Pinch) has to clear way for a new "luxury condo" development and a independent deli like Canaan has to cave into the big bad Chipolte brand. It's bad enough that you can't walk 10 feet without running into a chain these days, whether it be a salad chain like Wild Greens, Chopped and Guy and Gallard or a burrito chain like Chipolte or Burritoville (and yes I'm picking on Chipolte...i think it's way overpriced and is extremely mediocre. There I said it).

Anyway, I'm still buried in an avalanche of work here, but since I have this reputation for having people leave here hungry, here's some more "food for thought":

More on these tasty treats soon!

2007-08-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

Fuckin Vending Machines Don't Take New Quarters

Seriously...what's the deal. I've tried pumping quarter after quarter into our soda machine here and nothing seems to work. They won't take the new quarters for shit. Must be something with the weighting. I think the old quarters had more weighting to them, sorta how the cue ball is heavier than the other balls on a billiards table.

Vending machines are getting no action thanks to the new quarters

Not only that, but the metro north ticket machine wouldn't take my new quarters either this morning on my way to CT for a meeting. Becoming increasingly annoyed at not being able to use change to buy soda, snacks or even a train ticket, I checked online to see if this sorta thing was happening elsewehere.

With a quick Google search I found the US Mint website which said:

"All machines and venues where quarters are accepted are able to receive the 50 State Quarters®."

http://www.usmint.gov/mint_programs/50sq_program/index.cfm?flash=yes&action=faq_50sq&criteria&printer=yes#anchor417391

Hmm...not sure about that. Has anyone at the government actually TRIED using their new quarters in a vending machine? Or do they just get their shit for free? Wait don't answer that...cause I don't want to even know how much shit taxpayers pay for that government employees get for free.

No one in my office is able to use the soda machine anymore. It's basically useless, unless you have a stash of old quarters sitting around. But then inevitably you're one old quarter short of a $1.25 and you're basically fucked cause the machine just ate your dollar.

Don't get me wrong. I like the new quarters. I really do.

The back of the new quarters gives you state pride and it's just like playing the license plate game...you get excited when you see a state quarter you haven't seen before. Or at least I do. Maybe because I'm a loser who gets excited by such things. I just wish they kept the weighting the same so vending machines would take the new quarters. I mean how am I supposed to become a fat, lazy American if I can't buy my soda and chips from the vending machine everyday???

2007-07-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

The big "trade" of the day

So as some of you know (and some don't) today was MLB's trading deadline and activity across the league was fast and furious. The Yankees shedded beloved everyday pitcher Scott Proctor for utilityman Wilson Betemit from the Dodgers. The Red Sox were winners in the Eric Gagne sweepstakes shedding away two minor leaguers for an former All-Star and save machine. The Braves and Rangers traded mexican for italian, as Mark "Tex-Mex" Teixeira was traded to the Braves for a few players including Jarrod "Saltimbocca" Saltalamacchia. I'm sure the folks in Texas will just LOVE pronouncing his last name for years to come.

But the real winners today my friends weren't any professional sports teams (including the Celtics who traded about 30 players and half of Southie for Kevin Garnett). No...the real trade win came today in New Jersey, where needle users got the right to exchange dirty needles for clean ones!

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/07/31/ap3971886.html

No longer should intravenous drug users have to suffer with dirty needles they pick off the streets! Now they can get that shiny ass, clean as a whistle, pointy ended new needle in which to inject drug after drug into their already drug ridden bodies!

Apparently New Jersey was the last state without a "legal way for drug users to get clean syringes". Never knew that. Although I'm sure they've had tons of other problems to deal with. Like asshole drivers who nearly kill their Governer or drive into toll booth barriers. Or fits of rage over a TV show who brought back the infamous "cut to black". Yes, the "armpit of NYC" had much deeper problems to worry about rather than spending tax dollars on supplying drug addicts with clean needles.

But I guess in medical terms, this "clean needle exchange" program was the trade of the day. Now I just need to find that pile of syringes I collected from the beach last week so I can trade them in for some new ones!

2007-07-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Tag...you're it!

So several weeks ago (or what seems like several weeks ago even though it was only technically 11 days) I was "tagged" by Tom at the Tao of Masonry (try saying that 10 times fast...starting now!) with a Meme. Meme's seem to be the "it" thing these days among bloggers, mainly as a way to challenge their fellow blogger friends to reveal more information about themselves. It's almost like getting picked on to speak in front of the class...but the class is full of really cool people who are listening to your every word. So when you're tagged by your peers it is a pretty special feeling...knowing that someone out there really likes what you do (cue violin and tears).

This particular meme calls for the tagged blogger (in this case myself) to pick five posts that I feel identifies, or gets to the core of my blogging. Now I know I had viewers vote on what their favorite posts were last year and among those you'll find my "best" stuff. However to single out five posts after a year plus of blog postings is pretty tough. Do you single out the most disgusting? The most humorous? Or the one that required the most thought?

Anyway, my apologies to Tom for being tardy on my tag response, but without further adieu, here is my "Death By Blog Meme":

The posts I feel best identifies or gets to the core of this blog are (in no particular order):

1) The Rules of Pedestrian Engagement
This particular post took me a few days to write and while the idea could have been more expanded upon, was an idea I had (albeit a bit nonsensical) that incorporated original thought as well as plenty of sarcasm and humor. Plus the bonus came when Time Out New York ran a similar idea a few months later in their magazine, and nearly (and apparently coincidentally) incorporated many of the same ideas that were published within this particular post. So kudos to me for beating them to the punch!

2) If the food's so bad for you, then why are there no fat chinese people?
I loved writing this post because it grew out of another nonsensical thing that popped into my head. Plus it allowed me to incorporate my favorite comedian of all time, John Pinette, and played upon my strength of sarcasm (especially with the absorbing calories through your skin part). I think the best line from this post was Egg Roll meet Duck Sauce, Duck Sauce meet Egg Roll. I crack up whenever I have an egg roll now, and always chuckle to myself when I'm dipping the egg roll into the duck sauce for the first time. I hope you enjoyed that post too.

3) The Ultimate Shower Songs...Part one and deux
I loved writing the ultimate shower songs because it was the first real thing i published on my blog (besides my first post on american idol). It was an idea I had for years, spurred on by watching hours of those Time-Life infomercials with the best songs of the 80s, 90s, barbershop classics, etc. So I finally had a venue to express my take on the whole singing in the shower thing that everyone seems to do but no one readily admits too. I'm still hoping that Fox or one of the networks will pick this up as a competition. Really. Would you rather watch someone singing in the shower or someone trying to remember a line while singing karoake.

Although you know what? Fuck it. I'm producing my own Shower Songs segment soon and publishing it right here on this blog. That's right. You heard it here first. Video and all! (no worries, the camera won't be in the shower with me, it'll be behind the curtain). So if you have any suggestions on songs you'd like me to sing besides the ones published already on this blog please reply to this post or email me with your suggestions. Thanks!

4) Good Humor Friday
Ice cream. Politics. Religion. Bad business practices. What else could you ask for in a blog posting? Any catholic who is looking for an alternative to giving up meat for lent should push for Good Humor Friday!

5) Staring Problem
Why? Well because it shows my typical thought process and the random trains of thought that race in and out of my head. Plus it showcases my ability to draw in completely random references (in this case, Seinfeld, Austin Powers, Soul Train and Broadway Bill Lee) that somehow all tie together nicely. I think that's the essence of this blog...random bullshit that is funny and somehow makes sense (sometimes).

Anyway, that's my "death by blog meme" response.

I guess I now have to "tag" 5 other people to keep this meme going lest I want to end up with Influenzia or Scurvy or some other untreatable disease that the "chain gang" would punish me with.

Soooo...i'd like to "tag" (sorry guys!):

Tortious: CDP - I know...you're thinking fuck...another tag! But if you needed something to write about on a rainy day ;)

Laurie Kendrick: Laurie has some doozy posts to share from the past few months...so I'm sure she can think of 5 good ones!

Ration Reality: Sorry Jesse/BOE/Ape...but you guys have some great shit to gloat about so this should be easy for you.

Stiletto: Sorry Stiletto...another "tag" for you...but consider this one a "love tap" so to speak...plus it'll give you an easy blog post if you don't feel like writing something someday.

And last but not least I want to tag the "Panel of Experts". Why? Because I think their shit is funny. And even if they don't participate in this "meme" so be it...but I just wanted to call attention to how humorous they are!

2007-07-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hill Country: Worth the hype?

Barbeque has been all the rage in the NYC recently due to the success of places like Blue Smoke, Rub, Dinosaur, Daisy May's among many others. Even celebrities are jumping into the pit (so to speak) as Justin Timberlake recently opened a BBQ Joint on the UES penned Southern Hospitality. Another recent arrival came to the Chelsea area via Austin, TX titled Hill Country.

Hill Country is an homage to the old Texas BBQ markets, where patrons belly up to the counter and get their food cut and priced to order. The space itself is very warm and inviting (and spaceous!). Upon walking through the doors you feel like throwing on your Cowboy Boots, 10 gallon hat and favorite flannel shirt (don't forget about spraying on some Stetson cologne).

Warning....side rant coming! Listen people. I know this is Chelsea and the prepsters and hipsters who live here (not all but some) may have some problems identifying what "dressing down" means. Let me put it to you this way. It's BBQ...down and dirty...stuff will spill and splatter...Dress appropriately. Please leave the Prada and the Chanel at home ok? It's a fuckin BBQ joint. Thank you.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about the main reason why you would go to Hill Country besides the cool, laid back atmosphere: the food.

I went for the first time about a month ago with a large group of peeps. I was beyond anxious to try it out being a BBQ afficionado and upon hearing heaps and heaps of glorious review. Being that I normally overorder anyway, I found myself racking up the dollars pretty quickly as Bridget & I seemingly decided to try just about everything on the menu.

At the meat station we got a rack of ribs, a 1/2 Grilled Market chicken, a Beer Can Game Hen (which I was most excited to try), and a few slices of lean brisket. The food gets weighed by the pound and slapped onto some good ole brown butcher's paper and wrapped up in a ball. I admire the no-frills, pay by the pound bit and the fact that I don't have to worry about breaking a dish is even better for me! We next hit the sides stations and got a "Feed yer Family" side of Mac & Cheese and some Green Beean Casserole. Of course the meal wasn't complete until we added the slices of thick white bread to go along with the meats and sides.

We sat downstairs since we had a group of 10 and got a long table to share. Waitresses take drink orders and how could you have Texas BBQ without the Lonestar! With Lonestar in hand and a palette of food on paper in front of me I was happier than a pig in shit (no offense to the pig I was about to eat of course).

The chicken, ribs, brisket and toast

I decided to try everything "as-is" to experience the true flavoring of their meats without drenching it in any of the BBQ sauces on the table. Since I had a lot of food to sample in front of me, I'll base my review by item of food.

I first tried the ribs. Now granted please take this with a grain of salt, but I'm not a dry-rub kinda guy. I like sweet, tangy, spicy or any other type of "wet rib", the kind that falls off the bone and has you licking your lips and fingers all day and night to try to get all of the sauce you can. So with that said I wasn't a huge fan of the spicing on the ribs. I guess if you're a dry rub person that's how you like em. But spice aside, the ribs were a little tough to chew and slightly dry. Again...I know it's supposed to be dry...but the meat should still be a little sweet and tender. This rib was just a notch below tender.

Next up was the lean brisket. The brisket was soft and easy to cut through. The meat was tasty and flavorful. Obviously the moist brisket would have had more fat and thus more "softness" to it, but all in all the brisket was decent. It needed some help from the array of BBQ sauces at the table to bring it up to "good" status. But definitely a notch above the ribs for me.

Then I decided to go for what I came here for in the first place. The beer can game hen. Being that I love to make cornish hen's in my oven and have somewhat perfected the art of making them, I was expecting BIG things from the hen. Especially being that it was beer can flavored, how can you not be stoked. Well I was immediately discouraged when the skin wasn't crispy but soft and not really chewable. I love crispy skin. Not saying it had to be fried, but there's something about a crispy skin that adds to the flavor to the meat. This was like peeling back tissue paper. I cut into the meat. It was definitely cooked well but it was bland in flavor. The bites weren't memorable and there certainly wasn't any hints of beer flavoring in the meat (nor on the skin). I think the soft skin pretty much let the flavor evaporate out of the bird (a seared skin locks the flavors and moisture of a meat in) and left it a dry, bland mess. In fact I'd even argue that they didn't use a beer can to cook the hen in the first place (which I'm sure I'm completely on point about being that the hen came out of a giant bin of hens). I was completely disappointed. And quite frankly pissed off being that this was the one thing I looked most forward too.

The "beer can" game hen, side of mac & cheese and green bean casserole

Eager to get my excitement and my appetite back I ripped into the sides. The mac & cheese was flavorful and the macaroni was soft and chewy. Cheese was abundant throughout, but very rich, to the point where you feel the arteries tightening a bit with each bite. But not enough to stop you from shoving forkful after forkful into your mouth. The green bean casserole was exceptionally good, and the fried onions helped give the green beans a nice added crunch and saltiness. I was definitely a fan of the green beans (even if it's the "low food on the totem pole" at a BBQ joint.

Last up to sample was the market chicken. The chicken was moist and tender and very flavorful (MUCH more so than the hen). Each bite of the breast was tender both with and without the skin. However once you get down closer to the bone the meat was almost too tender and a little pink. Not to the point of being undercooked, but to the point of too tender to really eat. So that was kind of a drag being that their was so much flavor in the chicken I would have gleefully lifted up the carcass and ripped away at the tender meat that is normally around the bone.

I mean I know its hard to cook up thousands of pounds of meat a day. I really do. And it's next to impossible to keep your eye on everything you cook. But if you're cooking something in a "slow and low heat" based environment you have to realize that stuff will take longer to cook, especially with vast amounts of food in the steamers at the same time. But with poulty you need to be even more careful about what you're serving up to your guests. So while I'm not saying the food was raw...they should probably fine tune their methods just a bit to ensure that the entire chicken is cooked through and not just the breast. Or just chop the bird and serve just the breast this way you won't have to have someone staring at a pinkish piece of meat deciding whether or not to eat it or not.

Anyway after plowing through my plentiful bounty I sat back and evaluated the damage. There wasn't much left on my paper, just some uneaten hen and the not eatable carcass of the chicken. I chewed down my white toast with another Lonestar to "cleanse the palette" for dessert. That and I really was hoping something would save my experience at Hill Country because it was a tad disappointing at this point.

The PB&J cupcake (back), the pecan pie and the Blue Hill icecream

Lo and behold dessert came through in the clutch! The PB&J cupcake was probably the best cupcake I've had in years (or have ever had period). The jelly was sweet and balanced out the peanut butter frosting perfectly. Add the reese's pieces on top and it was like having your first peanut butter & jelly sandwich all over again! The pecan pie was definitely good (served room temperature) and the pecans were nice and crunchy compared to the tartness of the pie. When you threw a little vanilla Blue Bell ice cream up on that bitch it definitely brought it on home! Blue Bell, served in a little dixie cup, is a creamy and sweet version of homemade ice cream from Texas. Blue Bell is actually celebrating their 100th anniversary this year with a tour across the south sampling their flavors and celebrating their heritage. It's a damn shame they won't be coming up north of the mason-dixon line because I'd love to spend a few hours in that truck!

All in all Bridget and I spent upwards of $100 between the two of us and left Hill Country disgustingly full. For me I left with a twinge of disappointment in my mouth, albeit I was grinning ear to ear thanks to dessert. The reviews on my table were mixed, with some saying they loved it and others somewhat underwhelmed like I was. I did see some people from Texas I knew there so I know the place is pretty legit on trying to recreate the Texas BBQ market experience. From an atmosphere and serving standpoint that is point on (I could see the live music they have on occassion definitely helping to add to that experience).

Overall, the sides and dessert were definitely good (the dessert more so than the sides). The meats, which is what BBQ is all about, were hit or miss. I've definitely had better BBQ in NYC (Daisy May's, Dinosaur among others) and I've definitely had worse, but I would say my first visit was about average. I left full and slightly unsatisfied and overall I'd have to say based on my first visit, all the hype may have been just a bit overrated. I'm sure thousands will disagree with my review and call me every name in the book. But since the place is continuing to drum up the hype, I did have the opportunity to make a second visit just last week for some lunch with co-workers. Did my feelings change any or would I continue to be underwhelmed? Well unfortunately I made myself really hungry talking about BBQ so you'll have to log on tomorrow to find that out!

Y'all come back now - ya hear?

2007-07-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

Excuse me sir...

I think your pants are falling off your ass.

What? They're meant to be that way? Well I'll be damned. Kids these days and their wacky fashions.

Speaking of wacky fashion...what's the deal with gladiator sandals? Seriously.

I mean the pair above costs $1,200! All for what? Unless you're starring in the next sequel of Gladiator or vacationing in Rome during the time of the Roman Empire, I see no reason why this should be in style. Let alone paying over a grand for them. What's the difference between that shoe and sticking your foot in a slinky?

Sticking your foot in a slinky would be a lot more affordable and just as stylish. Maybe it's just me...but paying over $1,000 for some cheap metal wrapped around your leg isn't that appealing. I mean Lindsay Lohan had some pretty mean metal wrapped around her ankle and look where it got her: a one way ticket to federal "pound me in the ass" prison. Maybe the female visitors to this blog could enlighten me a bit on this current fashion trend?