Pizza Pizza

So our friends at the ACLU (that would be the Ass Clowns Leaveusthefuckalone Union) are at it again. This time they've produced a very tongue-in-cheek example of what ordering pizza could be like in the year 2010. (click link or image to play)



Basically the guy calls up his local pizzeria, the Pizza Palace, and they have his whole history on file, including his health conditions (among them impotence - very funny ACLU) and a warning from his insurance provider that the Double Meat Special pizza he wants is bad for him and thus he'll have to pay an extra "Health Surcharge" for his pies.

Now while this is meant to be nothing more than a "holy shit, let's stop this from happening now" fluff piece from our favorite Asshole Cleaning Lickers Union, it could very well happen in the not so distant future. Especially if that whole "GoogleZon" idea ever comes to fruition.

But for now, take heart that invasion of privacy such like this is probably way down the road. So don't listen to what the "We do more harm in the world than good" cocksuckers have to say.

In fact we should concentrate on more important things than trying to find "civil liberties" for humankind. Like, for example, eliminating the sounds of farts in public. Now THAT'S something we can all get 'behind' right?

Well now we can. All we need to do is purchase some Toot Tones and all of our pesky fart noises would turn into cheerful, harmless cell phone rings!



Now all we need to do is find a way to turn our 'gas emissions' into some sort of usable environmentally friendly substance that could fuel our automobiles. Now that would be extemely practicable! Just think, when you can say "I have enough gas in me to get me to Pittsburgh", you could really mean it!

Jaws of Life

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph


Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

Are you 'shitting' me

So thanks to John for this 'scoop' today.

Apparently there's a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff's office warning of a new drug called "Jenkem".

This drug is "a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past".

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), "the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995."

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.



The Smoking Gun hasn't found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Actually it's been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can't really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn't put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it's doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

WTF??? is right!!!

Umm...so...once again Ration Reality will be supplying the video fun for this Friday (mainly because I have to jet to the airport in an hour for a flight to Austin....Texas...not Massachussetts). That and I laughed pretty much an hour straight after watching them so it unfortunately sapped all of the humor from me. Thanks alot guys.

Today's video installment comes courtesy of our neighbors from the north, who apparently have raised the bar for commercials which blatently cross the line between...well let's just say these commercials would never fly in the good ole prudish U S of A.

The series of commercials are for convenience store beverages from a chain store called Mac's. They are branding this drink called WTF which is supposed to be short for What's the Flavour? But clearly the WTF is not purely coincidence, considering they also have a slogan that was OMFG which stands for Oh My Froster's Gone.

I must say nicely done by the Canadians. Way to take advantage of this acronym language society we've become over the years. Before I give away too much of the plot, here are some snapshots from the commercials:


Two girls getting a giant tree of liquid "off"


A girl licking a "berry flavored" zit


A man giving birth to an egg filled with juice


A bloody attack that rivals Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding

And finally my favorite...


A robot who fucks a pommelhorse to produce juice

You can go here to view these video clips in all their glory.

I mean...talk about some fucked up marketing approaches! Could you imagine 7-11 going this route for promoting their Slurpies? Or maybe the next reincarnation of Slush Puppies for 'adults' where a girl is 'redrocketing' a puppie to produce the flavors for the slush puppie?


Slush Puppies new marketing campaign could be entitled "LOL" - short for Lick our liquids.

I mean the possibilities are endless! Although I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere Sonic is producing a whole line of drinks labeled LMAO or some other acronym that is overly used this days.

Anyway, I'm off to Austin for faithful reader Rich's bachelor party. Assuming my liver doesn't explode I'll be back for more fun on Monday. Enjoy your weekend!

What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.



Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.



I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

Big Pimpin

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Apparently our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.



Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: "If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?".



I love the quote from Lipton: "We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

What they didn't tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a "Well played Mr. Lipton".

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed.

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton takes a puff of a pipe as he admires said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: "If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be".

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: "I would be a beav-ah... Monsieur".

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) "Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played."

End scene.

Obviously if you've never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won't find any of this funny. If you haven't seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations ever:



Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.



Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

No hugging zone



So another zone has adopted a hugging ban. This time the principal of a Oak Hill, IL middle school has placed a ban on hugging in the hallways.

Principal Victoria Sharts of Oak Park's Percy Julian Middle School is quoted saying, "Hugging is really more appropriate for airports or for family reunions than passing and seeing each other every few minutes in the halls."

Sharts is further quoted saying: "Last year we would see maybe as many as 10 students on one side (of the hallway), 10 on the other and then, going in opposite directions, would sort of have a hug line going on and you could see where that would be a problem,"

Sharts also says that "rampant hugging is creating bottle necks in the hallway and making kids late for class...although hugs are supposed to be handshakes from the heart some times they don't seem so innocent. Too long, too close, and usually between boys and girls."



Before I rip into how assassine this principal's comments are, can we just focus on something for a quick second. Is her last name Sharts? As in I just Sharted myself?


Principal Sharts, the anti-hugger

I mean I'm sure she must get bullied non-stop from the children. I'm sure they be like, hey principal, here's some Febreze for your ass. Or how's the skidmarks treating you these days.

No wonder why she's anti-hugging. Poor thing. But just because your name implies that you sharted yourself doesn't mean you have to take it out on other children.

Furthermore since when are hugs "handshakes from the heart"? A hug, by and large, is supposed to be an intimate thing. A handshake by nature is quick and formal. I mean I'm not sure what types of hugs she's gotten but obviously she wasn't one of the more popular kids growing up. Nor was she shown much love from friends and family. Hugging is a sign of flirting and friendship, at least among students. Normally girls hug each other as a sign of friendship like guys slap five. But something girls and guys hug too. I mean you gotta assume some of these kids are already having sex. Isn't that just like one giant hug between body parts?

Needless to say "Ms. Shit for Brains" is none too popular in her school these days. Now that the story is out the shit has really hit the fan for her. With all of the negative attention, I'd hope she gets canned soon. Maybe she'll get the shit end of the stick in this deal. (ok that's enough).

Before I go I need to gripe about something. Why the fuck did Poland Spring make their new bottle caps so hard to open. Seriously. You need a fuckin pair of pliers just to open the top.

I nearly sliced my fingers open and lost two teeth trying to pry the cap off.


The ingenious design of the new Poland Spring bottles

Maybe it's just me, but I've had major problems with them. Then again we all know Poland Spring is made from springs of natural concrete so not sure why I'm drinking that shit anyway.

Kansas City...Kansas City Here I Come

Off to Kansas City this weekend. Actually looking forward to sinking my teeth into some BBQ goodness.



I've had that old Kansas City song stuck in my head all day...you know the one by Wilbert Harrison:

I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

I'll be standing on the corner
On the corner of Twelfth Street and Vine
I'm gonna be standing on the corner
On the corner of Twelfth Street and Vine
With my Kansas City baby
And a bottle of Kansas City wine.

Well I might take a train
I might take a plane, but if I have to walk
I'm gonna get there just the same
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

I'm gonna pack my clothes
Leave at the break of dawn
I'm gonna pack my clothes
Everybody will be sleeping
Nobody will know where I've gone
Cause if I stay in town
I know I'm gonna die.
Gotta find a friendly city
And that's the reason why,
I'm going to Kansas City
Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

Although in my case the "loving" I'm gonna get there is coming courtesy of a huge meaty tender rack...

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You didn't think I was gonna show you a woman's rack did you? Please...this is a family friendly blog! I would NEVER show gratitious pictures of a female's rack...

unless she was holding a rack of her own of course!



Now THAT's a nice rack...(obviously I'm not refering to the girl)

Regardless...for those not fasting this weekend (I'm definitely playing my Catholic Card this weekend)...enjoy your weekend. I know I definitely will!



Soooooeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy!

Let the "War" Begin



So this weekend is Yankees vs Red Sox. While I'm trying to not play too much into the importance of the series for the Yanks playoff hopes, my Boston friends have fired the first shot in the war.

Good ole 'Thos' knows for years how I was complaining Posada never came through in the clutch. Things seem to turn around last May when he got his bell rung by Mark Texeira on a collision at home plate...but postseason wise he hasn't been the most clutch of players.

Realizing this and seeing how popular he is as a player, Boston fans have taken the insult to a higher level (as usual) with their latest t-shirt:



This of course isn't the only disparaging shirt Sawx fans have resorted to recently.



Yankees fans, even for all their crassness at times haven't been able to respond with crude shirts of their own. Why? Well those types of shirts are banned at Yankee Stadium. Yep, for those who forgot they passed that "decency act" at baseball games, so no more insulting tshirts or signs could be brought into the stadium. Nothing like stripping the one thing born and bred new yorkers have ingrained in them from childbirth - the insult.


Shirts like these are now banned in Yankee Stadium

So Yankees have mostly answered with their "Got Rings?" line of shirts touting the overwhelming number of championships the Yankees have won compared to their Boston foes.



Regardless, the series this weekend will be a war. A bloodbath. The Sox haven't won the AL East since 1995, with the Yankees finishing in first every single year since then. While the Sox have a nice 5 game lead over the Yanks, Sox fans won't rest assured until they win a few more from the Yankees. A Yankees sweep would be a heartbreaking ordeal for Sox fans this weekend, even though they still would be a few games above the Yanks in first.

Anyway, more importantly today is the big Cannoli eating competition down in Little Italy.

Those who know me know I'm a cannoli addict. It's my single most favorite dessert of all time. I could eat them by the dozens. While I'm far off from competing at the lighting speed as the IFOCE eaters do...I'll be keeping my eye open for the results.

My boy Crazy Legs is vying for the title (I saw him "warming" up on the news this am, eating 3 cannolis in 45 seconds). The world record is 26 cannolis in 6 minutes, which is shared by Cookie Jarvis (2005) and Tim "Eater X" Janus (2006).



Good luck to all the competitors today...the next round of milk is on me!

Everyone loves my giant peter

So on this "show and tell" Friday I figured I show everyone my giant peter!

Everyone who walks by my desk stops to play with my peter. They make it talk and laugh. They turn it on and off. One co-worker (who will remain anonymous for fear of nasty office rumors spreading) said as he walked by my cube: "I LOVE your giant peter!".

I guess I'm flattered. I mean I know I just got my giant peter a few days ago but had I known it would have been this popular I would have 'sprung' for one a long time ago!

(WAIT JUST A MINUTE - was that a 'funny' I just made! LOOK OUT...I think I'm feeling funny again!!! FINALLY! About fuckin time. Who's bringing funny back? Yeah!)

Anyway I guess I should share my giant peter with the rest of you.

So without further adieu here he is...live and in the flesh...my giant peter.


Wait for it.



Wait for it.






Cue Peter Griffin laugh.

What a "turd"!

WARNING...EXTREMELY DISTURBING CONTENT COMING UP. PLEASE DON'T READ NOR BE OFFENDED IF YOU DO READ. JUST WARNING YOU NOW. THANK YOU.




So they are doing construction in our office right now and we're packing up and moving downstairs. Half the floor has moved already so it's just our half that's left. So last night I figured I'd use the bathroom on the empty side of the floor since I had to do my "duty".

Well imagine my surprise when I walk into the bathroom and immediately am greeted by a foul and unpleasant order (obscure Seinfeld reference for you there, 100 points if you can guess the scene). I walk past one of the stalls and see this large black piece of shit "drydocked" in the toilet (meaning above the waterline for those who need a visual). The water was yellow and apparently whoever left behind their mess didn't bother to flush.

It was disgusting and appalling. I nearly threw up and turned to leave immediately. But then of course the blogger in me kicked in so I decided to share with you how disgusting this was.



I held my nose as I took the picture on my cell phone and ran out of there as fast as possible. Suddenly my urge to go was completely gone. The craziest part was how whoever took the shit got it to come out of their ass sideways? Seriously...that's fucking crazy. And how they managed to get it drydocked is beyond me. Actually there is some traces of shit on the bowl so they literally must have been forward in the seat.

I wonder what this guy could've eaten to create such a thick and dense piece of shit? I mean it must've hurt like hell trying to push that through. Well, I may have found my answer. Walking back around the office, I saw a few boxes of food on a shelf.



Yep...the Thunderhead Venison Stew would probably explain it.

Anyway, I debated sharing this with y'all given how gross it really was. A picture doesn't do it justice. But since I've never been one not to share such stories with my dearest and closest friends, consider this my gift to you.

No need to say thanks.

Anyway, I'm off to Michigan for the weekend for a work event. Enjoy your weekend and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Putting the "bath" in bathroom

Not sure what the hell is going on, but every afternoon I step into the bathroom and there's a giant pool of water on the ground.



It's ridiculous. You have to jump over 4 feet of water just to get to the urinals or stalls. It appears to be water and not urine, thank goodness, but still...either someone takes a bath in the sinks (or toilets) everyday or we have some problems with leaky pipes.

The worst is when you're not ready for it and you take a step and water goes splashing all over your clothes. One day I had water up the front of my pants and it made it look like I pissed myself or had tremendous leakage. You know, when you don't "shake the snake" enough and you tuck him back into to your underwear only to find out there was still some squirts left. Next thing you know you have leakage in your pants and a trail of wetdots down the front of your pants.

What? That doesn't happen to you? Lucky bastard. I've recently resorted to shaking about 5 or 6 times before putting the hose away. I mean you could always blame it on the water that flies from your hands after you wash them (another thing that often happens that makes it look like you pissed your pants!).

Anyway, next time I step into the bathroom here I may have to wear waders. And maybe bring a kayak too.

End of innocence

So apparently our beloved Mr. Softee was delivering tasty treats of a different kind in Queens. Mr. Softee driver Jermaine Jordan was recently busted for dealing pot and cocaine out of his Mr. Softee truck.

"People would approach and place their order," a police source said. "The bottom of their cup would contain their purchase, either cocaine or marijuana."

Sweet. But what about those people who purchased a cone? Were the sprinkles laced with coke? Was the vanilla and chocolate twist soft serve laced with some good ole homegrown pot?



So I guess only those who purchased their ice cream in a cup were lucky enough to get the drugs. That's the biggest form of discrimination I've seen in years. I'm a cone guy through and through. Waffle or sugar. Doesn't matter. Who could resist the crunch of a cone while you're biting into some soft ice cream. But why would you discriminate against us when you're dealing out your leafy and powdery goodness?

Of course I'm kidding about the cocaine though...although pot I wouldn't turn down. I mean if it's being offered and all. Especially Mr. Softee pot. The street value on that shit is off the hook.


Mr. Softee, serving the best pot for 50 years

Of course it was a quick birth

Ok...so as many already know the well famed Duggar family of Arkansas recently welcomed their 17th child into this world. The child, Jennifer Danielle, became the 18th J named member of the Duggar clan (counting Jim Bob - the father).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070803/ap_on_fe_st/17_kids;_ylt=AjNyu7n7mYmX65zF0ZRJCVbtiBIF

Now, you already know how I feel about this family based on a previous post. So needless to say I'm pretty impartial about the family values that the Duggar clan employs. While I'm not here to judge, I think it does smack of a religious cult, and many of you have agreed with me on that fact.

Since the Duggar's have no plan of stopping, I guess there's nothing to do but sit back and just watch the family grow like some unwanted weeds.

I think the funniest part of the recent birth was the mother, Michelle (who is the only non J-named person in the family) who said quote: "It actually went fast...I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes."

Gee...I wonder why the birth went so fast? Could it be that your birth canal is well accustomed to passing through children at this point. I mean it's like a fuckin slip n slide right now. The fetus forms, waits a few months, sees the light and then just slides right out.


Re-enactment of Duggar clan birth

I'm not even gonna ask how sex is like. How can there be any traction on the tires at this point? Some of you have broken out the Stewie Griffin "it's like throwing a pencil down the hallway" line. Either way, good ole Jim Bob must be hung like a horse to fit in.

Michelle's been pregnant about 10 1/2 years of her life already and she's birthed 18 children. Although she's got a ton of work to do if she wants to catch the world record. According to several sources:

"The greatest number of children produced by a mother in an independently attested case is 69 by the first wife of Fyodor Vassilet (1816-72) a peasant of the Moscow Jurisdiction, Russia, who in 27 confinements, gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. Most of the children attained their majority. Mme. Vassilet became so renowned that she was presented at the court of Czar Alexander II."

So to reach this magic "69" number (ironic isn't it), she would have to have another 52 children! If that's her ambition she needs to start spitting out some quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets and even octuplets. Better start taking some fertility pills Michelle...because what's the sense of having 20 something children if it's not even close to being a record.

Excuse me miss, you dropped your tampons

Actually, that’s the second time in my life I’ve seen someone drop their tampons.

The first time was at a duane reade about 12 years ago. A lady dropped a box of tampons on the ground as she was juggling her other feminine products in her hands. I noticed her struggling and kindly picked up her tampons for her and handed them to her. She was a bit embarrassed, but i was young and didn’t really care. She was actually really pretty, which is one of the reasons why I picked them up for her (I know, I know…typical man!) But hey I was 18 years old and just being curteous. My momma didn’t raise no fool!

The second time was decidedly a more embarrassing situation. I was waiting for an uptown 2/3 train at 34th street last night and there was this girl who was
a bit disheveled.

She bent over and out of her overnight bag fell out a single tampon. At first she didn’t see said tampon fall to the ground. Another lady pointed to the ground behind her and she noticed. The girl who dropped the tampon looked at it and was immediately embarrassed. She waived her hand at it and said she didn’t need it.

Then a few seconds later after she was beat red, she paced around staring at it and started crying. Then she walked away quickly in embarrassment. I didn’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for the chic. I looked at the woman who originally pointed out the tampon to the girl and she just shrugged her shoulders with a slight smirk.

I mean at some point the girl should have just picked up the tampon. No one around her really cared. I didn’t even pay her much attention. Although I could see where it would be embarrassing. I dropped my dildo once on a crowded subway platform. Everyone saw. And laughed. And pointed at me and called me names like Dildo boy. So what if I pissed my pants on the spot. I picked up my dildo, placed it back in my bag and continued on with my day. But this girl…she panicked…and cried…and ran. Poor thing. Maybe she was French!

Anyway, right as the train was coming I took a picture of said tampon and then hopped on the train. Although I’m sure some asshole probably reported a “suspicious package” on the subway platform.


Is that a suspicious package, or just a tampon?

Could you imagine. The SWAT team comes out. The white gloved bomb squad comes in.

“What is it sir”?

“I’m not sure, it’s some foreign torpedo like device. (looking through x-ray scope). Oh my god…run away…it has wings!”

Yeah, I’m sure it’ll go down exactly like that. Either that or someone will have just gone about their commute home and found themselves a tampon. Call it their lucky day! Some people find pennies. Some find tampons. You know, you can get a pretty penny on the street for a tampon…especially the unused ones!

What I've Learned

So I've learned a lot over the past 199 posts. I've learned that I enjoy blogging...and each day that I can't post an update I'm extremely saddened (thus this would qualify as being one of the saddest weeks of my blogging life as far as that is concerned). But hey, since I'm not being paid to blog (at least not yet anyway), I have to "pay the bills" with my full time job, so no shit about the lack of updates this week, ok? Good.

But over the past 199 posts I've learned that I have the uncanny ability to sometimes make people laugh and spit food out of their nose. Also I've learned that I have the ability to disgust people thoroughly with my sometimes "adult content" and "bathroom humor". I've also undoubtedly led some to permanently boycott my blog thanks to some crude and outlandish behavior. But hey, I'm a Brooklyn born and raised'er...who said I wasn't supposed to be crude and outlandish.

I've also learned that there are a lot of funny and talented people in the world. I know I haven't even scratched the surface of all the talented bloggers out there, but special thanks to the friends I've made over the past year in this little community of ours. You guys are truly an inspiration to keep writing and provide content that hopefully exlicits a few chuckles or a hearty guffaw.

But enough of the sentimental bullshit. You read me to laugh. I'm a humor blog. Much like the much ballyhooed Angry German kid of YouTube lore, you throw temper tantrums if I'm not funny.



So without further adieu, here is the "200th What Pushes My Buttons post"! (cheers, yells, whistles!)

A few things came to mind when I heard that a steampipe had exploded by Grand Central. Knowing the magnitude of the event was pretty serious and people were injured and businesses were disrupted, I couldn't help but to make a few "puns" while downing beer after beer in the airport bar last night waiting out a 5 hour plane delay (drum roll please):

I didn't know they turned Lexington Avenue into "Steampipe Alley"!

Looks like today is a real "steam bath".

New York City has just changed their official marketing song from "I Love New York" to "We've got 'Steam Heat'"

Ok...that's enough. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all night. Try the veal.

But seriously it was a scary situation for all those involved. Undoubtedly the tickle in my throat today is due to some airborne asbestos floating around.


I think I'm getting the "black lung"

A few of you have asked me if I'm giving away any "presents" for my 200th blog celebration. Well frankly that's not in the budget yet...BUT what I do want to give you is...



My dick in a box! Enjoy!

Books of Enrichment

Before I lead you to some reading material that will undoubtedly enrich your mind (and other body parts), I'm taking the elevator up to work this am and these two white guys get on. They start talking about Kobayashi and how he can't compete because of his hurt jaw. They called him a pussy and said what did he, pull his ACL or something.

Listen jackass. A competitive eater kinda needs his/her jaw to compete, don'cha think? So it is like pulling an ACL. Why don't you think before you speak you fuckin moron. You know what, let me punch you in the jaw a few times and let me see how good you do trying to eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Asshole.

Anyway, saw this list of recommended reading material (ok maybe it wasn't as much recommended as it was listed) over at RationReality.com. Pretty good stuff. This list of books include:

White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners


White Trash Etiquette contains everything you need to know to live like decent trash, including:

• The proper way to fake a back injury
• How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions
• The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities
• How to improve your drunk-driving skills
• Sound advice on everything from lying to your boss to making your next convenience-store robbery fun for the whole family

There’s also troubleshooting for troublemakers:

• I'm getting married; can I still wear white if I'm a tramp?
• Can chicks ever really respect an accountant?
• How do I pick a good bail bondsman?
• How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant?

The Art of Auto-fellatio: Oral Sex for One


The ultimate in safe sex -- self-performed oral pleasure at any hour of the day! If you've ever dreamed about this practice, this book can make your fantasy a reality. Packed with photos, advice, stories and training tips by men who know what they're doing!

Forgive the hype: this is also a serious examination of the history (through a variety of reports) and application of self-performed oral sex. It's both a fascinating examination of social perceptions and cultural mores, and a guide to specifics.

Other notable books on the list include:
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide
Forensics for Dummies

Good stuff! And you can buy all these books on Amazon.com! Although the whole "Art of Auto-Fellatio thing" i'm not so sure about. I lack the inner-core strength needed to bend completely over. Plus I'm not too sure about giving myself "fellatio". I kinda think Rosie Palm and her five friends would get a little jealous. Although maybe if I got really really drunk one night and my hands fell asleep or weren't working right then I'd consider trying to go down on myself if I needed to fulfill an urge.

Wait. WHAT AM I SAYING??? I know there's that saying oh, if you could give yourself a blow job you'd never need a girl or never leave the house or something to that effect. But when you think about it would you really do it? I mean, then you have to worry about choking on your own pubes. What happens when it's time to cum??? Do you let it fly or do you swallow? Didn't think about that one did you? And what happens when you get into a fight with yourself? Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore? If someone tells you to go "suck a dick" would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?

Yeah...so needless to say I won't be sucking my own dick until these questions are answered. If someone buys the book feel free to let me know if any of those questions are addressed please. Enquiring minds want to know!

Wide World of Search

So occasionally I like to peer behind the scenes and see what articles are generating the most traffic on my blog. Thanks to some nifty Wordpress tools, I can see not only track which posts are read most often, but I can also see what search engine terms people use to find my blog (I don’t know who is visiting my blog but in some instances I’d rather not know – as you’ll see in a bit). I know most of you are regular readers out there, but there’s a good chunk of visitors that stumble upon What Pushes My Buttons randomly thanks to search engines like Google and Yahoo.

You would think most people would find WPMB by searching for terms included in my more popular posts, like the best songs to sing in the shower and pedestrian violations. A lot of people find my blog by searching for “fattening foods” or high sodium foods, which takes them to my posting on “If the food is so bad for you then why are there no fat Chinese people.” Others may find me through my often random references, like my commentary on the WWF Ice Cream Bar, Rachel Ray or the hookers in hunts point featured on HBO.

However I do get some visitors thanks for random search terms. How they get to WPMB I don’t know, but here are some of the funnier (or disturbing) search terms used that ultimately led to my blog, with my comments added in:

Search terms: Funny boss killing games, Killing someone with your pinky, Killing game with saw

Yes there are such people out there that search for these things. Disturbing? Maybe. But they ultimately got my blog through the Time “Killing” Game of the Day post.

Search terms: getting teabagged pictures, naked gyms, naked workouts.

Obviously some people like working out in the nude…but looking for pictures of people getting teabagged? Yeah…no comment. They got to WPMB through the Do you work out in the nude posting

Search terms: Ass explosion, shit on a seat.

This is getting more and more disturbing by the second. Although I can see why they found us, especially with posts like That ain’t right

Search term: hasidic hookers.

Why someone would search for a Hasidic hooker is beyond me. Don’t even know where to look for that reference.

Search term: Cock.

Yep…cock. How they came here looking for cock I don’t know (or why they are looking for cock in the first place). But that pretty much takes the cake.

Anyway, I had an interesting weekend in the Catskills “fishing” – if you can call what I did fishing…I’ll have that story for you shortly.

“Disturb”ia

Erica Reiner (soon to be Williams) sent me this link yesterday and she said she was too disturbed to look at it.

The website is: http://www.fat-man.org

Of course nothing is too disturbing for me so I took a gander. Egads! Here’s what the guy says on his site:

Hello, and welcome to my website. My name is Chris but you can refer to me as Fat Man! This site is designed to showcase my supreme fatness. Below are videos you can watch showcasing my supreme fatness! Enjoy



I’m disturbed in the fact that I share the same name as "Fat Man". But anyone who says they "showcase their supreme fatness" is ok in my book.

To avoid grossing some of you out I won’t post the videos here. Although here are some of the captions of his videos so you get a feel of what you’re in for:

Here is a video of me improving my supreme fatness by eating chips and drinking beer!

Here is a video of me eating 10 hot dogs in just a few minutes!

Here is a video of me eating a pack of cookies even though I have diabetes!

Here is a video of me eating 9 delicious Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts!

In this video I store some Hot Pockets underneath my breast for later consumption!

Ok ok...that’s enough. You know what...I can’t resist.

Here’s the Hot Pockets video:



And here’s the hot dog video:



I was expecting Harry Carey to come into the room and say "hey,if you were a hot dog and you were starving would you eat yourself?"



Although in Fat Man's case you know the answer would definitely be a resounding Marv Albert Yes!

But this kid is definitely disturbed. You can tell by watching the videos. I started out by laughing but then became just plain frightened for him. Especially eating all these sweets when he has diabetes. I love the fact that he’s like "watch me drink soda and eat cookies even though I’m about to drop dead due to diabetes". That’s like David Blaine or Criss Angel saying "watch me fall from the Empire State Building, hurdling to the ground below without a harness!" One of the comments on YouTube was "I think he’s dead cause he hasn’t posted a new video in weeks". Yikes!

I hope you’re still alive Fat Man. Because you’re an inspiration to us all!