What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.



Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.



I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

Wear it loud...wear it proud!

There's a shirt I've been looking for recently after watching a documentary on the Brooklyn Dodgers. It's an old "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" shirt. It had the Dodgers logo and was given to fans back in the 50s as a rallying cry to keep the Dodgers from moving from Brooklyn to L.A.

John found a replica of the shirt from this company called No Mas.



While it wasn't the shirt I was looking for, it is based on an authentic shirt that fans used to wear back then:



The website had a ton of other really random, cool t-shirts.

Here's a few of them I personally love:

The Amazing Mess


Even though the shirt is referring to the 86 Mets, I think it's quite appropriate given this year's collapse!


Tecmo Bo

Who can forget Tecmo Bo and he unstoppable hijinks in Tecmo Bowl! If you need a reminder on how good Bo was in Tecmo Bowl, here's a reminder for you (click to play).


Rated Rookie


Donruss' Rated Rookie cards were a hot commodity back in the days. I know I jumped for joy when I found a McGwire rated rookie in a pack of Donruss.

For those who don't remember what the cards looked like, here's an example:



Btw, is it just me or does Greg Maddux look strikingly (get it - he's a pitcher - strikingly - I'm a fuckin genius!) like Pedro in that picture?



Strawberry


Love the sarcasm of the whole "say no to drugs" and Strawberry angle. If only the picture had him AND Doc Gooden leaning against a "Coke" vending machine. Now that would be classic!

Although I think this picture would more exemplify a "Say No to Drugs" campaign!



And to think all three of those guys were the biggest stars in the heydays. How the mighty fall sometimes:

Return of the "Mac"

Ok, so technically it's not return of 'the' Mac, but when I saw that the folks at Commodore are itching for a comeback, the Mark Morrison "Return of the Mac" song popped into my head.

Apparently Commodore is "resurrecting" itself in hopes to jump back into the PC gaming market.

http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/business/scn-sa-eyeonbiz1sep05,0,2648046.story?track=rss

Personally I hope they stay as low end as possible with their graphics. I know I'd much rather play some old school Dr. J vs Larry Bird then play some futuristic crap game like Halo.


It's hard to top the graphics and game play of Dr. J vs Larry Bird for the Commodore

That and they should go old school with their computer processors too. I'm really sick of new age Windows crashing every other day or other problems that happen with our PC's these days.

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Side note: speaking of crashes. I saw this nasty accident the other day. Happened and unfolded right in front of my eyes. Traffic was stopped at a green light as a Firetruck was approaching the intersection with its lights on and sirens blaring. Everyone was still so the firetruck proceeded through the intersection. Suddenly this Escalade decides to make a dash for it and ends up getting T-boned by the fire truck that was accelerating. The Escalade did a few 360s and smashed into a telephone pole, with one of its tires ending up down the street. I took some pics of the carnage:





The driver of the firetruck suffered minor injuries as did the drive of the Escalade. As one of the few eyewitnesses I stayed behind and gave my testimony of the accident. It was pretty crazy to watch the whole thing unfold. The driver of the Escalade was a 21 year old, and had just got the car last week. Apparently he was on his cell phone and wasn't paying attention.
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Anyway, back in the olden days, the worst thing that could happen to you was your floppy disk broke. Otherwise, the computer was your canvas, and you could run scripts and draw designs at will (who could forget the old Turtle drawer or the old number formatting system. I spent hours as a child playing around with the old Turtle Logo drawer).



I'm probably the only one who longs for the olden days of video games. Then again you're talking about a guy who would rather plug in his Nintendo rather than an XBox360.

More to come later...including why everyone is telling me they love my giant 'peter'.

Some Like It Hot

I like it not.

Seriously...it's a wicked scorcher out there (as my friends from Beantown would say). This morning's commute was ridiculous as none of the subways were running and the lines for the buses stretched longer than most lines for American Idol auditions. So being a crafty Harlemite, I walked my way up to the Metro North stop at 125th and hopped on a train coming downtown. Not only was it nice and airconditioned, I didn't have to pay a dime. Although after walking 20 blocks to the Metro North in the swamp that they called air this morning, and after walking another 10 blocks to my office after the train ride, my shirt had stretched out beyond all belief. It looks more like a nightgown rather than a cotton polo shirt. Hence why lunch was eaten at my desk today courtesy of some leftover wonton shop, a peanut butter balance bar I got for free in a promotion yesterday and one of those pre-cooked and breaded Purdue Chicken Cutlets - eaten cold right out of the packaging.


No need to heat these bad boys, just peel the plastic and eat!

Needless to say I'm less than satisfied...although I really don't feel like venturing out into the heat at the moment. The country is baking right now...in fact just looked at the current weather map and there's more red on the map than in Reagan's 1984 presidential win over Mondale.


This might as well be the current weather map for the U.S.

Although I did manage to crack myself up earlier. After the pools of sweat were beginning to bead up on my arms, I started singing "Some Like it Hot" to myself. You know, that song by Power Station (later sung by Robert Palmer) back in the 80s.

Sing along with me now:

Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on...
Some feel the heat and decide that they can't go on...
Some like it hot, but you can't tell how hot 'til you try...
Some like it hot, so let's turn up the heat 'til we fry

Feeeeeeeeeeel the heat.
Pushing you to decide (is that what they really said? huh, never knew that)

Feeeeeeeeel the heat.
Burning you up, ready or not.

Staring Problem

So this morning I'm sitting on the subway reading AM New York and this lady across from me is staring at me. Thinking she may wanna read the paper too I open it up wider and lift it for her so she has a good view. I read an article, glance up and she's still staring at me. Another 60 seconds go by, I dart my eyes up...same thing. Full out stare. And not one of those I'm staring into space stares. This was I'm staring at you intentionally kinda stare.

Then I start thinking. Do I know her from somewhere?

Nope...never seen her before.

Do I have something on my face? Did my goiter grow overnight? Am I showing too much cleavage?

No...no...and perhaps...


Goiter? What Goiter?

But she's still continuing to stare dead ahead at me. And I started to get uncomfortable. She wasn't the most attractive nor skinniest of people. Actually I was getting quite worried that she was eyeing me up as her breakfast. Honestly. She had that cannibalistic look in her eye...the "get in my belly" kinda stare that Fat Bastard had in Austin Powers



Needless to say I buried my head deep into the paper. I noticed no one was sitting next to me anymore but the woman was still there, practically salivating. I could've sworn I saw her place a bib around her neck...then again I didn't have my glasses on so it could've been an ascot...or a necklace...but regardless there was something eerie about this woman.

Thankfully the drama ended when she got off at 42nd street. I breathed a sigh of relief. Cause I didn't feel like being no one's breakfast this morning.

I was so giddy and relieved that I wasn't eaten, I jumped on the set of Soul Train and started dancing.



(That was me with the white pants doing the leg twirl in case you didn't recognize me)

Anyway, it's supposed to be a HOT HOT HOT one this weekend...so make sure you turn up your HOT 103.5 and listen to some Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.

Umm...

Wait...my bad. I thought I was in 1987 for a moment.

Well as Broadway Bill Lee says... "stay calm, kiss your mom, ban the bomb, do the best you can, remember God loves you man"

Not going anywhere for a while...


Grab A Snickers!

Remember those old Snickers commercials, where the person was placed in a precarious position, like hanging in a bear trap and was basically stuck and the voice over announcer would say: "Not going anywhere for a while...grab a Snickers".

Well I'm sure the riders stuck upside down on the X-Coaster on Saturday won't appreciate my humor and rightly so. Could you imagine the blood flowing to your head for 30 straight minutes? I'm just surprised no one passed out while stuck upside down on the ride!

Just looking at this coaster would make me think twice about going on it.


The X-Coaster at Magic Springs

Doesn't exactly look like the world's safest ride does it? According to the theme park's website The X-Coaster "shoots riders 150 feet in the air, flips them upside down and then sends everyone on a 360-degree corkscrew roll at more than 65 miles an hour."

Nice. Sounds innocent enough. Especially during power outages.

This description of the coaster came from one of the park's spokesman (courtesy of the Arkansas Times):

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"This exciting new ride treats our guests to an upside down inversion at 150 feet, the highest in the world. What makes the ride unique is that a technological innovation leaves the riders inverted 150 feet above the ground without shoulder restraints.

When the riders leave the loading platform, they are taken for a vertical ascent of 150 feet, at which point the car performs a thrillingly slow quarter-loop backwards, which has the riders hanging upside-down. Then the riders are sent on a 360-degree corkscrew roll, followed by a plummeting vertical drop at more than 65 miles an hour.

At this point it appears that the riders will return to the starting station, but instead they rocket past the station, stop on the lift hill, drop backwards through the station at high speed, stop upside down and rocket forward through the station again.”



---

Nice. I'm sure the riders who were "inverted 150 feet above the ground without shoulder restraints" appreciated feeling helpless when they were left upside down for 30 minutes. Nothing like hanging upside down by the thread of a lap belt for thirty minutes to make you feel "exhiliarated!"

The Surprise is on Me?!

So yesterday I headed down to Brooklyn for what was supposed to be a surprise welcome home party for my sister who was returning home from her six month stay in London. So imagine my surprise when I peered over the gate and had everyone yell “Surprise!” Thinking it was one of those mistakes or jokes until I looked and saw more of my friends than my sister’s friends. So indeed the surprise party was for me! Shocked I was, especially since my 30th birthday had passed a few weeks back.

Although I think I was able to shock a few of you in my own special way by wearing my "I Eat'M Raw!" Lee & Rick's Oyster Bar t-shirt to a family function. I know, how appropriate for a family function! Although it would have been perfect had their been some oysters or shrimp cocktail for me to devour while wearing the shirt. Maybe next time!


Leave it to me to wear an "I Eat'M Raw!" shirt to my own surprise party

Anyway, thank you to all those who made the trek to Brooklyn to celebrate. Although a big booo for everyone lying to me over the past few weeks and telling me they already had plans this weekend. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

It was the first time, at least that I can remember, that I had a surprise party thrown for me. I mean I’ve had other surprises thrown at me in life, such as showing up to work one day and “surprise – your magazine is closing! Here’s your severance pay. Bye bye now”. Or the one time I went to the doctor’s office and he said “surprise – you’re pregnant!” (ok…maybe I’m making one of them up…bet you can’t guess which one though!). But on the scale of surprises, this was definitely a good one. I was definitely caught off-guard. Unaware. Hoodwinked. Pretty crafty move I may add, especially when the surprise was supposed to be for someone else.

So big thanks to my girlfriend Bridget for gathering my friends together, albeit behind my back. And big thanks to the parents and sisters who put together the festivities and organized the party. And thanks to all my family and friends who took time out of their days to spend the day with me. It was greatly appreciated. And thanks again for everyone reminding me that I’m 30. Much appreciated!

Btw this is one of the few times you’ll see me be sentimental on this blog…so soak it up now while you have the chance!

Pump it up

So taking the subway back from my mom’s house in Brooklyn late last night I spotted something I hadn’t seen in a while. No, not someone taking a piss on the train (although come to think of it I haven’t seen that in a good few months). I saw a pair of Reebok pumps. You know the old school pumps that were all the rage back in the day.


I spy a pair of Reebok Pumps

The guy wearing them was a tall white guy who looked like a cross between Randy Johnson and Tom Hanks, complete with the Randy Johnson half mullet. There was also a lady on the train who looked like Hedda Nussbaum, without the bruises all over her face (ouch - although I think that reference is wayyyy too random for mostly anyone…but me of course!)

Anyway this guy was also wearing some highwater acid washed blue jeans so he obviously just stepped out of 1987. The only thing that could have made him a man of the “double zeros” is some Jovan Sex Appeal!


For those guys who weren't born with "sex appeal"

Cause you know nothing says “sex appeal” like some good ole Jovan Musk. I love the line: "This provocative, stimulating blend of rare spices and herbs was created by man for the sole purpose of attracting woman. At will.”

Rare spices and herbs. Nice...cause you know I've also wanted to smell like ground cumin mixed with oregano and lilacs. Come to think of it, I think I threw away every bottle of Jovan Musk I’ve ever gotten as a present. Or used it to ward off those imaginary vampires I battled as a child. I mean for christ's sake, was that the only cologne that was produced in the 80s? (Along with Stetson for Men or Brut of course). Seriously, the shit smelled like formaldehyde. I think funeral directors used it to embalm corpses. No joke.

I saw this bottle of Jovan Musk "Sex Appeal" at Walmart last weekend - which explains everything of course – because nothing says upscale cologne like a cologne sold at Wal-Mart. I resisted putting on some Sex Appeal lest I want to be followed around Wal-Mart by some lady named Betsy with bad teeth. And wouldn’t you know…right next to the Jovan Musk on the Wal-Mart shelf was – you guessed it – Stetson.



Stetson Black - Finally you too can smell like a mixture of wilting catcus and three day old chewin tobacco

Okay. Okay. I’ll stop with the Wal-Mart cracks and the knocks against Stetson and Jovan Musk. I know there's millions of guys out there who unfortunately wear the shit. Plus last I checked I wasn’t on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and therefore don't qualify to make fun of Rednecks. Although I give Wal-Mart some props - the store does have some damn good values. Mmm…hmm…that’s right child.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy day today as I cram in some last second projects before heading off to London on Thursday night. And suddenly today has become meeting day which hasn’t really helped matters much. In fact off to another 2 hour one right now. Great...thanks Milton. Don't they know I'm busy! I have a meeting with the Bobs'!

Terrible call...just terrible

So last night I was at the Yankees game with Bridget, Paul and Juliana (thanks to Juliana for getting corporate seats for last night’s game that were only 13 rows off the field allowing me to scalp my meager bleacher seats). In typical Yankees fashion they failed to score any runs with runners in scoring position, leaving the bases loaded once and leaving 6 runners in scoring position for the game. Just one hit in that situation would have yielded at least one run – but clutch this team is not.

Anyway, they actually got a decent pitching performance from their rookie starter Matt DeSalvo, who went 7 strong innings, only giving up 1 run on 3 hits (2 of which came in the first inning). Nursing a 2-1 lead in the 8th, Kyle Farnsworth came on to pitch. With two outs, Jose Vidro hit a cheap ground ball up the middle just past the reach of Jeter. Willie Bloomquist came on as a pinch runner for Vidro. What happened next will go down as one of the worst calls in major league history – and I was there to witness it first hand.

Bloomquist tried to steal second. Posada’s throw was on line and Robinson Cano applied the tag in plenty of time to tag out the stealing Bloomquist. However the umpire called him safe.

Safe.

Take a look at this picture.



How many feet was he out by? Three? Four? And he was called safe.

You can view the video recap of the game to see the replays

Granted the game is played at full speed, but still, it was plainly obvious to everyone in the stadium that he was out by a mile. Even using the cardinal rule of “the ball beating the player” would have been excuse enough to call him out. But come on dude that wasn’t a hard one to make. It wasn’t even close to being a “bang bang” play. The umpire, Gerry Davis, flat out blew the call. Mr. Davis will now go down in infamy as making one of the worst umpiring calls in recent memory. Right there along with the infamous Don Denkinger call in game 6 of the 1985 World Series between the Cardinals and the Royals that ultimately cost the Cardinals the game and the series.



There’s also a famous portrait out there that shows an ump making a safe call at first when the player was out by a few feet. It wasn’t a Normal Rockwell, but something similar. Despite searching this “wealth of information” we call the “internet”, alas I can’t find shit on it. But I used to have the damn picture so I know it exists. Maybe I’ll have to dig it up tonight at my parent’s house.

Anyway, back to the game. Much to my surprise, Don Mattingly, who was filling in as manager due to a suspended Joe Torre, didn’t come out to argue the call. Cano hopped away thinking he made the tag but didn’t raise a fuss. The call was that bad it was shocking. But the Yankees lack any fire and passion this season so they didn’t argue the call. If I were them I’d be hopping mad. I’d scream in the umps face. Make him throw me out. But nope, they went along with their “gentlemanly play”. If that was Paul O’Neill out there he would’ve argued until they carried him off with police escorts. Same with Billy Martin or Lou Pinella. But nope…this team has a much passion as a quilting night at a senior citizens home.


You know damn well Zimmer would’ve protested the call last night, helmet and all

Granted, the call was completely terrible, but you got to score more runs than 2, especially with the offense the Yankees have.

But the game will be remembered for the bad call. Even if it’s “only May” and the call was not made in a crucial playoff or World Series game thus it may not get the attention it deserves. But it should. Because it should go down as one of the worst baseball calls of all time.

Thankfully for my own sanity I had the salvation of a Starbucks Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte this morning to put me in a better mood. That, along with an Apple Fritter, made my morning much cheerier thanks to the impending sugar rush that came along with the meal. Oh Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Whipped Cream, how do I love thee, let me count the ways!

Part of a Nutritious Breakfast

Growing up we all saw those “nutritious breakfast” commercials. Where the mother and children are sitting at the kitchen table and the children have a whole smorgasbord of food in front of him to start their day off right. You know the whole “part of a nutritious breakfast” plugs that the cereal companies normally advertised. The ones that contained:

The bowl of cereal

The slice of toast

The scrambled eggs

The glass of OJ

The apple or orange

The occasional slice of bacon

I have to say as I child I tried to have a nutritious breakfast each day before school. Normally it was a bowl of cereal since that was the quickest and easiest. But it wasn’t your healthy cereal, like Corn Flakes or Bran Flakes or Raisin Bran or Chex. Nope, my fat ass wanted the Golden Grahams, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the Crunchberries, the Count Chocula or the Frosted Flakes that were always being advertised. Two scoops of raisins? Wheat and corn double sided Chex? Nigga please. More like 10 scoops of sugar for me. The more sugar, the better! Or if I was running late and needed to run out of the door quickly, the pack of sugar laded Pop Tarts more than did the trick.



Cereals such as Fruit Brute and Post Mortems are all part of your child's nutritious breakfast

On weekends? Well my friends, that was time for cholesterol heaven. My weekend breakfast courtesy of my dad or grandmother was either fried salami and eggs or corned beef hash and eggs or butter laden French toast. All the healthy stuff that sits in your stomach all day never to be digested.


Nothing says healthy breakfast like a side serving of Corned Beef Hash

But these days who has time for healthy and nutritious breakfasts? I mean most of us are on the go, eating whatever is quickest and most convenient. Myself included. My breakfast mostly consists of a deli bought egg & cheese or toasted bialy/bagel. Or if I’m in a rush, the cup of tea and donut/buttered roll from the street vendor. Hardly the breakfast of champions, I know. Hell, even Rachel Ray herself, the queen of the quick meal, now endorses Dunkin Donuts, who basically make a living promoting breakfast on the go.

So the other day I actually got up early enough to make myself a “nutritious” breakfast. Shocking, even for myself. But since I’m the “omelet master” thanks to my days being a short-order cook at a Bagel shop up by Marist, I can whip up breakfast fairly quickly. So I whipped up a one-egg yolk/two egg white omelet (less yolks means less of that cholesterol nonsense everyone’s worried about these days) with cheddar cheese. For my “meat” requirement I sizzled up two slices of South Beach Diet approved Turkey Bacon. And I even was able to add in the quintessential breakfast “must-haves” in the way of Soy Chocolate milk and a healthy glass of OJ.

I could’ve filmed one of those “healthy breakfast” commercials with the meal I whipped up

But unfortunately I eat these types of breakfasts too few and far between. But I take comfort knowing that I’m not alone. I did a Google search this am on nutritious breakfast. And I found some good ones I’d like to share with you today. After all, wasn’t Friday always “show and tell” day at school? Although I think they banned show & tell in my elementary school once one kid pulled down his pants and said this is what my daddy told me to show the girls to impress them. Ok, maybe the kid just pulled down his pants and didn’t say anything. But either way, show & tell was banned ok??? Anyway, here are some delicious breakfast ideas sure to get your day off to a fast moving start!

1. Everything you could ever need to get your day off to a great start. Once you've filled your stomach with eggs, bacon, sausage and the all-important tator tots, then you can move onto the glazed scone, muffins and french toast sticks. This my friends is what breakfast is all about!


2. Stack em high and stack em proud! Nothing says "get me ready for a light day on my feet" more than a short stack of pancakes. Add the extra syrup for a sugar rush and you're ready to pound the pavement!


3. Sunny side up egg, toast, 2 sausage links, 2 slices of bacon. Oh hell yeah - that's breakfast! But wait...don't forget about the grilled tomato, the vegetable puree, the homefries patty and the sauteed mushrooms! Nothing says breakfast like mushrooms!


4. Umm....yeah...not sure where this fits into the traditional American breakfast of carbs and cholesterol. Fruit? That's for wussies! Portion control? What's that? Everything about this breakfast is a big thumbs down. Except for the fish. Besides, what's more quicker and convenient than chewing on a raw fish for breakfast! Plus it fills your daily need for fish oils!


5. Now, that's more like it! Eggs benedict! That quintessential American breakfast. The creamy, fat filled Hollandaise sauce. The indigestion-bearing Canadian Bacon. The poached eggs and English Muffin. Yum-O! Add in a side of home fries and if you must, some melon, and my friends you're ready to take on the world and go shopping for that skin-tight bathing suit for the summer! Make sure to down a few Bloody Mary's before you go so you're extra-skinny when you try on that two-piece or that speedo!

Knee Deep in "SPAM"

Sorry about the delay in posting this am. I’ve been knee deep in “SPAM”. No, not spam e-mail, but the actual product SPAM. You know, as in the canned meat. We’re in the midst of trying to develop a creative idea for SPAM that reaches the crux of our audience (the readers of Field & Stream and Outdoor Life). SPAM has this new single serving pouch that they’re taking to market and will be supporting the launch with an ad campaign this fall.


The new SPAM single serving package

I know most of you are disgusted by SPAM, and truth be told I’m not the biggest fan of it either. As a child, all my father ate were SPAM sandwiches – cold ones at that. He used to tell me all the time I was fortunate that we were able to enjoy and afford warm food like White Castle and KFC for dinner. But on occasion he’d whip up some SPAM sandwiches for me to remind me how fortunate I was. I cringed and protested, but ate them begrudgingly. And with lots of ketchup.

I noticed that the Spanish deli across the street from me has tons of SPAM cans on the shelves, so I know it’s still popular in some hoods. But by and large, for those living in the metropolis areas of NYC, LA, Chicago, etc, SPAM is on the lowest end of the food chain. Some people and some restaurants probably would resort to eating dirt before they ate SPAM. Regardless, in the heartland, SPAM still goes strong.

Actually I found out through a colleague (and SPAM expert – he co-authored the SPAM cookbook) that the Asian community, specifically in the northwest, has taken quite a liking to SPAM. Maybe it’s because of its “tofu-like” texture, or the fact that like most Asian cuisine, SPAM contains ridiculous amounts of sodium. In fact, this single serving package I have on my desk has 730 mg (or 30% of your daily allowance) of sodium. Actually out of the 210 calories contained in this 3 oz. serving, a whopping 140 calories of fat. Ouch. However it is a “low-carb snack” (only 2g of carbs) and does contain 14 g of protein and 4% of your necessary iron for the day. So it’s not that bad for you (unless you’re watching your cholestoral of course).

Although I’ll give Hormel (the parent company) their due. They have come up with an easy and convenient way to eat SPAM on the go. Much like the tuna manufacturers have developed easy-tear pouches for tuna, the SPAM single serving is great for those in need of a quick, portable snack. Actually SPAM lists a whole “SPAM Idea O’ Wheel” of ways to eat your SPAM single. The ideas include a SPAM Egg & Cheese on a muffin, a SPAM mac & cheese, a “SPAMburger” and even a SPAM necklace. Although they recommend using the package to make a necklace, not the actual piece of SPAM to make the necklace. Although if you’re ever in the mood to get mauled by a dog or a pack of hungry wolves, then by all means make yourself a SPAM necklace.

Anyway I’m gonna get back to creative thoughts about SPAM. We have an idea centered around the annual SPAMARAMA event in Austin, Texas. Next year is the 30th anniversary of the event so we’re thinking one lucky winner can win a trip down to “SPAM heaven” and delight in eating nothing but SPAM for a few days. Personally, I’d take a White Castle or Popeye’s trip of the same variety…but hey, how often can you get to eat sweet & sour SPAM?

"Good Humor" Fridays?

While I have nothing in particular to complain about on this "Good Friday", I have an interesting thought. Shouldn't Good Humor, the ice cream company, sponsor Good Friday?

For those who have never heard of Good Humor it was a staple of my childhood in Brooklyn. You'd hear the bells ring and you ran inside to get whatever loose change you could find to buy your $1 Toasted Almond, Strawberry Shortcake, King Cone, Buffalo Bill, Fat Frog, Chocolate Eclair or Astro Pop, among other tasty treats on a stick from the Good Humor man (those who were "richer" could splurge for the $1.50 ice cream cookie sandwiches or those WWF Superstars of Wrestling bars they came out with back in the 80s). I personally liked Buffalo Bill because it had a vanilla and chocolate ice cream and as an added treat, a gumball for a nose - extra sugar rush!


This may or may not be a picture of me enjoying some Good Humor as a child!

Mike was our Good Humor truck driver for 20 years. Business started hurting once the Mr. Softee truck came around, but back in the day, no one cleaned house like the Good Humor man. The one benefit was that the Good Humor truck came down our blocks, which for those who have visited Gerritsen Beach before know how tiny the blocks are (for those who haven't, our "blocks" or streets are pretty much driveway sized, with only room for a car to park and a car to pass). Mr. Softee only stayed on the "wider" avenues (which was probably a smart decision anyway to save on gas money) and let the children run to him rather than have the truck come to the children. I also found it very shady that Mr. Softee sold Good Humor product in addition to their soft serve cones, basically rendering the Good Humor man obsolete.


The Mr. Softee truck blatently selling Good Humor ice cream product, causing the demise of the Good Humor truck

Anyway, there are some instant synergies between Good Humor and Good Friday:

1) The name "Good" is already there.

2) Ice cream is allowed on Good Friday as long as it doesn't contain any meat.

So naturally, there's a connection. But taking it one step further, the reason we loved Good Humor so much was that once you finished your ice cream there was a printing on the stick. Some of the sticks were "lucky sticks" and if you had one you'd get a free ice cream. You were also the shit if you got one - you felt like the king of the block. And everyone knows there's nothing better than some free ice cream!

Anyway, getting back to the point, as a special prize, Good Humor can work with the Catholic church to distribute special "lucky sticks" for the holidays. Instead of getting a free ice cream with your lucky stick, these specially made Catholic Lucky Sticks can be your "get out of not eating meat" card for the day. How cool would that be? I mean I'm not religious at all so I don't really follow the rules, but I've always thought the whole "not eating meat on Friday thing" was a stupid idea. Like if you eat a piece of steak on Friday's for Lent, God would smite you? I'm sure he/she/it is up there somewhere eating a nice, meaty Filet Mignon tonight with a big glass of Merlot, laughing at the rest of us.

Anyway, since people by and large "play by the rules" and follow their religion, Good Humor would be the "savior" by stepping in and issuing these "lucky sticks" which would be your pass to eat meat for the day. Good Humor would benefit because ice cream sales would go through the roof (and maybe the Good Humor truck would regain popularity and start taking away market share from the Mr. Softee truck). The Catholic church would benefit from all of the PR their "Good Humor Fridays" campaign would generate (and lord knows they need the positive PR these days). Of course we would make sure none of the priests were driving the Good Humor trucks. That would be a nightmare for obvious reasons!


An extensive background check would ensure no priests were masquerading as Good Humor men

So Mr. Pope Benedict Arnold, or whatever your name is, if you're reading out there...this may not be a bad idea to consider!