Ain't no bagel worth no $1,000

Na ah. A bagel worth one large? Fuggetaboutit.

But it's the truth son.

Some fancy pants chef created this so called "$1,000 bagel" using white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Say what?



The bagel is the brainchild of chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel. Apparently proceeds from the bagel go to some foundation for aspiring chefs. But regardless could you imagine just asking for a bagel and cream cheese and having to whip out 10 benjamins to pay for it? Grandma Ruthie would have a heart attack. I mean a bagel with lox these days is expensive enough!

But, $1,000 for a bagel is just a drop in the bucket compared to this $25,000 hot chocolate!



Apparently this hot chocolate served at Seredipity (where else) called a "Frrozen Haute Chocolate," is a mixture of 28 types of cocoas, 14 which apparently are the "most expensive and exotic from around the globe". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize there were more exotic brands of hot chocolate than Ghirardelli. Fuck, I don't think I get much more fancy than the 60 pack of Swiss Miss.

If that's not enough, the dessert is "infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound."

Oh and to top it off, "it is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home."

What the fuck. That shit better give you an instant orgasm in your pants and better get you laid all night...especially after paying $25k for that shit! You know how many women you can get at one time with $25k??? (Wait before you answer that, I forgot that's not even a drop in the bucket apparently at Scores, where that poor bastard ran up a $250,000 tab a few years back). How the fuck did he do that again?

And I'm sorry...if I'm buying my significant other a bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds, I sure as hell ain't covering that shit in any chocolate or whipped cream. Talk about devalueing a piece of jewelry. Do that with a piece of shit piece of jewelry you buy at the mall or at Spencer's Gifts that ain't cost more than $1.

Ridiculous. Really. There's millions of starving people out there, and assholes are buying desserts and bagels for thousands of dollars. No wonder why so many people hate Americans.

Are you 'shitting' me

So thanks to John for this 'scoop' today.

Apparently there's a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff's office warning of a new drug called "Jenkem".

This drug is "a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past".

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), "the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995."

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.



The Smoking Gun hasn't found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Actually it's been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can't really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn't put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it's doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

The Guacamole Story

So many of my friends have heard this story by now, so figured it was a good one to share on this rainy Wednesday. Plus after all these months I finally got the pictures of the ordeal so for the first time ever, there's some pictures to go along with the infamous story.

Back at our Holiday party last December in our office, we had a professional chef - John Reilly - come and cook up us a feast. Mr. Reilly is a renowned chef who has cooked for presidents in the White House and now has a catering company here in NYC. Mr. Reilly is also an avid hunter and wild game chef, and delighted us in the past with such delicacies as Black Bear empanadas, Braised Pheasant, Smoked Duck Lo Mein and Venison Burgers.

For our holiday party Mr. Reilly served up a smorgasboard of treats, including grilled shrimp, lamb chops, chicken and beef skewers and venison quesadillas with homemade quacamole.

It was heaven for a carnivore and I was up to the task, eating pretty much non-stop for 2 straight hours. Plus I helped myself to a bunch of beers and homemade margaritias.

At the end of the party, dessert came out in the form of homemade fudge brownie squares with vanilla ice cream. Of course there's always room for desert so I helped myself to a few squares and was ready to call it an evening.

A bunch of us were sitting around and the conversation turned to eating. One of my coworkers bragged about how many brownie squares he could shove in his mouth. This inevitably led to conversations about eating capacity, which somehow turned into a dare.

There was a full bowl of guacamole on the table. When I say full, I mean flowing and over the top. The guacamole was in one of those molcajetes - the stone bowls traditionally used at Mexican restaurants to serve guacamole. Somehow the bet turned to me and the challenge was to finish the entire bowl of guacamole in 5 minutes.

Initially I resisted since I had just eaten and drank for 2 straight hours and was way past capacity. Even though money started flowing on the table (got up to $100), it was ultimately my pride (and stupidity) that led me to accept the challenge.

At first the guacamole went down smoothly and I was plowing along. However no matter how fast I ate, when someone would scoop a fresh batch onto my plate it seemed like the bowl was still way past full. It didn't help matters that some in the room were trying to make me laugh, including putting one of those 100 gallon garbage bins next to me.


Co-workers making me laugh was costing me some valuable time

I was undeterred however and kept plowing along. However at the three minute mark things started to slow down tremendously. At this point our lovely PR director here decided to get her camera to start capturing the action (in case I started to puke everywhere - how kind of her :)



My hands literally started shaking after about 4 minutes. I was about halfway through the bowl and there was no way I was finishing it with a minute to go. I felt my color leaving my skin. It felt like I was 10 shades of pale. I was taking long bites and struggling to shallow even the smallest bite. So out of kindness they decided to bonus me two extra minutes.


Starting to struggle


Feeling completely pale

After sipping margaritas (probably not the best thing to drink while eating fast) I got past the wall that hits most competitive eaters and runners alike.


Getting to the bottom of the bowl

With renewed confidence, I started to plow through the rest of the guacamole. Shoveling it into my mouth as fast as I could, I finished the entire bowl at just under 7 minutes!

I couldn't believe I had actually done it. I was beyond full it was so disgusting. I was beyond a food coma. My eyes were completely gazed over and my whole system felt like it was in shock.

I heard hootin and hollering around me but I literally just sat there staring dead ahead in a complete daze. People were high fiving me and I'm not sure I could feel my hands. Now I know what Kobayashi, Chestnut, Thomas and Conti must feel like after a competition. You're beyond bloated and stuffed. You literally put on like 5 pounds just from the food alone.

Mr. Reilly unfortunately had left prior to the competition, but our boss called him up and told him what transpired. After some negotiation, the chef agreed to give me the guacamole bowl, which was hand made specifically for him down in Guatamala! I think that was a better prize than the cash!


The prized trophy

The best part was the wait staff that was working during our party had no idea what was going on. After I had finished the guacamole, one of the workers came back into the room and looked stunned at what had transpired. Our boss asked him if he's ever seen anyone eat that much guacamole at once and he shook his head no. He then proceed to exclaim in astonishment that I had ate 22 avocados! It was well over a quart of guacamole (can't remember the exact amount).


Trying to stop my hand from shakin afterwards

The worst part was we still were heading out to dinner afterwards. Sadly I just sat there at dinner staring at the food in front of me. Couldn't eat a thing.

I did manage to keep everything down surprisingly. I did feel pretty sluggish over the next few days but I wasn't too badly bothered by the ordeal. Actually we went out for mexican a few days later and I was able to eat guacamole pretty easily (at least I was eating it at my own pace!)

I am now the resident eating champ of my office and an official consultant on any eating competition from here on out. I'll have to prepare myself for a new challenge this holiday season. Hopefully it will involve some kind of protein, perhaps burgers, steak or maybe shrimp or oysters!

Move Bitch, Get out the way

Today's post is dedicated to all of those assholes who get in the way.

Like the guy who was arrested a few years back for blocking traffic on the sidewalk.

The pedestrian in question, Matthew Jones, "was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest -- by flailing his arms-- on June 12, 2004. Police said other people "had to walk around" him, and he wouldn't move when asked." He is currently appealing his arrest.

Well I'm glad he went to the slammer. Had he followed the proper rules of pedestrian engagement and wasn't a douchebag maybe he would have avoided getting a plunger stuck up his ass.

Next up is this fat ass who got in the way of a sixty-nine:



Good job 55. Fuckin fat ass. All I wanted was a picture of a 6-9 and you ruined it. Don't you know there's only two people in a sixty-nine...unless you're in a Utah porn or something (btw, someone got to my blog recently by searching for Utah porn. Not sure why Utah porn is so special. Maybe it's because of all the mormons. hmm...)

Another guy who needs to go the fuck home is this guy:



"The protest was not without its superfans. Joaquin Ferreira, 54, of Brooklyn, arrived decked out in a Yankees hat and jacket. A fan for 10 years, he said, “I’m here to support Joe Torre. If Joe leaves, the Yankees will go to hell.”

Wait a minute...Superfan? 10 years?? Are you fucking kidding me?!? So let's see...hmm...10 years ago was 1997. Oh WAIT, that was ONE year AFTER the Yankees won the World Series. OH so that qualifies him as a superfan??? That Bandwagon jumping muthafucka? Un real. So he's been a fan just as long as Joe Torre has been a manager with the team. Nice. Good intelligent writing AM New York. Oh and look, the person who wrote the article is a Newsday writer. The pinaccle of sports journalism. What a joke. Calling him a super fan is like calling boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ funny. (LK- there you go, I took a shot at her. Third in the voting for funniest blog my ass.)

Another person who needs to get out of the way is this asshole that had a sign that said "Cowboys Bound 4 Superbowl".



Good job genius. Hope some Patriot fans shoved that up your ass after the game. Moron. Why don't you wait until we've actually made the playoffs before declaring a trip to the Superbowl. Oh, wait...you must be a "superfan" too like the douche above. Let me guess, you started being a Cowboys fan in '93? And no true fan goes to the game with a sign that calls out the network that's calling the game. Fuck face.

Oh and btw...why that girl was announcing to the world that she's a Homo Sexual is beyond me. I mean she's cute and all and some chick would be lucky to have her as a partner. But seriously, honey, saying you're a homo sexual with a big sign is probably not the best way to get on TV.

So you need to be naked to be famous these days



So I just heard about this (am I the fuckin last to know? Guess that's what I get for not reading the Post!).

Apparently last Friday some ad agency worker had a meltdown and walked around the streets of Manhattan naked:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/10132007/news/regionalnews/nude_nut_had_bad_bare_day.htm





According to the article, Josh Drimmer, 26, "temporarily lost his senses and that he was just having a really bad day...It was an extreme panic attack brought on by days of not sleeping. I had a bad day."

Now, I've worked my fair share of bad days in agency land but never took to the streets naked as a result. I may have done some swearing and maybe even broken a pencil or two (don't tell!) but that's gotta be some kinda meltdown to go to Times Square in the nude.

Unless he was just trying to show up the Naked Cowboy.



But apparently this may not have been Mr. Drimmer's first nude appearance in public. According to the article, Drimmer, a Yale graduate, was in a group called the "Pundits" where there were naked parties with party goers hanging out in the nude.

Mr. Drimmer is also a fellow blogger. He writes a blog, "Excellence Makes Wack Irrelevant" which he classifies as "some jottings, findings, and sharp darts thrown by Josh Drimmer, playwright, pontificator, patriot."

Although he hasn't updated his blog in quite some time so needless to say he's "petered out" on the whole blogging experience? Hey-oh! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here till Friday, try the veal.

Anyway, this guy is now a mega celebrity. He even caught the eye of this police officer who apparently thinks he's a "detective":


Notice the officer on the left "inspecting" the package

Easy there officer. If you stare at it too long it'll make you go blind. Or is that what they say about masterbating too much? Can't remember.

Anyway, am I jealous at his new found fame? Sure. But until I get into "nudity baring" shape I promise I'll spare my fellow New Yorkers of me running around in the buff. Unless I need the publicity of course. Cause then I can just chalk it up to a bad day.

I leave you, Mr. Drimmer, with some words to live by:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

GoogleZon

Sorry guys, been a crazy work day today. That and I'm off to Dallas for the weekend to watch my beloved Cowboys try to hang in there vs the Patriots.

But some "quickies" to share before I depart (and not of the sexual kind unfortunately).

First, on the train this morning I'm standing against the door. I'm wearing a green t-shirt and off-white cargo shorts (yes shorts...it's still in the 50s/60s which is still shorts weather in my book. Keep looking at me like I'm a freak there assholes). Anyway this blond chick gets on the subways wearing the same color combination as me! She's wearing a similarly colored green top and white pants! Not only that but the bitch has the audacity to stand right next to me! Unreal.

So now we're standing there like two dofusses dressed alike.



THANK GOD she got off in just two stops. I mean really...who the fuck wears white pants after labor day? Com'on now!

Speaking of unreal and outfits. This lady sitting across from me on the train the other night had on one of those straw hats.

Everytime she moved her head, she'd poke one of the straws into the guy or the lady sitting next to her. They were getting so pissed. Who the fuck wears a hat like that on the subway (well unless you want space of course). I was trying not to laugh so I just calmly whipped it out and took a picture.



If I were sitting next to her though I probably wouldn't have been laughing. Nothing like getting poked in the eye with some straw to start your evening commute home!

Anyway saw an article today that General Electric is looking to part ways with NBC. According to the article in MediaPost Publications by Wayne Friedman, "GE will consider an NBC sale after the network airs the Beijing Olympics next year...
Who would buy? Surely the usual suspects, like Time Warner, have been bandied about, since it's a large media company without a full-fledged broadcast network -- just one-half of one, the CW. Previously, Time Warner wholly owned the WB. But consider other bigger, perhaps more unusual players. There's Google, Microsoft, Facebook, or some other new contraption of a media company looking to put a new spin on an old -- but still promising -- entertainment platform. This would make sense. While those new Internet/tech companies always get the buzz, they really aren't ready to delve into the tricky world of TV program - or content -- development. Yahoo tried to go that route and didn't get very far. Even for a company like Google, which seems to grow larger and larger by promising advertising networks and marketing solutions to smaller and smaller companies, NBC - or for that matter any network -- is still an attractive option because those old entertainment companies can still get big mass audiences with one hit show."

Now this is exactly what I've been telling anyone who listens to the shit that pours out of my mouth. Google is looking to take over the world.

If you haven't seen this video piece from the Center of Media Research you should. It talks about Google merging with Amazon to create "GoogleZon" which would basically control all the custom content you read and receive. It also talks about the New York Times eventually trying to sue Google and losing, leaving Google as the only powerhouse left in the media world.

Click here to view the video.

It may not be all true...but definitely interesting, especially given Google's desire to snap up everything in it's power.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

GO COWBOYS! You can do it!

Gimme More Collard Greens Mutha Fucka

So y'all heard by now Bill O'Reilly done said some racist things in the past few days.

If you haven't heard, O'Reilly was having dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton up at Sylvia's, which is a soul food restaurant in Harlem (one of the best soul food restaurants around).

O'Reilly was quoted saying "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship."

O'Reilly continued "You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all,"

O'Reilly even added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea."



Now I don't know what types of restaurants O'Reilly has been in before with black folk, but its plainly clear he was out of touch. What did he expect, people to be climbing all over the seats, swinging from the chandeliers, stealing food off each other's plates? I mean bitch, this ain't no Chuck-E-Cheese or IHOP, this is Sylvia's. Soul Food at it's finest. If you wanted chaos and people cursing at each other then you need to go to Popeye's or the B-K up in Harlem. Then people be all up in ya grillz asking for change and throwing chicken bones around.

I mean I mostly joking of course but you get my point. It's crazy that someone in this day and age thinks it's an "amazing thing" that a restaurant run by "blacks" and frequented by "blacks" can be just as "civilized" as a "white run restaurant".

I mean, Bill...last time I checked you were a business guy and you surely know that "blacks" hold CFO, President, CEO, and other highly influential positions in business. Hell aren't there special publishing features and media reports devoted to the top companies run by minorities? I can't believe you'd be that out of touch with civilization that you think every establishment run by a "minority" is run like a zoo. Now granted there is your occassional exception or two but seriously man...I'm disappointed.


Yo bitch, where my collard greens at!

All I know is that I'm thinking about wearing a Bill O'Reilly costume for this Halloween. I'll show up to Sylvia's or some other "black run restaurant". I'll scream at the workers "yo, motha fucka, where the fuck my chitlins and collard greens at". Everyone will have a good time and laugh. And then I'll take off my costume and sit and enjoy my meal like a civilized human being.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to seek out some fried chicken for lunch. All this talk about it has put me in the mood for some finger lickin goodness!

She should have used the Princess

It's nice to be back to civilization after traversing through the land of endless miles of cornfields yesterday (I had to take a trip through the hills of South Eastern Missouri/Southern Illinois on my way to the Grand American Trapshoot in Sparta, IL). The heat (105 Heat Index) fried my brains to shreds and coming straight to the office off the plane didn't really help matters mentally. I've been stammering out sentences all day and my eyes are glazing over. In fact I don't even know if this is making any sense whatsoever right now! But I just saw an article I just couldn't resist "commenting" on.

So apparently this French girl tripped out on Shrooms' in Amsterdam and tried to jump off a building because she probably thought she could fly.

The article references that the young girl took "Magic Mushrooms", like the kind that's seen here:



I immediately thought of my favorite movie of all-time, Airplane II, where the wife is recalling on the plane the time the husband did some of that "bad acid" and thought he was jesus christ while he tried to jump off a roof cause he thought he could fly. (I'll have to vidcap the clip for you since it's no where to be found on YouTube). Anyway, since that reference is probably too random for most of you (except for my friends to whom I quote lines of Airplane on an almost daily basis), the other thing I thought of was Super Mario Brothers II and how by "eating" (or in this case squatting down and flipping) the mushrooms, you got an energy boost and you grew in size. (One day I need to talk about how fucked up the Japanese are by inventing these types of ideas in the first place (let's not forget the whole Tamagotchi debacle of the mid 90's. But I'll save that for another day...maybe when I'm tripping on shrooms myself!).

Since it's well documented how great the euphoric effects eating "magic mushrooms" are and assuming this girl at some point had played Super Mario Brothers II in her lifetime (although she was French...do they french even play video games?) she would have known that if she was going to jump off a building or ledge, she should have morphed into the Princess.


Only the Princess is able to float on air after consuming mushrooms

So let this be a lesson to all who plan on taking shrooms and then trying to jump off buildings. You only start out with 2 lives. Select your player wisely.

Excuse me miss, you dropped your tampons

Actually, that’s the second time in my life I’ve seen someone drop their tampons.

The first time was at a duane reade about 12 years ago. A lady dropped a box of tampons on the ground as she was juggling her other feminine products in her hands. I noticed her struggling and kindly picked up her tampons for her and handed them to her. She was a bit embarrassed, but i was young and didn’t really care. She was actually really pretty, which is one of the reasons why I picked them up for her (I know, I know…typical man!) But hey I was 18 years old and just being curteous. My momma didn’t raise no fool!

The second time was decidedly a more embarrassing situation. I was waiting for an uptown 2/3 train at 34th street last night and there was this girl who was
a bit disheveled.

She bent over and out of her overnight bag fell out a single tampon. At first she didn’t see said tampon fall to the ground. Another lady pointed to the ground behind her and she noticed. The girl who dropped the tampon looked at it and was immediately embarrassed. She waived her hand at it and said she didn’t need it.

Then a few seconds later after she was beat red, she paced around staring at it and started crying. Then she walked away quickly in embarrassment. I didn’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for the chic. I looked at the woman who originally pointed out the tampon to the girl and she just shrugged her shoulders with a slight smirk.

I mean at some point the girl should have just picked up the tampon. No one around her really cared. I didn’t even pay her much attention. Although I could see where it would be embarrassing. I dropped my dildo once on a crowded subway platform. Everyone saw. And laughed. And pointed at me and called me names like Dildo boy. So what if I pissed my pants on the spot. I picked up my dildo, placed it back in my bag and continued on with my day. But this girl…she panicked…and cried…and ran. Poor thing. Maybe she was French!

Anyway, right as the train was coming I took a picture of said tampon and then hopped on the train. Although I’m sure some asshole probably reported a “suspicious package” on the subway platform.


Is that a suspicious package, or just a tampon?

Could you imagine. The SWAT team comes out. The white gloved bomb squad comes in.

“What is it sir”?

“I’m not sure, it’s some foreign torpedo like device. (looking through x-ray scope). Oh my god…run away…it has wings!”

Yeah, I’m sure it’ll go down exactly like that. Either that or someone will have just gone about their commute home and found themselves a tampon. Call it their lucky day! Some people find pennies. Some find tampons. You know, you can get a pretty penny on the street for a tampon…especially the unused ones!

Was there a year one?

So Bridget and I are taking the Metro North back to NYC tonight and these two teenage boys are sitting in the seats in front of us across from each other (like typical teenagers they were taking up a group of seats by laying across them). One of the boys says to the other: "man it's crazy...we're gonna be graduating college in like 2013. That's crazy.".

The other teenager just nods and says something like yeah, I can't believe it.

The first teenage now says one of the stupidest things I've EVER heard come out of anyone's mouths (and I've heard some stupid things heard over the years). The teen says: "Yeah, I don't know why they just don't reset years. Like start at 100 or 1000 or something. (long pause) Was there a year one?"

He honestly said that in all sincerity. Was there a year one.

The other teen didn't answer right away and I noticed he shot his friend a "what the fuck" kinda look. Like are you serious dude.

Well the teen who asked said question waited for a response. No chuckle. No "I'm just fuckin with you". He was dead serious.

So the obviously smarter teen said something like "umm, yeah dude...when Christ died they started the calendar after his death. But before that they counted years too."

To which the dumber teen said...oh cool.

Oh cool. Nice. Dude...lay off the fuckin drugs. Seriously. Unless you're planning on enrolling in P.C.U. then you should really make sure you're living on this planet.

Anyway I found it kinda funny. I whispered to Bridget "did you hear what that kid just said". Which she didn't. And I don't blame her. She was wrapped up in reading People magazine. Although after telling her we shared a laugh...and then went back to reading about things that matter most in this world...like celebrities.

I can't believe Prince Charles was caught wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. And Liberace was gay? Who would have saw that coming???

Light my fire

Obviously this girl was listening to the Doors when she went to remove the gas pump from her car:



Didn't she hear about that whole static electricity thing urban myth and how you're not supposed to get in your car and then out of your car and remove the gas nozzle?

She's definitely very lucky the car didn't explode on her. Although I love how after she put the fire out she ran away. I wonder if they'll charge her for the extra gas she "burned".

Speaking of fire...I'm sure you've all seen this video a hundred times, but I know a few of you haven't yet. It's of a car crashing into a toll booth down in New Jersey.



Obviously the guy didn't make it.

Not sure what's with my mood today. Maybe because it's upper 80s outside and a good beach day and I'm stuck working. Maybe cause it's only Tuesday and still have a full week of work ahead. All I feel like doing right now is heading to the beach with a case of Corona's and getting "toasted" (both by the sun and by the alcohol). At this point I'll even take the syringe-infused waters off Coney Island! But I guess I can just peer outside the window and daydream.

"Bat" Man

Last night sitting in the bleachers at the Yankees game I was sitting in front of this older couple, probably in their 50s. They looked like they just got off the bus from Woodstock, with their long white hair and shoddy clothing. However they seemed nice and they were definitely avid Yankee fans. The lady however was cheering for everything. She even cheered loudly when the corporate sponsor for umbrella day was acknowledged before the game. Who cheers for the corporate sponsor??? But the worst part was her whistle. She emitted this ultra-high pitched whistle that I think most dogs would cover their ears listening too. It was deafening. I'm still hearing some of the feedback in my ear. She whistled and clapped for everything. Mussina threw a ball? "Come on Mooooseeee let's get it back" followed by loud claps and her shreiking whistle. Wil Nieves struck out again? Whistle, clap, whistle. "Get em next time Willie!"

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for cheering at games. But jesus christ lady...be aware of people sitting in front of you when you're whistling. And there's really no need to whistle for a foul ball. Honestly. If Mussina's pitch count was 66 by the 5th inning, her whistle count was in the 100's. Eventually I became deaf enough in my right ear that it stopped fazing me. But 2 or 3 people actually moved their seats because of her loud cheering. Thankfully I left in the 7th inning to avoid any further damage to my ear drums. What's that? Huh? Sorry thought someone was calling my name.

Anyway, sorry to vent about that...I think that's just my ear speaking out in frustration. Although it could have been worse. I could have been this guy (click for larger image):



I think the funniest part of the picture is how he's the only one not defending himself from the bat. People a few seats over have their hands raised or are covering themselves. The people on the left side look like they're watching a horror film and are screaming. But this guy just took the bat on the chin. According to the caption he suffered a broken rib...but not sure how he didn't break his jaw. Then again he's wearing an Ireland shirt, so I'm sure he's used to getting hit in the face. (I'll take Irish stereotypes for $200 please).

Ooooh...what's that, someone just said there's donuts in the conference room. I'm so there. Be back with more later...


Mmmm....donuts

Post blog note: hmm...so turns out I'm just hearing things...no donuts. damn...that lady really fucked my ear up!

What ever happened to Eight is Enough???

I was skimming across People magazine the other day and saw this article about the Duggar family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are 40 year old parents who live in Arkansas. (Jim Bob is a real estate agent). You would think they were the average family, living the average American life.

Your guess would be that they have 3, 4, maybe 5 kids right?

Nah, keep going.

6, 7?

Nope.

9, 10?

You'll need more than 2 hands.

12, 13???

Ha...not there yet.

15???

Close...but no cigar.

Let's try 16 kids...with a 17th on the way!!!!!! (Click for a bigger picture)

The Duggar clan

17 fuckin kids!!! The oldest is 19 years old. Two sets of twins.

According to the family, after the birth of child #1 they "thought we'd leave the decision about how many children to have up to God".

Smart move.

While I'm not one to judge them for populating this world, I can criticize them in the naming of their children. They named all their children with the letter J. I hate when people do that. Its bad enough when you do that with three or four children. But 17??? What the fuck?

Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, and to be born Jennifer Danielle.

Throw in Jim Bob as the dad and that's 18 people in the family with the letter J. Why doesn't the wife just change her name from Michelle to something with a J? Make it a clean fuckin sweep. Or did they use up all the J names already?

According to the mother she wants even more!! Good move. Why don't you just populate the entire town while you're at it. I mean at this point, once your children start having children you know damn well incest is gonna run rapid.

Scene: county fairgrounds. behind the bleachers. teenage boy and girl about to make out.

Girl: wait...before we do this, are you a Duggar by any chance???

Boy: why yes I am. What bout' you?

Girl: I am Tooo!

Commence making out.

End Scene.

The family even has their own website, Duggar Family.com and are celebrities thanks to numerous appearances on TV. They even have their own show on the Discovery Health Channel.

Listen people...let's not encourage them. Let's not celebrate this as a "glorious gift from God". I happen to think this is child imprisonment at its highest. Don't believe me. Look at this picture:



Every Duggar child "has" to start on violin at age 4. Does anyone else see something fucked up in that? I mean I know you have to teach them to do chores around the house at a young age, like laundry, cook, clean etc, especially when you have a family that big. But forcing them to play an instrument? Why not just let them pick it up and play when they're curious about it?

Look at the faces on some of the children (click the pic for a bigger view). They don't look too thrilled to be playing do they??? I mean, isn't that basically a form of child abuse by forcing them to do things they necessarily don't want to do? No? Am I totally off base here?

Celebrate them if you'd like. Praise them for populating the world with "god's greatest gift". I'm sure they're good, honest people just trying to find joy in their lives. But what concerns me is the mental state of their children. How can you possible give love, affection and attention to 17 children!!! You can't. You know damn well some of those children will grow up to have serious mental problems based on neglect or from constantly being in the media spotlight. You can see it in their faces already. Some of the younger children look scared shitless in that picture. Like if they didn't pick up the violin they'd be beaten with a wire hanger.

I'm not accusing them of abusing their children physically, but mentally how can they not be??? It's bad enough a family of 3 or 4 has to deal with middle child syndrome. What about a family of 17?

"Sue" City

So last night I saw that Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) is being sued again based on a clip that appeared in the movie Borat. The man doing the suing is Jeffrey Lemerond, a 31 year old geeky Wall Street financial analyst, who was shown in the movie running furiously away from Borat as he tried to give him a hug. Obviously Mr. Lemerond, who went to "Dartmouth" and therefore has no sense of humor, has suffered “public ridicule, degradation and humiliation” as a result of his appearance in the film. Apparently he's suing on grounds he never gave consent to appear in the film.

Here's the link to the article and also the video clip from the movie and analysis from CNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19103391/

Well of course they never got consent you douchebag...you were too busy running your ass off like a chicken shit. I think the other guy who told Borat he'd "break his fucking face" if he tried to touch him looked like even more of a douchebag in the movie (douchebag IS the word of the day btw).


The word of the day is Douchebag!

The New York City scenes in the movie cracked me up, probably because I live here...but the chicken on the subway scene was great. Especially when he told the passengers "Be careful he bite" as the chicken was flying around the subway. I need to get the movie on DVD...I'm cracking up just thinking about it.

Anyway, point is, yes these guys made a big fool out of themselves in a movie that millions saw around the world. But you know what, they should embrace the fact that they looked like douchebags (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!). I'd be like, yeah, I ran from Borat...but I'm a "celebrity" now. I mean look at William Hung. He made more of an ass out of himself than anyone in recent history and now he's got his own record deal and will forever be "infamous".

I'm sorry that the little sissy got his feelings hurt. He didn't know his running away act was gonna be filmed for one of the most popular movies of all time. But maybe he should of stopped and talked to Borat instead of running away. I mean he must have saw the camera right? He could have said sorry I don't want to appear in this movie. And that would've been the end of it. Better yet, they could have easily just had the camera running on a tripod and filmed his likeness walking by, and thus he would've been in the movie.

Hell, most of us have probably been in movies or TV shows walking around in the background of some street scene. Not all movies are filmed in roped off little areas. Sometimes you just get establishing shots with people walking by. You think everyone in the movie Midnight Cowboy signed a release to appear in the film? How bout Tootsie? Thousands of people were filmed walking down the streets in those movies. Some were probably picking their nose or wearing embarassing clothing. Did they sue? No.

So the fact that he ran is really his fault. Maybe next time he shouldn't be such a mama's boy. Although he's making even more of an ass of himself now by suing. Just look at this headline (click image to read the article):



Ouch! I mean really...Jeffrey. Look what you've done now! Instead of just taking a ribbing from people that know you, now you're getting lambasted all over the internet. Good work. Hope that lawsuit goes well for you. You've should have just said, you know what guys...I'm a pussy. I ran away like a chicken shit. But you know what...at least I'm famous now. Nope...instead he's crying wolf. And you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf. He got his ASS BEAT!!!

That ain't right!

So I walk into the bathroom before and open the stall door. I look down and see shit stains on the seat. Not on the back of the seat, but on the front of the seat and the middle area between the seat.

What the fuck? I mean seriously, did someone basically shit their pants and it all got over the seat? Were they unaligned on the bowl that badly??? Were they acting in a German Schizer video?

Come on man...if you're gonna "miss", at least wipe the seat down. Fuckin gross. But I guess people just "leave it to the janitor". Well you know what asshole, janitor's are people too! I was a janitor for a summer and had to clean shit off toilets because of scumbags like you. Fuckin asshole. Go shit on your toilet seat at home like that and see what happens. If you're married, your ass is on the couch for the next year. If you're single, you have to clean after yourself. So why shouldn't the workplace be any different. Unreal.

P.S. I would've taken picture of said seat but figured that would be completely crossing the line and grossing everyone out. So just take it from me...it wasn't a pretty sight.

Lady...it wouldn't kill ya...

So last night I got on the uptown 4 train at Bowling Green and at Wall St. this rather "weighty" (to say it politely) lady sat next to me. She sat down with a bag of McDonalds on her lap and starting eating. At this point I was starving having just played racquetball for almost 2 hours so the smell of fries and burgers was making my stomach grumble. She opens the bag and I peer in. She had like 4 quarter pounders with cheese and an overflowing portion of fries. I tried not to stare as she devoured fries and burgers.

Anyway, at 14th street, a very skinny and sickly looking homeless man came onto the train looking for some change or food. I actually had no bills smaller than $20 lest I would have given him some change. The lady, seeing that the man was approaching, stuffed a hunk of burger in her mouth and rolled up her bag of McDonald's. Not sure if the guy saw her or not but as he politely asked her if she could spare some change or food, she shook her head no as she tried to chew her food slowly. The guy stared at her for a few seconds and then walked away.

I mean really...lady...it wouldn't kill you to spare one of the burgers in your bag. Unless you were bringing it home for your family...which it appeared that you weren't, I think you could've done without an extra cheeseburger. I mean I'm sure the 2,000 calories you already downed with the burgers and fries didn't come close to filling you up. But if you ever even complained about being fat...well...now you know why.

I looked at her in disbelief and disgust. A guy across from me looked at me and shook his head and we smiled. Cause he was thinking the same thing I was. You fucking fat ass...spare a fucking cheeseburger... (at least I think that's what he was thinking - it was what I was thinking). Anyway, its a good thing I had my "inner voice" working lest I would have created a messy situation. And that wouldn't have been good.

Anyway, been stuck in a land of work today so many apologies for the late blog. That and I'm heading to Nashville tomorrow for a work event. Maybe I'll run into my girl Gretchen and she can show me a rootin tootin good time down there! Although I'll need to download some country onto my iPod to get me caught up on the latest country hits. And I may have to have Bridget give me some quick line dancing lessons. I wouldn't want to be the only one not doing the "Boot Scootin' Boogie" at the bar!


"Oh get down, turn around go to town boot scootin' boogie"

Anyway...sorry for the short and sweet post for now...I'll try to give y'all something good before we hit the holiday weekend!

Oh and btw...about American Idol...TOLD YOU SO! America loves a crier!

Bar fight – the story

So as promised (and because I know everyone’s been patiently waiting for it) here’s the story of the bar fight we witnessed in London.

Bridget (my girlfriend), Abriana (my sister) and I were exploring the East London area visiting the popular Indian/Bangladesh street known as Brick Lane. Brick Lane is home to some of the best Indian/Bangladeshi food in all of London so we figured we check out what all the hype was about.

We got to the strip around 5pm but alas all of the restaurants weren’t open till 5:30. So we decided to visit the only Irish bar on the strip next to one of the restaurants we wanted to try, called The Archers.



The Archers is a small corner bar, with an inside wooden frame and hints of smoke in the air. The bar contains a few bar stools and some side tables for seating. A very no frills type of bar, serving no food just alcohol.

There were only 4 other patrons in the bar when we walked in. Sitting at the bar was an English man, probably mid 50s in age, and a Russian couple, around the same age. Another younger guy of Indian/Bangladeshi decent was at the bar too, coming in and out.

There were three workers at the bar, two females and a male, who was the manager of the bar. I walked up to the bar and the Russian guy was talking to one of the female bartenders who appeared to be Russian. He was asking her where she was from Russia. She basically ignored him and just poured the glass of vodka he was asking for. The Russian man paid for his drinks and upon getting his change asked for change in paper (he received coin pounds for change). When she said that that was his change he mumbled something incoherently and proceed to pound his shot of vodka. The bartender poured my beers and I brought them to the table where we were sitting, which was right behind the Russian couple.


Bridget and I with our beers moments before the fight erupted. The Russian man is behind my shoulder

No more than a minute later, the Russian man starts raising the back of his hand to the female bartender. The female bartender backed away and told the man to leave the bar. The male manager, a slight Indian man, about 5’5” tall and maybe 150 lbs soaking wet came over and took the man’s shot glass away and said something to the effect of “no more, you’re cut off”. The Russian man didn’t take too kindly to that, and grabbed a beer mug and smashed it on one of the taps of the bar. The Russian man was a bulking man, about 6’2” tall and easily over 250 lbs. Plus he was stumbling, incoherently drunk. He took the broken glass and started threatening the Indian male with it. In response, the Indian man broke a glass of his own and threatened the Russian man right back.

We decided at that point we should get out of harm’s way so we moved to the side. The Russian man proceed to drop his broken glass and pick up a bar stool. He cracked the bar stool on the ground, breaking the legs off. He swung the bar stool across the bar, knocking over a few more mugs in the process. Sensing this was about to get out of control, we quickly gathered our stuff and left the bar. Bridget, being the smart Irish woman she is, grabbed her beer and took it outside. My sister and I, left our beers on the table inside as chair swinging and glass breaking continued. Seeing that our full beers were sitting on the table, I ran back in, retrieved our prize possessions and ran back outside looking for anyone to call the police.

While asking the friendly Indian neighbors to call the cops we were left with blank stares. I yelled out, “can anyone call the police….anyone…policia?” met with utter silence. One person asked what’s going on in there and I said your bar is being destroyed. They shook it off like it was no big deal. It was like only gun shots may have prompted a call to the cops.

Peering back inside the bar, the Russian man went to the side of the bar to get behind the bar. The Indian man took a stool of his own to cut off his path. The Indian man held his own despite the 6 or 7 inch height difference, shouting to the male to leave. The younger Indian gentleman at the bar tried to calm the Russian down…but to no avail. The wife of course just stood there idly with no control over her husband. I mean if the guy was willing to hit a female bartender why wouldn’t he hit his wife?

In the meantime my sister decided to call the cops. The fight inside continued with another stool being broken and glass strewn about the floor. The bar manager had his back against the wall and fought off the Russian valiantly. Finally after 5 minutes of back and forth of jousting, screaming and pleading, the Russian man left the bar.

We walked back inside the bar and the bar manager was catching his breath and white as a ghost (maybe not white…but white as he could be for his skin tone). The female bartender started sweeping up the glass and picking up the broken stools. We informed them we had called the cops, which apparently didn’t go over well with them (seems like they didn’t want to be bothered). The Russian man stumbled outside and his female companion came back into the bar to get their change they apparently left on the bar! Some fuckin nerve huh? You destroy a bar, then come back in to get your change. In the states, they would have been tossed out in the streets and wouldn’t dare come back. But since this bar was “outmanned” size wize they had no muscle to enforce their own defense.

Anyway, the female bartender gave the lady back her change to avoid any further trouble. The couple stumbled away, going around the corner. I kept tabs on their whereabouts along with the other Indian gentleman who was helping to diffuse the fight. They had gone into a store next door and minutes later the cops had arrived (nothing like a timely arrival guys). We instantly directed them in the direction of the gentlemen but meanwhile it looked like nothing had happened to the bar. All of the glass was swept up, and the broken chairs were disposed with. The police were confused when they came in, but we had to point them to all of the broken glass that was swept up to even show an indication of the fight. I mean, really, I’d be like, look what that fuck did to my bar. Its like the bar manager didn’t even care.


The bar back to normal after the brawl

The cops eventually arrested and placed the Russian in the paddywagon. Apparently he had finished 7 beers at the liquor store next door by the time the cops got to him. That’s 7 beers in about 3 minutes if you’re counting at home. One cop came into the bar to take statements, and my sister, since she called the cops, was elected to go off and provide her statements.

The bar manager chose not to press charges against the Russian man. Instead of thanking us we basically got an annoyed look from them like we’re the ones who caused trouble. Well excuse us for caring, maybe you would have thought differently had your throat been slashed to your veins. You think they would have bought us a round of drinks? Nope. They just went about their normal business, albeit a bit shaken by the events that just transpired. I asked the bar manager if they have fights often and he said not really…that’s the first one he’s had in a year.

Anyway, after my sister was cross-examined by the police and gave her statement the cop told us to get out of the neighborhood by sunlight. Apparently East London is rough and tumble and not a place to venture at night.

Anyway, I guess you had to be there to witness the fight. I've seen my share of bar fights before, but never one that was such a mismatch in size. I had a camera on me and I was tempted to take pictures and video, but didn't want to have my camera confiscated as evidence. I would have tried to break up the fight as well, if I was in my own country and knew the bar. But in a foreign country trying to break up a fight between a drunk Russian and an Indian with broken mugs in their hands as weapons I was wise to stay out of it. Besides, I think America's done enough meddling in foreign countries...I don't need to add to that persona!

Stay tuned for my food reviews and other comments about my journey to the UK.

No spoon for you!

So, I go to buy some Chicken Noodle Soup (not for the soul but for my throat) from Silo Cafe yesterday (which is simply been packed to the hilt recently thanks to its vast array of culinary options including a build your own pasta station, pizza, hot sandwiches, cold sandwiches, salad bar, build a salad, sushi bar and other treats. Shameless plug I know. But honestly the place doesn't need a plug. Its hopping!). Anyway I return to my desk and take out said soup. I dig into the bag and pull out a fork.


No spoon for me!

Wait...fork? No spoon? Umm...Oswipe? Fork? Thanks...thanks alot. Good thing we have spoons here if not i'd be bobbing for noodles. Actually I ended up pretty much just drinking down the broth anyway. But still, even a spork would've been useful.

Anyway, I'm sure our friends across the pond saw this...but the rest of us may have not. This guy skiied down the longest escalator in the London Tube.



Nearly a million people have watched this video already. God bless the internet. Makes you famous in a nanosecond. Although his stunt has drawn outrage from British officials and British media, deeming it "dangerous" and "life threatening". I happen to think the stunt was cool...although why would you want to ruin a pair of skis that way? Anyway, I won't condemn the stunt because I've videotaped myself skiing before. Although unlike him I didn't have a helmet cam. Nor was I hurtling full speed down an escalator. What would have been funnier is if he knocked some people over on his way down. But I'm sure what you don't see is people being held back from the scene for safety. You mean to tell me no one was on the escalator? I think my favorite part is the looks he gets from people. Like what the hell is this bloody wanker doing with skis on in the tube.

I'm sure we'll have tons of copycat stunts around the world now. Actually there's a pretty long subway escalator on the E/F train transfer at 51st Street. Maybe this guy can ski down that! Although since that's been there, done that, how about someone attempt to jump over the Great Wall of China on a skateboard? Or jump off the Empire State Building with a parachute?


Uh hmm...Dr. Evil. That too also has happened.

Shit. Throw me a frieken bone here people, ok? I'm the boss...need the info.

Ok, so how bout this. Has anyway ever skied down one of the pyramids in Egypt??? Anyone? Huh? Thought so!

Of course I don't want to take the blame if someone actually does that stunt. But would be hellacool to see!

No better feeling

So...is there a better feeling than going to your office bathroom early in the morning to take your morning shit and the seat hasn’t been used yet? I mean really, there’s nothing better than taking the first shit of the day on a toilet. The bowl is all clean and pristine and inviting. The seat has a nice coolness to it (I think the worst feeling is sitting on an already used, warm toilet seat not even knowing how many asses have sat down before you). I think taking the first shit on an unused toilet is the most underrated, underappreciated feeling a man can have. I’d argue the same would apply to women, since you make your livelihood sitting (or squatting). Much like men, I’m sure you’d like to have first piss sitting. Correct me if I’m wrong here?


Getting the "all clear" sign that the seat hasn't been used yet today!

Anyway, the subways have been absolutely atrocious the last few days thanks to that building collapse I guess. Although they have been more packed than usual for some reason. Going down to racquetball on Tuesday I had to wait for two 6 trains at 33rd before I even had a shot at getting on. And last night I was going to walk to the bar which was about 25 blocks away, but being that my legs were still sore from playing I’d take the train. Um, yeah, ain’t gonna happen. Couldn’t fight my way onto two straight trains. Ridiculous. Plus I lacked the arm strength to push people out of my way. So instead of starting fights and getting frustrated, I got out and walked.

Yes, walked. Perhaps some of you lazy assholes don’t know that concept but walking is when you put one foot in front of the other and move forward (or backward). But even though the weather has been warm it seems less people want to walk and just cram into the subways to go 3-4 stops to their homes. Which leads me no choice but to enact “nice weather” rules for the subway in effect IMMEDIATELY.

The rules are: if the weather is reasonable 60+ degrees (f) and there’s no inclement weather (i.e. rain, gusty wind, dust storm, etc) and your commute is less than 30 blocks and you are without physical or mental limitations to do so, your ass is barred from taking the subway. Exception to those who have to take the subway to transfer or those who are in an extreme rush to get to their destination (i.e. dinner reservation, theatre, pick up your pet, house is on fire, etc) anyone traveling within a 30 block radius must walk. Save the space for those who have longer commutes or have someplace urgent to be.

Why does this rule make sense? Because by the time you fight to get in the subway and take the subway 3-4 stops (approx 30 blocks) and factoring in the typical rush-hour delays in service, you figure that ride door to door will take about 20-25 minutes on average. Now, if you walked home, say that at a leisurely pace you can walk a block a minute (quick walkers like myself can knock out blocks in about 30-40 seconds). If you averaged a block a minute, 30 blocks would mean you’d be home in 30 minutes. So that would be a five minute difference. And you know what, walking that mile or so is healthier for you and you’ll feel better about yourself, especially since you didn’t spend 20 minutes getting someone’s bag shoved up your ass while you hung on desperately to a pole for balance with your pinky finger. Make’s sense right? For those fat asses who need further motivation, think of the Twinkie you can rip into when you get home as a reward.


For those needing motivation, think of the Twinkies lining the sidewalk on your way home

So next time you’re gonna hop on the subway at Grand Central and get off at 68 street, think again. Your precious $1.5 million one-bedroom apartment isn’t going anywhere. So what if your maid steals some of your jewelry. You’re probably rich enough to afford more anyway.

In other news, in case you didn’t see this, Eddie Griffin (the comedian) crashed a $1.5 million dollar Enzo Ferrari while practicing for a movie.



Watching the video it looks like he drove straight into the wall. Whether he lost control or if this was just a glorified publicity stunt we’ll never know. But this is what bothered me the most about the story:

“The Enzo, valued at around $1.5 million, was owned by the executive producer of ‘Redline,’ Daniel Sadek, whose exotic car collection is featured in the movie the director of the movie made...Only 400 Ferrari Enzos were ever produced, all between 2002 and 2004.”



Griffin standing next to the Ferrari he wrecked

Ok let me get this straight. You own an exotic car that is very rare in quantity and you allow a “B” actor at best with presumably no real race car driving experience to “test drive” a $1.5 million dollar Ferrari out of your own personal collection?? If this is a marketing ploy to increase sales at the box office was it worth it to crash a car that was only produced 400 times? I mean really…the fuckin $10 million your movie is gonna make at the box office is not worth wrecking a Ferrari. The stunt worked in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off for shock value...but its not like they publicized the hell out of that scene before the movie came out.

I say we all boycott this movie (“Redline”) just because of the stupidity of the stunt. I’m not saying the crash was definitely intentional…but it doesn’t look like Griffin made much effort to steer the car away from the barrier. And I love Griffin’s pose in the picture above. It looks like he’s proud of what he did. Good job Eddie and Daniel...way to piss off all exotic car enthusiasts. Hope your movie goes well for you.