Finally a bill worth passing!

Firstly...how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it's well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.


A pigeon performing a "shit and run" in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a "pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city's pigeon-related complaints".

Now if the city had any brains at all they'd appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I'd effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I'd unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender's house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I'd lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I'd "humanely execute" all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time....they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I'm the only one with these thoughts? Think again.



Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There's countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the "heros" who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder's proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let's keep the damn pigeon population under control!

The votes are in...

And there's a new presidential candidate in town.

Fresh off Stephen Colbert withdrawing his nomination in the state of South Carolina for a possible presidential run, another candidate has filled his void.

This candidate is full of anger and hate but is a great debater and would instill fear into all who opposed him.

That candidate is none other than Angry Bear!



The Angry Bear has already been hitting the campaign trails with full force. His popularity, spurred by his appearance in the Borat movie, is growing by the day.



Although he'll need to act quickly to get all the support he can before he hibernates for the winter.

And he'll need to shed that grizzlied exterior too in favor of a softer look. Perhaps he can take a cue from Johnny Damon:



An appearance on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn't hurt either ;)

Wear it loud...wear it proud!

There's a shirt I've been looking for recently after watching a documentary on the Brooklyn Dodgers. It's an old "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" shirt. It had the Dodgers logo and was given to fans back in the 50s as a rallying cry to keep the Dodgers from moving from Brooklyn to L.A.

John found a replica of the shirt from this company called No Mas.



While it wasn't the shirt I was looking for, it is based on an authentic shirt that fans used to wear back then:



The website had a ton of other really random, cool t-shirts.

Here's a few of them I personally love:

The Amazing Mess


Even though the shirt is referring to the 86 Mets, I think it's quite appropriate given this year's collapse!


Tecmo Bo

Who can forget Tecmo Bo and he unstoppable hijinks in Tecmo Bowl! If you need a reminder on how good Bo was in Tecmo Bowl, here's a reminder for you (click to play).


Rated Rookie


Donruss' Rated Rookie cards were a hot commodity back in the days. I know I jumped for joy when I found a McGwire rated rookie in a pack of Donruss.

For those who don't remember what the cards looked like, here's an example:



Btw, is it just me or does Greg Maddux look strikingly (get it - he's a pitcher - strikingly - I'm a fuckin genius!) like Pedro in that picture?



Strawberry


Love the sarcasm of the whole "say no to drugs" and Strawberry angle. If only the picture had him AND Doc Gooden leaning against a "Coke" vending machine. Now that would be classic!

Although I think this picture would more exemplify a "Say No to Drugs" campaign!



And to think all three of those guys were the biggest stars in the heydays. How the mighty fall sometimes:

Food a-plenty

There's a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.



For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year's supply of syrup. (BTW...waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut - ha ha - I'm so witty) in a "Chicken Wing Chowdown" on Spike TV.



Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I'm soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal's to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi's 97 Krystal's in 8 minutes.



Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth's Cafe in Seattle.



The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I've made some doozy omelettes in my days but don't have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I'd like to tackle that one day.

I'm also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I'm gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there's a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I'm gonna have to bust out the "I Eat'M Raw" shirt for some extra inspiration.



Another challenge I'm up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle's Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese - a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that's nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.



It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I'd definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don't know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I'd like to embrace is the "World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner" at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I'm pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I'm not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don't make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)



(Btw...no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Some Friday Fun for y'all

It's Friday. You ain't got no job. And you ain't got shit to do!

Ok maybe you do have shit to do...but in any case wanted to end the week on a fun note.

First up is a shoplifting seagull.



"It seems this seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.

Since then, he's become a 'regular.' He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips, because they think it's so funny."

Nicely done Mr. Seagull. Reminds me of the time I used to steal those little half pint colored sugar drinks that were 25 cents from the Chinese grocery store. Although I was a little more discreet about it. That and they weren't as generous to let me run away when they caught me. Damn, if only I had been a seagull i would have gotten away with it.

Next up is a presidential quiz for you to take entitled "Should You Be President".

The quiz tests your stand on hot button election issues and how you rank them. It then tells you based on your responses which candidate you should support based on those responses. It also tells you how popular you would be based on your answers if you would run for president.

Pretty cool...it turns out according to my answers I would support Barack Obama as president. Although it turns out if I were to run for president, I would only receive 1.2% of the vote based on others who have taken the poll! Although that was higher than Giuliani, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul. So at least I wasn't dead last! :)


According to the poll my views would lead me to vote for Obama

(Thanks to faithful reader Alexis for sharing both the seagull shoplifter and the presidential poll. Nicely done.)

In other news, popular NYC entertainment/gossip site Metadish is up for sale.

The owner of the site, James Poling, is a very talented writer. Unfortunately it looks like another job will prevent him from updating the site on a regular basis.

The current bid for the site is $6,000 although you can buy the site now for $42,000. The site is up for auction and here's one of the selling points:

"Metadish also has its very own ad sales department that brings with it your own individual account rep that focuses on pitching Metadish to large clients to sell advertising space. The contract also GUARANTEES that the site will make a minimum net of $500/mo. You can keep this contract or discontinue it and go with something on your own."

I guess that's fairly impressive, considering the site does pull in over 500,000 page views per month. Although paying for an ad sales staff probably doesn't help the financials on the bottom line. So I couldn't imagine someone retaining the services of the account manager.

Had I had the time and the resources it wouldn't be a bad site to invest in. Plus I don't have that kind of capital laying around these days. Although I'm sure one of those gossipy type sites like Perez Hilton, the Gothamist or the Onion will just snatch it up.

But I wish both James and whoever purchases the site well.

Finally, special shout out of the week goes to a fellow by the name of Murphy, who in his comment on my "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" post coined the term "Utah Flapjacks". Well done my friend.

Murphy's comment was: "...No offense to any Oklahomians out there but seriously–Kansas is so bad it has to have restaurants named after Oklahoma? The whole world has gone mad. Next thing you know I’ll be in Montana eating at a Utah Flapjacks."

Of course I couldn't help but take that out of context. I instantly thought that Utah Flapjacks would be an awesome porn star name. Just think it could be a converted Mormon turned porn star. Perhaps she would look something like this:



You're onto something big Murphy!

Gimme More Collard Greens Mutha Fucka

So y'all heard by now Bill O'Reilly done said some racist things in the past few days.

If you haven't heard, O'Reilly was having dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton up at Sylvia's, which is a soul food restaurant in Harlem (one of the best soul food restaurants around).

O'Reilly was quoted saying "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship."

O'Reilly continued "You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all,"

O'Reilly even added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea."



Now I don't know what types of restaurants O'Reilly has been in before with black folk, but its plainly clear he was out of touch. What did he expect, people to be climbing all over the seats, swinging from the chandeliers, stealing food off each other's plates? I mean bitch, this ain't no Chuck-E-Cheese or IHOP, this is Sylvia's. Soul Food at it's finest. If you wanted chaos and people cursing at each other then you need to go to Popeye's or the B-K up in Harlem. Then people be all up in ya grillz asking for change and throwing chicken bones around.

I mean I mostly joking of course but you get my point. It's crazy that someone in this day and age thinks it's an "amazing thing" that a restaurant run by "blacks" and frequented by "blacks" can be just as "civilized" as a "white run restaurant".

I mean, Bill...last time I checked you were a business guy and you surely know that "blacks" hold CFO, President, CEO, and other highly influential positions in business. Hell aren't there special publishing features and media reports devoted to the top companies run by minorities? I can't believe you'd be that out of touch with civilization that you think every establishment run by a "minority" is run like a zoo. Now granted there is your occassional exception or two but seriously man...I'm disappointed.


Yo bitch, where my collard greens at!

All I know is that I'm thinking about wearing a Bill O'Reilly costume for this Halloween. I'll show up to Sylvia's or some other "black run restaurant". I'll scream at the workers "yo, motha fucka, where the fuck my chitlins and collard greens at". Everyone will have a good time and laugh. And then I'll take off my costume and sit and enjoy my meal like a civilized human being.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to seek out some fried chicken for lunch. All this talk about it has put me in the mood for some finger lickin goodness!

Cute? Or Bent on World Domination?


So apparently a giant Lego emerged from the sea at a resort in Amsterdam

No one has been able to identify where LegoMan originated from, but one woman speculated that the LegoMan came from the UK.

I personally love his shirt that says "No real than you are".

I mean could that make anymore of a political statement? LegoMan is basically telling us that like him, we're just a piece of plastic on this earth.

The smile is quite devious too...so you wonder if it's really a spy LegoMan sent from a neighboring country like the UK. It's no secret that the English and the Dutch don't get along. Actually in Ireland last year I heard this guy refer to his friend from Amsterdam as a "Dutch Fucker" (make your own assumptions on what that means).

So this very well could be a "Trojan Horse" trick pulled by the English. If so, it would be a huge boon for the Brits, whose last "Trojan Rabbit" trick during Monty Python and the Holy Grail failed miserably.


The LegoMan trick could be a re-do for the botched King Arthur Trojan Rabbit debacle

Some Like It Hot

I like it not.

Seriously...it's a wicked scorcher out there (as my friends from Beantown would say). This morning's commute was ridiculous as none of the subways were running and the lines for the buses stretched longer than most lines for American Idol auditions. So being a crafty Harlemite, I walked my way up to the Metro North stop at 125th and hopped on a train coming downtown. Not only was it nice and airconditioned, I didn't have to pay a dime. Although after walking 20 blocks to the Metro North in the swamp that they called air this morning, and after walking another 10 blocks to my office after the train ride, my shirt had stretched out beyond all belief. It looks more like a nightgown rather than a cotton polo shirt. Hence why lunch was eaten at my desk today courtesy of some leftover wonton shop, a peanut butter balance bar I got for free in a promotion yesterday and one of those pre-cooked and breaded Purdue Chicken Cutlets - eaten cold right out of the packaging.


No need to heat these bad boys, just peel the plastic and eat!

Needless to say I'm less than satisfied...although I really don't feel like venturing out into the heat at the moment. The country is baking right now...in fact just looked at the current weather map and there's more red on the map than in Reagan's 1984 presidential win over Mondale.


This might as well be the current weather map for the U.S.

Although I did manage to crack myself up earlier. After the pools of sweat were beginning to bead up on my arms, I started singing "Some Like it Hot" to myself. You know, that song by Power Station (later sung by Robert Palmer) back in the 80s.

Sing along with me now:

Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on...
Some feel the heat and decide that they can't go on...
Some like it hot, but you can't tell how hot 'til you try...
Some like it hot, so let's turn up the heat 'til we fry

Feeeeeeeeeeel the heat.
Pushing you to decide (is that what they really said? huh, never knew that)

Feeeeeeeeel the heat.
Burning you up, ready or not.

The big "trade" of the day

So as some of you know (and some don't) today was MLB's trading deadline and activity across the league was fast and furious. The Yankees shedded beloved everyday pitcher Scott Proctor for utilityman Wilson Betemit from the Dodgers. The Red Sox were winners in the Eric Gagne sweepstakes shedding away two minor leaguers for an former All-Star and save machine. The Braves and Rangers traded mexican for italian, as Mark "Tex-Mex" Teixeira was traded to the Braves for a few players including Jarrod "Saltimbocca" Saltalamacchia. I'm sure the folks in Texas will just LOVE pronouncing his last name for years to come.

But the real winners today my friends weren't any professional sports teams (including the Celtics who traded about 30 players and half of Southie for Kevin Garnett). No...the real trade win came today in New Jersey, where needle users got the right to exchange dirty needles for clean ones!

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/07/31/ap3971886.html

No longer should intravenous drug users have to suffer with dirty needles they pick off the streets! Now they can get that shiny ass, clean as a whistle, pointy ended new needle in which to inject drug after drug into their already drug ridden bodies!

Apparently New Jersey was the last state without a "legal way for drug users to get clean syringes". Never knew that. Although I'm sure they've had tons of other problems to deal with. Like asshole drivers who nearly kill their Governer or drive into toll booth barriers. Or fits of rage over a TV show who brought back the infamous "cut to black". Yes, the "armpit of NYC" had much deeper problems to worry about rather than spending tax dollars on supplying drug addicts with clean needles.

But I guess in medical terms, this "clean needle exchange" program was the trade of the day. Now I just need to find that pile of syringes I collected from the beach last week so I can trade them in for some new ones!

He's the Man!

No...not talking about A-Rod who hit the game winning HR last night in the 9th inning to beat the Red Sox (long after I had turned the TV off in disgust).

Nor am I talking about Vladimir Putin, who is doing his best to touch off "Cold War II". (and frankly we could use another cold war...I'm longing for the return of the USA vs Russia arcade game!)


Perhaps a new cold war can spark the return of the USA vs Russia arcade hockey game!

No...I'm talking about the (cue Michael Buffer voice) New, International Hot Dog Eating Champion of the World....Joey "The Tsunami" Chestnut!


Ladies & Gentlemen, your new hot dog eating champion!

Chestnut shattered Kobayashi's record over the weekend by eating an amazing 59 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes in a "warm up" for the Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest! Read the news article here: http://origin.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_6048231.

Chestnut, who is one of my favorite competitive eaters due to him being the Krystal eating Champion of the world (Krystal is similar to White Castle), bettered Kobayashi's record by a whopping 6 hot dogs! Watching Chestnut compete against Kobayashi last year at Coney Island was special, because no one's even come close to beating Kobayashi in recent memory. Chestnut lost to Kobayashi by a hot dog and a half last year so there was hope that he could dethrone Kobayashi this year at Coney Island. In fact the only "person" who has beaten Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest was actually an animal, a brown bear to be exact, who destroyed Kobayashi on that TV show Man vs Animal on FOX a few years back (click the link to play video from that contest)


The only competitor to beat Kobayashi in Hot Dog eating was a bear

But Chestnut is now the new "king of the hot dog" and watching him and Kobayashi go toe-to-toe (or mouth to mouth) on July 4th for the title should be awesome.


This year you can guarantee Kobayashi will be signaling Chestnut is the man!

No more Freedom Fries!

So with the news over the weekend that conservative, and pro-American Nicolas Sarkozy was elected as the new French President, I guess it’s time we all finally say goodbye to the Freedom Fry.

If you remember, freedom fries were concocted after the French refused to show any sympathy or support for the US after 9/11. Many irate U.S. congressmen decided that the French were so appauling by their non-support that we could no longer refer to anything with French in its name.





Everything and anything French had become taboo.

French fries became freedom fries

French toast became freedom toast

French poodles were massacred by the dozens. Those French poodles who escaped the massacres were called Freedom Poodles

French dressing was banned and all containers containing French dressing were relabeled Thousand Island dressing (since half of American citizens can’t tell the damn difference between the two anyway).

French braids were banned. Anyone wearing French braids was sent to the gallows to be hung

French kissing was banned. Anyone caught French kissing had their tongues sliced off.

French Dips were aptly renamed “Roast Beef sandwiches dipped in an American made gravy”.

The movie French Kiss was banned from all video store shelves.


Even Meg Ryan felt the wrath of the Anti-French movement

Even Vidal Sassoon products were boycotted and his salons were torched. It was a bad time in American culture as we basically committed genocide against anything that had French in its name or even sounded remotely French. But now that France has basically taken a tumble in the past few years, with high unemployment rates, a struggling economy and racial tensions running rampant, the French people actually used Democracy to dictate a change. And their voices were heard loud and clear by electing Sarkozy – a pro-American politician who now faces the daunting task of turning his country around.

So citizens of France: We forgive you for basically turning your backs on us after we saved your asses in WWII. We forgive you for not willing to send any of your troops or offer assistance against our “war on terror”. We even forgive you for giving us Tony Parker who basically stole our hottest American girl away from us (Eva Longoria). We do not forgive you however for Frederic Weis, who inexplicably was the Knicks draft choice in 1999 and who refused to play basketball in the NBA thus causing the Knicks to waste a pick. The fact that you even produced a 7 footer in France is incredibly shameful considering how “soft” your country has become. I mean he should have been ruthless on the court, like a Napoleon or Marie Antoinette. Instead he was softer than Charmin. Don’t believe us? Well just watch Vince Carter basically jump OVER him during the 2000 Olympics when the U.S. played France:



Anyway, except for Mr. Weis, we forgive you French people. On behalf of all American citizens living on the mainland and abroad, I’m happy to officially announce our truce with France and the abolition of the Freedom Fry once and for all!

Viva la French Fry!

Viva la France!

Also want to send out happy birthday wishes to Tom and to Jason. Or in Jason’s case it’s: Taredartzet shnorhavor!