What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.



Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.



I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

Friday Fashion Lesson

I reckon y'all need a fashion lesson this Friday courtesy of my friends down in Fort Worth.

First, start with your favorite pair of boots:



Then grab your favorite cowboy hat:



Don your preferred leather jacket:


And you're ready to hit the town running:


That's how we roll down at the Stockyards y'all.

GoogleZon

Sorry guys, been a crazy work day today. That and I'm off to Dallas for the weekend to watch my beloved Cowboys try to hang in there vs the Patriots.

But some "quickies" to share before I depart (and not of the sexual kind unfortunately).

First, on the train this morning I'm standing against the door. I'm wearing a green t-shirt and off-white cargo shorts (yes shorts...it's still in the 50s/60s which is still shorts weather in my book. Keep looking at me like I'm a freak there assholes). Anyway this blond chick gets on the subways wearing the same color combination as me! She's wearing a similarly colored green top and white pants! Not only that but the bitch has the audacity to stand right next to me! Unreal.

So now we're standing there like two dofusses dressed alike.



THANK GOD she got off in just two stops. I mean really...who the fuck wears white pants after labor day? Com'on now!

Speaking of unreal and outfits. This lady sitting across from me on the train the other night had on one of those straw hats.

Everytime she moved her head, she'd poke one of the straws into the guy or the lady sitting next to her. They were getting so pissed. Who the fuck wears a hat like that on the subway (well unless you want space of course). I was trying not to laugh so I just calmly whipped it out and took a picture.



If I were sitting next to her though I probably wouldn't have been laughing. Nothing like getting poked in the eye with some straw to start your evening commute home!

Anyway saw an article today that General Electric is looking to part ways with NBC. According to the article in MediaPost Publications by Wayne Friedman, "GE will consider an NBC sale after the network airs the Beijing Olympics next year...
Who would buy? Surely the usual suspects, like Time Warner, have been bandied about, since it's a large media company without a full-fledged broadcast network -- just one-half of one, the CW. Previously, Time Warner wholly owned the WB. But consider other bigger, perhaps more unusual players. There's Google, Microsoft, Facebook, or some other new contraption of a media company looking to put a new spin on an old -- but still promising -- entertainment platform. This would make sense. While those new Internet/tech companies always get the buzz, they really aren't ready to delve into the tricky world of TV program - or content -- development. Yahoo tried to go that route and didn't get very far. Even for a company like Google, which seems to grow larger and larger by promising advertising networks and marketing solutions to smaller and smaller companies, NBC - or for that matter any network -- is still an attractive option because those old entertainment companies can still get big mass audiences with one hit show."

Now this is exactly what I've been telling anyone who listens to the shit that pours out of my mouth. Google is looking to take over the world.

If you haven't seen this video piece from the Center of Media Research you should. It talks about Google merging with Amazon to create "GoogleZon" which would basically control all the custom content you read and receive. It also talks about the New York Times eventually trying to sue Google and losing, leaving Google as the only powerhouse left in the media world.

Click here to view the video.

It may not be all true...but definitely interesting, especially given Google's desire to snap up everything in it's power.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

GO COWBOYS! You can do it!

Wear it loud...wear it proud!

There's a shirt I've been looking for recently after watching a documentary on the Brooklyn Dodgers. It's an old "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" shirt. It had the Dodgers logo and was given to fans back in the 50s as a rallying cry to keep the Dodgers from moving from Brooklyn to L.A.

John found a replica of the shirt from this company called No Mas.



While it wasn't the shirt I was looking for, it is based on an authentic shirt that fans used to wear back then:



The website had a ton of other really random, cool t-shirts.

Here's a few of them I personally love:

The Amazing Mess


Even though the shirt is referring to the 86 Mets, I think it's quite appropriate given this year's collapse!


Tecmo Bo

Who can forget Tecmo Bo and he unstoppable hijinks in Tecmo Bowl! If you need a reminder on how good Bo was in Tecmo Bowl, here's a reminder for you (click to play).


Rated Rookie


Donruss' Rated Rookie cards were a hot commodity back in the days. I know I jumped for joy when I found a McGwire rated rookie in a pack of Donruss.

For those who don't remember what the cards looked like, here's an example:



Btw, is it just me or does Greg Maddux look strikingly (get it - he's a pitcher - strikingly - I'm a fuckin genius!) like Pedro in that picture?



Strawberry


Love the sarcasm of the whole "say no to drugs" and Strawberry angle. If only the picture had him AND Doc Gooden leaning against a "Coke" vending machine. Now that would be classic!

Although I think this picture would more exemplify a "Say No to Drugs" campaign!



And to think all three of those guys were the biggest stars in the heydays. How the mighty fall sometimes:

My own empire

A few months back ESR-W came back from a trip to Europe with a tearout of a magazine. The tearout was of a fragrance entitled: Jette by Night



I laughed of course being that's my last name and kept it aside for a keepsake.

Well more recently I saw another ad for Jette by Night, but this time for a shower and body gel!



So I decided to look up the product. Lo and behold the product is a huge sensation throughout Europe! No way! Not only is it a fragrance, body and shower gel, but there's also jewelry, clothing, footwear, eyewear and even skates! Crazy!

I found out the designer is a lady named Jette Joop so she named all of her product line after herself (although secretly I think she named the products after me!). In fact, the designer is so popular she throws huge bashes when a new product line is launched!



It's crazy. And since it's a European based company they definitely use sex to sell "my product". Take a look at these hot 'adverts':





I'm thrilled my product is all about the high fashion. Especially the roller skates.


My skates are off the hook!

Obviously it's all one big coincidence that the product line is named after me. But regardless it seems like this "imposture" is making quite a living off using my name. Maybe I'll have to consult my attorneys to get some royalties. I mean she's gotta be raking in millions!

So Ms. Joop or Ms. Jette...or whatever you go by, just remember, as Brooke Astor said: "Money is like manure, it should be spread around."

Excuse me sir...

I think your pants are falling off your ass.



What? They're meant to be that way? Well I'll be damned. Kids these days and their wacky fashions.

Speaking of wacky fashion...what's the deal with gladiator sandals? Seriously.



I mean the pair above costs $1,200! All for what? Unless you're starring in the next sequel of Gladiator or vacationing in Rome during the time of the Roman Empire, I see no reason why this should be in style. Let alone paying over a grand for them. What's the difference between that shoe and sticking your foot in a slinky?



Sticking your foot in a slinky would be a lot more affordable and just as stylish. Maybe it's just me...but paying over $1,000 for some cheap metal wrapped around your leg isn't that appealing. I mean Lindsay Lohan had some pretty mean metal wrapped around her ankle and look where it got her: a one way ticket to federal "pound me in the ass" prison. Maybe the female visitors to this blog could enlighten me a bit on this current fashion trend?

What a "Pant-load"!

Chalk this one up to the ole Jay Leno "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?". It seems that a judge in Washington D.C. is suing a dry cleaners for losing a pair of his pants.

The suit is for $54 million dollars!

Yes...a judge is suing a dry cleaners for $54 million. You read that right.

The $54 million breaks down as follows:

The judge believes he is entitled to $1,500 for each day during which the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign and another sign promising "Same Day Service" was up in the store -- more than 1,200 days since he's had his prized pants (he's also multiplying each violation by three because he's suing the husband and wife owners and their son.)

He also wants $500,000 in emotional damages and $542,500 in legal fees, even though he is representing himself in court.

He wants $15,000 for 10 years' worth of weekend car rentals as well, so he can transport his dry cleaning to another store.

All for a pair of pants that the dry cleaners say were found and they tried to return to him, but they were denied.

The judge is suing on the grounds that he has had "mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort" since he couldn't wear his favorite pair of pants on his first day on the job.

Apparently the judge was also banned from these same dry cleaners just a few years prior after he had another problem with a lost pair of pants. And he begged them to reallow him to be a customer since the judge doesn't drive and these are the most convenient dry cleaners for him.

Anyway the case has been in trial for the past week or so. The judge, acting as his own lawyer, called 60+ witnesses to the stand to testify against the dry cleaners in question. You can read some of the testimony and response to the story on: http://blog.washingtonpost.com/offbeat/

How this guy is able to practice law is beyond me. Just shows you what a fuckin farse our legal system is when assholes like this are able to get appointed. I hope the judge decides that he owes the dry cleaners $54 million...just for being an asshole.

Actually his punishment should be he has to hand wash all of the clothing in the dry cleaners for a year. That would teach him to sue.

Queer Eye for the "Street Guy"

So once again I've managed to run into Carson Kressley. This time he walked by me on 34th and Lexington as I was out for a midday stroll during lunch. I would have said hi to him but he was on the phone. So I did what any responsible citizen would do. I took a picture of him hailing a cab!

Maybe I can be one of those tabloid journalists right now for the Enquirer or Star.


Ooooooh look it's Carson Kressley hailing a cab in his summer finest.


Carson successfully hails a cab!!!!

Maybe there's something to this whole paparazzi thing afterall...hmm...

Dancin' Fool

Before I begin...a big asshole of the day goes to the lady who blatently cut me off on the way up the stairs getting off the 6 train at 33rd street this morning. Not only did she cut me off when there was no one behind me. She then proceeded slowly up the stairs in the middle of the stairway so I could neither pass her left or right. Then when she got to the top of the stairs, she was confused about where she was so she just stopped and stood there while I almost plowed into her. Then she shuffled her feet slowly in the same direction I was heading. Thanks lady...so glad you cut me off only to not know where the fuck you're going. Smart move.

Anyway...today is Friday...which is casual Friday in my office. So that means you can wear jeans (no official verdict on whether Hawaiian shirts are allowed). However today I'm breaking the rules. I'm being a rebel. I'm wearing shorts. Yes shorts. Why? Because why should guys have to suffer wearing collared shirts and pants why girls get to wear next to nothing on hot summer days. Like it's fair that I have to sweat my ass off in pants on a 90 degree day while some girl gets to wear a wife beater and a loose skirt. As Al Bundy would say...No Ma'am! Granted some may say they don't want to see a guy's flabby arms and hairy legs...and girls are much better to look at. But I have nice legs...so why shouldn't I be able to show them off too? Plus there's next to no ventilation in this office so I'd be a much more productive employee at a cooler temperature rather then having to worry about sweating through my shirt and pants. So today, shorts it is unless someone has the guts to tell me otherwise. I think I smell a reform in the workplace coming on. Men of the world UNITE!

So I was shocked to see that Akeelah didn't win the spelling bee last night. I knew it was rigged! But I got home in time to watch the last finalists duke it out. Here's one of the last contestants getting bounced from the competition.



And here's the eventual champion spelling his final word for the title.



Although if you didn't see it, the new champion, Evan O'Dorney gave one of the worst post winning interviews ever. Granted he was probably in shock. But Stuart Scott asked him what prepared him for this competition. And the kid, stumbling with a "just going through puberty like any teenage boy would voice" was like...umm...i like math...and the construction of math equations helped me learn how to break down words. It was painful to listen too. I actually turned the TV off. Poor kid. But congrats to him. You're now gonna be forever known as that Spelling Bee kid. Good luck getting your ass kicked in High School...see how fast you can spell wedgie.

The other painful TV moment last night came during Do You Think You Can Dance. I flipped through the channels just in time to see this doozy of an audition:



Um...yeah...she got moves that's for sure. She put Chris Brown too shame fa shizzle for nizzle. Although what you missed in this clip was Shane (one of the judges) saying...Do you know this competition? Do you know what we're looking for? The girl shook her head no. We're looking for athletic dancers. Not overweight dancers. You're gonna get killed on this show.

Ouch...brutually honest. Had this been American Idol there would have been a huge uproar. But since no one is watching Think You Can Dance, I'm sure not a peep will be made. Not even from the Fat Persons of America Coalition. But definitely a very "holy crap did he just say that" TV moment right there. Good stuff.

Anyway, it's Friday. The weekend is here. Time to slather on that tanning oil or SPF 2000 and soak up some rays...and some alcohol! Remember, as this sign says:


Your liver is evil and must be destroyed!

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Mow Em’ Down

Howdy everyone! I’m finally back from my jaunt over to London and let me tell you I’m glad to see the sun again. I almost forgot what it looked like. I think I saw the sun for a total of 15 minutes over a 4 day period in London. No joke. Maybe the Upper Uncton Bundy curse is still on.

Anyway have some great stories to share over the next few days with you all, but wanted to comment about some of the profound differences I found between London and New York. One of the major differences I saw right away was the lack of fat people. Seriously, is there anyone in London that weighs over 200 pounds? If you switched transportation systems and placed London tubes/underground in New York half the people wouldn’t be able to fit through the doors let alone fit in the seats! It’s crazy, some of the half doors that open on the trains, I was inches away from having to carry a stick of butter with me to fit through the door (if I have to explain that reference to you, you’re reading the wrong blog!).

And then there’s the seats themselves. The padding on the chairs is a great touch and the arm rests are great. But good luck to any fat people. I think the max someone can be to squeeze into a seat on the Tube is 250 pounds. At most.


My sister on the skinny seat person tube. You think John Pinette would fit in those seats? I think not.

Anyone weighing over 250 pounds their fat would literally start spilling over the arm rests. I know, disgusting sight. But it’s the truth. But can’t say I actually saw anyone over 250 pounds on the Tube to prove my theory.


The tube is a great way to get around London, unless you’re fat

That and no one has an ass out in London. Everyone’s ass is flat as a board. Both Bridget and my sister noticed that, and then when I paid attention I noticed that too. Crazy. Maybe that’s why the Tubes are so narrow…no worries about anyone’s “badunkadunk” getting in the way.

The second difference between New York and London has to do with pedestrians. In New York, pedestrians rule the roost. We can stop traffic just by crossing the street and cause traffic jams all by ourselves by refusing to let cars pass as soon as the Walk sign appears. In London, however , pedestrians are lower on the food chain than ants. Seriously. So much as place a toe out into the street and say goodbye to your digit. You WILL get run down. Besides the whole getting used to looking the other way for traffic nonsense, there’s no stepping off the curb in London to get a head start on crossing the street. Cars DON’T slow down. They speed up. Buses, cabs, bicycles, you name it. Crossing a busy street in London is like trying to play Level 20 in Frogger…you’re inches away from being road kill. In NYC, you have a better chance because cars will at least swerve to avoid you once in a while. But in London, fughetaboutit. Even as a brazen New York who will cross in the most adverse conditions I kept my feet planted on the curb in London.


If you're confused by the signs, don't step off the curb in London

This just in...I found out through a friend there are indeed fat people in London. Found out they live in the South somewhere away from the fashion-centric inner city. They just take the roomier commuter trains and avoid the Tube at all costs. Whew...glad to know not everyone out there is a stick figure.

There's plenty more fun stories coming your way, including a bar fight between a 300 pound Russian and a 150 pound Indian so stay tuned!

Queer Eye for the Subway Guy

So last night I was taking the 6 train downtown at the 33rd Street station. I had just missed a train so I was reading our latest issue of Field & Stream and leaning against one of the subway stations posts. No one was really on the platform so it was nice and empty for a change.

After a minute or so of standing there I hear some footsteps coming towards me. I look up from the magazine and see a very well dressed man about 25 feet away in a blue, 8 button trenchcoat and khaki pants walking towards me. His hands were in his pockets and he was walking very briskly with a proper, upright walk. I see combed-back blond hair and a slightly tanned complexion. I squint (I didn’t have my glasses on) and oh my god…it’s Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!


Carson brought fashion to the 6 train last night

No, it can’t be? On the subway of all places? I look down at my magazine and look up again…and he’s now 10 feet away from me. He shoots me a quick look and then looks straight ahead. I must have given him a deer in headlights look as I tried to confirm it was definitely him. Before I could say “Hey Carson” he continues his brisk walk down the subway platform.

Is this terribly exciting? No not really, except for the fact I never have celebrity sightings. Let alone actually recognize a celebrity in the first place. Although I’m sure Carson took one look at me and saw a tragically dressed figure with my $29.99 black Slates pants from Macy’s with one of the hems falling off the cuff, a $50 pair of imitation designer black dress loafers bought at DSW, my 4 year old grey crew neck Banana Republic Sweater that is so stretched out Professor Klump could fit in it and my blue and white Columbia ski jacket on. Figures the one person in this world who makes a living judging fashion and there I am, dressed worse than most homeless people! I’m sure his pair of socks probably cost more than my entire outfit!


Professor Klump looked like a GQ model compared to how I was dressed!

I’m not the one to be star struck having been around “celebrities” for most of my teenage years working in the Catskills (if you consider the likes of John Pinette, Howie Mandel, Air Supply, Frankie Valle, among many others “celebrities” of course!). And actually I probably would have asked Carson how the show was doing or if they needed another male volunteer for the show (my wardrobe could use some serious help!). But thanks to not having my glasses on and not expecting the celebrity sighting, I may have missed my one chance to get a fashion makeover! Dammit.

Oh well…pretty funny though, he’s the last person I’d expect to be riding the subways. It appears that he got off at Union Square so I’m sure he was hounded then by all those “hippie chic NYU-sters”. But it was nice to see a celebrity for a change. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see them running around!