Pizza Pizza

So our friends at the ACLU (that would be the Ass Clowns Leaveusthefuckalone Union) are at it again. This time they've produced a very tongue-in-cheek example of what ordering pizza could be like in the year 2010. (click link or image to play)



Basically the guy calls up his local pizzeria, the Pizza Palace, and they have his whole history on file, including his health conditions (among them impotence - very funny ACLU) and a warning from his insurance provider that the Double Meat Special pizza he wants is bad for him and thus he'll have to pay an extra "Health Surcharge" for his pies.

Now while this is meant to be nothing more than a "holy shit, let's stop this from happening now" fluff piece from our favorite Asshole Cleaning Lickers Union, it could very well happen in the not so distant future. Especially if that whole "GoogleZon" idea ever comes to fruition.

But for now, take heart that invasion of privacy such like this is probably way down the road. So don't listen to what the "We do more harm in the world than good" cocksuckers have to say.

In fact we should concentrate on more important things than trying to find "civil liberties" for humankind. Like, for example, eliminating the sounds of farts in public. Now THAT'S something we can all get 'behind' right?

Well now we can. All we need to do is purchase some Toot Tones and all of our pesky fart noises would turn into cheerful, harmless cell phone rings!



Now all we need to do is find a way to turn our 'gas emissions' into some sort of usable environmentally friendly substance that could fuel our automobiles. Now that would be extemely practicable! Just think, when you can say "I have enough gas in me to get me to Pittsburgh", you could really mean it!

Ain't no bagel worth no $1,000

Na ah. A bagel worth one large? Fuggetaboutit.

But it's the truth son.

Some fancy pants chef created this so called "$1,000 bagel" using white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Say what?



The bagel is the brainchild of chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel. Apparently proceeds from the bagel go to some foundation for aspiring chefs. But regardless could you imagine just asking for a bagel and cream cheese and having to whip out 10 benjamins to pay for it? Grandma Ruthie would have a heart attack. I mean a bagel with lox these days is expensive enough!

But, $1,000 for a bagel is just a drop in the bucket compared to this $25,000 hot chocolate!



Apparently this hot chocolate served at Seredipity (where else) called a "Frrozen Haute Chocolate," is a mixture of 28 types of cocoas, 14 which apparently are the "most expensive and exotic from around the globe". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize there were more exotic brands of hot chocolate than Ghirardelli. Fuck, I don't think I get much more fancy than the 60 pack of Swiss Miss.

If that's not enough, the dessert is "infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound."

Oh and to top it off, "it is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home."

What the fuck. That shit better give you an instant orgasm in your pants and better get you laid all night...especially after paying $25k for that shit! You know how many women you can get at one time with $25k??? (Wait before you answer that, I forgot that's not even a drop in the bucket apparently at Scores, where that poor bastard ran up a $250,000 tab a few years back). How the fuck did he do that again?

And I'm sorry...if I'm buying my significant other a bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds, I sure as hell ain't covering that shit in any chocolate or whipped cream. Talk about devalueing a piece of jewelry. Do that with a piece of shit piece of jewelry you buy at the mall or at Spencer's Gifts that ain't cost more than $1.

Ridiculous. Really. There's millions of starving people out there, and assholes are buying desserts and bagels for thousands of dollars. No wonder why so many people hate Americans.

"Cult" of Personality



So I'm stealing a line from one of my most favorite songs of all time, Living Colour's Cult of Personality.

Although the cult I'm referring to are the fans that inhabit Darrel Royal Stadium at the University of Texas, Austin.

I was last at a Longhorns game about 5 years ago and was amazed by how every single fan knew every single chant and battle hymn. Coming from a I-AA football school, we were lucky if students remembered when the team was actually at home.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to another Longhorns game this past weekend, as we were down in Austin celebrating Rich's bachelor party. We saw UT take on perennial powerhouse Nebraska, who themselves have been struggling of late.

The hotel we stayed at (the Days Inn University) was packed full of Nebraska fans who made the trip down south. However, not wanting to be the enemies of 80,000 fans that pack into the stadium, we decide to don the home burnt orange and white.


The crew donning the burnt orange and white

We ended up tailgating at Sholz Garten before the game...which was this huge facility with a large backyard picnic type area with hundreds of peeps packed in. They had a large indoor hall with a big screen TV, where diehards were glued to one of the games. Outside they had a few bars with bbq grills. After waiting in line for 20 minutes for a pulled pork sandwich at one of the pits, I grabbed a seat and took a bite. However said pulled pork was kinda cold and very fatty. Definitely not an appetizing snack whatsoever, especially added to the fact I waited 20 minutes to get it.


The disappointing pulled pork at Sholz

Other than that the beer was great (kudos for having Spaten Oktoberfest on draft!) and the atmosphere was pretty kick ass!

(side rant coming: everything in Austin is made to order. Nothing is cooked ahead of time. While this is a nice touch, it adds completely unnecessary delays, especially at a tailgate or even at the game itself. The lines all day were ridiculous, because even soda from the fountain was made to order. They even ran out of hotdogs and pretzels before half time because they didn't keep filling the machines. At Sholz, they made the burgers to order. So they waited for someone to order before throwing it on the grill. Now, when you have a line, of lets say 50 people or so, good planning dictates more than half of them will be getting a burger when it's one of the 5 items you offer up. Dont'cha think you should have a bunch grilling and ready to rock, instead of having people stand there for 20 minutes? I mean I appreciate the "human touch", I really do. But let's talk about efficiencies here people. Think ahead. Prepare. Don't run out of fuckin hotdogs at a football game. Thanks).

Back to football. Even though the team is struggling a bit this season, the fans were rapid from the opening ceremonies. The old PeeWee favorite "The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...Deep in the Heart of Texas" gets the crowd singing along, young and old alike. Not even at a professional football game will you find the crowd as pumped up before the game even starts than you will at UT. Case in point, when the players emerge from the tunnel and head across the field for a pre-game prayer, the fans pray with them.



It's not all that surprising considering that in a state like Texas, football and god go hand-in-hand.








The Longhorns ended up winning the game 28-25. Nebraska actually had a lead in the second half with momentum, but couldn't capitalize on a Interception around midfield as their drive stalled and ultimately UT took advantage of their superior talent in the game.



There's some more stories to share, including how it took us over an hour to get food served to us at two different locations over the weekend...so stay tuned!

Move Bitch, Get out the way

Today's post is dedicated to all of those assholes who get in the way.

Like the guy who was arrested a few years back for blocking traffic on the sidewalk.

The pedestrian in question, Matthew Jones, "was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest -- by flailing his arms-- on June 12, 2004. Police said other people "had to walk around" him, and he wouldn't move when asked." He is currently appealing his arrest.

Well I'm glad he went to the slammer. Had he followed the proper rules of pedestrian engagement and wasn't a douchebag maybe he would have avoided getting a plunger stuck up his ass.

Next up is this fat ass who got in the way of a sixty-nine:



Good job 55. Fuckin fat ass. All I wanted was a picture of a 6-9 and you ruined it. Don't you know there's only two people in a sixty-nine...unless you're in a Utah porn or something (btw, someone got to my blog recently by searching for Utah porn. Not sure why Utah porn is so special. Maybe it's because of all the mormons. hmm...)

Another guy who needs to go the fuck home is this guy:



"The protest was not without its superfans. Joaquin Ferreira, 54, of Brooklyn, arrived decked out in a Yankees hat and jacket. A fan for 10 years, he said, “I’m here to support Joe Torre. If Joe leaves, the Yankees will go to hell.”

Wait a minute...Superfan? 10 years?? Are you fucking kidding me?!? So let's see...hmm...10 years ago was 1997. Oh WAIT, that was ONE year AFTER the Yankees won the World Series. OH so that qualifies him as a superfan??? That Bandwagon jumping muthafucka? Un real. So he's been a fan just as long as Joe Torre has been a manager with the team. Nice. Good intelligent writing AM New York. Oh and look, the person who wrote the article is a Newsday writer. The pinaccle of sports journalism. What a joke. Calling him a super fan is like calling boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ funny. (LK- there you go, I took a shot at her. Third in the voting for funniest blog my ass.)

Another person who needs to get out of the way is this asshole that had a sign that said "Cowboys Bound 4 Superbowl".



Good job genius. Hope some Patriot fans shoved that up your ass after the game. Moron. Why don't you wait until we've actually made the playoffs before declaring a trip to the Superbowl. Oh, wait...you must be a "superfan" too like the douche above. Let me guess, you started being a Cowboys fan in '93? And no true fan goes to the game with a sign that calls out the network that's calling the game. Fuck face.

Oh and btw...why that girl was announcing to the world that she's a Homo Sexual is beyond me. I mean she's cute and all and some chick would be lucky to have her as a partner. But seriously, honey, saying you're a homo sexual with a big sign is probably not the best way to get on TV.

So you need to be naked to be famous these days



So I just heard about this (am I the fuckin last to know? Guess that's what I get for not reading the Post!).

Apparently last Friday some ad agency worker had a meltdown and walked around the streets of Manhattan naked:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/10132007/news/regionalnews/nude_nut_had_bad_bare_day.htm





According to the article, Josh Drimmer, 26, "temporarily lost his senses and that he was just having a really bad day...It was an extreme panic attack brought on by days of not sleeping. I had a bad day."

Now, I've worked my fair share of bad days in agency land but never took to the streets naked as a result. I may have done some swearing and maybe even broken a pencil or two (don't tell!) but that's gotta be some kinda meltdown to go to Times Square in the nude.

Unless he was just trying to show up the Naked Cowboy.



But apparently this may not have been Mr. Drimmer's first nude appearance in public. According to the article, Drimmer, a Yale graduate, was in a group called the "Pundits" where there were naked parties with party goers hanging out in the nude.

Mr. Drimmer is also a fellow blogger. He writes a blog, "Excellence Makes Wack Irrelevant" which he classifies as "some jottings, findings, and sharp darts thrown by Josh Drimmer, playwright, pontificator, patriot."

Although he hasn't updated his blog in quite some time so needless to say he's "petered out" on the whole blogging experience? Hey-oh! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here till Friday, try the veal.

Anyway, this guy is now a mega celebrity. He even caught the eye of this police officer who apparently thinks he's a "detective":


Notice the officer on the left "inspecting" the package

Easy there officer. If you stare at it too long it'll make you go blind. Or is that what they say about masterbating too much? Can't remember.

Anyway, am I jealous at his new found fame? Sure. But until I get into "nudity baring" shape I promise I'll spare my fellow New Yorkers of me running around in the buff. Unless I need the publicity of course. Cause then I can just chalk it up to a bad day.

I leave you, Mr. Drimmer, with some words to live by:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

GoogleZon

Sorry guys, been a crazy work day today. That and I'm off to Dallas for the weekend to watch my beloved Cowboys try to hang in there vs the Patriots.

But some "quickies" to share before I depart (and not of the sexual kind unfortunately).

First, on the train this morning I'm standing against the door. I'm wearing a green t-shirt and off-white cargo shorts (yes shorts...it's still in the 50s/60s which is still shorts weather in my book. Keep looking at me like I'm a freak there assholes). Anyway this blond chick gets on the subways wearing the same color combination as me! She's wearing a similarly colored green top and white pants! Not only that but the bitch has the audacity to stand right next to me! Unreal.

So now we're standing there like two dofusses dressed alike.



THANK GOD she got off in just two stops. I mean really...who the fuck wears white pants after labor day? Com'on now!

Speaking of unreal and outfits. This lady sitting across from me on the train the other night had on one of those straw hats.

Everytime she moved her head, she'd poke one of the straws into the guy or the lady sitting next to her. They were getting so pissed. Who the fuck wears a hat like that on the subway (well unless you want space of course). I was trying not to laugh so I just calmly whipped it out and took a picture.



If I were sitting next to her though I probably wouldn't have been laughing. Nothing like getting poked in the eye with some straw to start your evening commute home!

Anyway saw an article today that General Electric is looking to part ways with NBC. According to the article in MediaPost Publications by Wayne Friedman, "GE will consider an NBC sale after the network airs the Beijing Olympics next year...
Who would buy? Surely the usual suspects, like Time Warner, have been bandied about, since it's a large media company without a full-fledged broadcast network -- just one-half of one, the CW. Previously, Time Warner wholly owned the WB. But consider other bigger, perhaps more unusual players. There's Google, Microsoft, Facebook, or some other new contraption of a media company looking to put a new spin on an old -- but still promising -- entertainment platform. This would make sense. While those new Internet/tech companies always get the buzz, they really aren't ready to delve into the tricky world of TV program - or content -- development. Yahoo tried to go that route and didn't get very far. Even for a company like Google, which seems to grow larger and larger by promising advertising networks and marketing solutions to smaller and smaller companies, NBC - or for that matter any network -- is still an attractive option because those old entertainment companies can still get big mass audiences with one hit show."

Now this is exactly what I've been telling anyone who listens to the shit that pours out of my mouth. Google is looking to take over the world.

If you haven't seen this video piece from the Center of Media Research you should. It talks about Google merging with Amazon to create "GoogleZon" which would basically control all the custom content you read and receive. It also talks about the New York Times eventually trying to sue Google and losing, leaving Google as the only powerhouse left in the media world.

Click here to view the video.

It may not be all true...but definitely interesting, especially given Google's desire to snap up everything in it's power.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

GO COWBOYS! You can do it!

This just in...

Breaking news out of Live Science. Apparently "Eyes Can't Resist Beautiful People".



According to the article:

Whether we're looking for someone to date or sizing up a potential rival, our eyes irresistibly lock on to good-looking people, a new study finds.

Participants, all heterosexual men and women, fixated on highly attractive people within the first half-second of seeing them. Single folks ogled the opposite sex, of course. But those in committed relationships more often eyed beautiful people of the same sex.

"If we're interested in finding a mate, our attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive members of the opposite sex," explained study leader Jon Maner of Florida State University. "If we're jealous and worried about our partner cheating on us, attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive people of our own sex because they are our competitors."

Maner's research is based on the idea that evolution has primed our brains to subconsciously latch on to signs of physical attractiveness in others, both to find a mate and to guard him or her from potential competitors.

But this evolutionary trick is not without potential romantic peril. Even some people in committed relationships had trouble tearing their eyes away from attractive members of the opposite sex. On the other hand, fixating on attractive people of the same sex as rivals could contribute to feelings of insecurity.

Maner found that men prone to jealousy kept a close eye on attractive potential rivals.

"When it comes to concerns about infidelity, men are very attentive to highly attractive guys because presumably their wives or girlfriends may be too," he said.

Maner's experiments, which flashed pictures of attractive men and women and average-looking men and women in front of participants and measured the time it took to shift their attention away from the image, surprisingly showed little difference between the sexes.

"Women paid just as much attention to men as men did to women," Maner said.

The study is detailed in the September issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

---

Thanks for that ground breaking story Ms. Andrea Thompson. No seriously. I'm glad Live Science is devoting time and resources to letting the public know that we like to ogle hot people. I mean I can't imagine that's why there's oh, 100 different celebrity and beauty magazines. Retards. Actually lemme dig up one of my newly found insults. Ah, got one. You bloody herring choker! There...now I really dug one into you.

Anyway, I was recently tagged by Tortious for The Face Behind the Blog tag. Since CDP was brave enough to show her face on her blog, and since I can't avoid a game of tag to save my life I'll take her up on the tag. Although most of you already know what I look like...but for those that don't, I present to you the face behind WhatPushesMyButtons:

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That's right...I'm none other than Nahoud, the Jihad Bee. I teach children about the joys of Jihad.

I mean my commute back and forth between NYC and the Middle East is pretty tough these days, but those guys at Al Jeezera really know how to let you fly in comfort. I mean, first class all the way. Unlimited honey to snack on. My favorite bollywood porn movies.

What else could a Jihad bee ask for?

(BTW CDP: I've secretly hidden a photo of myself on this blog post...betcha' can't guess which one is me!)

Gimme More Collard Greens Mutha Fucka

So y'all heard by now Bill O'Reilly done said some racist things in the past few days.

If you haven't heard, O'Reilly was having dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton up at Sylvia's, which is a soul food restaurant in Harlem (one of the best soul food restaurants around).

O'Reilly was quoted saying "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship."

O'Reilly continued "You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all,"

O'Reilly even added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea."



Now I don't know what types of restaurants O'Reilly has been in before with black folk, but its plainly clear he was out of touch. What did he expect, people to be climbing all over the seats, swinging from the chandeliers, stealing food off each other's plates? I mean bitch, this ain't no Chuck-E-Cheese or IHOP, this is Sylvia's. Soul Food at it's finest. If you wanted chaos and people cursing at each other then you need to go to Popeye's or the B-K up in Harlem. Then people be all up in ya grillz asking for change and throwing chicken bones around.

I mean I mostly joking of course but you get my point. It's crazy that someone in this day and age thinks it's an "amazing thing" that a restaurant run by "blacks" and frequented by "blacks" can be just as "civilized" as a "white run restaurant".

I mean, Bill...last time I checked you were a business guy and you surely know that "blacks" hold CFO, President, CEO, and other highly influential positions in business. Hell aren't there special publishing features and media reports devoted to the top companies run by minorities? I can't believe you'd be that out of touch with civilization that you think every establishment run by a "minority" is run like a zoo. Now granted there is your occassional exception or two but seriously man...I'm disappointed.


Yo bitch, where my collard greens at!

All I know is that I'm thinking about wearing a Bill O'Reilly costume for this Halloween. I'll show up to Sylvia's or some other "black run restaurant". I'll scream at the workers "yo, motha fucka, where the fuck my chitlins and collard greens at". Everyone will have a good time and laugh. And then I'll take off my costume and sit and enjoy my meal like a civilized human being.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to seek out some fried chicken for lunch. All this talk about it has put me in the mood for some finger lickin goodness!

Ding Dong the Witch is dead!

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!



The wicked witch of the east, the "Queen of Mean", died this morning due to heart failure. Frankly, this is 87 years too long in the making.

Why should I say such evil things about a person? Well because I have a personal vendetta against Helmsley (as do millions of people). Firstly, instead of being a philanthrophist and doing good with her empire of millions (like Brooke Astor), she was a greedy bitch who cared nothing about the less fortunate including her own workers.

Secondly, back in the early 90s when Madison Square Garden was undergoing renovations, she owned (and still does) all of the property across the street from the garden (where Bar Local now stands). Back then the sports bar on the corner was the "Good Old Days", a true NYC sports bar in which every celebrity, past and present would come in to personally sign autographs and memorabilia that hung throughout the bar. Boxing gloves signed by Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali. Basketballs signed by Walt Frazier, Earl Monroe and countless others. Wrestling trunks signed by Hulk Hogan. Ice skates signed by Peggy Fleming. If they performed in the garden, odds are you found a piece of their outfit or equipment at the Good Old Days.

The place was filled with sports memorabilia including old pennants, pictures, baseball cards, etc. You could spend hours (which I did) walking around the bar admiring the history on the walls. I personally had a bunch of the banners given to me from the bar since that was one of my father's top accounts for his airconditioning/refrigeration servicing job. Anyway, once the garden took a year off for renevations business was slow. The bar appealed to Helmsley to give them tax relief to be able to remain in business until the garden reopened for business. Helmsley being the raving bitch that she was said no and the bar was forced to close. The owners reopened bars throughout the city including the now defunct West 4 st. Saloon and the Stoned Crow (in which I stumbled upon a few weeks back, with some of the banners I knew as a child in tact! - more on that at a later date). Helmsley in her typical fashion crushed the spirits of the corner bar, allowing a upscale Chinese fusion restaurant called Beema Grill to move in. I graduated H.S. from the Garden in 1994, in which I walked across the street and spit on the restaurant numerous times, cursuing Helmsley in the process.

Those who know me know my personal dislike for the Queen of Mean. Think I'm alone? Just ask the thousands of workers she personally screwed throughout her career. Or her houseworkers, who quoted her once as saying: "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

That pretty much sums her life up. Fuckin bitch...I hope you rot in hell. And they better bury your ass far away from the city...you've done enough damage here over the years. Stay in Greenwich with the rest of the rich and wealthy assholes who hoard their millions and build their mega houses. I hope they rename all of your properties too, your name doesn't deserve to be anywhere in this city.

The reviews are in...

My blog was just up for review on Humor-Blogs.com, which is a collection of best humor blogs throughout the land. The cool part about the site is the reviews, in which fellow bloggers who are members of the site review each others work and the blogs are "scored" based on those results.

The reviewers (including myself) are very opinionated and really look for blogs to be laugh-out-loud funny. And when they aren't, then the blogs get "thrashed" in their reviews and the scores suffer accordingly. Obviously I wasn't allowed to review my own blog, but without further adieu, here is my review according to the reviewers at Humor-Blogs.com:

---
WhatPushesMyButtons got very consistent, if not overwhelming, scores from our reviewers. The consensus was that it was smart, well written and sometimes amusing, but generally not laugh-out-loud funny.

Category	Score	Points
Content	5.17	36/70
Writing	6.5	3/5
Web Design	5.67	3/5
Intangibles	4.5	2/5
Read Regularly	1.67	2/10
Frequency	10	5/5
Total		51

Percentile Rank: 25

Some quotes from our reviewers:

The blog author does deserve points for my being able to persevere through a review after the first post I encountered detailed her being the victim of a "shit and run" (complete with photo). That was just wrong. Having said that, I found some of the posts and choices of material covered original and pretty funny at times. The overall template felt a bit cluttered (that may have been my ADD-ishness kicking in). I think if he declutters a bit, posts no more pictures of feces, he'd be a bit more humorous.

This blog makes me wonder if the author has an unhealthy obsession with food.

This blog falls into a pretty common category; writers who post clever observations without making the leap to being funny. When I read a humor blog, I want to laugh. Or snicker...hell, I'd settle for a good smirk. 'What Pushes My Buttons' is smart, it has the clever observations and the rhetorical responses, but it just never gets funny.

Not bad, but nothing spectacular. I like the fact that the post subjects are not the "same old" topics that everyone seems to cover. No "lol" but some solid smiles. Really solid web design.

Well written and sometimes amusing, but certainly not laugh-out-loud funny.

I have a feeling that What Pushes My Buttons was the victim of reviewers who are getting a little tired of blogs that are almost funny. It's a good blog, but at this point it doesn't really stand out among the crowd of humor blogs. The real problem, in my opinion, is that the blog isn't personal enough to compensate for its lack of laugh-out-loud humor. Zoning Out Again is a good example of a blog that isn't hysterically funny, but got a good review because ZOA makes the reader feel like he or she is peeking inside the life (and somewhat crazy brain) of the author.

In contrast, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if the author of WPMB was male or female. One of our reviewers referred to the author as a "she," which surprised me because I assumed the author was a guy. I finally found a reference to "shaking the snake," which confirmed that the author was either male or a sadistic herpetologist.

In my humble opinion, if you're trying to make people laugh you need to pick one of two paths: Either sacrifice coherency and accuracy to make as many jokes as you can (Sinister Dan, Pointless Drivel), or really let people into your life so they can see how funny things look from your perspective (Dorky Dad, Zoning Out Again). You can even veer wildly between these two paths as the mood strikes you. But a surefire way to get lukewarm reviews is to strike a compromise between the two paths where you relate mildly amusing, factually accurate stories without much of a personal touch.
---

Ouch! I mean...granted last week wasn't my most funniest weeks of posts (and even Bridget said people are gonna be grossed out by the shit in the toilet pic). But I mean that's just me. Sometimes I'm funny and sometimes I'm not. But I guess I really wasn't funny last week because I got ripped apart in my reviews.


I was the victim of a brutal Humor-Blogs.com attack!

I mean people thought I was clever and original (which I definitely liked hearing) and that's pretty much all I can ask for. Some people will find me funny. Some will find me disturbing. And some won't find me funny at all. That's just a personal preference I guess and everyone has a difference sense or preference of humor.

But given the reviews above from the non-faithful readers of my blog, I wanted to ask my "adoring audience" for their thoughts. Would you rather me be more "personal" with my posts and give you an inside peek at my inner workings? Or would you rather me continue to be an irrational thought machine who I guess occassionally makes you chuckle or laugh (hopefully).

My goal with this blog is to make you laugh and give you a little break from the stresses of your work or personal lives. But according to the folks whose "job it is to be funny", I'm not even at a passing grade (51 out of 100 points).


As Pesci said in Goodfellas: "How the fuck am I funny? Funny how? Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?"

I personally don't care what other people think and I plan to keep on keeping on with the stuff I think makes you laugh. But if you feel like the consensus was right, and I'm not a funny fuck at all, then please speak up. Your voice matters too! Thanks!

My own empire

A few months back ESR-W came back from a trip to Europe with a tearout of a magazine. The tearout was of a fragrance entitled: Jette by Night



I laughed of course being that's my last name and kept it aside for a keepsake.

Well more recently I saw another ad for Jette by Night, but this time for a shower and body gel!



So I decided to look up the product. Lo and behold the product is a huge sensation throughout Europe! No way! Not only is it a fragrance, body and shower gel, but there's also jewelry, clothing, footwear, eyewear and even skates! Crazy!

I found out the designer is a lady named Jette Joop so she named all of her product line after herself (although secretly I think she named the products after me!). In fact, the designer is so popular she throws huge bashes when a new product line is launched!



It's crazy. And since it's a European based company they definitely use sex to sell "my product". Take a look at these hot 'adverts':





I'm thrilled my product is all about the high fashion. Especially the roller skates.


My skates are off the hook!

Obviously it's all one big coincidence that the product line is named after me. But regardless it seems like this "imposture" is making quite a living off using my name. Maybe I'll have to consult my attorneys to get some royalties. I mean she's gotta be raking in millions!

So Ms. Joop or Ms. Jette...or whatever you go by, just remember, as Brooke Astor said: "Money is like manure, it should be spread around."

Putting the "bath" in bathroom

Not sure what the hell is going on, but every afternoon I step into the bathroom and there's a giant pool of water on the ground.



It's ridiculous. You have to jump over 4 feet of water just to get to the urinals or stalls. It appears to be water and not urine, thank goodness, but still...either someone takes a bath in the sinks (or toilets) everyday or we have some problems with leaky pipes.

The worst is when you're not ready for it and you take a step and water goes splashing all over your clothes. One day I had water up the front of my pants and it made it look like I pissed myself or had tremendous leakage. You know, when you don't "shake the snake" enough and you tuck him back into to your underwear only to find out there was still some squirts left. Next thing you know you have leakage in your pants and a trail of wetdots down the front of your pants.

What? That doesn't happen to you? Lucky bastard. I've recently resorted to shaking about 5 or 6 times before putting the hose away. I mean you could always blame it on the water that flies from your hands after you wash them (another thing that often happens that makes it look like you pissed your pants!).

Anyway, next time I step into the bathroom here I may have to wear waders. And maybe bring a kayak too.

Slowest cab ride ever

On my way home from work last night at around 11:30pm (I took a few hours "off" to play racquetball last night and nearly broke my ankle in half in the process - but that's another story), I grabbed a cab on Park & 33rd.

The driver said it was his last run and he was heading uptown. Perfect because so was I. I noticed the driver was an older gentleman, easily in his late 60s/early 70s. But I figured he would probably have a lead foot, especially being it was so late at night and cabbies are normally in a rush to go home after a long day's work.

Boy was I mistaken. Now don't get me wrong, it was actually nice to have a cab driver take his time, not kill any pedestrians and even slow down before hitting an axle-busting pothole (most cabbies will speed up before hitting said potholes and give you the worst whiplash you've ever had...especially since no one ever wears a seatbelt in the back of a cab!). Anyway, this guy was going so slow, people on bicycles were passing us by. I've never been in a cab in which everyone else is racing around you. It felt like we were just sitting there idle. I glanced over at the odometer and it said 20 mph. 20! Who does 20 mph in Manhattan without traffic?? While it was nice to take a leisurely ride through the streets of the city, I just wanted to get home. I was tired, my ankle was throbbing. I was tempted to jump in the front seat and say move over gramps, i'm taking the wheel. But I restrained.

I was indeed his last fare of the evening. Hell, for all I know I could've been his last fare ever - and that's why he was taking his sweet ass time. If that's the case, I guess I don't blame him. Although if he drives like that normally, he's lucky if people don't go off on him. Luckily I'm blessed with patience (on occassion - although I'm losing more and more of it in my old age) but I can see some drunken blowhard cursing him out as he misses light after light on his way home.

Anyway, Ephraham my man...keep cruising...and keep playing that light jazz music in the back of your cab. It was the most relaxing cab ride I've ever had. Good job! I think for your outstanding efforts you should be rewarded with a new cab that would showcase your laid back style. Something along these lines:

Of course it was a quick birth

Ok...so as many already know the well famed Duggar family of Arkansas recently welcomed their 17th child into this world. The child, Jennifer Danielle, became the 18th J named member of the Duggar clan (counting Jim Bob - the father).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070803/ap_on_fe_st/17_kids;_ylt=AjNyu7n7mYmX65zF0ZRJCVbtiBIF

Now, you already know how I feel about this family based on a previous post. So needless to say I'm pretty impartial about the family values that the Duggar clan employs. While I'm not here to judge, I think it does smack of a religious cult, and many of you have agreed with me on that fact.

Since the Duggar's have no plan of stopping, I guess there's nothing to do but sit back and just watch the family grow like some unwanted weeds.

I think the funniest part of the recent birth was the mother, Michelle (who is the only non J-named person in the family) who said quote: "It actually went fast...I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes."

Gee...I wonder why the birth went so fast? Could it be that your birth canal is well accustomed to passing through children at this point. I mean it's like a fuckin slip n slide right now. The fetus forms, waits a few months, sees the light and then just slides right out.


Re-enactment of Duggar clan birth

I'm not even gonna ask how sex is like. How can there be any traction on the tires at this point? Some of you have broken out the Stewie Griffin "it's like throwing a pencil down the hallway" line. Either way, good ole Jim Bob must be hung like a horse to fit in.

Michelle's been pregnant about 10 1/2 years of her life already and she's birthed 18 children. Although she's got a ton of work to do if she wants to catch the world record. According to several sources:

"The greatest number of children produced by a mother in an independently attested case is 69 by the first wife of Fyodor Vassilet (1816-72) a peasant of the Moscow Jurisdiction, Russia, who in 27 confinements, gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. Most of the children attained their majority. Mme. Vassilet became so renowned that she was presented at the court of Czar Alexander II."

So to reach this magic "69" number (ironic isn't it), she would have to have another 52 children! If that's her ambition she needs to start spitting out some quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets and even octuplets. Better start taking some fertility pills Michelle...because what's the sense of having 20 something children if it's not even close to being a record.

Printing Health Hazards?

So as I was checking my Yahoo email earlier I saw this article: "Your Printer May Be Hazardous to your Health"

The article goes on to say that "30 percent of all laser printers tested emit dangerous particles described as 'causing lasting damage on the scale of inhaled cigarette smoke.' These tiny particles lodge deep in the lungs and can lead to anything from lung irritation to full-on cancer."

That's fuckin wonderful. So all the times I've sat close to my printer, even leaning on it and smacking it to urge it to print faster, it's basically been spewing cancer dust at me in retaliation? What about all those paper jams, and sticking my hands up the printer's insides like I was performing some sort of gynological exam? Is that just all a ploy by the printer to say fuck you, this is what you get for waking me up from sleep mode?

Not only that, but there was a second article that said "Your Printer May be Spying on You". Even better...not only is my printer giving me cancer, but its also watching my every move. And here I thought I was safely printing out my super secret advance copy of the not even yet released Harry Potter VIII: The Pubic Hair Dilemna (when our characters get too old to play their parts and discover sex on the set).

But you know what? No longer will I stand idly by while my printers infect me with their filth. It's time to take action! I'm gonna go all Mike Bolton on their asses!

The Match Game

So a few of you inquired about the food pics I featured on my blog yesterday.

Well without further adieu here's where they are from:





The pizza goodness above was from one of the best pizzeria's around. Nope, not Totonno's or Lombardi's or Patsy's. It was Barb's Pizzeria. In West Hartford, CT.

Now before you fly off the handle, I was a skeptic too, until I tried it. Bridget lived right next door to Barb's and raved about the pizza all of the time. She took me there a few years back and I happened to be wearing my Yankee hat into the pizzeria. The owner saw me and asked if I was a New Yorker. We talked and I found out that he brings up water from the Bronx every week to help "sweeten" the dough for his pizza, thus making a "New York" style pie (thus proving my point that it's all "in the water"). The other bonus is his pepperoni is extra baked, so its even tastier than those pizzerias who just slap pepperoni onto the pie and load it in the oven.

The resulting pizza is really, really good and is about 100x better than that shit they call pizza down at Pepe's in New Haven (which singlehandly could be the most overrated pizza in the entire country). Plus do the pictures above lie? I think not.

Plus Barb's also has a great salad with an awesome house dressing (that the sell by the bottle)



Basically it's a new york style, no frills pizzeria. If they were in NYC they'd be among the best pizzeria's around. But unfortunately those who grew up in CT are swayed by the propaganda machine that is Pepe's and that's all they know. Poor bastards.

The next item I featured was closer to home.



This heart attack on a platter comes courtesy of New York Burger Company.

Their burgers were voted "Best Burger in NYC" according to the AOL cityguide (although I'm not trusting ANYTHING that is AOL endorsed). But the burger is pretty tasty and cooked to order. I last had them a few years back and wasn't impressed, but I must say this time around the burger was quite tasty. While the meat was more medium well than medium rare, they have invested in quality toppings and switched to a broiche type bun to help absorb the fried goodness and keep the structure of the burger intact.

The onion rings have improved as well as they were voted "Best Onion Rings" by GQ Magazine. (Ok...what the hell does GQ have to do with the best of food anything? Don't even tell me the models and fashionistas that read GQ would scarf down a heaping order of onion rings. I mean they're good and all, but I don't need a bunch of models endorsing food for me - ok? Stick to what you know guys, showcasing suits and accessories that none of us "average joe" guys can afford and leave the fried food to those of us who don't have the ability to stuff our fat asses into your $1,000 suits. Thanks!)



Finally we have the Lamb Paillard at The Noho Star which is downtown on Bleecker and Lafayette (kudos to Janet for guessing correctly!) The Noho has some great variety on their menu, and you can order anything from dim sum and chinese classics to grilled tilapia and heaping salads. The portions are generous and the prices very reasonable. Plus they have a kick ass brownie sundie selection for desert. Great "date" place or a place to bring a group of peeps for a low-key dinner.

So there you have it kids. And my apologies for making y'all and myself hungry again! But it's almost time to get grillin' in my cube! On today's menu are hot dogs and grilled chicken cutlet sandwiches w/ melted mozzarella! Pictures to follow shortly!

Post blog note

Here are the yummy Nathan's hotdogs I grilled up today. Good stuff.

End of the mom and pops

Not a surprise, but more and more independent restaurants, delis and mom and pop type sandwich shops are falling to the wayside to clear room for fast food/restaurant chains and luxury buildings.

Recently around my office alone, we've lost a few valuable dining destinations. Pinch, the venerable "Pizza By the Inch" that was actually quite good and had some kick-ass salads, shuttered to make room for a luxury building (another small cafe was shuttered along with it). Thankfully Pinch will be moving to the Upper West Side...bad news for midtown lunchers but good news to the rich folk on the UWS who are not restaurant starved to say the least.

Canaan deli, a breakfast/lunch deli on 31st and Park is giving way to a Chipolte. Not that I was a Canaan supporter, but the residual effect of them closing has caused other delis in the area, namely Suzie's Kitchen, to become uber-crowded...to the point where waits can get up to 15-20 minutes to order your food, pay and get out of the door.

A California Pizza Kitchen chain also opened recently on Park...although everyone keeps telling me it's "fantastic" and some of boldly claimed its the "best pizza ever". I doubt that, although I do believe they've made attempts to create a turnaround in their food quality (last I had it a few years back it was dreadful, with a capital D). But still, improving quality aside, its one less "family owned" or "independent run" business to support.

Now I'm not saying that chains are the destroyer of good...but it does suck when a well liked and profitable place (i.e. Pinch) has to clear way for a new "luxury condo" development and a independent deli like Canaan has to cave into the big bad Chipolte brand. It's bad enough that you can't walk 10 feet without running into a chain these days, whether it be a salad chain like Wild Greens, Chopped and Guy and Gallard or a burrito chain like Chipolte or Burritoville (and yes I'm picking on Chipolte...i think it's way overpriced and is extremely mediocre. There I said it).

Anyway, I'm still buried in an avalanche of work here, but since I have this reputation for having people leave here hungry, here's some more "food for thought":









More on these tasty treats soon!

Fuckin Vending Machines Don't Take New Quarters

Seriously...what's the deal. I've tried pumping quarter after quarter into our soda machine here and nothing seems to work. They won't take the new quarters for shit. Must be something with the weighting. I think the old quarters had more weighting to them, sorta how the cue ball is heavier than the other balls on a billiards table.


Vending machines are getting no action thanks to the new quarters

Not only that, but the metro north ticket machine wouldn't take my new quarters either this morning on my way to CT for a meeting. Becoming increasingly annoyed at not being able to use change to buy soda, snacks or even a train ticket, I checked online to see if this sorta thing was happening elsewehere.

With a quick Google search I found the US Mint website which said:

"All machines and venues where quarters are accepted are able to receive the 50 State Quarters®."

http://www.usmint.gov/mint_programs/50sq_program/index.cfm?flash=yes&action=faq_50sq&criteria&printer=yes#anchor417391

Hmm...not sure about that. Has anyone at the government actually TRIED using their new quarters in a vending machine? Or do they just get their shit for free? Wait don't answer that...cause I don't want to even know how much shit taxpayers pay for that government employees get for free.

No one in my office is able to use the soda machine anymore. It's basically useless, unless you have a stash of old quarters sitting around. But then inevitably you're one old quarter short of a $1.25 and you're basically fucked cause the machine just ate your dollar.

Don't get me wrong. I like the new quarters. I really do.



The back of the new quarters gives you state pride and it's just like playing the license plate game...you get excited when you see a state quarter you haven't seen before. Or at least I do. Maybe because I'm a loser who gets excited by such things. I just wish they kept the weighting the same so vending machines would take the new quarters. I mean how am I supposed to become a fat, lazy American if I can't buy my soda and chips from the vending machine everyday???