Finally a bill worth passing!

Firstly...how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it's well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.


A pigeon performing a "shit and run" in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a "pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city's pigeon-related complaints".

Now if the city had any brains at all they'd appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I'd effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I'd unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender's house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I'd lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I'd "humanely execute" all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time....they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I'm the only one with these thoughts? Think again.



Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There's countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the "heros" who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder's proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let's keep the damn pigeon population under control!

Ain't no bagel worth no $1,000

Na ah. A bagel worth one large? Fuggetaboutit.

But it's the truth son.

Some fancy pants chef created this so called "$1,000 bagel" using white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Say what?



The bagel is the brainchild of chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel. Apparently proceeds from the bagel go to some foundation for aspiring chefs. But regardless could you imagine just asking for a bagel and cream cheese and having to whip out 10 benjamins to pay for it? Grandma Ruthie would have a heart attack. I mean a bagel with lox these days is expensive enough!

But, $1,000 for a bagel is just a drop in the bucket compared to this $25,000 hot chocolate!



Apparently this hot chocolate served at Seredipity (where else) called a "Frrozen Haute Chocolate," is a mixture of 28 types of cocoas, 14 which apparently are the "most expensive and exotic from around the globe". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize there were more exotic brands of hot chocolate than Ghirardelli. Fuck, I don't think I get much more fancy than the 60 pack of Swiss Miss.

If that's not enough, the dessert is "infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound."

Oh and to top it off, "it is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home."

What the fuck. That shit better give you an instant orgasm in your pants and better get you laid all night...especially after paying $25k for that shit! You know how many women you can get at one time with $25k??? (Wait before you answer that, I forgot that's not even a drop in the bucket apparently at Scores, where that poor bastard ran up a $250,000 tab a few years back). How the fuck did he do that again?

And I'm sorry...if I'm buying my significant other a bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds, I sure as hell ain't covering that shit in any chocolate or whipped cream. Talk about devalueing a piece of jewelry. Do that with a piece of shit piece of jewelry you buy at the mall or at Spencer's Gifts that ain't cost more than $1.

Ridiculous. Really. There's millions of starving people out there, and assholes are buying desserts and bagels for thousands of dollars. No wonder why so many people hate Americans.

Are you 'shitting' me

So thanks to John for this 'scoop' today.

Apparently there's a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff's office warning of a new drug called "Jenkem".

This drug is "a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past".

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), "the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995."

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.



The Smoking Gun hasn't found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Actually it's been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can't really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn't put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it's doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

Joey! Joey!



The "Tsunami" has done it again. After getting beaten around by Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti in recent competitions, my man Joey redeemed himself by eating an astonishing 103 Crystal burgers in 8 minutes to take the 2007 Crystal Eating championship!

You can check out the short Sportscenter vidoe recap here: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?&brand=null&videoId=3084545&n8pe6c=2

That my friends is un fucking real. The previous record was 97 by Kobayashi...so this was 6 better. How crazy is Joey's feat? Well how about devouring an average of nearly 13 burgers a minute! Now before you run off saying they're small, and that's not a "real burger"...you try eating 103 of anything in 8 minutes and see if you can do it! Even some of the best eaters in the world only hit in the 40-50 burger range in 8 minutes. Over 100 is just un thinkable.



Personally I'm more of a White Castle guy myself, but having never had a Krystal I won't knock it till I try it. Just word of advice, if you're searching for Krystal in Google's image search, let's just say you're gonna get a different set of "buns":



I mean not that there's anything wrong with those buns...but in case you happen to be in a public place, you may want to proceed with caution.

For those waiting for a story from this weekend's bachelor party in Austin, I'll have that and some pics for you shortly.

Thanks for your patience. :)

What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.



Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.



I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

Big Pimpin

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Apparently our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.



Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: "If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?".



I love the quote from Lipton: "We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

What they didn't tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a "Well played Mr. Lipton".

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed.

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton takes a puff of a pipe as he admires said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: "If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be".

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: "I would be a beav-ah... Monsieur".

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) "Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played."

End scene.

Obviously if you've never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won't find any of this funny. If you haven't seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations ever:



Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.



Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!

So you need to be naked to be famous these days



So I just heard about this (am I the fuckin last to know? Guess that's what I get for not reading the Post!).

Apparently last Friday some ad agency worker had a meltdown and walked around the streets of Manhattan naked:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/10132007/news/regionalnews/nude_nut_had_bad_bare_day.htm





According to the article, Josh Drimmer, 26, "temporarily lost his senses and that he was just having a really bad day...It was an extreme panic attack brought on by days of not sleeping. I had a bad day."

Now, I've worked my fair share of bad days in agency land but never took to the streets naked as a result. I may have done some swearing and maybe even broken a pencil or two (don't tell!) but that's gotta be some kinda meltdown to go to Times Square in the nude.

Unless he was just trying to show up the Naked Cowboy.



But apparently this may not have been Mr. Drimmer's first nude appearance in public. According to the article, Drimmer, a Yale graduate, was in a group called the "Pundits" where there were naked parties with party goers hanging out in the nude.

Mr. Drimmer is also a fellow blogger. He writes a blog, "Excellence Makes Wack Irrelevant" which he classifies as "some jottings, findings, and sharp darts thrown by Josh Drimmer, playwright, pontificator, patriot."

Although he hasn't updated his blog in quite some time so needless to say he's "petered out" on the whole blogging experience? Hey-oh! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here till Friday, try the veal.

Anyway, this guy is now a mega celebrity. He even caught the eye of this police officer who apparently thinks he's a "detective":


Notice the officer on the left "inspecting" the package

Easy there officer. If you stare at it too long it'll make you go blind. Or is that what they say about masterbating too much? Can't remember.

Anyway, am I jealous at his new found fame? Sure. But until I get into "nudity baring" shape I promise I'll spare my fellow New Yorkers of me running around in the buff. Unless I need the publicity of course. Cause then I can just chalk it up to a bad day.

I leave you, Mr. Drimmer, with some words to live by:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

GoogleZon

Sorry guys, been a crazy work day today. That and I'm off to Dallas for the weekend to watch my beloved Cowboys try to hang in there vs the Patriots.

But some "quickies" to share before I depart (and not of the sexual kind unfortunately).

First, on the train this morning I'm standing against the door. I'm wearing a green t-shirt and off-white cargo shorts (yes shorts...it's still in the 50s/60s which is still shorts weather in my book. Keep looking at me like I'm a freak there assholes). Anyway this blond chick gets on the subways wearing the same color combination as me! She's wearing a similarly colored green top and white pants! Not only that but the bitch has the audacity to stand right next to me! Unreal.

So now we're standing there like two dofusses dressed alike.



THANK GOD she got off in just two stops. I mean really...who the fuck wears white pants after labor day? Com'on now!

Speaking of unreal and outfits. This lady sitting across from me on the train the other night had on one of those straw hats.

Everytime she moved her head, she'd poke one of the straws into the guy or the lady sitting next to her. They were getting so pissed. Who the fuck wears a hat like that on the subway (well unless you want space of course). I was trying not to laugh so I just calmly whipped it out and took a picture.



If I were sitting next to her though I probably wouldn't have been laughing. Nothing like getting poked in the eye with some straw to start your evening commute home!

Anyway saw an article today that General Electric is looking to part ways with NBC. According to the article in MediaPost Publications by Wayne Friedman, "GE will consider an NBC sale after the network airs the Beijing Olympics next year...
Who would buy? Surely the usual suspects, like Time Warner, have been bandied about, since it's a large media company without a full-fledged broadcast network -- just one-half of one, the CW. Previously, Time Warner wholly owned the WB. But consider other bigger, perhaps more unusual players. There's Google, Microsoft, Facebook, or some other new contraption of a media company looking to put a new spin on an old -- but still promising -- entertainment platform. This would make sense. While those new Internet/tech companies always get the buzz, they really aren't ready to delve into the tricky world of TV program - or content -- development. Yahoo tried to go that route and didn't get very far. Even for a company like Google, which seems to grow larger and larger by promising advertising networks and marketing solutions to smaller and smaller companies, NBC - or for that matter any network -- is still an attractive option because those old entertainment companies can still get big mass audiences with one hit show."

Now this is exactly what I've been telling anyone who listens to the shit that pours out of my mouth. Google is looking to take over the world.

If you haven't seen this video piece from the Center of Media Research you should. It talks about Google merging with Amazon to create "GoogleZon" which would basically control all the custom content you read and receive. It also talks about the New York Times eventually trying to sue Google and losing, leaving Google as the only powerhouse left in the media world.

Click here to view the video.

It may not be all true...but definitely interesting, especially given Google's desire to snap up everything in it's power.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

GO COWBOYS! You can do it!

Food a-plenty

There's a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.



For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year's supply of syrup. (BTW...waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut - ha ha - I'm so witty) in a "Chicken Wing Chowdown" on Spike TV.



Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I'm soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal's to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi's 97 Krystal's in 8 minutes.



Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth's Cafe in Seattle.



The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I've made some doozy omelettes in my days but don't have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I'd like to tackle that one day.

I'm also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I'm gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there's a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I'm gonna have to bust out the "I Eat'M Raw" shirt for some extra inspiration.



Another challenge I'm up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle's Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese - a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that's nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.



It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I'd definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don't know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I'd like to embrace is the "World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner" at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I'm pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I'm not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don't make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)



(Btw...no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)

Farewell to a friend

Over the weekend we all lost a friend true and dear to our hearts: the Topps brand of hamburger meat.

Some felt the pain more than others, including the 87 or so personnel that were directly part of the Topps family.


Farewell my friend, you'll be sorely missed

The Topps brand was dear to me personally.

It was always there for me in a pinch and able to stand up through tons of pressure. It's amazing consistency came through time and time again. Whenever I needed to cook for 20 or 2,000, Topps was their to save the day. It's true, we fed the entire Marist campus for a Booster Club event by making over 2,000 Topps hamburgers of which I personally cooked up 1,000 or so.

Each burger charred nicely, stayed succulent and meaty. Even though my eyes were singed with smoke and I could barely see, I could trust my friend to produce fantastic results time and time again.


To many, this meaty morsel of goodness was the "Tops"

And while it would never be mistaken for an upscale burger or one of those artisan burgers you can buy at the Ruby Tuesday's and other chains of the world, Topps was a burger for the everyman. The one who could feed their family quickly. The one who relied on it's prepackaged burgers to cook up a quick feast for company both large and small.




What you saw with Topps is what you got. Meat shaped into patty form. Simple. Bun sized. Tasty. Compatable with lots of ketchup, lettuce, tomato, onions and all the fixins. Who else could give you consistency, burger after burger, even in boxes of 30 or 100?

For those naysayers or non fans you can feel free to hate. But just admire it's legacy: decades of producing quality burgers for barbeque lovers around the nation. Nothing fancy. Not expensive. Just good ole USA beef at it's finest.

So goodbye my friend. You'll be truly missed.

This just in...

Breaking news out of Live Science. Apparently "Eyes Can't Resist Beautiful People".



According to the article:

Whether we're looking for someone to date or sizing up a potential rival, our eyes irresistibly lock on to good-looking people, a new study finds.

Participants, all heterosexual men and women, fixated on highly attractive people within the first half-second of seeing them. Single folks ogled the opposite sex, of course. But those in committed relationships more often eyed beautiful people of the same sex.

"If we're interested in finding a mate, our attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive members of the opposite sex," explained study leader Jon Maner of Florida State University. "If we're jealous and worried about our partner cheating on us, attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive people of our own sex because they are our competitors."

Maner's research is based on the idea that evolution has primed our brains to subconsciously latch on to signs of physical attractiveness in others, both to find a mate and to guard him or her from potential competitors.

But this evolutionary trick is not without potential romantic peril. Even some people in committed relationships had trouble tearing their eyes away from attractive members of the opposite sex. On the other hand, fixating on attractive people of the same sex as rivals could contribute to feelings of insecurity.

Maner found that men prone to jealousy kept a close eye on attractive potential rivals.

"When it comes to concerns about infidelity, men are very attentive to highly attractive guys because presumably their wives or girlfriends may be too," he said.

Maner's experiments, which flashed pictures of attractive men and women and average-looking men and women in front of participants and measured the time it took to shift their attention away from the image, surprisingly showed little difference between the sexes.

"Women paid just as much attention to men as men did to women," Maner said.

The study is detailed in the September issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

---

Thanks for that ground breaking story Ms. Andrea Thompson. No seriously. I'm glad Live Science is devoting time and resources to letting the public know that we like to ogle hot people. I mean I can't imagine that's why there's oh, 100 different celebrity and beauty magazines. Retards. Actually lemme dig up one of my newly found insults. Ah, got one. You bloody herring choker! There...now I really dug one into you.

Anyway, I was recently tagged by Tortious for The Face Behind the Blog tag. Since CDP was brave enough to show her face on her blog, and since I can't avoid a game of tag to save my life I'll take her up on the tag. Although most of you already know what I look like...but for those that don't, I present to you the face behind WhatPushesMyButtons:

\/
\/
\/
\/



That's right...I'm none other than Nahoud, the Jihad Bee. I teach children about the joys of Jihad.

I mean my commute back and forth between NYC and the Middle East is pretty tough these days, but those guys at Al Jeezera really know how to let you fly in comfort. I mean, first class all the way. Unlimited honey to snack on. My favorite bollywood porn movies.

What else could a Jihad bee ask for?

(BTW CDP: I've secretly hidden a photo of myself on this blog post...betcha' can't guess which one is me!)

No hugging zone



So another zone has adopted a hugging ban. This time the principal of a Oak Hill, IL middle school has placed a ban on hugging in the hallways.

Principal Victoria Sharts of Oak Park's Percy Julian Middle School is quoted saying, "Hugging is really more appropriate for airports or for family reunions than passing and seeing each other every few minutes in the halls."

Sharts is further quoted saying: "Last year we would see maybe as many as 10 students on one side (of the hallway), 10 on the other and then, going in opposite directions, would sort of have a hug line going on and you could see where that would be a problem,"

Sharts also says that "rampant hugging is creating bottle necks in the hallway and making kids late for class...although hugs are supposed to be handshakes from the heart some times they don't seem so innocent. Too long, too close, and usually between boys and girls."



Before I rip into how assassine this principal's comments are, can we just focus on something for a quick second. Is her last name Sharts? As in I just Sharted myself?


Principal Sharts, the anti-hugger

I mean I'm sure she must get bullied non-stop from the children. I'm sure they be like, hey principal, here's some Febreze for your ass. Or how's the skidmarks treating you these days.

No wonder why she's anti-hugging. Poor thing. But just because your name implies that you sharted yourself doesn't mean you have to take it out on other children.

Furthermore since when are hugs "handshakes from the heart"? A hug, by and large, is supposed to be an intimate thing. A handshake by nature is quick and formal. I mean I'm not sure what types of hugs she's gotten but obviously she wasn't one of the more popular kids growing up. Nor was she shown much love from friends and family. Hugging is a sign of flirting and friendship, at least among students. Normally girls hug each other as a sign of friendship like guys slap five. But something girls and guys hug too. I mean you gotta assume some of these kids are already having sex. Isn't that just like one giant hug between body parts?

Needless to say "Ms. Shit for Brains" is none too popular in her school these days. Now that the story is out the shit has really hit the fan for her. With all of the negative attention, I'd hope she gets canned soon. Maybe she'll get the shit end of the stick in this deal. (ok that's enough).

Before I go I need to gripe about something. Why the fuck did Poland Spring make their new bottle caps so hard to open. Seriously. You need a fuckin pair of pliers just to open the top.

I nearly sliced my fingers open and lost two teeth trying to pry the cap off.


The ingenious design of the new Poland Spring bottles

Maybe it's just me, but I've had major problems with them. Then again we all know Poland Spring is made from springs of natural concrete so not sure why I'm drinking that shit anyway.

Some Friday Fun for y'all

It's Friday. You ain't got no job. And you ain't got shit to do!

Ok maybe you do have shit to do...but in any case wanted to end the week on a fun note.

First up is a shoplifting seagull.



"It seems this seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.

Since then, he's become a 'regular.' He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips, because they think it's so funny."

Nicely done Mr. Seagull. Reminds me of the time I used to steal those little half pint colored sugar drinks that were 25 cents from the Chinese grocery store. Although I was a little more discreet about it. That and they weren't as generous to let me run away when they caught me. Damn, if only I had been a seagull i would have gotten away with it.

Next up is a presidential quiz for you to take entitled "Should You Be President".

The quiz tests your stand on hot button election issues and how you rank them. It then tells you based on your responses which candidate you should support based on those responses. It also tells you how popular you would be based on your answers if you would run for president.

Pretty cool...it turns out according to my answers I would support Barack Obama as president. Although it turns out if I were to run for president, I would only receive 1.2% of the vote based on others who have taken the poll! Although that was higher than Giuliani, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul. So at least I wasn't dead last! :)


According to the poll my views would lead me to vote for Obama

(Thanks to faithful reader Alexis for sharing both the seagull shoplifter and the presidential poll. Nicely done.)

In other news, popular NYC entertainment/gossip site Metadish is up for sale.

The owner of the site, James Poling, is a very talented writer. Unfortunately it looks like another job will prevent him from updating the site on a regular basis.

The current bid for the site is $6,000 although you can buy the site now for $42,000. The site is up for auction and here's one of the selling points:

"Metadish also has its very own ad sales department that brings with it your own individual account rep that focuses on pitching Metadish to large clients to sell advertising space. The contract also GUARANTEES that the site will make a minimum net of $500/mo. You can keep this contract or discontinue it and go with something on your own."

I guess that's fairly impressive, considering the site does pull in over 500,000 page views per month. Although paying for an ad sales staff probably doesn't help the financials on the bottom line. So I couldn't imagine someone retaining the services of the account manager.

Had I had the time and the resources it wouldn't be a bad site to invest in. Plus I don't have that kind of capital laying around these days. Although I'm sure one of those gossipy type sites like Perez Hilton, the Gothamist or the Onion will just snatch it up.

But I wish both James and whoever purchases the site well.

Finally, special shout out of the week goes to a fellow by the name of Murphy, who in his comment on my "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" post coined the term "Utah Flapjacks". Well done my friend.

Murphy's comment was: "...No offense to any Oklahomians out there but seriously–Kansas is so bad it has to have restaurants named after Oklahoma? The whole world has gone mad. Next thing you know I’ll be in Montana eating at a Utah Flapjacks."

Of course I couldn't help but take that out of context. I instantly thought that Utah Flapjacks would be an awesome porn star name. Just think it could be a converted Mormon turned porn star. Perhaps she would look something like this:



You're onto something big Murphy!

Gimme More Collard Greens Mutha Fucka

So y'all heard by now Bill O'Reilly done said some racist things in the past few days.

If you haven't heard, O'Reilly was having dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton up at Sylvia's, which is a soul food restaurant in Harlem (one of the best soul food restaurants around).

O'Reilly was quoted saying "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship."

O'Reilly continued "You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all,"

O'Reilly even added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea."



Now I don't know what types of restaurants O'Reilly has been in before with black folk, but its plainly clear he was out of touch. What did he expect, people to be climbing all over the seats, swinging from the chandeliers, stealing food off each other's plates? I mean bitch, this ain't no Chuck-E-Cheese or IHOP, this is Sylvia's. Soul Food at it's finest. If you wanted chaos and people cursing at each other then you need to go to Popeye's or the B-K up in Harlem. Then people be all up in ya grillz asking for change and throwing chicken bones around.

I mean I mostly joking of course but you get my point. It's crazy that someone in this day and age thinks it's an "amazing thing" that a restaurant run by "blacks" and frequented by "blacks" can be just as "civilized" as a "white run restaurant".

I mean, Bill...last time I checked you were a business guy and you surely know that "blacks" hold CFO, President, CEO, and other highly influential positions in business. Hell aren't there special publishing features and media reports devoted to the top companies run by minorities? I can't believe you'd be that out of touch with civilization that you think every establishment run by a "minority" is run like a zoo. Now granted there is your occassional exception or two but seriously man...I'm disappointed.


Yo bitch, where my collard greens at!

All I know is that I'm thinking about wearing a Bill O'Reilly costume for this Halloween. I'll show up to Sylvia's or some other "black run restaurant". I'll scream at the workers "yo, motha fucka, where the fuck my chitlins and collard greens at". Everyone will have a good time and laugh. And then I'll take off my costume and sit and enjoy my meal like a civilized human being.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to seek out some fried chicken for lunch. All this talk about it has put me in the mood for some finger lickin goodness!

Madeleine Found!!!...with Jesus no less?!

Cue Tom Brokaw and the Tom Brokaw voice.

Breaking news out of Morocco today...A photo taken by a tourist last month shows a girl with similar attributes to the missing Madeleine in Morocco. Miraculously within that same photo, an image of Jesus Christ is also apparent in the background.


Does this picture show both Madeleine and Jesus Christ in Morocco?

"It's quite a revelation, actually" said a spokesperson for the family in England. "It's quite a miracle that she was spotted. It was an act of God".

Critics have their doubts about the photo of Madeleine. But clearly there's no doubt that Jesus in the flesh was alive in well as seen in the photograph.

"Christ and the resurrection has begun!" said one faithful Catholic, who passed out after witnessing Jesus in the photo.

"Morocco has always been a great country for celebrities and the uber-wealthy to escape too" said a spokeswoman for the Moroccan Board of Travel. "I'm glad even Jesus Christ himself agrees that Morocco is a great place to hide!".

Spanish and British authorities meanwhile will continue to monitor the search for Madeleine and also keep an eye out for Jesus as well.

"We thought we had him when his likeness appeared in the clouds above the White House in 1976 and again on that piece of french toast a few years back. But we're gonna get that son of a bitch...that I promise you!" said Sgt. Abdul Al-Sahr Jihad of the British Royal police.

BREAKING NEWS
Picture NOT of Madeleine, Jesus still on the loose...

Breaking news out of Morocco...the picture originally thought to be Madeleine McCann was actually of a Moroccan girl named Bouchra Akchar (bless you...thank you).



"While this is an unfortunate development in the search for young Madeleine, we're still after that bastard Jesus Christ" said Sgt. Abdul Al-Sahr Jihad.

Told you so!

See...I told you I doubted people got sick off the supposed meteor crash in Peru.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20070919/sc_space/scientistsdoubtmeteoritesickenedperuvians

Why won't people believe me that the stench was caused by bad ceviche??? :)

What if God was one of us?

Y'all know that Joan Osborne song...

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

Well if God was indeed one of us he'd be a broke son-na-bitch, especially after getting hit with this lawsuit from a state senator in Nebraska.

The lawsuit, which is meant to show how frivolous and pointless lawsuits has become, blames God for: "making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."

Pretty hefty accusations to place on one person if you ask me. I mean the damage caused by a major hurricane is in the billions...so it's doubtful God has enough bankroll to pay for the damage he's wrought with events throughout history. I mean you're not talking in the billions or trillions...you're talking in the nonameforitillions.

Fortunately for us (but unfortunate for him) God is indeed one of us. Actually he plays professional basketball in Portland, OR (leave it to God to live in an environmentally conscious area). I placed several calls into God about the lawsuit and he had no comment.


God had no comment regarding the kazillions worth of damage he's wrought

Hopefully for his sake he can lay low for a bit while the lawsuit settles. Although I guess when you play in the International Basketball League that's pretty much as out of the spotlight as you can get!

Mystery Illness Solved

So as some of you have heard by now, a meteor crash in Peru has apparently made some Peruvian residents ill.


http://news.yaho
o.com/s/afp/20070918/sc_afp/peruhealthoffbeat

Residents were complaining of headaches and vomiting as a result of "foul odor" caused by the meteor crash.

However I'm a little skeptical of that. Meteors are friendly glowing objects that just happen to put holes in our surface. There's nothing wrong with a little crater here and there along the surface of the earth. Plus isn't the point of skin care products to make our skin glow every now and again. No one ever said what color it had to glow.


Crater Chris proves that craters are a good thing for your skin

I personally think Peruvian residents could have had it a lot worse. They could have been exposed to a bad batch of ceviche. That would have given them a bad odor to complain about!



How can one person be this knowledgable about odors, caused by not only food but by meteors as well you ask? Well, that's simple my friends, especially when you're a certified Tetris master!


Eat your heart out Ken Jennings, I'm a certified Tetris Master!