Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Latte Bath

Sorry again for the long delay...been a crazy past couple of weeks. But now I'm back with some good stories to share.

So this am back in Starbucks (yes, my love/hate relationship with them continues - I'm just holding out until they bring back either the Cinnamon Dolce or Gingerbread Lattes...that's like my kiddie crack!) and I'm putting sugar in my tall skim latte. The lady next to me is swirling her coffee around feverishly while adding sucar (sugar) to her megalargegrandemochalattechinoberry concoction. So you know what's going next? Splash mountain. Luckily it was only on the counter and got on the back of my hand. But still, did she not see me next to her? And of course I get no apology. Luckily the foam splashed on me rather than the coffee itself. I look at her and she's busy checking the consistency of her drink, oblivious to anyone around her (come to think of it she did look like a witch so perhaps that would explain it). At this point I don't know whether to laugh, or choke slam her through the coffee bar. Anyway she leaves and I wipe up my hand however some frantic douchbag stands next to me and is trying to hold about 100 things in his hands while adding stuff to his coffee (what's wrong with these people by the way...you can put stuff down on the floor once in a while - really, you can. The floor won't eat your laptop or your coat or your paddington bear). Anyway in his mad panic to but Equal into whatever overpriced coffee he was drinking he knocks over the "sugar in the clear jar" thing that you normally see in diners. And guess where it lands. On the back of the same hand that just took a latte bath. You have to be kidding me right? At least he apologized unlike the mad scientist before him. But now that the back of my hand has been tar and feathered I'm off to a good start today. I'm glad my subtle hints of vanilla in my Hugo Boss have been replaced with Au D'Latte. Fuckin assholes.

Anyway, here's my take on the whole Kenny Rogers thing. It's well known in baseball circles that pitchers occassionally "doctor" the ball to get more break or spin on it. That's been known since the game has been played. But for Rogers to say that the umpire didn't mention the "discoloration" on his hand between innings, and rather Rogers claimed the conversation was about time between innings (why couldn't he make up a better lie there...like he was asking about the family, or seeing where he wanted to grab dinner that evening). Anyway both Leyland and the umpire said the conversation was about the substance on his hand, which Rogers denies. So who's telling the truth? Rogers? Or an 102 year old manager and an umpire? I mean looking at this picture it's clear that Rogers has more substances on his hand than Bob Ross' color palette. If you look closely you may see some happy little trees on his hand too.

Oh well, I guess one will never know for sure. Although some of his teammates had said it's food on his hand. I don't know about you but if there's food on my hand I'd eat it. I wouldn't save it through a few hours of sweating on a pitcher's mound. However here's some comments from Andy Van Slyke, a hitting coach for the Tigers about the "gunk" on Rogers hand:

"You know, he has a terrible habit," Tigers coach Andy Van Slyke reported, "of eating Tootsie Rolls. And he happened to sit next to a heater."

Right. That was probably it. And there are undoubtedly other possibilities, too. Like, well, chocolate cake. Tigers closer Todd Jones tossed that one out there Sunday night.

"No," Van Slyke said, in instant denial mode. "You can't bring cake on the bench. You've got to eat something with a wrapper on it."

All right. How about soup? That's about the same color as Rogers' hand.

"Nope," Van Slyke said. "No utensils allowed on the bench. But if we were playing in Japan, it might have been wasabi."

OK, so if this were the Japan tour, we might be on to something. But since this is the World Series, that's out.

So was there any chance, us media madmen persisted, that it might have been pine tar? And Van Slyke was just about the perfect person to ask, too, since he was seen in the dugout in what appeared to be a long, between-innings chat with Rogers after the first inning Sunday.

But in truth, "I wasn't involved in the conversation," Van Slyke quipped. "Just, when I shook Kenny's hand, it took me 30 seconds to get unstuck."


Last time I checked dirt isn't exactly sticky. One bullpen coach suggested that it was pine tar on Rogers hand. He has a pretty interesting comment about players using sunscreen, lotion, ky jelly (well maybe not ky), but you can view that article here:

Anyway don't want to beat this dead horse any further. All I know is that perhaps I should pitch for whomever team tonight...especially with the "sticky latte-based substance" on the back of my hand.

Also for all those people who were complaining that NO one would want to watch a Yankees vs Mets world series outside of New York cause no one would watch, feast your eyes on this: The St. Louis Cardinals' 7-2 victory over the Detroit Tigers on Saturday night received an 8.0 fast national rating and 15 share, Fox said Monday, down 16 percent from the previous record low for an opener, a 9.5 for last year's 5-3 Chicago White Sox win over the Houston Astros.

Tis all for now...I'll be back with more fun and musings shortly.

1 comment:

Olore said...

Jeff Nelson used to put shit on his fingers (not palm though) so he could snap off that nasy curveball.

This is straight from my brother who was in the bullpen with him.

It happens. We have to deal with it.

Hey maybe it was Vagisil like in Major League!

Rick: What's that shit on your chest?

Eddie: [wiping his finger across his chest] Crisco

Eddie: [wiping his finger across his waist line] Bardol

Eddie: [wiping his finger along his head] Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeño up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just... [wipes his nose] ...wipe my nose.

Rick: You put snot on the ball?

Eddie: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

Gotta love the internets! These pipes are amazing.