"Cult" of Personality



So I'm stealing a line from one of my most favorite songs of all time, Living Colour's Cult of Personality.

Although the cult I'm referring to are the fans that inhabit Darrel Royal Stadium at the University of Texas, Austin.

I was last at a Longhorns game about 5 years ago and was amazed by how every single fan knew every single chant and battle hymn. Coming from a I-AA football school, we were lucky if students remembered when the team was actually at home.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to another Longhorns game this past weekend, as we were down in Austin celebrating Rich's bachelor party. We saw UT take on perennial powerhouse Nebraska, who themselves have been struggling of late.

The hotel we stayed at (the Days Inn University) was packed full of Nebraska fans who made the trip down south. However, not wanting to be the enemies of 80,000 fans that pack into the stadium, we decide to don the home burnt orange and white.


The crew donning the burnt orange and white

We ended up tailgating at Sholz Garten before the game...which was this huge facility with a large backyard picnic type area with hundreds of peeps packed in. They had a large indoor hall with a big screen TV, where diehards were glued to one of the games. Outside they had a few bars with bbq grills. After waiting in line for 20 minutes for a pulled pork sandwich at one of the pits, I grabbed a seat and took a bite. However said pulled pork was kinda cold and very fatty. Definitely not an appetizing snack whatsoever, especially added to the fact I waited 20 minutes to get it.


The disappointing pulled pork at Sholz

Other than that the beer was great (kudos for having Spaten Oktoberfest on draft!) and the atmosphere was pretty kick ass!

(side rant coming: everything in Austin is made to order. Nothing is cooked ahead of time. While this is a nice touch, it adds completely unnecessary delays, especially at a tailgate or even at the game itself. The lines all day were ridiculous, because even soda from the fountain was made to order. They even ran out of hotdogs and pretzels before half time because they didn't keep filling the machines. At Sholz, they made the burgers to order. So they waited for someone to order before throwing it on the grill. Now, when you have a line, of lets say 50 people or so, good planning dictates more than half of them will be getting a burger when it's one of the 5 items you offer up. Dont'cha think you should have a bunch grilling and ready to rock, instead of having people stand there for 20 minutes? I mean I appreciate the "human touch", I really do. But let's talk about efficiencies here people. Think ahead. Prepare. Don't run out of fuckin hotdogs at a football game. Thanks).

Back to football. Even though the team is struggling a bit this season, the fans were rapid from the opening ceremonies. The old PeeWee favorite "The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...Deep in the Heart of Texas" gets the crowd singing along, young and old alike. Not even at a professional football game will you find the crowd as pumped up before the game even starts than you will at UT. Case in point, when the players emerge from the tunnel and head across the field for a pre-game prayer, the fans pray with them.



It's not all that surprising considering that in a state like Texas, football and god go hand-in-hand.








The Longhorns ended up winning the game 28-25. Nebraska actually had a lead in the second half with momentum, but couldn't capitalize on a Interception around midfield as their drive stalled and ultimately UT took advantage of their superior talent in the game.



There's some more stories to share, including how it took us over an hour to get food served to us at two different locations over the weekend...so stay tuned!

Joey! Joey!



The "Tsunami" has done it again. After getting beaten around by Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti in recent competitions, my man Joey redeemed himself by eating an astonishing 103 Crystal burgers in 8 minutes to take the 2007 Crystal Eating championship!

You can check out the short Sportscenter vidoe recap here: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?&brand=null&videoId=3084545&n8pe6c=2

That my friends is un fucking real. The previous record was 97 by Kobayashi...so this was 6 better. How crazy is Joey's feat? Well how about devouring an average of nearly 13 burgers a minute! Now before you run off saying they're small, and that's not a "real burger"...you try eating 103 of anything in 8 minutes and see if you can do it! Even some of the best eaters in the world only hit in the 40-50 burger range in 8 minutes. Over 100 is just un thinkable.



Personally I'm more of a White Castle guy myself, but having never had a Krystal I won't knock it till I try it. Just word of advice, if you're searching for Krystal in Google's image search, let's just say you're gonna get a different set of "buns":



I mean not that there's anything wrong with those buns...but in case you happen to be in a public place, you may want to proceed with caution.

For those waiting for a story from this weekend's bachelor party in Austin, I'll have that and some pics for you shortly.

Thanks for your patience. :)

WTF??? is right!!!

Umm...so...once again Ration Reality will be supplying the video fun for this Friday (mainly because I have to jet to the airport in an hour for a flight to Austin....Texas...not Massachussetts). That and I laughed pretty much an hour straight after watching them so it unfortunately sapped all of the humor from me. Thanks alot guys.

Today's video installment comes courtesy of our neighbors from the north, who apparently have raised the bar for commercials which blatently cross the line between...well let's just say these commercials would never fly in the good ole prudish U S of A.

The series of commercials are for convenience store beverages from a chain store called Mac's. They are branding this drink called WTF which is supposed to be short for What's the Flavour? But clearly the WTF is not purely coincidence, considering they also have a slogan that was OMFG which stands for Oh My Froster's Gone.

I must say nicely done by the Canadians. Way to take advantage of this acronym language society we've become over the years. Before I give away too much of the plot, here are some snapshots from the commercials:


Two girls getting a giant tree of liquid "off"


A girl licking a "berry flavored" zit


A man giving birth to an egg filled with juice


A bloody attack that rivals Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding

And finally my favorite...


A robot who fucks a pommelhorse to produce juice

You can go here to view these video clips in all their glory.

I mean...talk about some fucked up marketing approaches! Could you imagine 7-11 going this route for promoting their Slurpies? Or maybe the next reincarnation of Slush Puppies for 'adults' where a girl is 'redrocketing' a puppie to produce the flavors for the slush puppie?


Slush Puppies new marketing campaign could be entitled "LOL" - short for Lick our liquids.

I mean the possibilities are endless! Although I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere Sonic is producing a whole line of drinks labeled LMAO or some other acronym that is overly used this days.

Anyway, I'm off to Austin for faithful reader Rich's bachelor party. Assuming my liver doesn't explode I'll be back for more fun on Monday. Enjoy your weekend!

What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.



Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.



I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

The Guacamole Story

So many of my friends have heard this story by now, so figured it was a good one to share on this rainy Wednesday. Plus after all these months I finally got the pictures of the ordeal so for the first time ever, there's some pictures to go along with the infamous story.

Back at our Holiday party last December in our office, we had a professional chef - John Reilly - come and cook up us a feast. Mr. Reilly is a renowned chef who has cooked for presidents in the White House and now has a catering company here in NYC. Mr. Reilly is also an avid hunter and wild game chef, and delighted us in the past with such delicacies as Black Bear empanadas, Braised Pheasant, Smoked Duck Lo Mein and Venison Burgers.

For our holiday party Mr. Reilly served up a smorgasboard of treats, including grilled shrimp, lamb chops, chicken and beef skewers and venison quesadillas with homemade quacamole.

It was heaven for a carnivore and I was up to the task, eating pretty much non-stop for 2 straight hours. Plus I helped myself to a bunch of beers and homemade margaritias.

At the end of the party, dessert came out in the form of homemade fudge brownie squares with vanilla ice cream. Of course there's always room for desert so I helped myself to a few squares and was ready to call it an evening.

A bunch of us were sitting around and the conversation turned to eating. One of my coworkers bragged about how many brownie squares he could shove in his mouth. This inevitably led to conversations about eating capacity, which somehow turned into a dare.

There was a full bowl of guacamole on the table. When I say full, I mean flowing and over the top. The guacamole was in one of those molcajetes - the stone bowls traditionally used at Mexican restaurants to serve guacamole. Somehow the bet turned to me and the challenge was to finish the entire bowl of guacamole in 5 minutes.

Initially I resisted since I had just eaten and drank for 2 straight hours and was way past capacity. Even though money started flowing on the table (got up to $100), it was ultimately my pride (and stupidity) that led me to accept the challenge.

At first the guacamole went down smoothly and I was plowing along. However no matter how fast I ate, when someone would scoop a fresh batch onto my plate it seemed like the bowl was still way past full. It didn't help matters that some in the room were trying to make me laugh, including putting one of those 100 gallon garbage bins next to me.


Co-workers making me laugh was costing me some valuable time

I was undeterred however and kept plowing along. However at the three minute mark things started to slow down tremendously. At this point our lovely PR director here decided to get her camera to start capturing the action (in case I started to puke everywhere - how kind of her :)



My hands literally started shaking after about 4 minutes. I was about halfway through the bowl and there was no way I was finishing it with a minute to go. I felt my color leaving my skin. It felt like I was 10 shades of pale. I was taking long bites and struggling to shallow even the smallest bite. So out of kindness they decided to bonus me two extra minutes.


Starting to struggle


Feeling completely pale

After sipping margaritas (probably not the best thing to drink while eating fast) I got past the wall that hits most competitive eaters and runners alike.


Getting to the bottom of the bowl

With renewed confidence, I started to plow through the rest of the guacamole. Shoveling it into my mouth as fast as I could, I finished the entire bowl at just under 7 minutes!

I couldn't believe I had actually done it. I was beyond full it was so disgusting. I was beyond a food coma. My eyes were completely gazed over and my whole system felt like it was in shock.

I heard hootin and hollering around me but I literally just sat there staring dead ahead in a complete daze. People were high fiving me and I'm not sure I could feel my hands. Now I know what Kobayashi, Chestnut, Thomas and Conti must feel like after a competition. You're beyond bloated and stuffed. You literally put on like 5 pounds just from the food alone.

Mr. Reilly unfortunately had left prior to the competition, but our boss called him up and told him what transpired. After some negotiation, the chef agreed to give me the guacamole bowl, which was hand made specifically for him down in Guatamala! I think that was a better prize than the cash!


The prized trophy

The best part was the wait staff that was working during our party had no idea what was going on. After I had finished the guacamole, one of the workers came back into the room and looked stunned at what had transpired. Our boss asked him if he's ever seen anyone eat that much guacamole at once and he shook his head no. He then proceed to exclaim in astonishment that I had ate 22 avocados! It was well over a quart of guacamole (can't remember the exact amount).


Trying to stop my hand from shakin afterwards

The worst part was we still were heading out to dinner afterwards. Sadly I just sat there at dinner staring at the food in front of me. Couldn't eat a thing.

I did manage to keep everything down surprisingly. I did feel pretty sluggish over the next few days but I wasn't too badly bothered by the ordeal. Actually we went out for mexican a few days later and I was able to eat guacamole pretty easily (at least I was eating it at my own pace!)

I am now the resident eating champ of my office and an official consultant on any eating competition from here on out. I'll have to prepare myself for a new challenge this holiday season. Hopefully it will involve some kind of protein, perhaps burgers, steak or maybe shrimp or oysters!

Big Pimpin

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Apparently our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.



Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: "If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?".



I love the quote from Lipton: "We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

What they didn't tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a "Well played Mr. Lipton".

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed.

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton takes a puff of a pipe as he admires said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: "If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be".

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: "I would be a beav-ah... Monsieur".

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) "Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played."

End scene.

Obviously if you've never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won't find any of this funny. If you haven't seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations ever:



Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.



Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!

Friday video fun

Since I'm probably going to be absolutely buried in work today, won't have much to say.



But our friends at Ration Reality always have something to say! This time they've uncovered some really disturbing commercials courtesy of our friends oversees.

They've uncovered:

* An animated cleaning powder that snorts his white powder cleaning solution, gets high, and crashes to the floor


* A japanese "kiddie beer" commercial that shows families happily drinking this 'non alcoholic' beverage that is supposed to foster future beer drinking among youth


* A japanese milk commercial that looks like it's a play on our old drinking milk commercials where the person drinking milk grows before your eyes. You know the commercials, where the puny kid who drinks milk grows up to be bigger and stronger than the bully who was pushing them around. Well, instead of growing taller, in this commercial the girls boobs grow bigger with each passing sip!


* A Russian (actually Estonian) meat processing commercial that flashes back and forth between the chicken and his meat being ground up.


Fucked up and disturbing? Yes. Mildly amusing and borderline hysterical? You bet!

To view these commercials in all their glory go to:
http://rationreality.com/2007/10/17/foreigners-are-weird-bizarre-commercials-vol-1

Thanks again for uncovering those gang, made my day!

Also, one last thing to share. I'm sitting across from this guy on the subway last night who was slightly tripped out on something. He had a shiteating grin on his face and his eyes kept rolling into the back of his head.



I couldn't decide who he reminded me more of, David Koresh,


or Bruce Vilanch.


Tough call...opinions anyone?

Friday Fashion Lesson

I reckon y'all need a fashion lesson this Friday courtesy of my friends down in Fort Worth.

First, start with your favorite pair of boots:



Then grab your favorite cowboy hat:



Don your preferred leather jacket:


And you're ready to hit the town running:


That's how we roll down at the Stockyards y'all.

Move Bitch, Get out the way

Today's post is dedicated to all of those assholes who get in the way.

Like the guy who was arrested a few years back for blocking traffic on the sidewalk.

The pedestrian in question, Matthew Jones, "was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest -- by flailing his arms-- on June 12, 2004. Police said other people "had to walk around" him, and he wouldn't move when asked." He is currently appealing his arrest.

Well I'm glad he went to the slammer. Had he followed the proper rules of pedestrian engagement and wasn't a douchebag maybe he would have avoided getting a plunger stuck up his ass.

Next up is this fat ass who got in the way of a sixty-nine:



Good job 55. Fuckin fat ass. All I wanted was a picture of a 6-9 and you ruined it. Don't you know there's only two people in a sixty-nine...unless you're in a Utah porn or something (btw, someone got to my blog recently by searching for Utah porn. Not sure why Utah porn is so special. Maybe it's because of all the mormons. hmm...)

Another guy who needs to go the fuck home is this guy:



"The protest was not without its superfans. Joaquin Ferreira, 54, of Brooklyn, arrived decked out in a Yankees hat and jacket. A fan for 10 years, he said, “I’m here to support Joe Torre. If Joe leaves, the Yankees will go to hell.”

Wait a minute...Superfan? 10 years?? Are you fucking kidding me?!? So let's see...hmm...10 years ago was 1997. Oh WAIT, that was ONE year AFTER the Yankees won the World Series. OH so that qualifies him as a superfan??? That Bandwagon jumping muthafucka? Un real. So he's been a fan just as long as Joe Torre has been a manager with the team. Nice. Good intelligent writing AM New York. Oh and look, the person who wrote the article is a Newsday writer. The pinaccle of sports journalism. What a joke. Calling him a super fan is like calling boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ funny. (LK- there you go, I took a shot at her. Third in the voting for funniest blog my ass.)

Another person who needs to get out of the way is this asshole that had a sign that said "Cowboys Bound 4 Superbowl".



Good job genius. Hope some Patriot fans shoved that up your ass after the game. Moron. Why don't you wait until we've actually made the playoffs before declaring a trip to the Superbowl. Oh, wait...you must be a "superfan" too like the douche above. Let me guess, you started being a Cowboys fan in '93? And no true fan goes to the game with a sign that calls out the network that's calling the game. Fuck face.

Oh and btw...why that girl was announcing to the world that she's a Homo Sexual is beyond me. I mean she's cute and all and some chick would be lucky to have her as a partner. But seriously, honey, saying you're a homo sexual with a big sign is probably not the best way to get on TV.

So you need to be naked to be famous these days



So I just heard about this (am I the fuckin last to know? Guess that's what I get for not reading the Post!).

Apparently last Friday some ad agency worker had a meltdown and walked around the streets of Manhattan naked:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/10132007/news/regionalnews/nude_nut_had_bad_bare_day.htm





According to the article, Josh Drimmer, 26, "temporarily lost his senses and that he was just having a really bad day...It was an extreme panic attack brought on by days of not sleeping. I had a bad day."

Now, I've worked my fair share of bad days in agency land but never took to the streets naked as a result. I may have done some swearing and maybe even broken a pencil or two (don't tell!) but that's gotta be some kinda meltdown to go to Times Square in the nude.

Unless he was just trying to show up the Naked Cowboy.



But apparently this may not have been Mr. Drimmer's first nude appearance in public. According to the article, Drimmer, a Yale graduate, was in a group called the "Pundits" where there were naked parties with party goers hanging out in the nude.

Mr. Drimmer is also a fellow blogger. He writes a blog, "Excellence Makes Wack Irrelevant" which he classifies as "some jottings, findings, and sharp darts thrown by Josh Drimmer, playwright, pontificator, patriot."

Although he hasn't updated his blog in quite some time so needless to say he's "petered out" on the whole blogging experience? Hey-oh! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here till Friday, try the veal.

Anyway, this guy is now a mega celebrity. He even caught the eye of this police officer who apparently thinks he's a "detective":


Notice the officer on the left "inspecting" the package

Easy there officer. If you stare at it too long it'll make you go blind. Or is that what they say about masterbating too much? Can't remember.

Anyway, am I jealous at his new found fame? Sure. But until I get into "nudity baring" shape I promise I'll spare my fellow New Yorkers of me running around in the buff. Unless I need the publicity of course. Cause then I can just chalk it up to a bad day.

I leave you, Mr. Drimmer, with some words to live by:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day