Friday, December 21, 2007

Vacation - a brief recap

I may have misled some of you into thinking we took an exotic vacation based on the previous pics of the beach.

Well we did go down Souf to Florida. But only to the extremely exotic location of Orlando, Florida.

Our trip was to Universal Studios, to which I have never been.

Since we got down there a few hours before our hotel opened, we decided to do what anyone else would do in Orlando in the late morning. Play mini-golf.

However the mini-golf gods weren't pleased with our playing mini-golf at 11am apparently, as they caused my shorts to rip. How you ask? Well I straddled a bench to get my ball that had gotten away from me and into the water. And then psssssffft. We got a ripper.

As you could image I was pretty despondent after my "wardrobe malfunction"

But I finally sucked it up, and we went to play in the park.

Right off the bat we went for the Hulk ride...which is a looping, twister fast coaster. Ordinarily I would have laughed my way through, but only after popping some motion sickness pills. Sans pills the ride was still fun, but I was definitely a little nauseaus afterwards.

Luckily I resisted the urge to blow chunks

After finally settling down, we grabbed drinks at Pat O'Brien's, home of the famous hurricane.

After treating myself to some shrimp gumbo

and a muffaletta, day one came to a peaceful end capped by a gorgeous "moonset" over Universal

and checking into our "futuristic" hotel.

Day two found more fun at Universal's Islands of Adventure, where we met some four legged friends

The pug you may recognize as Frank from Men in Black II.

After passing on some turkey legs for lunch

we took a quick drive over to Hollywood.

After returning from our drive, the rest of day was full of attractions and rides, such as the standing roller coaster Dueling Dragons and the most soaking water rides you'll ever go on. Seriously. We were drenched for about two hours.

Day 2 capped off with a Macy's themed parade where we saw some interesting friends

Nice dance move there

Shrek knows I'm the man

How did they know I just love a girl in cake?

Day 3 was filled with even more rides and fun, including going back to double dip on the Hulk ride, Doctor Doom and Spiderman's virtual reality ride. After 6 hours of non-stop action, we needed to break for a well needed drink

I won't bore you with the rest of the details from our trip but overall it was a great mini-getaway. Plus the park was EMPTY! There were no lines and we were able to go from ride to ride with ease. Definitely advised to go there the week before the week before xmas. In fact the only people there other than us were pretty much European tourists.

Before I depart, wanted to share some of my mad photo skills with y'all (Don't say you're not impressed ;)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

On Vacation

WhatPushesMyButtons is on vacation this week.

Enjoy the cold weather everyone! :)

Friday, December 07, 2007

How nice of her!!!

So got this email in my Inbox this morning.

Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 08:31:30 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: I wish you well

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Felicia Adam Swanson I am a dying woman who have
decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old and I
was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago.I have been touched by
God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you
for the good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe
he has because He is a merciful God.I will be going in for an
operation later today.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of (five.five
million dollars.)to you for the good work of the lord,and also to help
the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the
widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due
to the fact that my relatives (They had squandered the funds i gave
them for this purpose before)are around me and my health status.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware.I wish you all the best
and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds
well and always extend the good work to others.Contact my lawyer with
this : Name: Barrister William Francis. Tel:+447011132753

Tell him that I have WILLED(US$5.5M) to you by quoting my personal
reference number Jl/Wds/953/5015/GwrI/316 us/uk and I have also
notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a good work.I
know I dont know you but I have been directed to do this.Thanks and
God Bless.

Felicia Adam Swanson

I mean how sweet is she???? She donated $5.5 million dollars to me/it/my church! I'm so eternally grateful I'm about to cry. I mean I know she said she doesn't know me but she has been "directed to do this" by God. Maybe my wish of hitting the lotto has finally come true!!!

I'm going to email Barrister William Francis right away with all of my banking information and my social security number so he can deposit the $5.5 million to me! Needless to say I'll share my new found riches with all of my faithful readers out there!

So in turn, if you'd like to receive some of my riches, please email me or reply to this post with your Name, Address, Banking Information, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Maiden Name, Occupation, Name of your first born or unborn child, your pants size, Eye Color, Hair Color, Toenail length, Name of your pet, Your preferred Underwear brand, The number of teeth in your mouth, and most importantly all of your credit card numbers, expiration dates and three digit ID # on the back of your credit card.

Once you send me all of that information, I'll be sure to directly deposit a lump sum of no less than $1,000 to your accounts!

I kind of me. But I'm just sharing the wealth, just like Felicia Adam Swanson shared her wealth with me!

Make it rain bitch...make it rain!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Pizza Pizza

So our friends at the ACLU (that would be the Ass Clowns Leaveusthefuckalone Union) are at it again. This time they've produced a very tongue-in-cheek example of what ordering pizza could be like in the year 2010. (click link or image to play)

Basically the guy calls up his local pizzeria, the Pizza Palace, and they have his whole history on file, including his health conditions (among them impotence - very funny ACLU) and a warning from his insurance provider that the Double Meat Special pizza he wants is bad for him and thus he'll have to pay an extra "Health Surcharge" for his pies.

Now while this is meant to be nothing more than a "holy shit, let's stop this from happening now" fluff piece from our favorite Asshole Cleaning Lickers Union, it could very well happen in the not so distant future. Especially if that whole "GoogleZon" idea ever comes to fruition.

But for now, take heart that invasion of privacy such like this is probably way down the road. So don't listen to what the "We do more harm in the world than good" cocksuckers have to say.

In fact we should concentrate on more important things than trying to find "civil liberties" for humankind. Like, for example, eliminating the sounds of farts in public. Now THAT'S something we can all get 'behind' right?

Well now we can. All we need to do is purchase some Toot Tones and all of our pesky fart noises would turn into cheerful, harmless cell phone rings!

Now all we need to do is find a way to turn our 'gas emissions' into some sort of usable environmentally friendly substance that could fuel our automobiles. Now that would be extemely practicable! Just think, when you can say "I have enough gas in me to get me to Pittsburgh", you could really mean it!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Grimgrinch Rascalton

So I was passed along an email yesterday to "find my grinch" name.

Normally I don't play along but this was actually pretty fun, in an office humor dorky sorta way (click on the image to launch the page).

If you use my full name, Christopher, my grinch name becomes: Meanmonkey Rascalton.

Nice...i always wanted to be a Mean Monkey. Actually I had auditioned for a mean monkey part in Family Guy, but got beaten out by the much more sinister looking Evil Monkey.

Anyway, thought it would be fun for everyone to share their Grinch name. Sort of like a bonding experience to pull together the WPMB audience this holiday season.

So please reply to this post with a comment stating your Grinch name!

Btw...happy Hannukah to all of our Jewish friends out there.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Jaws of Life

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph

Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Friday Randomness

So did you guys hear about this...did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah...apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.

Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I'm a bit hungover so you'll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I'd share with y'all some videos that I've taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it...well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:

This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:

Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.

Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.

Perhaps he was trying to be the world's tallest banana. (yep...i'll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here's some clips from the show:

Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:

That's all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Attention Holiday Shoppers

Consumers: Be aware of pickpocketers this holiday season.

Employers: Be aware of employees this holiday season.

Funny how I was walking behind this guy the other day with this Loss Prevention jacket and a shopping bag. I mean, call it irony right? Of course I'm sure he was just taking home some merchandise he purchased at the store. But hey, you never know right? But why would he wear that jacket out on the street like that?

Personally I know no one will fuck with my shit this holiday season or in general.


I have a nice grizzly watching over my stuff:

Try stealing my stapler now bitch. Have a bear bite your hand off. See how that feels.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What are the odds?

Before I begin, let's have a quick moment of silence for Mr. Gatorade himself, Dr. Robert Cade, who passed away at the age of 80:

Gatorade is far superior to Vitamin Water or Powerade or any other "performance drink" out there. Plus Gatorade is the next best thing for a hangover besides a Bloody Mary! So thank you, Dr. Robert Cade for your invention. You'll be missed.

So once again I saw our favorite friend on the subway last night: the David Koresh/Bruce Vilanch look-a-like in the flesh!

Albeit the last picture of him was a little clearer but can't believe I was actually sitting across from this guy again. What are the odds of that happening in a city of 10 gazillion people?

Speaking of NYC and people, I'm actually pretty psyched to see the movie "I Am Legend" with Will Smith. Especially since I recently read a book entitled "The World Without Us" by Alan Weisman. Actually I read the book back in the Spring, months before it even was out on the presses (I got my hands on an advanced copy). The book is now a New York Times Best Seller! Talk about being ahead of the curve!

The book was definitely enthralling and spoke about what would happen to the world if humans ceased to exist right now. It got to be a bit scientific regarding chemical compounds and how it related to objects disintegrating, so if you like that sort of thing, this is right up your alley. But it also offered a great view back throughout time and spoke about the evolution and migration of species, which facinated the hell out of me (I eat that shit up). My favorite part was the discussion of what NYC used to be like, populated by Bear and Wolves. Apparently bear used to fish for salmon down in a spring that bisected lower Manhattan (now known as Spring Street).

The website for the book is pretty cool as well, full of multimedia to depict possible scenerios should humans cease to exist today. Here are some pictures depicting what NYC would look like if humans ceased to exist right now:

After 2 days of no humans

After 2-4 years of no humans

After 5 years of no humans

After 300 years of no humans

After 500 years of no humans

After 15,000 years of no humans

The book explains why this would happen, ranging anywhere from habitat reemerging by way of weeds, plants and animals and the lack of humans to keep up maintenance in our subway tunnels, buildings and bridges.

I'm sure all the pigeon-fuckers out there would be thrilled with this scenerio...although then they wouldn't be around to fuck their pigeon friends up the ass, so they'll miss out.

Anyway the book is definitely a must-read if you like to read about scientific and reality based "what-if" scenerios and are a fan of the world and its environment in general.