Friday, September 28, 2007

Some Friday Fun for y'all

It's Friday. You ain't got no job. And you ain't got shit to do!

Ok maybe you do have shit to do...but in any case wanted to end the week on a fun note.

First up is a shoplifting seagull.

"It seems this seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.

Since then, he's become a 'regular.' He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips, because they think it's so funny."

Nicely done Mr. Seagull. Reminds me of the time I used to steal those little half pint colored sugar drinks that were 25 cents from the Chinese grocery store. Although I was a little more discreet about it. That and they weren't as generous to let me run away when they caught me. Damn, if only I had been a seagull i would have gotten away with it.

Next up is a presidential quiz for you to take entitled "Should You Be President".

The quiz tests your stand on hot button election issues and how you rank them. It then tells you based on your responses which candidate you should support based on those responses. It also tells you how popular you would be based on your answers if you would run for president.

Pretty turns out according to my answers I would support Barack Obama as president. Although it turns out if I were to run for president, I would only receive 1.2% of the vote based on others who have taken the poll! Although that was higher than Giuliani, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul. So at least I wasn't dead last! :)

According to the poll my views would lead me to vote for Obama

(Thanks to faithful reader Alexis for sharing both the seagull shoplifter and the presidential poll. Nicely done.)

In other news, popular NYC entertainment/gossip site Metadish is up for sale.

The owner of the site, James Poling, is a very talented writer. Unfortunately it looks like another job will prevent him from updating the site on a regular basis.

The current bid for the site is $6,000 although you can buy the site now for $42,000. The site is up for auction and here's one of the selling points:

"Metadish also has its very own ad sales department that brings with it your own individual account rep that focuses on pitching Metadish to large clients to sell advertising space. The contract also GUARANTEES that the site will make a minimum net of $500/mo. You can keep this contract or discontinue it and go with something on your own."

I guess that's fairly impressive, considering the site does pull in over 500,000 page views per month. Although paying for an ad sales staff probably doesn't help the financials on the bottom line. So I couldn't imagine someone retaining the services of the account manager.

Had I had the time and the resources it wouldn't be a bad site to invest in. Plus I don't have that kind of capital laying around these days. Although I'm sure one of those gossipy type sites like Perez Hilton, the Gothamist or the Onion will just snatch it up.

But I wish both James and whoever purchases the site well.

Finally, special shout out of the week goes to a fellow by the name of Murphy, who in his comment on my "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" post coined the term "Utah Flapjacks". Well done my friend.

Murphy's comment was: "...No offense to any Oklahomians out there but seriously–Kansas is so bad it has to have restaurants named after Oklahoma? The whole world has gone mad. Next thing you know I’ll be in Montana eating at a Utah Flapjacks."

Of course I couldn't help but take that out of context. I instantly thought that Utah Flapjacks would be an awesome porn star name. Just think it could be a converted Mormon turned porn star. Perhaps she would look something like this:

You're onto something big Murphy!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Gimme More Collard Greens Mutha Fucka

So y'all heard by now Bill O'Reilly done said some racist things in the past few days.

If you haven't heard, O'Reilly was having dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton up at Sylvia's, which is a soul food restaurant in Harlem (one of the best soul food restaurants around).

O'Reilly was quoted saying "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship."

O'Reilly continued "You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all,"

O'Reilly even added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea."

Now I don't know what types of restaurants O'Reilly has been in before with black folk, but its plainly clear he was out of touch. What did he expect, people to be climbing all over the seats, swinging from the chandeliers, stealing food off each other's plates? I mean bitch, this ain't no Chuck-E-Cheese or IHOP, this is Sylvia's. Soul Food at it's finest. If you wanted chaos and people cursing at each other then you need to go to Popeye's or the B-K up in Harlem. Then people be all up in ya grillz asking for change and throwing chicken bones around.

I mean I mostly joking of course but you get my point. It's crazy that someone in this day and age thinks it's an "amazing thing" that a restaurant run by "blacks" and frequented by "blacks" can be just as "civilized" as a "white run restaurant".

I mean, Bill...last time I checked you were a business guy and you surely know that "blacks" hold CFO, President, CEO, and other highly influential positions in business. Hell aren't there special publishing features and media reports devoted to the top companies run by minorities? I can't believe you'd be that out of touch with civilization that you think every establishment run by a "minority" is run like a zoo. Now granted there is your occassional exception or two but seriously man...I'm disappointed.

Yo bitch, where my collard greens at!

All I know is that I'm thinking about wearing a Bill O'Reilly costume for this Halloween. I'll show up to Sylvia's or some other "black run restaurant". I'll scream at the workers "yo, motha fucka, where the fuck my chitlins and collard greens at". Everyone will have a good time and laugh. And then I'll take off my costume and sit and enjoy my meal like a civilized human being.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to seek out some fried chicken for lunch. All this talk about it has put me in the mood for some finger lickin goodness!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Madeleine Found!!!...with Jesus no less?!

Cue Tom Brokaw and the Tom Brokaw voice.

Breaking news out of Morocco today...A photo taken by a tourist last month shows a girl with similar attributes to the missing Madeleine in Morocco. Miraculously within that same photo, an image of Jesus Christ is also apparent in the background.

Does this picture show both Madeleine and Jesus Christ in Morocco?

"It's quite a revelation, actually" said a spokesperson for the family in England. "It's quite a miracle that she was spotted. It was an act of God".

Critics have their doubts about the photo of Madeleine. But clearly there's no doubt that Jesus in the flesh was alive in well as seen in the photograph.

"Christ and the resurrection has begun!" said one faithful Catholic, who passed out after witnessing Jesus in the photo.

"Morocco has always been a great country for celebrities and the uber-wealthy to escape too" said a spokeswoman for the Moroccan Board of Travel. "I'm glad even Jesus Christ himself agrees that Morocco is a great place to hide!".

Spanish and British authorities meanwhile will continue to monitor the search for Madeleine and also keep an eye out for Jesus as well.

"We thought we had him when his likeness appeared in the clouds above the White House in 1976 and again on that piece of french toast a few years back. But we're gonna get that son of a bitch...that I promise you!" said Sgt. Abdul Al-Sahr Jihad of the British Royal police.

Picture NOT of Madeleine, Jesus still on the loose...

Breaking news out of Morocco...the picture originally thought to be Madeleine McCann was actually of a Moroccan girl named Bouchra Akchar (bless you...thank you).

"While this is an unfortunate development in the search for young Madeleine, we're still after that bastard Jesus Christ" said Sgt. Abdul Al-Sahr Jihad.

Monday, September 24, 2007

We're not in Kansas anymore

Never thought I'd actually be able to say that in my lifetime. But I'm back from Kansas City and actually had a great time. My event went well this weekend and I made some new friends, including Steve Hickoff, Turkey Hunting Expert and Stuart Littlefield, who won our Outdoor Life Grand Slam Adventure contest. Steve is a fellow blogger himself and wrote a little of our experience this weekend (I impressed Steve with my knowledge and insight on competitive eating!) Stuart is a native Kansas City-ian and took us for some good ole homestyle BBQ on Saturday night. Joining us for a culinary adventure was Peter Mathiesen, Field & Stream's Gear Guru.

Stuart took us to a place called Oklahoma Joe's. Oklahoma Joe's is situated in Kansas City, KS and is located in a gas station. Yep, half of the "convenience" area of the gas station was torn out to put seating and an order station. Since this was as authentic as BBQ gets I didn't mind the long wait which stretched outside the doors.

Once we ordered the food was ready lightning fast. The place is market style, meaning you place your order, get yur order and find a seat. I decided on a pulled pork sandwich at Stuart's suggestion and we all split a slab of ribs (I was corrected after requesting we split a rack of ribs. Apparently there's no room for saying rack of ribs in Kansas...only thing racks refer to are deers and well you know...).

Anyway lemme tell you that the BBQ was lip smacking good! Unreal. Some of the tastiest, tender pulled pork I'd ever laid my fingers on. Same with the ribs. Juicy. Tender. Fell right off the bone.

The Oklahoma Joe's slab of ribs

The pulled pork sandwich

The side of baked beans was merely an afterthought and the fries were just there to help soak up some of the tasty sauce. The pickles were a nice sweetener to compliment the beef. But honestly who cares about sides when you have some of the best meat around. Just look at how perfectly cooked the meat was. (Sorry LK- but you're gonna have to get some my BBQ after that pic my friend). So needless to say I'm definitely a fan of the Oklahoma Joe's.

It's been tough coming back and getting into the work mode again. Although the day went by so fast on Monday that I didn't even have a chance to give you your Monday morning fix, so for that I apologize!

Although I think this is one of the few times I've actually blogged at night! Much different vibe than blogging in the morning or during the day. I feel hipper. Fresher. More twisted in my thoughts. Almost as twisted as this young contortionist:

My favorite is when she busts into the worm. Unfucking believable. Talk about flexibility. I'm lucky I can touch the ground on my stretches (and that's after spreading my legs a few extra inches). This girl can wrap her leg around her head like it's a bandana. Crazy.

Anyway I'm sitting here watching Drew Brees continue to suck ass. He's really killing me in fantasy football this year. My team is off to it's worse start in my 10 year fantasy career and I really have him to blame. Good job Drew. Way to follow up on that dream season of yours.

I'm so depressed I went out and bought myself a cherry pie to make myself feel better. After devouring it in about 4 seconds along with a glass of Chocolate Soy milk I feel a little better about life. Although can't say the same for my stomach.

Actually watching Brees stink up the joint my stomach is starting to turn a bit. Kinda sounds like it's trying to sing Warrant's Cherry Pie song. You know the words:

She's my

Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good make a grown man cry

Oh yeah

She's my

Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye

Yeah sweet


Friday, September 21, 2007

Kansas City...Kansas City Here I Come

Off to Kansas City this weekend. Actually looking forward to sinking my teeth into some BBQ goodness.

I've had that old Kansas City song stuck in my head all know the one by Wilbert Harrison:

I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

I'll be standing on the corner
On the corner of Twelfth Street and Vine
I'm gonna be standing on the corner
On the corner of Twelfth Street and Vine
With my Kansas City baby
And a bottle of Kansas City wine.

Well I might take a train
I might take a plane, but if I have to walk
I'm gonna get there just the same
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

I'm gonna pack my clothes
Leave at the break of dawn
I'm gonna pack my clothes
Everybody will be sleeping
Nobody will know where I've gone
Cause if I stay in town
I know I'm gonna die.
Gotta find a friendly city
And that's the reason why,
I'm going to Kansas City
Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.

Although in my case the "loving" I'm gonna get there is coming courtesy of a huge meaty tender rack...





You didn't think I was gonna show you a woman's rack did you? Please...this is a family friendly blog! I would NEVER show gratitious pictures of a female's rack...

unless she was holding a rack of her own of course!

Now THAT's a nice rack...(obviously I'm not refering to the girl)

Regardless...for those not fasting this weekend (I'm definitely playing my Catholic Card this weekend)...enjoy your weekend. I know I definitely will!


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Told you so!

See...I told you I doubted people got sick off the supposed meteor crash in Peru.

Why won't people believe me that the stench was caused by bad ceviche??? :)

What if God was one of us?

Y'all know that Joan Osborne song...

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

Well if God was indeed one of us he'd be a broke son-na-bitch, especially after getting hit with this lawsuit from a state senator in Nebraska.

The lawsuit, which is meant to show how frivolous and pointless lawsuits has become, blames God for: "making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."

Pretty hefty accusations to place on one person if you ask me. I mean the damage caused by a major hurricane is in the it's doubtful God has enough bankroll to pay for the damage he's wrought with events throughout history. I mean you're not talking in the billions or're talking in the nonameforitillions.

Fortunately for us (but unfortunate for him) God is indeed one of us. Actually he plays professional basketball in Portland, OR (leave it to God to live in an environmentally conscious area). I placed several calls into God about the lawsuit and he had no comment.

God had no comment regarding the kazillions worth of damage he's wrought

Hopefully for his sake he can lay low for a bit while the lawsuit settles. Although I guess when you play in the International Basketball League that's pretty much as out of the spotlight as you can get!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Mystery Illness Solved

So as some of you have heard by now, a meteor crash in Peru has apparently made some Peruvian residents ill.


Residents were complaining of headaches and vomiting as a result of "foul odor" caused by the meteor crash.

However I'm a little skeptical of that. Meteors are friendly glowing objects that just happen to put holes in our surface. There's nothing wrong with a little crater here and there along the surface of the earth. Plus isn't the point of skin care products to make our skin glow every now and again. No one ever said what color it had to glow.

Crater Chris proves that craters are a good thing for your skin

I personally think Peruvian residents could have had it a lot worse. They could have been exposed to a bad batch of ceviche. That would have given them a bad odor to complain about!

How can one person be this knowledgable about odors, caused by not only food but by meteors as well you ask? Well, that's simple my friends, especially when you're a certified Tetris master!

Eat your heart out Ken Jennings, I'm a certified Tetris Master!

Monday, September 17, 2007

I hate Jewish holidays

Seriously...all you do is eat. And eat. And eat.

I mean I was doing well on my quasi, not really a diet but trying to watch what I eat type of deal. I even felt like I may have dropped a pound or two in the past few days. But kiss that goodbye. That kugel, brisket and turkey I devoured last week? Still trying to work that off. Ribs, bbq chicken, burgers and hot dogs? I'll be feeling that for a while too. Of course the numerous beers I consumed over the weekend didn't help matters much either.

In fact on Sunday I was so bloated I was mistaken for this blimp that was hovering above my neighborhood.

I mean if people thought Britney was fat at the VMA's last week they obviously haven't seen me in a half shirt recently. Nor would you probably want to for that matter. But regardless the sight isn't pretty.

Anyway I know people on occassion visit my blog to get some good food ideas so I guess I should stop bitching about the negative aspects of food (the weight gain) and start talking about the glorious fried goodness I tend to devour on a daily basis (or as Laurie Kendrick so eloquently called me: a Carbohydrate Munching Bastard!).

So I've decided that every Monday I'll have a new feature entitled: "What I ate Last Week". I won't recap every item in its painstakingly caloric detail, but I'll just offer some highlights of things I enjoyed and stuff you shouldn't probably eat yourself...lest you want to look more like Rosie O'Donnell than Kate Moss. But if you are the dieting type, then maybe you can "eat vicariously" through me. Which doesn't sound all that appealing when you think about it...but you get the point.

Anyway, without further adieu...

Item #1: Chicken Parm Hero - Bella Napoli

As I've mentioned countless times before, Chicken Parm is my all time favorite. And very few make it as good as Bella Napoli. The seeded roll gave this week's version a nice added crunch! And to those who complain about the "service" it's a fuckin pizzeria for christ's're not supposed to have friendly service. (Btw LK - let's make sure we hit 'em up when you finally make your long awaited visit to the NYC)

Item #2: Grilled cheese (gruyere) with carmelized onions on toasted rye.

A co-worker got me hooked on 'wichcraft which is an artisan type sandwich shop at the Equinox gym on Park & 33rd (they also have free standing "stands" in Bryant Park). The sandwiches are very tasty and the smoothies are top-notch. Only problem is it's a little pricey so make sure it's not an everyday indulgence. But you do get good bang for your buck...and the sandwich combinations are quite palette pleasing.

So those are the two "highlights" for now. Hopefully this week will be a very "low carb" week for me so I can decompress from the carb fest that was this past weekend. But I'll try to eat one or two tasty morsels for y'all that'll leave you drooling on your keyboard.

Oh and good job by the Yanks last I've said countless times, there's no shock factor for the Red Sox when it comes to Rivera anymore. I'm shocked he didn't blow the save. Seriously. I know he's one of the best closers of all time but when you're facing a team for the 100th time there's no secret. No surprises. I just hope that situation doesn't arise again in the postseason (like it did in 05)...because Ortiz isn't popping out to Jeter in October.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Let the "War" Begin

So this weekend is Yankees vs Red Sox. While I'm trying to not play too much into the importance of the series for the Yanks playoff hopes, my Boston friends have fired the first shot in the war.

Good ole 'Thos' knows for years how I was complaining Posada never came through in the clutch. Things seem to turn around last May when he got his bell rung by Mark Texeira on a collision at home plate...but postseason wise he hasn't been the most clutch of players.

Realizing this and seeing how popular he is as a player, Boston fans have taken the insult to a higher level (as usual) with their latest t-shirt:

This of course isn't the only disparaging shirt Sawx fans have resorted to recently.

Yankees fans, even for all their crassness at times haven't been able to respond with crude shirts of their own. Why? Well those types of shirts are banned at Yankee Stadium. Yep, for those who forgot they passed that "decency act" at baseball games, so no more insulting tshirts or signs could be brought into the stadium. Nothing like stripping the one thing born and bred new yorkers have ingrained in them from childbirth - the insult.

Shirts like these are now banned in Yankee Stadium

So Yankees have mostly answered with their "Got Rings?" line of shirts touting the overwhelming number of championships the Yankees have won compared to their Boston foes.

Regardless, the series this weekend will be a war. A bloodbath. The Sox haven't won the AL East since 1995, with the Yankees finishing in first every single year since then. While the Sox have a nice 5 game lead over the Yanks, Sox fans won't rest assured until they win a few more from the Yankees. A Yankees sweep would be a heartbreaking ordeal for Sox fans this weekend, even though they still would be a few games above the Yanks in first.

Anyway, more importantly today is the big Cannoli eating competition down in Little Italy.

Those who know me know I'm a cannoli addict. It's my single most favorite dessert of all time. I could eat them by the dozens. While I'm far off from competing at the lighting speed as the IFOCE eaters do...I'll be keeping my eye open for the results.

My boy Crazy Legs is vying for the title (I saw him "warming" up on the news this am, eating 3 cannolis in 45 seconds). The world record is 26 cannolis in 6 minutes, which is shared by Cookie Jarvis (2005) and Tim "Eater X" Janus (2006).

Good luck to all the competitors today...the next round of milk is on me!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Monkey Love

Everyone sing along at once now:

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Be friendly to your vegetables

Alarming news out of upstate New York today.

Apparently a Chinese Buffet worker was crushing his garlic using his boot of all things!;_ylt=Ano2MHmljECw867iMtZU8t.hOrgF

The worker has since been fired since stomping the garlic into smithereens with his shoe.

Although I must admit that is a pretty good way of crushing garlic. Just not the most sanitary.

Maybe the guy was up late one night watching re-runs of I Love Lucy when she got the job stomping grapes

In either case, just a friendly reminder to be courteous to your vegetables out there when you're "preparing" them to be eaten.

They would appreciate it.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Ridin with the 'po-po'

So last night was pretty adventurous. My "good citizenship" kicked in again as I was witness to a "small time crime" last night next to my apt. Earlier in the evening Tegdirb (perhaps best nickname ever?) saw a few 'utes' break into a construction site across the street. I had debated alerting the proper authorities but held off since they just appeared to be horsin' around in the site. Well an hour or so later I looked outside again and said 'utes' had taken a "long metal instrument used to climb" and were in the process of chucking it over the wall of the construction site (notice i'm not using real names for the crime and product should certain utes discover google and discover my blog and thus discover my identity - you figure out the rest. After all, I survived the first four slugs in my chest while ridin w/ Pac in Vegas...don't need any matchin scars.)

Anyway I figured it was time to alert the authorities and after calling Tres-Uno-Uno I was told that this WAS in fact an emergency and was patched to Nueve-Uno-Uno where I told the dispatcher about the illegal activity transforming in front of my eyes.

After giving a description of location a few minutes later I received a call back asking to confirm location. A minute or two after that another call asking for updates. And then a few minutes later I was asked to come downstairs to "take a visual".

After meeting the po-po outside I walked with them round the corner to where several utes were being questioned (per my original description). I glanced over unassumingly and squinted to see them. The clothing "fit the bill" but I couldn't make a positive facial ID. I mean then again it was 9:30 at night and I was seeing the action from a good 75 feet away. So a little hard to make out facial identification. I informed the officers that I couldn't make a positive facial ID but the build/clothing fit. We took a walk to the break in area and I identified where the large metal climbing apparatus was taken too and where the utes might have stashed it.

I gave a few more statements and then was told to hop in the car for a ride back to my apt. I climbed in the back seat and holy shit...let me tell you, for those who haven't been in the back of a copcar there's NO leg room back there. None. I barely could squeeze my legs in and I'm not even that tall. Anyone over 6'2" would basically have to be a contortionist to fit into the back of a squad car. I guess they make the experience as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway not sure what they did with said utes but I felt like I did my civic duties. Most people (actually all people) in my neighborhood wouldn't say dick because they don't give a shit. But I figured that a) the construction company would want to know their property was being damaged b) lets teach these utes a lesson by letting them know someone is always watching them. The whole experience made me feel like I was on the set of CSI: NY or NYPD Blue or Homicide: Life on the Street (BEST cop drama ever in my humble opinion) or any other NYC crime type show. I always thought I'd make a good cop...although I'd prefer to be a undercover or "rogue civilian" cop, catching civilians engaging in acts of "petty" crimes (you know this from my Rules of Pedestrian Engagement article from back in the days).

Speaking of police officers...apparently this one got sick on a salty burger.. I mean, we all know McDonald's burgers are pretty flavorless on their own (hence why we douce them in ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, etc). But getting one that had a ton of salt on it would probably taste like shit (It is shit, austin).

I agree with the quote in the article that said the cop should've thrown out the burger on first bite. But hey, a hungry cop is a hungry cop! Just good thing it wasn't a donut that had a certain "sugar-like substance" spilled on it. Last thing we need are officers sniffing their uniforms to get them some more of the "powderly sugar" goodness. Of course I'm talking about the innocent white powdered sugar. I would never insinuate that an officer of the law would snort some coke off their uniforms. In any case I'm sure his salty burger tasted a hell of a lot better than the rubbery egg & cheese I had from Starbucks this am.

And that was after waiting for 20 minutes (no joke) for a grande Vanilla Latte and said egg sandwich. All I really wanted was the Latte to help my digestive system perform its magic this am (TMI?) but I threw the rubbery egg sandwich in there as well. My question is why would you microwave an egg and cheese? Why wouldn't you just get a toaster oven and toast it? At least then the english muffin wouldn't become rubbery in the microwave, it would be nice and crispy. Same with the bacon. And the egg would heat just the same in the toaster as it would in the microwave. Am I making sense here or is that just too much common sense? I'm a man who knows my egg sandwiches (was a short-order cook in a bagel shop for a few months) so needless to say it's very disappointing when something simple like an egg and cheese gets so fucked up.

Anyway the real picture I should have taken this morning was on the subway. I was sitting across from a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug. Seriously, that's probably the best descriptor for her. And the women was probably in her 50s/60s at best. Her skin was so weathered and wrinkingly and her face was compressed like a pug's is. It was quite fascinating actually. I was so tempted to whip it out and take a picture of her/it (talkin about whippin out my cell phone of course). I wish I could of but then too many people got on and stood in my way.

If she wore a blonde wig and wore a white dress she may have looked something like this (only darker):

Friday, September 07, 2007

Everyone loves my giant peter

So on this "show and tell" Friday I figured I show everyone my giant peter!

Everyone who walks by my desk stops to play with my peter. They make it talk and laugh. They turn it on and off. One co-worker (who will remain anonymous for fear of nasty office rumors spreading) said as he walked by my cube: "I LOVE your giant peter!".

I guess I'm flattered. I mean I know I just got my giant peter a few days ago but had I known it would have been this popular I would have 'sprung' for one a long time ago!

(WAIT JUST A MINUTE - was that a 'funny' I just made! LOOK OUT...I think I'm feeling funny again!!! FINALLY! About fuckin time. Who's bringing funny back? Yeah!)

Anyway I guess I should share my giant peter with the rest of you.

So without further adieu here he and in the giant peter.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Cue Peter Griffin laugh.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Return of the "Mac"

Ok, so technically it's not return of 'the' Mac, but when I saw that the folks at Commodore are itching for a comeback, the Mark Morrison "Return of the Mac" song popped into my head.

Apparently Commodore is "resurrecting" itself in hopes to jump back into the PC gaming market.,0,2648046.story?track=rss

Personally I hope they stay as low end as possible with their graphics. I know I'd much rather play some old school Dr. J vs Larry Bird then play some futuristic crap game like Halo.

It's hard to top the graphics and game play of Dr. J vs Larry Bird for the Commodore

That and they should go old school with their computer processors too. I'm really sick of new age Windows crashing every other day or other problems that happen with our PC's these days.

Side note: speaking of crashes. I saw this nasty accident the other day. Happened and unfolded right in front of my eyes. Traffic was stopped at a green light as a Firetruck was approaching the intersection with its lights on and sirens blaring. Everyone was still so the firetruck proceeded through the intersection. Suddenly this Escalade decides to make a dash for it and ends up getting T-boned by the fire truck that was accelerating. The Escalade did a few 360s and smashed into a telephone pole, with one of its tires ending up down the street. I took some pics of the carnage:

The driver of the firetruck suffered minor injuries as did the drive of the Escalade. As one of the few eyewitnesses I stayed behind and gave my testimony of the accident. It was pretty crazy to watch the whole thing unfold. The driver of the Escalade was a 21 year old, and had just got the car last week. Apparently he was on his cell phone and wasn't paying attention.

Anyway, back in the olden days, the worst thing that could happen to you was your floppy disk broke. Otherwise, the computer was your canvas, and you could run scripts and draw designs at will (who could forget the old Turtle drawer or the old number formatting system. I spent hours as a child playing around with the old Turtle Logo drawer).

I'm probably the only one who longs for the olden days of video games. Then again you're talking about a guy who would rather plug in his Nintendo rather than an XBox360.

More to come later...including why everyone is telling me they love my giant 'peter'.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


It's been a whirlwind since coming back from the wedding this weekend (which was an awesome time btw! Congrats again to John and ESR-W)

In fact I can't believe it's already Wednesday evening and I haven't even had a second to write to y'all - let alone catch up on my blog reading (I hear the grumblings - no worries my friends I'll get there!)

I wish I had something funny or witty to say at the moment but reality is I'm spent. Toast. My holy shit I have how much work to do part of my brain has completely enveloped my humor side of my brain. It's depressing really. I see something or hear something funny then seconds later it's gone. Vanished. I mean I'm not about to go all Owen Wilson on everyone (too soon?) but eventually I'll snap out of it.

Perhaps a visit from Cher herself would help me 'snap outta it'

I'll find my inspiration somehow, someway. Don't lose faith in me just yet. I'll get you laughing again shortly.

News team UNITE!