How nice of her!!!

So got this email in my Inbox this morning.

----
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 08:31:30 +0000 (GMT)
From: KTFlynn@san.rr.com
Subject: I wish you well

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Felicia Adam Swanson I am a dying woman who have
decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old and I
was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago.I have been touched by
God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you
for the good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe
he has because He is a merciful God.I will be going in for an
operation later today.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of (five.five
million dollars.)to you for the good work of the lord,and also to help
the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the
widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due
to the fact that my relatives (They had squandered the funds i gave
them for this purpose before)are around me and my health status.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware.I wish you all the best
and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds
well and always extend the good work to others.Contact my lawyer with
this : Name: Barrister William Francis. Tel:+447011132753
williamfrancis_chambers@yahoo.it

Tell him that I have WILLED(US$5.5M) to you by quoting my personal
reference number Jl/Wds/953/5015/GwrI/316 us/uk and I have also
notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a good work.I
know I dont know you but I have been directed to do this.Thanks and
God Bless.

Regards,
Felicia Adam Swanson
----

I mean how sweet is she???? She donated $5.5 million dollars to me/it/my church! I'm so eternally grateful I'm about to cry. I mean I know she said she doesn't know me but she has been "directed to do this" by God. Maybe my wish of hitting the lotto has finally come true!!!

I'm going to email Barrister William Francis right away with all of my banking information and my social security number so he can deposit the $5.5 million to me! Needless to say I'll share my new found riches with all of my faithful readers out there!

So in turn, if you'd like to receive some of my riches, please email me or reply to this post with your Name, Address, Banking Information, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Maiden Name, Occupation, Name of your first born or unborn child, your pants size, Eye Color, Hair Color, Toenail length, Name of your pet, Your preferred Underwear brand, The number of teeth in your mouth, and most importantly all of your credit card numbers, expiration dates and three digit ID # on the back of your credit card.

Once you send me all of that information, I'll be sure to directly deposit a lump sum of no less than $1,000 to your accounts!

I know...how kind of me. But I'm just sharing the wealth, just like Felicia Adam Swanson shared her wealth with me!

Make it rain bitch...make it rain!

Grimgrinch Rascalton

So I was passed along an email yesterday to "find my grinch" name.

Normally I don't play along but this was actually pretty fun, in an office humor dorky sorta way (click on the image to launch the page).



If you use my full name, Christopher, my grinch name becomes: Meanmonkey Rascalton.

Nice...i always wanted to be a Mean Monkey. Actually I had auditioned for a mean monkey part in Family Guy, but got beaten out by the much more sinister looking Evil Monkey.



Anyway, thought it would be fun for everyone to share their Grinch name. Sort of like a bonding experience to pull together the WPMB audience this holiday season.

So please reply to this post with a comment stating your Grinch name!

Btw...happy Hannukah to all of our Jewish friends out there.

Friday Randomness

So did you guys hear about this...did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah...apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.


Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I'm a bit hungover so you'll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I'd share with y'all some videos that I've taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it...well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:



This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:


Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.


Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.



Perhaps he was trying to be the world's tallest banana. (yep...i'll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here's some clips from the show:







Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:



That's all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

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The votes are in...

And there's a new presidential candidate in town.

Fresh off Stephen Colbert withdrawing his nomination in the state of South Carolina for a possible presidential run, another candidate has filled his void.

This candidate is full of anger and hate but is a great debater and would instill fear into all who opposed him.

That candidate is none other than Angry Bear!



The Angry Bear has already been hitting the campaign trails with full force. His popularity, spurred by his appearance in the Borat movie, is growing by the day.



Although he'll need to act quickly to get all the support he can before he hibernates for the winter.

And he'll need to shed that grizzlied exterior too in favor of a softer look. Perhaps he can take a cue from Johnny Damon:



An appearance on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn't hurt either ;)

Story from today's youth

So couldn't resist putting this up real quick. I found this paper on the street outside a public school in East Harlem.

It's a story written by a 4th grader entitled:

When I fell off the slied

"One day on a monday I did go to school becauses my sister alway wake me up when it time for school But she didn't this time. My Mom was mad at me becaues I didn't go to school and learn what we was learning today then I ask my mom can I go outside and she said we all going outside. Then when we got outside to the park aross the street when me and my mom when in the park then I saw my friends Then I started to play tag then I tryed to Jump over the slied then all I saw was my face on the floor then I went to my mom an ask her do I have stuff on my nose and she siad nothen my mom said be careful and I said ok then I finish playing. Then we went upstairs then I went to school on tuesday."

Congrats young student...you have broken the record for most uses of the word then in a story.

I can't believe how poorly this is written. Then again I guess it shouldn't surprise me. I mean that's the way their parents and family speak so it's not like their learning proper grammar in their households.

It's a shame really. Today's teachers have a tough job educating our youth...and I have nothing but respect for them. Cause if a student gave me this story, I'd be like Boo, you out yo goddamned mind ain't no one write a story about no fallin off no slide then tell everyone that their momma told her that their ain't nothin on her nose and shit, fool...

Anyway, on a more inspirational note, here's a short video of a remarkable young man who is trying to finish 50 marathons. Jay Pisano has cerebal palsy and races backwards in a wheelchair. Jay is running the NYC Marathon on Sunday and hopefully anyone in the city will get the chance to root this young man on.

WTF??? is right!!!

Umm...so...once again Ration Reality will be supplying the video fun for this Friday (mainly because I have to jet to the airport in an hour for a flight to Austin....Texas...not Massachussetts). That and I laughed pretty much an hour straight after watching them so it unfortunately sapped all of the humor from me. Thanks alot guys.

Today's video installment comes courtesy of our neighbors from the north, who apparently have raised the bar for commercials which blatently cross the line between...well let's just say these commercials would never fly in the good ole prudish U S of A.

The series of commercials are for convenience store beverages from a chain store called Mac's. They are branding this drink called WTF which is supposed to be short for What's the Flavour? But clearly the WTF is not purely coincidence, considering they also have a slogan that was OMFG which stands for Oh My Froster's Gone.

I must say nicely done by the Canadians. Way to take advantage of this acronym language society we've become over the years. Before I give away too much of the plot, here are some snapshots from the commercials:


Two girls getting a giant tree of liquid "off"


A girl licking a "berry flavored" zit


A man giving birth to an egg filled with juice


A bloody attack that rivals Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding

And finally my favorite...


A robot who fucks a pommelhorse to produce juice

You can go here to view these video clips in all their glory.

I mean...talk about some fucked up marketing approaches! Could you imagine 7-11 going this route for promoting their Slurpies? Or maybe the next reincarnation of Slush Puppies for 'adults' where a girl is 'redrocketing' a puppie to produce the flavors for the slush puppie?


Slush Puppies new marketing campaign could be entitled "LOL" - short for Lick our liquids.

I mean the possibilities are endless! Although I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere Sonic is producing a whole line of drinks labeled LMAO or some other acronym that is overly used this days.

Anyway, I'm off to Austin for faithful reader Rich's bachelor party. Assuming my liver doesn't explode I'll be back for more fun on Monday. Enjoy your weekend!

What's this world coming to?

Seriously...first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn't bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn't get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would've gotten called names, like "frumpy-ass" or "not dressed so well kid" or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don't ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi's vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci's.



Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.



I don't remember any kid calling me "Skidmark" or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they're social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn't prevelant in my youth, but I don't think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it's fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditing once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of 'erect' nipple

Actually they're the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok...on another note that's far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude...if you're a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don't care if you have that gynowhatever...if you're gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok...i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

Big Pimpin

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Apparently our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.



Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: "If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?".



I love the quote from Lipton: "We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

What they didn't tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a "Well played Mr. Lipton".

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed.

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton takes a puff of a pipe as he admires said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: "If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be".

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: "I would be a beav-ah... Monsieur".

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) "Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played."

End scene.

Obviously if you've never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won't find any of this funny. If you haven't seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations ever:



Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.



Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!

Friday video fun

Since I'm probably going to be absolutely buried in work today, won't have much to say.



But our friends at Ration Reality always have something to say! This time they've uncovered some really disturbing commercials courtesy of our friends oversees.

They've uncovered:

* An animated cleaning powder that snorts his white powder cleaning solution, gets high, and crashes to the floor


* A japanese "kiddie beer" commercial that shows families happily drinking this 'non alcoholic' beverage that is supposed to foster future beer drinking among youth


* A japanese milk commercial that looks like it's a play on our old drinking milk commercials where the person drinking milk grows before your eyes. You know the commercials, where the puny kid who drinks milk grows up to be bigger and stronger than the bully who was pushing them around. Well, instead of growing taller, in this commercial the girls boobs grow bigger with each passing sip!


* A Russian (actually Estonian) meat processing commercial that flashes back and forth between the chicken and his meat being ground up.


Fucked up and disturbing? Yes. Mildly amusing and borderline hysterical? You bet!

To view these commercials in all their glory go to:
http://rationreality.com/2007/10/17/foreigners-are-weird-bizarre-commercials-vol-1

Thanks again for uncovering those gang, made my day!

Also, one last thing to share. I'm sitting across from this guy on the subway last night who was slightly tripped out on something. He had a shiteating grin on his face and his eyes kept rolling into the back of his head.



I couldn't decide who he reminded me more of, David Koresh,


or Bruce Vilanch.


Tough call...opinions anyone?

Wear it loud...wear it proud!

There's a shirt I've been looking for recently after watching a documentary on the Brooklyn Dodgers. It's an old "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" shirt. It had the Dodgers logo and was given to fans back in the 50s as a rallying cry to keep the Dodgers from moving from Brooklyn to L.A.

John found a replica of the shirt from this company called No Mas.



While it wasn't the shirt I was looking for, it is based on an authentic shirt that fans used to wear back then:



The website had a ton of other really random, cool t-shirts.

Here's a few of them I personally love:

The Amazing Mess


Even though the shirt is referring to the 86 Mets, I think it's quite appropriate given this year's collapse!


Tecmo Bo

Who can forget Tecmo Bo and he unstoppable hijinks in Tecmo Bowl! If you need a reminder on how good Bo was in Tecmo Bowl, here's a reminder for you (click to play).


Rated Rookie


Donruss' Rated Rookie cards were a hot commodity back in the days. I know I jumped for joy when I found a McGwire rated rookie in a pack of Donruss.

For those who don't remember what the cards looked like, here's an example:



Btw, is it just me or does Greg Maddux look strikingly (get it - he's a pitcher - strikingly - I'm a fuckin genius!) like Pedro in that picture?



Strawberry


Love the sarcasm of the whole "say no to drugs" and Strawberry angle. If only the picture had him AND Doc Gooden leaning against a "Coke" vending machine. Now that would be classic!

Although I think this picture would more exemplify a "Say No to Drugs" campaign!



And to think all three of those guys were the biggest stars in the heydays. How the mighty fall sometimes:

Food a-plenty

There's a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.



For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year's supply of syrup. (BTW...waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut - ha ha - I'm so witty) in a "Chicken Wing Chowdown" on Spike TV.



Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I'm soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal's to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi's 97 Krystal's in 8 minutes.



Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth's Cafe in Seattle.



The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I've made some doozy omelettes in my days but don't have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I'd like to tackle that one day.

I'm also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I'm gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there's a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I'm gonna have to bust out the "I Eat'M Raw" shirt for some extra inspiration.



Another challenge I'm up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle's Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese - a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that's nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.



It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I'd definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don't know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I'd like to embrace is the "World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner" at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I'm pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I'm not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don't make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)



(Btw...no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)