Thursday, August 30, 2007

Happy Labor Day

I'm off to attend the wedding of faithful readers John and ESR-W.

I'll be back after Labor Day.

For those readers who reside overseas and don't know what Labor Day is, Labor Day is an American holiday celebrating childbirth.

Enjoy your holiday weekend!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

And now a word from our sponsors

Firstly my apologies for the lack of updates recently. As many of you know I've been off traveling this great country of ours for work and my latest stop brought me to Springfield, MO.

After being stuck in the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport for 9 hours because not one, not two but three of my flights I was scheduled to leave on had mechanical failures (including one right before take off), I was stuck in airport long time as Tom Hanks would say (that sentence sponsored by the Terminal - now available on BetaMax for your viewing pleasure).

So after barhopping through the airport, including spending 2 1/2 hours downing Vodka Tonics in chili's and talking to the 5 or 6 people who sat next to me at the bar since I wasn't going anywhere for a while (that sentence sponsored by Snickers. Satisfy your hunger today), I finally made my way to Springfield. I hopped on my flight and it was one of those "puddle jumpers" with one seat, aisle and 2 seats, with just enough headroom to fit the cast of Little People, Big World (thanks to my sponsor, TLC). I was sitting in seat 2A...which would be first class normally, although on a puddle jumper it just means I'm sitting in the service vestibule (yes, I broke out the word vestibule. I'm working on 2 1/2 hrs of sleep here people. Thanks).

Anyway the flight attendant (male) came up to me and said we have the last name. I asked him how he pronounces his and he said Jet-tay. I said really, me too. Then he says, well I can't really say that though cause I live down south and they don't like the French much down here. Actually the funny part is I don't bother correcting people on my last name either, especially on the road. Last thing I need is to start a holy way south of the mason dixon line by sounding french, even though no one in my family speaks French nor can we directly trace any French heritage. So I just let them call me Mr. Jet.

Well Mr. Jet-tay (the flight attendant) and I chatted for a long while and he was a pleasant fellow who grew up in CT and moved to Dallas 21 years ago. He even game me an extra can of coke to take on the road. Which was much appreciated since I had missed my ride which left at 3pm and had to rent my own car. Nothing like driving in unfamiliar territory at 10pm after spending all day in the airport downing Vodka Tonics. But then again this is Missouri and I was heading towards a place I've always wanted to visit: Branson.

Branson, MO - the Las Vegas of the Midwest, without the hi-priced strippers

I mean how can you not love the entertainment capital of the midwest. Home to such family friendly acts as Tony Orlando & Dawn, Yakov Smirnoff and the Baldknobbers.

Coming down the highway (Route 86) there's about 1 million billboards advertising all of the activities you can do in Branson, like watch D rated entertainment, eat, shop and eat some more. I've seen it featured in numerous food and travel shows and have always wanted to stop to take a look. Unfortunately I was in no mood for stopping at 10pm and even more unfortunately my schedule prohibited me from truly experiencing Branson, save for the neon sign that said Branson and the huge Yakov! sign above Yakov Smirnoff's theatre:

I guess I'll just have to go pay another visit someday. Especially when I'm in the mood for some banjo jubilee and some bald guys with no teeth. Nothing says entertainment like the Baldnobbers!

(This whole post sponsored by Lunesta - who reminds you to be responsible and get more than 2 1/2 hours of sleep).

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Just grin and "bear" it

There's a bit of a crisis in Lake Tahoe these days. It seems that global warming has taken some winter jobs away from the ever present black bear population which have caused the bears to have to resort to other means to get their yearly income. Some bears have joined the lucrative real estate market, others have found employment in casinos. Yet the ones that were previously employed as ski instructors or ski resort lift line workers, have had problems regaining employment in the area.

This lucky bear found employment as a Pepsi taste tester

Jack, 3, was able to find employment as a garbage man

Benny, 7, is now a drive thru banking teller

Some bears have been forced to give up their homes and are basically wandering the area homeless, unable to afford the rising rents in their dens anymore. These bears have resorted to a life of petty larceny, breaking into other bear and human residences in order to grab some "bare" essentials, such as food and water. Other, craving the luxury of their former homes, have treated themselves to romps through strangers hot tubs and have even used the bathrooms in the houses they're breaking into.

Bears in Lake Tahoe have been slowly forced out of their homes, causing them to use neighbors hot tubs for relaxation

Some of the bears have been messy, leaving behind a trail of damage after their romps through the houses. "They went into my sisters room and pooper on her bed" said Danielle Hyde.

The scene after a renegade bear left his neighbor's kitchen in shambles

Other bears have more been neat and courteous. "I chased a bear out of my living room. He'd been eating Chocolate Kisses. I found 15 wrappers on the floor - just wrappers, no chocolate mess. He was much neater than my own kids ever were" said Gloria Bourke. Another homeowner said "...he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of Java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn" said Tower Snow, Jr.

Regardless of the aftermath, the residents of Lake Tahoe will need to live with their new inhabitants as these bears search for a better means and more gainful employment.

(Note: this above story is based "loosely" on an article that appeared in People magazine. The photos and quotes are real...the story is a slight twist of the truth. All bears gave their approval to use their name and likeness in this story.)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

"Fantasy" Weekend

When you think "fantasy weekend" you probably don't envision 12 guys in a room drinking beer, talking football, with a newborn and a greyhound (unless maybe you're Britney Spears). But when it's fantasy football season, there's no time for females or lounging at the beach. There's some pride on the line and some drafting to be done! Well, this past weekend was my annual fantasy football draft. I'm proud to say our league has been in existance for 15 years and I think I've been a part of it for the last 9. The best part about our league is that we try to be together in person for the draft. Obviously getting everyone in the same room year after year is difficult, especially with people living all over the country, but that's what makes our league special.

Anyway, not to bore you with all of the fantasy football details (if you want to know my team feel free to post a comment) but one of the highlights is always the food. We've come a long way since our inception, and at recent drafts you could find lobster, freshly caught steamed quahog, Vietnamese Tiger Shrimp (the biggest shrimp you've ever seen!), homemade chili and other tasty treats (both homemade and store bought).

For this year I was able to bust out some boneless buffalo chicken strips using my newly updated recipe. I bake my famous "buffalo wings" instead of frying them and make a "special sauce" which has become famous over the years at Super Bowl parties and other gatherings. I've started to substitute chicken wings for skinless, boneless chicken breast that I carve up into bite size portions and bake away. The result is a nice tender and tasty buffalo chicken piece that's for the most part healthy for you (minus the sodium in the buffalo wing sauce).

My buffalo style chicken (right) accompanied by Pigs in a Blanket and Jalepeno Poppers

Along with my buffalo style chicken we feasted on Connell's chili, pizza, homemade Hummus, brownies, and Ian's extra large, butterflied grilled tiger shrimp (of which I ate about 20 of - hence no pictures).

Connell's chili

Pizza and homemade hummus

So the food this year was a success, even if we didn't have freshly caught clams and steamed lobster. But maybe we'll make up for it next year!

Anyway, I had another "fantasy" experience last night when I was invited to a swank party thrown by Meow Mix. Now when you think Meow Mix you don't think party (unless there's some catnip thrown in!) but the party was a "Meow Mix Acatemy Back to School party".

The party was thrown in a converted space on Union Square East and 15th street. There were limos in the front and cameras everywhere and immediately I thought I wouldn't be let in with my khakis and untucked polo shirt. But since I "was on the list" I was let in.

Immediately after I walked through the front doors it was like a stepped on stage of a model shoot. To my left was a photo area where singer Kat DeLuna was holding some cats and posing for pictures. On my right was an area to purchase Meow Mix "attire" including t-shirts and handbags. Further into the room were two side rooms with more photo areas, including a life-size kitty play area where another model was taking pictures. The room then opened up into a bar and food area, with a stage and areas to "catnap" and stretch.

Since the party was cat themed, invited guests were (besides Kat DeLuna): Iron Chef Cat Cora, "Big Pussy" from the Sopranos, CariDee (winner of America's Next Top Model) and Rachel Hunter. Not sure what Rachel Hunter had to do with cats, but regardless she was there (although I didn't even recognize her, nor did I recognize any celebrities for that matter). All I know was that there were LOTS of tall women there (presumably all models) and lots of yummy food (and a large sampling of Meow Mix Salmon treats for your cats there for the taking). I had joked with some guests that they should serve up the cat treats on little crackers just to see if people would've noticed the difference (they probably wouldn't have). But all in all for the little I was there it was a good time (how can you not enjoy watching models prance around a small room trying to "one-up" each other).

Here are some published pics from last night:

Apparently the "Meow Mix Acatemy" is here to stay for a while too. So may be something to check out if you're a cat lover. Although hopefully the geniuses beyond ICanHazCheezburger won't go and fuck it up for cat lovers.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Ding Dong the Witch is dead!

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!

The wicked witch of the east, the "Queen of Mean", died this morning due to heart failure. Frankly, this is 87 years too long in the making.

Why should I say such evil things about a person? Well because I have a personal vendetta against Helmsley (as do millions of people). Firstly, instead of being a philanthrophist and doing good with her empire of millions (like Brooke Astor), she was a greedy bitch who cared nothing about the less fortunate including her own workers.

Secondly, back in the early 90s when Madison Square Garden was undergoing renovations, she owned (and still does) all of the property across the street from the garden (where Bar Local now stands). Back then the sports bar on the corner was the "Good Old Days", a true NYC sports bar in which every celebrity, past and present would come in to personally sign autographs and memorabilia that hung throughout the bar. Boxing gloves signed by Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali. Basketballs signed by Walt Frazier, Earl Monroe and countless others. Wrestling trunks signed by Hulk Hogan. Ice skates signed by Peggy Fleming. If they performed in the garden, odds are you found a piece of their outfit or equipment at the Good Old Days.

The place was filled with sports memorabilia including old pennants, pictures, baseball cards, etc. You could spend hours (which I did) walking around the bar admiring the history on the walls. I personally had a bunch of the banners given to me from the bar since that was one of my father's top accounts for his airconditioning/refrigeration servicing job. Anyway, once the garden took a year off for renevations business was slow. The bar appealed to Helmsley to give them tax relief to be able to remain in business until the garden reopened for business. Helmsley being the raving bitch that she was said no and the bar was forced to close. The owners reopened bars throughout the city including the now defunct West 4 st. Saloon and the Stoned Crow (in which I stumbled upon a few weeks back, with some of the banners I knew as a child in tact! - more on that at a later date). Helmsley in her typical fashion crushed the spirits of the corner bar, allowing a upscale Chinese fusion restaurant called Beema Grill to move in. I graduated H.S. from the Garden in 1994, in which I walked across the street and spit on the restaurant numerous times, cursuing Helmsley in the process.

Those who know me know my personal dislike for the Queen of Mean. Think I'm alone? Just ask the thousands of workers she personally screwed throughout her career. Or her houseworkers, who quoted her once as saying: "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

That pretty much sums her life up. Fuckin bitch...I hope you rot in hell. And they better bury your ass far away from the've done enough damage here over the years. Stay in Greenwich with the rest of the rich and wealthy assholes who hoard their millions and build their mega houses. I hope they rename all of your properties too, your name doesn't deserve to be anywhere in this city.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The reviews are in...

My blog was just up for review on, which is a collection of best humor blogs throughout the land. The cool part about the site is the reviews, in which fellow bloggers who are members of the site review each others work and the blogs are "scored" based on those results.

The reviewers (including myself) are very opinionated and really look for blogs to be laugh-out-loud funny. And when they aren't, then the blogs get "thrashed" in their reviews and the scores suffer accordingly. Obviously I wasn't allowed to review my own blog, but without further adieu, here is my review according to the reviewers at

WhatPushesMyButtons got very consistent, if not overwhelming, scores from our reviewers. The consensus was that it was smart, well written and sometimes amusing, but generally not laugh-out-loud funny.

Web Design5.673/5
Read Regularly1.672/10

Percentile Rank: 25

Some quotes from our reviewers:

The blog author does deserve points for my being able to persevere through a review after the first post I encountered detailed her being the victim of a "shit and run" (complete with photo). That was just wrong. Having said that, I found some of the posts and choices of material covered original and pretty funny at times. The overall template felt a bit cluttered (that may have been my ADD-ishness kicking in). I think if he declutters a bit, posts no more pictures of feces, he'd be a bit more humorous.

This blog makes me wonder if the author has an unhealthy obsession with food.

This blog falls into a pretty common category; writers who post clever observations without making the leap to being funny. When I read a humor blog, I want to laugh. Or snicker...hell, I'd settle for a good smirk. 'What Pushes My Buttons' is smart, it has the clever observations and the rhetorical responses, but it just never gets funny.

Not bad, but nothing spectacular. I like the fact that the post subjects are not the "same old" topics that everyone seems to cover. No "lol" but some solid smiles. Really solid web design.

Well written and sometimes amusing, but certainly not laugh-out-loud funny.

I have a feeling that What Pushes My Buttons was the victim of reviewers who are getting a little tired of blogs that are almost funny. It's a good blog, but at this point it doesn't really stand out among the crowd of humor blogs. The real problem, in my opinion, is that the blog isn't personal enough to compensate for its lack of laugh-out-loud humor. Zoning Out Again is a good example of a blog that isn't hysterically funny, but got a good review because ZOA makes the reader feel like he or she is peeking inside the life (and somewhat crazy brain) of the author.

In contrast, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if the author of WPMB was male or female. One of our reviewers referred to the author as a "she," which surprised me because I assumed the author was a guy. I finally found a reference to "shaking the snake," which confirmed that the author was either male or a sadistic herpetologist.

In my humble opinion, if you're trying to make people laugh you need to pick one of two paths: Either sacrifice coherency and accuracy to make as many jokes as you can (Sinister Dan, Pointless Drivel), or really let people into your life so they can see how funny things look from your perspective (Dorky Dad, Zoning Out Again). You can even veer wildly between these two paths as the mood strikes you. But a surefire way to get lukewarm reviews is to strike a compromise between the two paths where you relate mildly amusing, factually accurate stories without much of a personal touch.

Ouch! I mean...granted last week wasn't my most funniest weeks of posts (and even Bridget said people are gonna be grossed out by the shit in the toilet pic). But I mean that's just me. Sometimes I'm funny and sometimes I'm not. But I guess I really wasn't funny last week because I got ripped apart in my reviews.

I was the victim of a brutal attack!

I mean people thought I was clever and original (which I definitely liked hearing) and that's pretty much all I can ask for. Some people will find me funny. Some will find me disturbing. And some won't find me funny at all. That's just a personal preference I guess and everyone has a difference sense or preference of humor.

But given the reviews above from the non-faithful readers of my blog, I wanted to ask my "adoring audience" for their thoughts. Would you rather me be more "personal" with my posts and give you an inside peek at my inner workings? Or would you rather me continue to be an irrational thought machine who I guess occassionally makes you chuckle or laugh (hopefully).

My goal with this blog is to make you laugh and give you a little break from the stresses of your work or personal lives. But according to the folks whose "job it is to be funny", I'm not even at a passing grade (51 out of 100 points).

As Pesci said in Goodfellas: "How the fuck am I funny? Funny how? Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?"

I personally don't care what other people think and I plan to keep on keeping on with the stuff I think makes you laugh. But if you feel like the consensus was right, and I'm not a funny fuck at all, then please speak up. Your voice matters too! Thanks!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My own empire

A few months back ESR-W came back from a trip to Europe with a tearout of a magazine. The tearout was of a fragrance entitled: Jette by Night

I laughed of course being that's my last name and kept it aside for a keepsake.

Well more recently I saw another ad for Jette by Night, but this time for a shower and body gel!

So I decided to look up the product. Lo and behold the product is a huge sensation throughout Europe! No way! Not only is it a fragrance, body and shower gel, but there's also jewelry, clothing, footwear, eyewear and even skates! Crazy!

I found out the designer is a lady named Jette Joop so she named all of her product line after herself (although secretly I think she named the products after me!). In fact, the designer is so popular she throws huge bashes when a new product line is launched!

It's crazy. And since it's a European based company they definitely use sex to sell "my product". Take a look at these hot 'adverts':

I'm thrilled my product is all about the high fashion. Especially the roller skates.

My skates are off the hook!

Obviously it's all one big coincidence that the product line is named after me. But regardless it seems like this "imposture" is making quite a living off using my name. Maybe I'll have to consult my attorneys to get some royalties. I mean she's gotta be raking in millions!

So Ms. Joop or Ms. Jette...or whatever you go by, just remember, as Brooke Astor said: "Money is like manure, it should be spread around."

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

"Money is like manure..."

If that's the case I'm "shit out of luck". Da dum dum. Thank you thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

The full quote is: "Money is like manure, it should be spread around." Which is one of the best quotes I've heard in a long time. It comes courtesy of one of the most generous persons to ever walk the face of this earth: Brooke Astor.

Astor, who married the son of wealthy investor John Jacob Astor, just passed away at the age of 105. Her career was spent being a philantrophist and contributer to society's greater good. She took her husband's fortune and spread the wealth throughout NYC over the years, spending up to $200 million to fund such projects as the New York Public Library, Carnegie Hall, the Museum of Natural History, Central Park, the Bronx Zoo, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the one closest to my heart, the Apollo Theatre.

While she was very wealthy, she was always approachable by anyone, rich or poor. If only other wealthy (like Leona Helmsley) contributed like Brooke did the world be a much better place. "I grew up feeling that the most important thing in life was to have good manners and to enhance the lives of others", Brooke was quoted saying in 1992. That's pretty much my creedo too.

So here's to you, Mrs. Astor. Even though your last days were apparently spent sleeping on an urine infested couch and children fighting over your estate, you will be truly missed by all New Yorkers!

Monday, August 13, 2007

And here I thought I was being original...

So before I left for Michigan this past weekend I had told my lovely girlfriend Bridget that I'll miss her, but that absence makes the heart grow fonder (i know...can I get some figs with that sap). Except when I said it I kind of slurred the word absence, and it sounded like I said Abinsthe.

We laughed and then I thought wait, that would make an awesome marketing campaign! Abinsthe makes the heart grow fonder could be a perfect tagline for an alcoholic beverage that is known to have "mysterious powers".

Makes the heart grow fonder

I thought it was a perfect idea. Original. Never thought of before. I was a genius right?

Well..frankly no. About a few thousand other people apparently have thought of that idea before. Thanks to a quick Google search, oh about 25,000 or so. No shit. Don't I feel like an asshole now. I was gonna design this whole marketing idea around a bottle of Abinsthe and a drunken love connection but no need to do that now I guess. In fact there's a whole bunch of musicians who have even wrote songs entitled "Abinsthe makes the heart grow fonder".

Now, either I'm as smart and witty as a few thousand people or I'm a dumbass for thinking of an idea that's been thought of a thousand times already (hopefully it's the former, but I know you guys will tell me it's the latter).

Nonetheless my mood deflated once I saw I wasn't original on this idea afterall.

So I have nothing else to say at the moment. My creative inspiration was sucked right out of me. It's like finding out Pluto is no longer a planet. Just alone. Out there. Inconsequential.

Pluto, my friend, I feel your pain

Friday, August 10, 2007

What a "turd"!


So they are doing construction in our office right now and we're packing up and moving downstairs. Half the floor has moved already so it's just our half that's left. So last night I figured I'd use the bathroom on the empty side of the floor since I had to do my "duty".

Well imagine my surprise when I walk into the bathroom and immediately am greeted by a foul and unpleasant order (obscure Seinfeld reference for you there, 100 points if you can guess the scene). I walk past one of the stalls and see this large black piece of shit "drydocked" in the toilet (meaning above the waterline for those who need a visual). The water was yellow and apparently whoever left behind their mess didn't bother to flush.

It was disgusting and appalling. I nearly threw up and turned to leave immediately. But then of course the blogger in me kicked in so I decided to share with you how disgusting this was.

I held my nose as I took the picture on my cell phone and ran out of there as fast as possible. Suddenly my urge to go was completely gone. The craziest part was how whoever took the shit got it to come out of their ass sideways? Seriously...that's fucking crazy. And how they managed to get it drydocked is beyond me. Actually there is some traces of shit on the bowl so they literally must have been forward in the seat.

I wonder what this guy could've eaten to create such a thick and dense piece of shit? I mean it must've hurt like hell trying to push that through. Well, I may have found my answer. Walking back around the office, I saw a few boxes of food on a shelf.

Yep...the Thunderhead Venison Stew would probably explain it.

Anyway, I debated sharing this with y'all given how gross it really was. A picture doesn't do it justice. But since I've never been one not to share such stories with my dearest and closest friends, consider this my gift to you.

No need to say thanks.

Anyway, I'm off to Michigan for the weekend for a work event. Enjoy your weekend and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Putting the "bath" in bathroom

Not sure what the hell is going on, but every afternoon I step into the bathroom and there's a giant pool of water on the ground.

It's ridiculous. You have to jump over 4 feet of water just to get to the urinals or stalls. It appears to be water and not urine, thank goodness, but still...either someone takes a bath in the sinks (or toilets) everyday or we have some problems with leaky pipes.

The worst is when you're not ready for it and you take a step and water goes splashing all over your clothes. One day I had water up the front of my pants and it made it look like I pissed myself or had tremendous leakage. You know, when you don't "shake the snake" enough and you tuck him back into to your underwear only to find out there was still some squirts left. Next thing you know you have leakage in your pants and a trail of wetdots down the front of your pants.

What? That doesn't happen to you? Lucky bastard. I've recently resorted to shaking about 5 or 6 times before putting the hose away. I mean you could always blame it on the water that flies from your hands after you wash them (another thing that often happens that makes it look like you pissed your pants!).

Anyway, next time I step into the bathroom here I may have to wear waders. And maybe bring a kayak too.

Slowest cab ride ever

On my way home from work last night at around 11:30pm (I took a few hours "off" to play racquetball last night and nearly broke my ankle in half in the process - but that's another story), I grabbed a cab on Park & 33rd.

The driver said it was his last run and he was heading uptown. Perfect because so was I. I noticed the driver was an older gentleman, easily in his late 60s/early 70s. But I figured he would probably have a lead foot, especially being it was so late at night and cabbies are normally in a rush to go home after a long day's work.

Boy was I mistaken. Now don't get me wrong, it was actually nice to have a cab driver take his time, not kill any pedestrians and even slow down before hitting an axle-busting pothole (most cabbies will speed up before hitting said potholes and give you the worst whiplash you've ever had...especially since no one ever wears a seatbelt in the back of a cab!). Anyway, this guy was going so slow, people on bicycles were passing us by. I've never been in a cab in which everyone else is racing around you. It felt like we were just sitting there idle. I glanced over at the odometer and it said 20 mph. 20! Who does 20 mph in Manhattan without traffic?? While it was nice to take a leisurely ride through the streets of the city, I just wanted to get home. I was tired, my ankle was throbbing. I was tempted to jump in the front seat and say move over gramps, i'm taking the wheel. But I restrained.

I was indeed his last fare of the evening. Hell, for all I know I could've been his last fare ever - and that's why he was taking his sweet ass time. If that's the case, I guess I don't blame him. Although if he drives like that normally, he's lucky if people don't go off on him. Luckily I'm blessed with patience (on occassion - although I'm losing more and more of it in my old age) but I can see some drunken blowhard cursing him out as he misses light after light on his way home.

Anyway, Ephraham my man...keep cruising...and keep playing that light jazz music in the back of your cab. It was the most relaxing cab ride I've ever had. Good job! I think for your outstanding efforts you should be rewarded with a new cab that would showcase your laid back style. Something along these lines:

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Cute? Or Bent on World Domination?

So apparently a giant Lego emerged from the sea at a resort in Amsterdam

No one has been able to identify where LegoMan originated from, but one woman speculated that the LegoMan came from the UK.

I personally love his shirt that says "No real than you are".

I mean could that make anymore of a political statement? LegoMan is basically telling us that like him, we're just a piece of plastic on this earth.

The smile is quite devious you wonder if it's really a spy LegoMan sent from a neighboring country like the UK. It's no secret that the English and the Dutch don't get along. Actually in Ireland last year I heard this guy refer to his friend from Amsterdam as a "Dutch Fucker" (make your own assumptions on what that means).

So this very well could be a "Trojan Horse" trick pulled by the English. If so, it would be a huge boon for the Brits, whose last "Trojan Rabbit" trick during Monty Python and the Holy Grail failed miserably.

The LegoMan trick could be a re-do for the botched King Arthur Trojan Rabbit debacle

Some Like It Hot

I like it not.'s a wicked scorcher out there (as my friends from Beantown would say). This morning's commute was ridiculous as none of the subways were running and the lines for the buses stretched longer than most lines for American Idol auditions. So being a crafty Harlemite, I walked my way up to the Metro North stop at 125th and hopped on a train coming downtown. Not only was it nice and airconditioned, I didn't have to pay a dime. Although after walking 20 blocks to the Metro North in the swamp that they called air this morning, and after walking another 10 blocks to my office after the train ride, my shirt had stretched out beyond all belief. It looks more like a nightgown rather than a cotton polo shirt. Hence why lunch was eaten at my desk today courtesy of some leftover wonton shop, a peanut butter balance bar I got for free in a promotion yesterday and one of those pre-cooked and breaded Purdue Chicken Cutlets - eaten cold right out of the packaging.

No need to heat these bad boys, just peel the plastic and eat!

Needless to say I'm less than satisfied...although I really don't feel like venturing out into the heat at the moment. The country is baking right fact just looked at the current weather map and there's more red on the map than in Reagan's 1984 presidential win over Mondale.

This might as well be the current weather map for the U.S.

Although I did manage to crack myself up earlier. After the pools of sweat were beginning to bead up on my arms, I started singing "Some Like it Hot" to myself. You know, that song by Power Station (later sung by Robert Palmer) back in the 80s.

Sing along with me now:

Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on...
Some feel the heat and decide that they can't go on...
Some like it hot, but you can't tell how hot 'til you try...
Some like it hot, so let's turn up the heat 'til we fry

Feeeeeeeeeeel the heat.
Pushing you to decide (is that what they really said? huh, never knew that)

Feeeeeeeeel the heat.
Burning you up, ready or not.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

She should have used the Princess

It's nice to be back to civilization after traversing through the land of endless miles of cornfields yesterday (I had to take a trip through the hills of South Eastern Missouri/Southern Illinois on my way to the Grand American Trapshoot in Sparta, IL). The heat (105 Heat Index) fried my brains to shreds and coming straight to the office off the plane didn't really help matters mentally. I've been stammering out sentences all day and my eyes are glazing over. In fact I don't even know if this is making any sense whatsoever right now! But I just saw an article I just couldn't resist "commenting" on.

So apparently this French girl tripped out on Shrooms' in Amsterdam and tried to jump off a building because she probably thought she could fly.

The article references that the young girl took "Magic Mushrooms", like the kind that's seen here:

I immediately thought of my favorite movie of all-time, Airplane II, where the wife is recalling on the plane the time the husband did some of that "bad acid" and thought he was jesus christ while he tried to jump off a roof cause he thought he could fly. (I'll have to vidcap the clip for you since it's no where to be found on YouTube). Anyway, since that reference is probably too random for most of you (except for my friends to whom I quote lines of Airplane on an almost daily basis), the other thing I thought of was Super Mario Brothers II and how by "eating" (or in this case squatting down and flipping) the mushrooms, you got an energy boost and you grew in size. (One day I need to talk about how fucked up the Japanese are by inventing these types of ideas in the first place (let's not forget the whole Tamagotchi debacle of the mid 90's. But I'll save that for another day...maybe when I'm tripping on shrooms myself!).

Since it's well documented how great the euphoric effects eating "magic mushrooms" are and assuming this girl at some point had played Super Mario Brothers II in her lifetime (although she was they french even play video games?) she would have known that if she was going to jump off a building or ledge, she should have morphed into the Princess.

Only the Princess is able to float on air after consuming mushrooms

So let this be a lesson to all who plan on taking shrooms and then trying to jump off buildings. You only start out with 2 lives. Select your player wisely.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

End of innocence

So apparently our beloved Mr. Softee was delivering tasty treats of a different kind in Queens. Mr. Softee driver Jermaine Jordan was recently busted for dealing pot and cocaine out of his Mr. Softee truck.

"People would approach and place their order," a police source said. "The bottom of their cup would contain their purchase, either cocaine or marijuana."

Sweet. But what about those people who purchased a cone? Were the sprinkles laced with coke? Was the vanilla and chocolate twist soft serve laced with some good ole homegrown pot?

So I guess only those who purchased their ice cream in a cup were lucky enough to get the drugs. That's the biggest form of discrimination I've seen in years. I'm a cone guy through and through. Waffle or sugar. Doesn't matter. Who could resist the crunch of a cone while you're biting into some soft ice cream. But why would you discriminate against us when you're dealing out your leafy and powdery goodness?

Of course I'm kidding about the cocaine though...although pot I wouldn't turn down. I mean if it's being offered and all. Especially Mr. Softee pot. The street value on that shit is off the hook.

Mr. Softee, serving the best pot for 50 years

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Of course it was a quick birth as many already know the well famed Duggar family of Arkansas recently welcomed their 17th child into this world. The child, Jennifer Danielle, became the 18th J named member of the Duggar clan (counting Jim Bob - the father).;_ylt=AjNyu7n7mYmX65zF0ZRJCVbtiBIF

Now, you already know how I feel about this family based on a previous post. So needless to say I'm pretty impartial about the family values that the Duggar clan employs. While I'm not here to judge, I think it does smack of a religious cult, and many of you have agreed with me on that fact.

Since the Duggar's have no plan of stopping, I guess there's nothing to do but sit back and just watch the family grow like some unwanted weeds.

I think the funniest part of the recent birth was the mother, Michelle (who is the only non J-named person in the family) who said quote: "It actually went fast...I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes."

Gee...I wonder why the birth went so fast? Could it be that your birth canal is well accustomed to passing through children at this point. I mean it's like a fuckin slip n slide right now. The fetus forms, waits a few months, sees the light and then just slides right out.

Re-enactment of Duggar clan birth

I'm not even gonna ask how sex is like. How can there be any traction on the tires at this point? Some of you have broken out the Stewie Griffin "it's like throwing a pencil down the hallway" line. Either way, good ole Jim Bob must be hung like a horse to fit in.

Michelle's been pregnant about 10 1/2 years of her life already and she's birthed 18 children. Although she's got a ton of work to do if she wants to catch the world record. According to several sources:

"The greatest number of children produced by a mother in an independently attested case is 69 by the first wife of Fyodor Vassilet (1816-72) a peasant of the Moscow Jurisdiction, Russia, who in 27 confinements, gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. Most of the children attained their majority. Mme. Vassilet became so renowned that she was presented at the court of Czar Alexander II."

So to reach this magic "69" number (ironic isn't it), she would have to have another 52 children! If that's her ambition she needs to start spitting out some quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets and even octuplets. Better start taking some fertility pills Michelle...because what's the sense of having 20 something children if it's not even close to being a record.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Printing Health Hazards?

So as I was checking my Yahoo email earlier I saw this article: "Your Printer May Be Hazardous to your Health"

The article goes on to say that "30 percent of all laser printers tested emit dangerous particles described as 'causing lasting damage on the scale of inhaled cigarette smoke.' These tiny particles lodge deep in the lungs and can lead to anything from lung irritation to full-on cancer."

That's fuckin wonderful. So all the times I've sat close to my printer, even leaning on it and smacking it to urge it to print faster, it's basically been spewing cancer dust at me in retaliation? What about all those paper jams, and sticking my hands up the printer's insides like I was performing some sort of gynological exam? Is that just all a ploy by the printer to say fuck you, this is what you get for waking me up from sleep mode?

Not only that, but there was a second article that said "Your Printer May be Spying on You". Even better...not only is my printer giving me cancer, but its also watching my every move. And here I thought I was safely printing out my super secret advance copy of the not even yet released Harry Potter VIII: The Pubic Hair Dilemna (when our characters get too old to play their parts and discover sex on the set).

But you know what? No longer will I stand idly by while my printers infect me with their filth. It's time to take action! I'm gonna go all Mike Bolton on their asses!

The Match Game

So a few of you inquired about the food pics I featured on my blog yesterday.

Well without further adieu here's where they are from:

The pizza goodness above was from one of the best pizzeria's around. Nope, not Totonno's or Lombardi's or Patsy's. It was Barb's Pizzeria. In West Hartford, CT.

Now before you fly off the handle, I was a skeptic too, until I tried it. Bridget lived right next door to Barb's and raved about the pizza all of the time. She took me there a few years back and I happened to be wearing my Yankee hat into the pizzeria. The owner saw me and asked if I was a New Yorker. We talked and I found out that he brings up water from the Bronx every week to help "sweeten" the dough for his pizza, thus making a "New York" style pie (thus proving my point that it's all "in the water"). The other bonus is his pepperoni is extra baked, so its even tastier than those pizzerias who just slap pepperoni onto the pie and load it in the oven.

The resulting pizza is really, really good and is about 100x better than that shit they call pizza down at Pepe's in New Haven (which singlehandly could be the most overrated pizza in the entire country). Plus do the pictures above lie? I think not.

Plus Barb's also has a great salad with an awesome house dressing (that the sell by the bottle)

Basically it's a new york style, no frills pizzeria. If they were in NYC they'd be among the best pizzeria's around. But unfortunately those who grew up in CT are swayed by the propaganda machine that is Pepe's and that's all they know. Poor bastards.

The next item I featured was closer to home.

This heart attack on a platter comes courtesy of New York Burger Company.

Their burgers were voted "Best Burger in NYC" according to the AOL cityguide (although I'm not trusting ANYTHING that is AOL endorsed). But the burger is pretty tasty and cooked to order. I last had them a few years back and wasn't impressed, but I must say this time around the burger was quite tasty. While the meat was more medium well than medium rare, they have invested in quality toppings and switched to a broiche type bun to help absorb the fried goodness and keep the structure of the burger intact.

The onion rings have improved as well as they were voted "Best Onion Rings" by GQ Magazine. (Ok...what the hell does GQ have to do with the best of food anything? Don't even tell me the models and fashionistas that read GQ would scarf down a heaping order of onion rings. I mean they're good and all, but I don't need a bunch of models endorsing food for me - ok? Stick to what you know guys, showcasing suits and accessories that none of us "average joe" guys can afford and leave the fried food to those of us who don't have the ability to stuff our fat asses into your $1,000 suits. Thanks!)

Finally we have the Lamb Paillard at The Noho Star which is downtown on Bleecker and Lafayette (kudos to Janet for guessing correctly!) The Noho has some great variety on their menu, and you can order anything from dim sum and chinese classics to grilled tilapia and heaping salads. The portions are generous and the prices very reasonable. Plus they have a kick ass brownie sundie selection for desert. Great "date" place or a place to bring a group of peeps for a low-key dinner.

So there you have it kids. And my apologies for making y'all and myself hungry again! But it's almost time to get grillin' in my cube! On today's menu are hot dogs and grilled chicken cutlet sandwiches w/ melted mozzarella! Pictures to follow shortly!

Post blog note

Here are the yummy Nathan's hotdogs I grilled up today. Good stuff.