Food a-plenty

There's a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.



For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year's supply of syrup. (BTW...waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut - ha ha - I'm so witty) in a "Chicken Wing Chowdown" on Spike TV.



Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I'm soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal's to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi's 97 Krystal's in 8 minutes.



Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth's Cafe in Seattle.



The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I've made some doozy omelettes in my days but don't have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I'd like to tackle that one day.

I'm also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I'm gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there's a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I'm gonna have to bust out the "I Eat'M Raw" shirt for some extra inspiration.



Another challenge I'm up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle's Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese - a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that's nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.



It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I'd definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don't know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I'd like to embrace is the "World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner" at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I'm pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I'm not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don't make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)



(Btw...no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)

Cute? Or Bent on World Domination?


So apparently a giant Lego emerged from the sea at a resort in Amsterdam

No one has been able to identify where LegoMan originated from, but one woman speculated that the LegoMan came from the UK.

I personally love his shirt that says "No real than you are".

I mean could that make anymore of a political statement? LegoMan is basically telling us that like him, we're just a piece of plastic on this earth.

The smile is quite devious too...so you wonder if it's really a spy LegoMan sent from a neighboring country like the UK. It's no secret that the English and the Dutch don't get along. Actually in Ireland last year I heard this guy refer to his friend from Amsterdam as a "Dutch Fucker" (make your own assumptions on what that means).

So this very well could be a "Trojan Horse" trick pulled by the English. If so, it would be a huge boon for the Brits, whose last "Trojan Rabbit" trick during Monty Python and the Holy Grail failed miserably.


The LegoMan trick could be a re-do for the botched King Arthur Trojan Rabbit debacle

Printing Health Hazards?

So as I was checking my Yahoo email earlier I saw this article: "Your Printer May Be Hazardous to your Health"

The article goes on to say that "30 percent of all laser printers tested emit dangerous particles described as 'causing lasting damage on the scale of inhaled cigarette smoke.' These tiny particles lodge deep in the lungs and can lead to anything from lung irritation to full-on cancer."

That's fuckin wonderful. So all the times I've sat close to my printer, even leaning on it and smacking it to urge it to print faster, it's basically been spewing cancer dust at me in retaliation? What about all those paper jams, and sticking my hands up the printer's insides like I was performing some sort of gynological exam? Is that just all a ploy by the printer to say fuck you, this is what you get for waking me up from sleep mode?

Not only that, but there was a second article that said "Your Printer May be Spying on You". Even better...not only is my printer giving me cancer, but its also watching my every move. And here I thought I was safely printing out my super secret advance copy of the not even yet released Harry Potter VIII: The Pubic Hair Dilemna (when our characters get too old to play their parts and discover sex on the set).

But you know what? No longer will I stand idly by while my printers infect me with their filth. It's time to take action! I'm gonna go all Mike Bolton on their asses!

"Taste-O-Vision"

So last night went to an advanced screening of Crazy Legs Conti's new DVD release: Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating.



This wasn't like any ordinary screening however, as the film was being presented in Taste O'Vision.

Taste O'Vision is exactly what it sounds like. You taste something based on what's on the screen.

Conti only screened portions of the DVD last night, but had four jelly beans flavored based on what he was eating on the screen:

Butter

Hot Dogs

Oysters

Donuts



A prompt came across the screen telling you when it was time to indulge in your tasty treats to experience the same taste sensations that Crazy Legs was partaking in on screen.

The concept is quite funny actually, and definitely works considering how eccentric the food he was eating was.

I mean, you're not gonna get a Jelly Bean to taste exactly like an oyster or a hotdog, but I guess the flavoring gods were able to work their magic with that (actually I'm hoping to have some expert commentary in regards to the science behind the flavoring for you shortly).

Anyway, despite a few yucks and eww, grosses from the crowd I didn't mind the taste of the jellybeans. Despite them not tasting like your ordinary cherry or orange jellybean I didn't think they were half bad. The butter one tasted like buttery popcorn. The hotdog one tasted like smoked sausage. The donut one tasted like cotton candy. And the oyster one...well really didn't have any taste. All in all I'd rather eat these flavored jellybeans than a licorice one. Or any of those other bitter flavors.

All in all the screening was a success. The DVD includes many other features, including outtakes, scenes from competitions and other segments including girls dunking their "buns" - literally...hot dogs and hamburgers were affixated to their bums. Pretty funny actually.

This premiere was also celebrity studded with some of the all-time greats from the eating community. In attendance were: Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, Eric "Badlands" Booker, Kevin Lipshitz, Don “Moses” Lerman among others.


"Badlands" Booker


"Cookie" Jarvis


Cookie's coat listing all of his championships

Lindsay Lohan was supposed to also be in attendance but unfortunately she got arrested again. They wanted to see her try to eat more than two bagels without physically exploding, but she conveniently got arrested before she could attempt that feat! I smell chicken!

What I've Learned

So I've learned a lot over the past 199 posts. I've learned that I enjoy blogging...and each day that I can't post an update I'm extremely saddened (thus this would qualify as being one of the saddest weeks of my blogging life as far as that is concerned). But hey, since I'm not being paid to blog (at least not yet anyway), I have to "pay the bills" with my full time job, so no shit about the lack of updates this week, ok? Good.

But over the past 199 posts I've learned that I have the uncanny ability to sometimes make people laugh and spit food out of their nose. Also I've learned that I have the ability to disgust people thoroughly with my sometimes "adult content" and "bathroom humor". I've also undoubtedly led some to permanently boycott my blog thanks to some crude and outlandish behavior. But hey, I'm a Brooklyn born and raised'er...who said I wasn't supposed to be crude and outlandish.

I've also learned that there are a lot of funny and talented people in the world. I know I haven't even scratched the surface of all the talented bloggers out there, but special thanks to the friends I've made over the past year in this little community of ours. You guys are truly an inspiration to keep writing and provide content that hopefully exlicits a few chuckles or a hearty guffaw.

But enough of the sentimental bullshit. You read me to laugh. I'm a humor blog. Much like the much ballyhooed Angry German kid of YouTube lore, you throw temper tantrums if I'm not funny.



So without further adieu, here is the "200th What Pushes My Buttons post"! (cheers, yells, whistles!)

A few things came to mind when I heard that a steampipe had exploded by Grand Central. Knowing the magnitude of the event was pretty serious and people were injured and businesses were disrupted, I couldn't help but to make a few "puns" while downing beer after beer in the airport bar last night waiting out a 5 hour plane delay (drum roll please):

I didn't know they turned Lexington Avenue into "Steampipe Alley"!

Looks like today is a real "steam bath".

New York City has just changed their official marketing song from "I Love New York" to "We've got 'Steam Heat'"

Ok...that's enough. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all night. Try the veal.

But seriously it was a scary situation for all those involved. Undoubtedly the tickle in my throat today is due to some airborne asbestos floating around.


I think I'm getting the "black lung"

A few of you have asked me if I'm giving away any "presents" for my 200th blog celebration. Well frankly that's not in the budget yet...BUT what I do want to give you is...



My dick in a box! Enjoy!

Was there a year one?

So Bridget and I are taking the Metro North back to NYC tonight and these two teenage boys are sitting in the seats in front of us across from each other (like typical teenagers they were taking up a group of seats by laying across them). One of the boys says to the other: "man it's crazy...we're gonna be graduating college in like 2013. That's crazy.".

The other teenager just nods and says something like yeah, I can't believe it.

The first teenage now says one of the stupidest things I've EVER heard come out of anyone's mouths (and I've heard some stupid things heard over the years). The teen says: "Yeah, I don't know why they just don't reset years. Like start at 100 or 1000 or something. (long pause) Was there a year one?"

He honestly said that in all sincerity. Was there a year one.

The other teen didn't answer right away and I noticed he shot his friend a "what the fuck" kinda look. Like are you serious dude.

Well the teen who asked said question waited for a response. No chuckle. No "I'm just fuckin with you". He was dead serious.

So the obviously smarter teen said something like "umm, yeah dude...when Christ died they started the calendar after his death. But before that they counted years too."

To which the dumber teen said...oh cool.

Oh cool. Nice. Dude...lay off the fuckin drugs. Seriously. Unless you're planning on enrolling in P.C.U. then you should really make sure you're living on this planet.

Anyway I found it kinda funny. I whispered to Bridget "did you hear what that kid just said". Which she didn't. And I don't blame her. She was wrapped up in reading People magazine. Although after telling her we shared a laugh...and then went back to reading about things that matter most in this world...like celebrities.

I can't believe Prince Charles was caught wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. And Liberace was gay? Who would have saw that coming???

Breaking news out of the Caribbean

For those fans of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies I have some said news for you.

Popular character Davy Jones, who made his first appearance in the Pirates of the Caribbean 2, was found dead on the beach this morning filming a scene for Pirates of the Caribbean 4.



Shooting for the movie, which was supposed to be a secret following up on the smashing popularity of the Pirates trilogy, has been temporarily postponed.

"The stench on the beach is overwhelming" said one of the production members. "Davy must have been rotting away on the beach all night" he added with a white surgical mask covering his face.

No word on cause of death, although speculations are that a golf ball got lodged in Jones' throat during an action scene in the water.

According to a director, Jones was being beaten back into the sea during one of the scenes. When he disappeared under the surface we figured it was all part of the scene. Jones has been known to stay underwater for hours at a time, trying to fully encompass his role of an "underwater monster".

Jones' character is based on the fictional Davy Jones, who is known in folklore to have placed a curse upon pirates. Jones' mystique is largely due to his infamous "locker" which swallows all of the "bad" pirates and their ships, leading them to be cursed for the rest of their lives.

"We wrapped up shooting and told Davy we'd see him at the bar later" says the director who chooses to remain anonymous. "He never showed up but we figured he just was rehearsing his lines underwater" added the tearful director. No word yet on whether funeral arrangements have been made, although the beach was flooded with lawyers earlier today.

"We believe the Jones' family is in for a huge, HUGE payday" said one lawyer with Jacoby & Meyers, who was among one of the first on the scene.

In an unrelated story, that may be tied to Jones' death, Michael Richards was seen hitting golf balls from a driving range on an island not too far from where the shooting was. Unfortunately Mr. Richards, best known for his role as "Kramer" on the television series Seinfeld, was unavailable for comment.

More on the story as news develops.

My new invention!

So yesterday I was motivated enough to bring my own lunch. I had made a sandwich consisting of turkey breast and cheese w/ mustard.


My sandwich "pre-grilling"

However I really wasn't in the mood for a "cold sandwich"...so remembering that I had a Hamilton Beach (Foreman like) grill at my desk (because doesn't everyone have a portable grill at their desk), I decided to play mad scientist and "grill my sandwich".


My sandwich "post-grilling"

And boy was that just the smartest move ever! The bread was nice and toasty. The cheese slightly melted, the turkey warmed through. What an ingenious idea! I mean, just think how much I singlehandedly just revolutionized the sandwich eating industry! I can develop a chain of "sandwich" shops who's catch is that all of the sandwiches are grilled! That would be awesome wouldn't it?

Wait...what do you mean those already exist? Fuck! Are you kidding?!?! Goddammit...everytime I think of a good invention someone else beats me to it.

Anyway...got a lot on my plate today so this one is short and sweet for now...I may be back for more later...if Lumberg lets me.


Hello Chris, what's happening. Yeah, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop blogging for now. The TPS reports are due asap. Thanks!

Still ringing...

So its 1:45pm and my ears are still ringing. Somebody make it stop!!!

This wasn't the first time my ears were left ringing (in a bad way) after a Yankee game. As you'll remember back on April 30th, when I spoke about those "children" (i.e. heathens) who got into a screaming match above and below me

So far today I've thought someone called my name, twice (neither time it was for me), I've heard the phone ring a few times (wasn't ringing) and I think I even heard someone whisper "Rosebud" (I haven't seen Citizen Kane in over a decade). So needless to say my ears are still way out of tune.

The only salvation I've had today was a nice plate of chicken parm from Bella Napoli.



You don't get much better than Bella Napoli as far as chicken parm is concerned (i haven't gotten around to my story on the best chicken parm in the city yet...i will soon though. promise!). You can either get a chicken parm hero or a plate matched with ziti or salad. I opted for the salad today since I can't afford to be sleeping on my keyboard this afternoon. The salad with nice and fresh, with big beefy tomatoes and fresh cucumbers, despite the fact that I splashed balsamic vinegar all over my desk. Definitely worth a visit for a nice lunch (and reasonable too - under $7 for the combo) or quiet dinner if you're over in the midtown area. They make some mean pizza too, as evidenced by the lines that are out the door on a daily basis.


If you donta go to the bella napoli i'm gonna send the vito afta your assa. Capice?

Btw...just looked up Capice (pronounced ka-pea-shh) in the Urban Dictionary:

Capice: "Asking for agreement, understanding, belief. Answered with itself. Often used in italian mafia-type settings to emphasize understanding."

Example:
Frank: "If you dont shutup, im going to bust your frickin head open with a baseball bat, capice?!"

Tony: "Capice"

Haha...awesome...gotta love the Urban Dictionary! Wonder if I can use Capice as a Scrabble word someday??? Hmm...I can imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Capice (on the board)

Opponent: Capice? That's not a word!

Me: Capice is a fuckin word you fuckin asshole. Now that's 27 points with the Triple Word Score. Put it in the fuckin books. Capice?! (brandishing my baseball bat, pocket knife and molotov cocktail).

Opponent: Ok...ok...it's a word.

"Sue" City

So last night I saw that Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) is being sued again based on a clip that appeared in the movie Borat. The man doing the suing is Jeffrey Lemerond, a 31 year old geeky Wall Street financial analyst, who was shown in the movie running furiously away from Borat as he tried to give him a hug. Obviously Mr. Lemerond, who went to "Dartmouth" and therefore has no sense of humor, has suffered “public ridicule, degradation and humiliation” as a result of his appearance in the film. Apparently he's suing on grounds he never gave consent to appear in the film.

Here's the link to the article and also the video clip from the movie and analysis from CNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19103391/

Well of course they never got consent you douchebag...you were too busy running your ass off like a chicken shit. I think the other guy who told Borat he'd "break his fucking face" if he tried to touch him looked like even more of a douchebag in the movie (douchebag IS the word of the day btw).


The word of the day is Douchebag!

The New York City scenes in the movie cracked me up, probably because I live here...but the chicken on the subway scene was great. Especially when he told the passengers "Be careful he bite" as the chicken was flying around the subway. I need to get the movie on DVD...I'm cracking up just thinking about it.

Anyway, point is, yes these guys made a big fool out of themselves in a movie that millions saw around the world. But you know what, they should embrace the fact that they looked like douchebags (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!). I'd be like, yeah, I ran from Borat...but I'm a "celebrity" now. I mean look at William Hung. He made more of an ass out of himself than anyone in recent history and now he's got his own record deal and will forever be "infamous".

I'm sorry that the little sissy got his feelings hurt. He didn't know his running away act was gonna be filmed for one of the most popular movies of all time. But maybe he should of stopped and talked to Borat instead of running away. I mean he must have saw the camera right? He could have said sorry I don't want to appear in this movie. And that would've been the end of it. Better yet, they could have easily just had the camera running on a tripod and filmed his likeness walking by, and thus he would've been in the movie.

Hell, most of us have probably been in movies or TV shows walking around in the background of some street scene. Not all movies are filmed in roped off little areas. Sometimes you just get establishing shots with people walking by. You think everyone in the movie Midnight Cowboy signed a release to appear in the film? How bout Tootsie? Thousands of people were filmed walking down the streets in those movies. Some were probably picking their nose or wearing embarassing clothing. Did they sue? No.

So the fact that he ran is really his fault. Maybe next time he shouldn't be such a mama's boy. Although he's making even more of an ass of himself now by suing. Just look at this headline (click image to read the article):



Ouch! I mean really...Jeffrey. Look what you've done now! Instead of just taking a ribbing from people that know you, now you're getting lambasted all over the internet. Good work. Hope that lawsuit goes well for you. You've should have just said, you know what guys...I'm a pussy. I ran away like a chicken shit. But you know what...at least I'm famous now. Nope...instead he's crying wolf. And you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf. He got his ASS BEAT!!!

D-O-H

This just in…National Spelling Bee Favorite Samir Patel was knocked out in the 5th round of the Scripps National Spelling Bee this afternoon.



Samir tripped up on the word “Clevis”, which is some sort of type setting device. He spelled the word - “C-L-E-V-I-C-E”.

Samir, for those who don’t follow the “spelling bee circuit” was in his 5th national competition and was the favorite coming in. However the 13 year old will now go home empty handed for the 5th year in a row.

Perhaps he should change his name to “Samir Nagonnaspellhereanymore”. Ouch. The rest of the bee will continue this afternoon with the finals aired lived on ABC this evening. I’m predicting Akeelah to win tonight.


Akeelah’s sass and cold, calculating demeanor should land her the Spelling Bee title this evening

Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted

So tonight Bridget & I are off to London for a weekend Jaunt to visit my sister who is studying abroad for the semester. I have never visited the U.K. before although have heard many fun stories about the island from friends and acquaintances throughout the years.

In fact this will only be my second trip across the pond (I went to Ireland in Feb 04) so I’m definitely looking forward to getting “my knickers in a twist”, eating some fried paddock & chips and checking out all that London has to offer.

Although perhaps my favorite impression of England came a few years back when I got some audio clips of pranksters who played a joke on the PA system in Heathrow. Most of my crew has heard these before…but the rest of you may not have.

The pranksters had the airport PA announcers read off names of “passengers” who they were waiting for. These passengers had “hard to pronounce” names which made the PA announcements all the more funnier. Without giving it away too much, go here to listen the audio clips. Definitely good for a few laughs. Especially the “Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted” one! I know I would have started cracking up had I heard that in the airport!

Anyway, I’m hoping to be able to post updates when I’m overseas but in case I’m too busy continuously riding around Big Ben and Parliament, the next update won’t come until Monday.

I know, I know…how can ANYONE possibly live without a What Pushes My Buttons update for 3 days??? What’s this world coming to!!! Well to make it up to you, enjoy these clips from European vacation to hold you over for a few days:


”It’s mearly a flesh wound”


”Look kids…Big Ben…Parliament”

Pump it up

So taking the subway back from my mom’s house in Brooklyn late last night I spotted something I hadn’t seen in a while. No, not someone taking a piss on the train (although come to think of it I haven’t seen that in a good few months). I saw a pair of Reebok pumps. You know the old school pumps that were all the rage back in the day.


I spy a pair of Reebok Pumps

The guy wearing them was a tall white guy who looked like a cross between Randy Johnson and Tom Hanks, complete with the Randy Johnson half mullet. There was also a lady on the train who looked like Hedda Nussbaum, without the bruises all over her face (ouch - although I think that reference is wayyyy too random for mostly anyone…but me of course!)

Anyway this guy was also wearing some highwater acid washed blue jeans so he obviously just stepped out of 1987. The only thing that could have made him a man of the “double zeros” is some Jovan Sex Appeal!


For those guys who weren't born with "sex appeal"

Cause you know nothing says “sex appeal” like some good ole Jovan Musk. I love the line: "This provocative, stimulating blend of rare spices and herbs was created by man for the sole purpose of attracting woman. At will.”

Rare spices and herbs. Nice...cause you know I've also wanted to smell like ground cumin mixed with oregano and lilacs. Come to think of it, I think I threw away every bottle of Jovan Musk I’ve ever gotten as a present. Or used it to ward off those imaginary vampires I battled as a child. I mean for christ's sake, was that the only cologne that was produced in the 80s? (Along with Stetson for Men or Brut of course). Seriously, the shit smelled like formaldehyde. I think funeral directors used it to embalm corpses. No joke.

I saw this bottle of Jovan Musk "Sex Appeal" at Walmart last weekend - which explains everything of course – because nothing says upscale cologne like a cologne sold at Wal-Mart. I resisted putting on some Sex Appeal lest I want to be followed around Wal-Mart by some lady named Betsy with bad teeth. And wouldn’t you know…right next to the Jovan Musk on the Wal-Mart shelf was – you guessed it – Stetson.



Stetson Black - Finally you too can smell like a mixture of wilting catcus and three day old chewin tobacco

Okay. Okay. I’ll stop with the Wal-Mart cracks and the knocks against Stetson and Jovan Musk. I know there's millions of guys out there who unfortunately wear the shit. Plus last I checked I wasn’t on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and therefore don't qualify to make fun of Rednecks. Although I give Wal-Mart some props - the store does have some damn good values. Mmm…hmm…that’s right child.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy day today as I cram in some last second projects before heading off to London on Thursday night. And suddenly today has become meeting day which hasn’t really helped matters much. In fact off to another 2 hour one right now. Great...thanks Milton. Don't they know I'm busy! I have a meeting with the Bobs'!

No more Freedom Fries!

So with the news over the weekend that conservative, and pro-American Nicolas Sarkozy was elected as the new French President, I guess it’s time we all finally say goodbye to the Freedom Fry.

If you remember, freedom fries were concocted after the French refused to show any sympathy or support for the US after 9/11. Many irate U.S. congressmen decided that the French were so appauling by their non-support that we could no longer refer to anything with French in its name.





Everything and anything French had become taboo.

French fries became freedom fries

French toast became freedom toast

French poodles were massacred by the dozens. Those French poodles who escaped the massacres were called Freedom Poodles

French dressing was banned and all containers containing French dressing were relabeled Thousand Island dressing (since half of American citizens can’t tell the damn difference between the two anyway).

French braids were banned. Anyone wearing French braids was sent to the gallows to be hung

French kissing was banned. Anyone caught French kissing had their tongues sliced off.

French Dips were aptly renamed “Roast Beef sandwiches dipped in an American made gravy”.

The movie French Kiss was banned from all video store shelves.


Even Meg Ryan felt the wrath of the Anti-French movement

Even Vidal Sassoon products were boycotted and his salons were torched. It was a bad time in American culture as we basically committed genocide against anything that had French in its name or even sounded remotely French. But now that France has basically taken a tumble in the past few years, with high unemployment rates, a struggling economy and racial tensions running rampant, the French people actually used Democracy to dictate a change. And their voices were heard loud and clear by electing Sarkozy – a pro-American politician who now faces the daunting task of turning his country around.

So citizens of France: We forgive you for basically turning your backs on us after we saved your asses in WWII. We forgive you for not willing to send any of your troops or offer assistance against our “war on terror”. We even forgive you for giving us Tony Parker who basically stole our hottest American girl away from us (Eva Longoria). We do not forgive you however for Frederic Weis, who inexplicably was the Knicks draft choice in 1999 and who refused to play basketball in the NBA thus causing the Knicks to waste a pick. The fact that you even produced a 7 footer in France is incredibly shameful considering how “soft” your country has become. I mean he should have been ruthless on the court, like a Napoleon or Marie Antoinette. Instead he was softer than Charmin. Don’t believe us? Well just watch Vince Carter basically jump OVER him during the 2000 Olympics when the U.S. played France:



Anyway, except for Mr. Weis, we forgive you French people. On behalf of all American citizens living on the mainland and abroad, I’m happy to officially announce our truce with France and the abolition of the Freedom Fry once and for all!

Viva la French Fry!

Viva la France!

Also want to send out happy birthday wishes to Tom and to Jason. Or in Jason’s case it’s: Taredartzet shnorhavor!

Now That’s a Turkey!

So, last weekend one of my co-workers, Mara, went on her first hunt. She got invited to participate in a turkey hunt with a team of world renowned hunters known as the Drury’s. The Drury’s are best known for their hunting videos and programming, called Drury Outdoors

Anyway, Mara had never hunted before in her life, and the fact that she got to experience her first hunt with a distinguished group of experts was a great learning experience. We were in the same hunter safety course together a few months ago and see was the first out of our group to have the opportunity to hunt (I’ve only gotten to shoot clay targets – unless you count playing Big Buck Hunter at the bar!).

There was tons of pressure on her, since undoubtedly she was nervous being that this was her first hunt. Also having to hunt with a team of expert hunters adds to that pressure since you basically don’t want to look like a fool. If that wasn’t enough to make your hands tremble, her hunt was also being filmed for television! Yikes. Nothing like getting thrown to the wolves (no pun intended).

For those who have never hunted turkey before it’s pretty intense. You have to be fully decked out in camouflage from head to toe since turkeys tend to notice florescent colors (normally you would wear hunter orange for safety, but for turkey hunting orange is a bad thing). You have to be incredibly quiet and still and shoot quickly. Since the target of a turkey is much smaller than say a Whitetail, you have to be accurate with your shot as well, lest you want turkey feathers flying around everywhere.

Anyway, I’m happy to report that Mara’s hunt was an incredible success! Not only that, but she took down a 29 pound turkey! That’s right. 29 pounds! Unreal! Most of the hunting experts, and some on staff here, have never taken any turkey over 25 pounds and most people don’t even get to see birds that size!


Mara’s turkey was bigger than her!

View more pictures of the bird and learn more about her hunt here

Could you imagine how many people you could feed with a 29 pound turkey! That puts any Butterball turkey to shame, that’s for damn sure! How would you even fit that in an oven? You'd need an oven at least four times the size of an Easy Bake Oven to fit that turkey in it (a little Zoolander reference for you). Hopefully she'll bring some leftovers in the office. I could use a few "Trips to Phan" right about now!

I know most of you out there are probably anti-hunting, especially those who were born and raised in the city, but for those that are “more forgiving” about hunting, you’ll probably appreciate a story like that.

On the lighter side of “news”, today is Friday (yippee!) and thus it’s What Pushes My Buttons video day! Woohoo.

Today’s video comes courtesy of Avi, who forwarded me this rap video parody of George Bush taking shots at Kanye West. Pretty humorous. I particularly love the part where Bush is wearing the bandana. Also there’s a funny part with Cheney and a shotgun (which ties in nicely to the turkey hunt story!).



Besides that I’m off to stadium on saturday to watch the Yankees undoubtedly drop their 7th game in a row courtesy of the Red Sox. And having the guys come down from Boston this weekend to rub it in should make the loss feel even better. All I can hope for is another trip to White Castle for a Crave Case to make me feel better! Maybe I can improve on my 9 burger showing from last time. Although this time around, its all about the chicken rings baby! uh huh.



Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Not half bad!

So yesterday I took a walk for lunch to Madison Square Park (those will remember that my last time in the park I ran into a begging squirrel). On my way to the park I stopped at Subway (largely thanks to the $1.99 6” sub coupons I have at my desk). It was hotter than hell in the Subway for some reason and when I looked down at the cold cuts it looked like they were wilting away. So instead going with a cold cut sandwich like an Italian BMT or a Subway Club, I asked for grilled chicken. Lo and behold they were out of grilled chicken. Crap. (They were also out of coffee – brawl ensued. Airplane movie reference if you don’t get it). Scrambling, I saw the chicken cutlets and since they looked like the only healthy (as in appearance) alternative, I decided to go for a chicken parm.

Yes, a chicken parm. At Subway. I know, I know…I’m a Brooklyn boy. Getting a chicken parm at subway for me is like someone from New England ordering a Manhattan Clam Chowder. It’s just not right. I got the sandwich on Italian bread with provolone cheese (since they don’t have mozzarella cheese at Subway) and they toasted it in their “ovens”.


Unconfirmed reports say Subway chains use Easy Bake Ovens to “toast” their sandwiches

For toppings I got tomato (added some sweetness) and green peppers (added some crunch). I got a drink with my sub and decided on a “crazy concoction” of ice tea, lemonade and fruit punch (talk about a sugar rush). After passing on the chips and cookies (although I love the cookies at Subway – very underrated. Especially the white chocolate macadamia), I ventured into the park searching for an open seat. I passed the Shake Shack which had an hour long line yet to order food no one was at the pick up counter waiting for their order. Hmm…bizarre. Maybe they ran out of meat! (another brawl ensued). Anyway, after searching through the entire park I finally found an open bench, plopped down and prepared myself for a disappointing lunch option.

I took my first bite and you know what…it’s not half bad! The bread was nice and crispy. The chicken was actually edible and not too rubbery. The tomato sauce was nice and sweet. The green pepper gave the sandwich an extra crunch. I looked at the sandwich in confusion and took another bite. Same result. Pretty good.


Even Mikey would like Subway’s version of Chicken Parm

Now I’m not about to say it comes close to any “authentic” chicken parm hero, but if you were in a pinch and needed a chicken parm fix, Subway was actually not a bad alternative. It was probably more to do with the crispiness of the bread from their “toasting”, but all in all it’s probably one of the better things I’ve ever eaten at Subway. I’m sure if Jared were around, he’d wholeheartedly agree!

The Sun?!?! What is it?

Is that the sun we have shining? Can't be!

"The Sun! What is it?"

"It's a big, fiery ball in the center of our solar system, but that's not important right now!"

(10 bonus points for whoever names the movie reference)


It feels like the last time I saw the Sun I was in Aruba

Anyway it's seriously been like what a month without having mostly cloudy skies and rain? I was beginning to think we were living in Lower Uncton! (very random Married with Children reference if you didn't get it.)

Anyway, not to gross anyone out, but my stomach was killing me for some reason this am. Maybe it was the combination of having a few beers last night along the plate of hummus I ate for dinner combined with an omelette this morning and a large tea. Anyway, to spare you the details the results weren't pretty in the bathroom this morning. As I'm walking out of the stall to wash my hands, a guy walks into the bathroom unsuspectedly. Now, I don't know if the stench was all that bad since the shit basically just exploded out of my ass, but the guy walked into the same stall I just used. Sorry dude. My bad.

That's probably one of the worst feelings. Knowing you've basically just walked into a trap. And that unwanted "warm toilet" feeling (I touched on this subject last month if you missed it.) The worst part was someone had basically clogged the other toilet so this was the only option he had (in case he needed to switch stalls).

I know I've touched on this subject many times before (much to your dismay I'm sure) but bathroom stalls should have a warning system on them that notifies you how long its been since the last person used the stall. Maybe the door can turn red if the stall was just used (as a red warning light to not go in there). Maybe an orange colored door would mean be warned, the shitter was just used within the last 15 minutes. A green colored door could mean that coast is relatively clear, shitter hasn't been used within 30 minutes.

Something to think about maybe if you're a bathroom stall door manufacturer?

Anyway, since it's Friday, its time to humor you with a funny video. Today's video comes courtesy of Bill Simmons' Sports Guy blog. An american baseball player gets hit by a Japanese pitcher and charges the mound. Unlike baseball in the states where the pitcher stands in and tries to defend himself, this pitcher decides to turn tail and run away. Pretty humorous, especially the teammates trying to cut the enraged player off so he won't get to the pitcher.



Enjoy your weekend of fun in the sun (for those who haven't seen it in a while like anyone living in NYC). Go Yanks - Beat the Sawx!

Listen Up!

Since this weekend was pretty much a wash out, there was nothing much to do but stay in on Sunday and watch some television. Bridget and I flipped around the tube and found an old movie on Channel 55 starring Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase called "Seems Like Old Times". The movie was pretty funny actually (I had never seen it but Bridget had), typical Chevy Chase deadpan comedy routine if you're a fan of Chevy Chase. Anyway, on this "Channel 55" there were infomercials galore. Then again that shouldn't surprise me since Channel 55 might as well be broadcast from my apartment since it's that obscure. Actually I may be the only person who actually gets the channel. I'll look into that.

Anyway we saw this one infomercial for this product called Listen Up. It was your typical "Made for TV" commercial, made in the mold of the "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" classic infomercial from days yonder. The commercial features old people having problems hearing, people being annoyed by the loud sound of televisions blaring and other hearing impared situations. But the funny part of the commercial is at the :45 second mark. They show a guy who appears to be "not quite old enough to require heading assistance" at the gym. He has his Listen Up product on and can hear a conversation two females are having across the gym about him.



Bridget and I looked at each other in disbelief. Isn't this basically just a form of spying or eavesdropping? Aren't hearing aids supposed to benefit those who are hearing impared? When did they suddenly become eavesdropping devices? And if that's the practical use you were to get out of them, why would this company advertise that? You're basically saying "buy my product and you can hear what people are saying about you from across the room or across the street"?

If that isn't enough I went on the website and lo and behold here’s the following statement in bold:



Umm...excuse me? Isn't that sort of illegal? Or if it isn't, it's extremely unethical. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to hear what people say about me behind my back (and I'm sure most of you would as well. Honestly. Don't lie about that.) But still, there's something just creepy about it. Especially with the guy in the gym in the commercial...he has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face when he hears the women talking nicely about him. But what if that backfired? What if they said "eww...look at that loser over there, I bet his dick is about 2 inches small". Would he enjoy the benefits of his "Listen Up" then? Would he??? No, he'd be embarrassed as fuck.

So the bottom line is some things are better off left unsaid...or in this case unheard.

What a relief!

Whew! In case you haven’t heard, according to DNA testing Larry Birkhead was declared to be Dannielynn’s father (Anne Nicole Smith’s daughter)! Thank god that ordeal is over with, I was so sick and tired of being questioned about my relationship with Anna Nicole. I mean, so we shared one wild and drunken night downing a bottle of Hypnotiq and popping some Trim Spa. That was like 7 years ago! Get over it. It was impossible for me to be the father!! Fuckin idiots.


Anna after our night of partying several years ago. I told ya I wasn't the baby's daddy!

Anyway, I happened to catch the tail end of American Idol last night. I really haven’t watched the show in a few seasons (ever since I called the whole Taylor Hicks winning season in my very first blog). I caught Sanjaya’s song and the recap of the other contestants. Even though I know there’s the whole "keep Sanjaya on even though he sucks conspiracy", I gotta say he wasn’t that bad last night. The song suited him perfectly, even with that porn star moustache he was flaunting last night.


If Idol doesn’t work out, Sanjay can appeal in some sleazy Cuban mafia movies

In the recaps, I wasn’t really wowed with the other performers. Then again, J-Lo was their “teacher” this week, and we’ve seen the great decisions she’s made with her life recently! First there was Gigli and now she’s married to a rat.


I don’t think J-Lo is qualified to give advice given the decisions she’s made in life recently

I would say the last good thing J-Lo's done was star in the Wedding Planner. Although Matt McConaughy really stole that movie from her. And the only reason I’d say she was "good" in that movie was the one line she had about M&M’s: "I only eat the brown ones because they’re pure" (which is much funnier when I say it in my Rosie Perez accent from White Men Can't Jump).

Anyway, if I had to pick my American Idol favorite this season based on the auditions and the little that I’ve seen of the show, I’d go with the beat boxing Blake (who doesn’t love a beat-boxer!). Especially with the popularity of J.T. right now, Blake could be riding Justin's coat tails a bit. I know LaKiesha and Melinda are the two most talented singers, although can you see the American public voting in a “Doo-little” as their Idol? Dunno about that. Anyway, Sanjaya wasn’t half bad last night so I think that the conspiracy phenomenon definitely lives on this week. Especially after Simon gave him a disgruntled, half-hearted “that wasn’t so bad” feedback on his performance. I think either Richardson goes or the girl who was wearing close to nothing goes But then again I haven’t really followed the show this season so I don’t know who is getting the “popular” vote.

Snakes...in an office

So yesterday evening around 5pm, Bridget called me to tell me a funny story. One of her ex-coworkers now works for Google in New York and apparently one of the office employees' python was missing in action. Why someone brought a python into the office is beyond me, but nonetheless I guess they make quiet pets (the occassional hiss is much quieter than the occassional bark). But losing a 3 foot long snake is pretty hard to do, no? I mean its not something you can miss easily.

Anyway, given Google's penchant for playing April Fools Joke's apparently a lot of employees in the office thought it was a joke. But, nope, not so. Here are the internal emails that got circulated to the staff:

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Sent: Sunday, April 01, 2007 10:24 PM
Subject: [Everyone-ny] Pet Snake Missing in NYC office

Dear Googlers:

The timing of this email could not be more awkward. Over the weekend, a pet snake belonging to a Googler was released from its cage in a 4th floor cubicle near the Tech Stop. The snake is a 3-foot long, brown and grey ball python named Kaiser. Ball pythons are nonvenomous and are commonly kept as pets. Our exterminator, with Google's security team and the snake's owner are searching for it. Should you see the snake, please do not attempt to touch it or pick it up. Call security immediately.

Tempting as it might be, this is not an April Fool's joke! We are sending this message to alert you to the situation and to let you know what to do in the event you see the snake. We will send an update to all New York Googlers at 8 a.m. on Tuesday, April 2 and post signs at office entrances. Should you have any particular concerns, please contact your immediate supervisor.

As a reminder, the pets policy of Google New York allows only dogs to be brought into the office by Googlers. Permission must be obtained from management before any other type of animal can be brought onto the premises.

Sent: Monday, April 02, 2007 8:41 AM
Subject: [Everyone-ny] Pet Snake still Missing in NY office

Dear Googlers:

I want to let you all know that Kaiser, the 3-foot ball python, is still missing from its tank on the 4th floor next to the Tech Stop. This morning, we will be putting up signs in the microkitchens with a photograph of a ball python so that you know what Kaiser looks like. Ball pythons tend to be shy and to hide themselves in small, dark spaces, while curled into a ball (hence the name "ball" python). Again, should you spot Kaiser, please contact security immediately.

Thank you,

Here's the link to the article:
http://valleywag.com/tech/rumormonger/python-on-the-loose-at-google-248978.php

---
Ha...I love the fact that "the pets policy of Google New York allows only dogs to be brought into the office by Googlers". Clearly someone didn't listen. Although how long until the box office sequal to "Snakes on a Plane" comes out, this time in an office setting? I give the hollywood studios a year. But any office that allows dogs is cool in my books. I mean pythons are pretty cool as well. At least its a live animal unlike all of the "dead" ones we have in my office (Mounts of deer, antelope, bear, coyote, goat, etc). I think the most live animal we have is the stuffed pheasant I bought at Target on sunday in Brooklyn.


At least my pheasant helps me with my paperwork...more than that lazy, "shy" python probably does for Google's staff

My pheasant has a squeaker that makes a pheasant type sound. Why they were selling this in Brooklyn is beyond me. Downtown Brooklyn no less. At Target. They also had stuffed waterfowl, pheasant, squirrel, rabbit and prairie dog. I mean its not like you see those animals running around the city. Like someone is walking their varmin around on the street as a pet. When's the last time someone went into Petco looking for some Waterfowl?

"Welcome to Petco how can I help you today".

"I'm looking for a bird, preferably some type of upland bird that I can cultivate and fatten up for a few months before setting him free and shooting him down with my .20 gauge shotgun".

"Ahh yes, upstairs, aisle 5".

The funny part is some of the writers here play around with call boxes testing them out (for those hunting illiterate, call boxes imitate wild calls so you can lure an animal towards you). Anyway, they were playing around with a turkey call the other day so I answered with my pheasant squeaker. Pretty funny. I heard one of the guys ask "where did that come from?". I guess you have to be here to appreciate that.

I'm toying with the idea of removing the pheasants stuffing and replacing it with a motorized engine that will help it fly around the office. Now that would be hysterical. Except here, since someone will probably shoot it.