Thursday, August 31, 2006

Stick a Fork in Them

That's directly off
I can't take much creative liberty for that :)

It's a pretty funny site for those who haven't seen. Written by Red Sox fans about the Red Sox and their fans.

The latest thing is blaming their recent bad luck on a crow that apparently "ran" onto the field a few weeks ago. Apparently the crow was injured and sat on first base for a while and hobbled around the field.

The crow spurred quite a bit of humorous remarks from Red Sox fans:

'I don't remember seeing anything like that,' said Elliott Ginsburg, a 64-year-old Sox fan who's held season tickets since 1972. 'That thing ran from base to base pretty good. I think he was faster than [Doug] Mirabelli was getting to the plate last night.' "

'He can probably hit better than Mirabelli,' snapped Anthony Taurasi, 32. 'He's probably just as good [on the basepaths] as Manny Ramírez.' " -- 8.2.06, Boston Globe

"In Greek superstition crows are seen as a bad omen, often foretelling death."

Pretty funny stuff actually. It actually got some attention in the Boston Globe as well as on Seth Mnookin's blog (he wrote an apparently good book about the economics behind the Red Sox)

Anyway for those who don't follow baseball I can't help you much here, but for anyone immersed in the Yankees vs Redsox "rivalry" will get a kick out of this comment by one of the Red Sox players:

"Are you dealing with rational people? I don't know, they're Red Sox fans. If they want to boo, what are you going to do?" -- 08.30.06, Kevin Youkilis

I guess for this year we won't have to worry about the Sox in the playoffs...although I'm sure that will equal another first round loss to the Angels or White Sox.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Fast Food Nation - Literally

So just got this forwarded to me. It's a new "fast food" restaurant in the Village. Actually they have this concept at some rest stops, hot food in a vending machine. But actually displaying the food in the vending machines that you're about to purchase after a night of drunken debauchery is a novel concept. Here's an article about the new "restaurant" called Bamn!:

The Automat has returned.

Why it took fifteen years to bring back grilled cheese in a vending machine, we'll never know.

Today marks the red hot opening of Bamn!, the 24-hour St. Mark's crave shack that serves up wholesome, coin-accessible food all under three bucks. With a dozen mouth-watering options in full view behind clear plastic doors, you'll be overwhelmed by choice—spicy breaded wings or chicken nuggets? After a big night, this might be the most important question in the world.

Because we care deeply about how you spend your dollar, we took on the heavy task of tasting each and every item available at Bamn! and created three tasting menus, created from a complex matrix of taste, texture, and value—including the house "omakase":

THE $15 "CHEAP DATE" – 2 PB&J Krokets as a starter, 2 Terigrilled Chicken Burgers and French Fries (go big time and spring an extra 75 cents for truffle aioli dipping sauce), and finish off the romance with a Green Tea Soft Serve to share.

THE $10 "UD BEST OF BAMN!" – Our picks for the best dishes here: Musubi, a Hawaiian layering of rice, seaweed, and seared Spam (it doesn't get better than Spam from a vending machine), Teriburger, Roast Pork Buns, and the hands down Bamn! winner—the phenomenal Mac and Cheese Krokets, aka sticks of heaven.

THE $5 BAMN! CHEF'S "OMAKASE" – spicy breaded chicken Wings, Mozzarella Sticks, and a sticky glazed Japanese Donut ("This is a great sampler platter that should fill you up well," opines Consulting Chef Kevin Reilly on his selections.)

Please eat responsibly, and arm yourself with plenty of napkins—you won't find any utensils. Yes, cheap eating never looked better.


It looks pretty cool...although I'd still prefer if Roll N Roaster was still open, but I guess this will have to do for now!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Funny Clip from Borat

Below will play a funny clip from Borat. For those who don't know, Borat is Sacha Cohen's (aka Ali G) character on the Ali G show. There's also a Borat movie scheduled to come out soon.

For more information check out his myspace page:


Monday, August 28, 2006

Everything on a stick

So fresh off my trip to the home of Coach (the TV show, not the bag) and the visited by 1.6 million people Minnesota State Fair, I'm happy to report my arteries have finally unclogged themselves. You see the rule of any state fair, is all the food you eat has to be either fried or on a stick. So being one to show no concern for my well being consumption wise I went on to follow the rules and eat my way through the fair, one stand at a time.

I started with your traditional corn dog...on a stick of course. The staple of any fair. I then went on to a belgium waffle on a stick. Dipped in chocolate. Buried in whipped cream. One of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. No joke. Bonus points since it was on a stick of course. Then I devoured a fried smores in which chocolate melted all over my fingers. Then it was on to Alligator sausage on a stick. Which was surprisingly good. Then it was a sampling of Hush Puppies (fried), a bite of a fried Snickers bar on a stick and a chocolate Milk Shake. All this in a span of 45 minutes. Surprisingly I felt neither sick nor bloated and thought about all of the other things I need to try at the fair. Unfortunately I was only there a few hours and couldn't indulge in these treats...although I took pictures of some of my favorite food stands:

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ass Explosion

So as I sit here in the dark in my office (since I got in before electricity was discovered apparently) I'm sitting here laughing my ass off. Why? Well I just had another funny bathroom experience. Well funny or disgusting depending on who you ask. I think these things happen to me just so I have something funny to write about.

So again the story starts just as I walk in the bathroom. I hear a foot tapping on the ground and see the stall door closed. So I know that that's my warning someone is in there (see my blog posting in June about bathroom signal behavior). Anyway what I hear next is the sound of exploding ass. I know we've all been there before with diarrea and really bad episodes on the potty...but this was probably the LOUDEST ass explosion I have ever heard. I mean I'm sure the blast lifted him off the seat. I didn't hear anything else after that for at least 10 seconds so I thought either a) he died b) he was too embarrassed to make a sound. Meanwhile I hadn't even gotten to unzip my fly to take a piss. So I decided to take one for the team and leave him in piece with a quick flush, wash and go. I feel sorry for the poor bastard...actually I feel sorry for his ass. We've all been there buddy. We wish you well.

So onto another event that made me mad this morning (btw I really haven't had much to blog about the past couple of days hence the lack in posting...but today 2 events in one day! Jackpot!!) I was in Starbucks getting my morning blast of caffeine (Iced Skim Latte Mocha latta chino w/ triple shot of Turbo (btw I think the best merge of a franchise would be Starbucks and Jamba Juice. People would be flying off the walls!) Anyway, I get an iced latte and a apple fritter (sugar + apples + icey bun = goodness!!) and the total comes out to $5.01. I give the way too peppy this early in the am cashier a $20 and say sorry I don't have any change. Well he preceeds to start to give me my $14 in bills and starts to dig out the 99 cents in change.

I was like wait, are you kidding. He said you don't have anything, a nickel, dime? I thought to myself here's this company that makes millions in dollars each day and he's haggling me over a fucking penny?? Most delis run by foreigners that live and die by every penny would even just chalk up the loss. So I see the plastic cube they have at the register that had about 13 cents in there in pennies and nickels. So I used one of those. I don't care that it's their tip jar. If they are that stuck up for a fucking penny then they deserve to lose a penny tip. Ridiculous. I was on boycott of Starbucks for a long time and recently was sucked back in thanks to concoctions like the Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte and the Gingerbread Latte...but I may have to reconsider my boycott again. Plus all I really buy starbucks for is its supreme use as a Laxative. Although hopefully for my sake it doesn't give me the exploding ass like I heard in the stall this morning. I prefer to keep my colon inside of my body thank you.

Anyway I'm flying to St. Paul today to visit our traveling Road Tour at the Minnesota State Fair. I'm sure I'll have plenty of fun to share...including the latest in Mullet design.

Actually I think the Starbucks is starting to kick in already...forget Jamba Juice...they should merge with Metamusil or ExLax! Actually I wouldn't be surprised if the "Mocha" is really just ground up exlax. I'll have to investigate.

I'm off before I shart myself...

Friday, August 18, 2006

All along I thought it was "Some Puerto Rican Guy"

So with all this fury about John Mark Karr and if he did/didn't kill JonBenet Ramsey it made me think of the South Park episode where Butters' mother tries to kill Butters by driving the car with him in it into a lake and then tells the police "Some Puerto Rican Guy" killed his son after Butters disappears. This was followed by OJ Simpson, the Ramsey Parents and Gary Condit (Chandra Levy "killer") all coming out in the media to blame their accused deaths on "Some Puerto Rican Guy".

If you didn't see the episode it's probably in the top 10 South Park episodes of all time. You can read a great synpopsis of the episode here:'_Very_Own_Episode

Anyway, just taking a look at this guy's picture you can tell he's not guilty.
All his "mug shots" all over the papers had like the perfect lighting on his face. His poses were very contrived, almost like he was mugging for the camera (if you haven't seen, just pick up a paper...any paper in the last 2 days and take a look). If not here's one of the photos that ran in today's Post:

This guy seems like he's an out of work actor who's just itching to play the part of JonBenet's killer in the ABC afterschool miniseries about abduction. Plus we know the rule of any killer with three names is definitely innocent. Don't believe me? Well you shouldn't. Although John Wilkes Booth didn't really kill was another actor playing his part. And James Earl Ray didn't kill MLK (that one is more believable). And Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill JFK. The list goes on and on.

Anyway, this just smells like total B.S. Plus wouldn't this guy wait like 20, 30 years to confess, when he's too old to put in jail so they just put him on house arrest? Maybe that's just me. But I still am willing to bet that 3 years from now, he's starring in the made-for-TV movie of this case.

That's just my two cents. To leave you on a fun's a link to me knocking out Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's PunchOut. Enjoy your weekend!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Skydiving ragdoll

So in the spirit of YouTube and other websites that allow shameless video to be shared w/ the masses, I've decided to join in the fun.

Most of my friends have seen this video of me skydiving over 2 years ago. Especially John and Erica who joined me on that day.

Well in this infamous video, the video editor slowed down the footage just enough to make it look like I was a rag doll. If you have never been skydiving before, they tell you not to look down and to keep your head back as you leave the plane. Well being one not to follow directions I take a look down to see the view.

The rest is pure unintentional comedy as it literally looks like a) I'm gonna puke b) My head is going to snap off. c) I'm a flying stuffed sausage. d) I'm a flying blue condom e) All of the above

The only thing that happened was the puking part came 30 minutes later, but the video result is pretty humorous. I think the best part is my subtle look at the camera right before falling off the plane. I definitely wasn't scared, but it was more of a look like, holy shit, am I really jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet! Am I fuckin insane?

Anyway I guess you have to see the whole video to appreciate...but it's over 3 minutes long and too long to post. So if you haven't seen it, next time you're over just remind me to play it for you.

I hope to have other humorous home video for you soon. In the meantime, here's the skydiving video...enjoy!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Hysterical Newscasts just got this emailed forwarded to me from John. I've never seen these, perhaps some of you have. But absolutely hysterical. Well maybe not for the poor kid who was doing the newscast that day. But hey, I've done it. Maybe not live on network TV, but I've done a newscast at our top-notch TV station at Marist, and did sports without a telepromter. The result was bad, but I fought through it. And laughed. I have the video somewhere, I'll have to vidcap it and post it for a good laugh someday. So I can definitely empathize with what he was going through.

Here's the link to the first video

A few comments about the video:

I love the dead air. You could just hear the producer in the back either laughing his ass off or burying his head in the switcher. Either way the silence on the set speaks volumes about what was going on.

The kid mumbling to himself. He was absolutely panicked. But thinking that you know sports presumably enough to want to be a sportscaster you think you would make shit up. At least try. Anything is worse than dead air.

"And boom goes the dynamite". That apparently is his catch phrase. Love how he pulls it out of his ass desparately.

Here's the link to the second video

This poor guy tries to hang on despite the lack of video cooperating. Again good wholesome family comedy. Although he too stumbles throughout the newscast. But give Ball State University credit for having nice graphics on their set...although we had the same background and fake tree on the set at boo to Ball State there :)

More International than I.H.O.P

Firstly I would like to thank all those who have posted comments in the past few weeks. I didn't think too many people read this blog until I started getting comments from across the country and even from our friends across the pond! It's nice to see not all Americans are hated overseas! haha... But your feedback (both positive and negative!) is greatly appreciated. I'm just happy some people find this blog interesting enough to read, even if some of the topics are off-color and "disgusting". But hey, that's just who I am. (Btw, I knew our British friends would appreciate my humor since I was an avid watcher of Monty Python/Benny Hill in my childhood!)

Anyway, had wedding #2 of 6 of the summer this weekend and I'm happy to report that some of my "Ultimate Wedding Songs" made the playlist at the wedding. For those who hadn't seen that post you can view it here. The couple danced to "Amazing" by Lonestar which has fastly become one of the most played songs at any wedding. I jokingly remarked that do you think Lonestar minds that their song has become THE slow song of choice at weddings. I mean do you really think Lonestar can get a gig playing a legitimate rock show, like a Lollapallooza. I think they pretty much regulated themselves to weddings and the prom circuit. Five years from now they'll be booking High School proms and Senior Citizens centers. In fact do they even have another song? Someone will have to fill me in on that.

Also there's a few songs I forgot to mention on my wedding song playlist, like "Celebrate" by Kool & The Gang (although I still contend that "Get Down on It" should be played more). Although everyone knows Celebrate so it's a good song to get people on the floor too. Also Celebrate gets thrown into that 1960s-70s-80s block of "Twist" by Chubby Checkers, "Heart of Rockin Roll" by Huey Lewis & The News and a few other interchangable songs. This block is normally broken up by a slow song no one dances to followed by the DJ scrambling to play something upbeat again to get the floor pumping. Can you tell I've been to over 30 or so wedding so far? Nahh.

Anyway, my other funny observance of the week came in church. Yes church. Those who know me know I'm not the religious type, and being half Jewish/half Catholic I'm sort of the religious mutt anyway. But I went to Sunday mass w/ Bridget and her family in Connecticut. After realizing I knew every word to the "Our father, who art in heaven. Thy kingdome come. Thy will be done..." saying, I started thumbing through the song book. I couldn't believe how many songs were in this book. There was over 980 of them in one book alone!

It got me thinking since churches are also looking for money, they should charge $1 or $2 for someone to "download" their favorite songs to their ChurchPods. Just think if you got to church a little early, instead of forcing awkward conversation with your neighbors (who you don't like much anyway and just pretend to be nice to them at a house of worship), you could plug it into the pew in front of you and start jamming away to all your favorite church hits, like "Glory is Thy Name" and "We Shall Follow Thee". Actually maybe Lonestar can record some of these hits to add some songs to their catalog. (Lonestar-if you're reading, call Los Lonely Boys, they've seemed to have success with the whole Christian Crossover Rock thing - you know that "How Far Is Heaven" song. Which was actually pretty catchy in a 311 - Amber sort of way). I think it could be widly successful. Plus who wouldn't want to have a stirring rendition of Ave Maria on their ChurchPod? Especially for those days you just need a good cry. Just saying Ave Maria puts tears in my ears. No joke. I'd challenge anyone to find a more emotional song when sung correctly. It's almost up there with Whitney Houston's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner during the 1990 Super Bowl when our troops were overseas. Or Roman Tynan's rendition of God Bless America in Yankee Stadium during the World Series games in 2001. Maybe this is a blog topic for another day.

The same ChuchPod could also be transferred to Temple's of course. Number one download would obviously be Hava-Nagila. Followed by that Eloyheynu song where everyone awkwardly claps during the song out of tune. At least in the Reformed temples they do.

Anyway, even though I'm not a practicing Jew or Catholic I think maybe to get more young people into their temples/churches these Church/TemplePods would be a smash hit. I mean at this Church on Sunday there was a 13 year old boy jamming away on the organ. He was really good and looked like a young Buddy Holly. Although let's hope he doesn't turn into a young Liberace! da da dum....Hey yoh. (I hope I don't have to connect the dots for you on that one...but I know it's Monday so in case you didn't follow. Young Boy. In a Church. Playing the Organ. Liberace was gay and played the piano. Enter a priest into the room. You get the picture. If not maybe you should find another blog to read)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Heard in the bathroom today I'm taking a piss (whiz, wizzer, leak, etc if you prefer other terms) and there's a guy in the stall. I think he knows I was there. I hope he did. Anyway I hear some groaning. Which is normal I guess if you're trying to push one out. But then he starts talking to himself. "Ooh, come on...yeah, come on".

Now a) I'm dead serious. I wish I could make this shit up. b) I'm all for providing encouragement when needed, even to your bowels. But mumble to yourself. Don't announce it.

He kept going and talking, and I didn't know if he was rubbing one out or building a tower of lincoln logs at this point. I thought of Austin Powers with the whole who does #2 work for scene. Thankfully I had finished, washed my hands and left the room before I heard anything else.

You've heard me blog about bathroom behavior before, but this one was ridiculous. So next time you're giving yourself encouragement in the big house, make sure no one else could hear you. Thanks.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A man walks into a bar

Is normally the opening to most jokes. Or a variation being a priest, rabbi, etc walking into a bar. Well I'm here to tell you actually saw a man walk into a bar. Ok, it wasn't a bar, but more like a metal arm that closes in a garage entrance.

Bridget & I were walking on the UES on Sunday and I saw a guy walking up a garage ramp. I'm not sure why I kept watching but I'm happy I did. The guy was looking back into the garage as he made his way up the garage ramp to the street. He kept looking back and was getting closer to the arm that was closing before him. Suddenly he walked straight into the bar right as it fully closed and was stopped dead in his tracks. Bridget and I both saw him do this and he saw us see him do that. It was really funny. You just had to be there. He gave a smile and ducked under the arm. We tried not to laugh and were able to hold out for a block or two and just lost it. It's one of those moments I wish I had a camera running.

Anyway, could there be anyway less clutch than Jorge Posada. I'm mean really. He just grounded into a 4-6-3 DP with the bases loaded in the top of the 8th after the Yanks just took a 5-4 lead. After he swung at a shitty pitch and took two wild pitches and then swung at crap. I mean you're talking about a guy that has not one clutch hit to his name in a playoff or any postseason game. Completely overrated. I would trade him for a pound of Goya Rice and Beans. And that would be a steal for me.

Those who know me know my feelings about Posada. If the Yanks end up losing this game I'm sure Posada won't get blamed at all. Because he's the "golden child" and can do no wrong. Same went for Tino "Tina" Martinez. Yanks up 10-0 in the 5th, Tino/Posada hit a grand slam. Yanks down 5-4 in the 7th, they hit into a triple play. And when I go and boo them at the stadium I get daggers shot at me. Well screw you bandwagon whore with the Posada jersey. He sucks.

Post blog addendum
So I told you...Posada hits into that double play. Then Rivera gives up the HR to Konerko to tie the game in the bottom of the 9th. Then of course Jenks comes in and shuts the door because he's unhittable. And in the 11th A-rod can't field a foul ball that was sorta playable - had he looked up instead of running with his back to the ball the whole time. And then of course next pitch is laced into CF by Dye for the game winning hit. Typical Yanks's been that way since 2001. At least I'm happy Bridget and I have $5 tickets for the rest of the games we're going to...I wouldn't want to pay $50 to see the same shit over and over again. I wish they sucked again so you could go to the game for $10 and not have anyone sit within 30 seats of you. And you could cheer on an aging star like Mattingly while they're getting spanked by the Indians 15-1 in the 3rd inning. Oh well...maybe someday.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Edible animals

So the trip to our annual sales meeting has come and gone. We stayed at the lovely Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz, NY. The hotel is a historic landmark, built back in the 1800's. For those who like Stephen King, the hotel was the basis of his novel "The Shining" (apparently he gained inspiration from staying there). Anyway it had a very surreal feel to it, with the creaky hallways and old rocking chairs that were placed on balconies throughout the hotel and random doors that led to nothing in particular. So needless to say there were plenty of people that had the heebiejeebies in the hotel, especially when the power went out. That would've been the perfect time to play some pranks on the guests. Instead, our room party was interrupted by security because we were being "too loud". Oh well.

Anyway, did some fishing and caught nothing. Well maybe a piece of floating seaweed on a stick. I had a sunfish follow my bait for a bit but he was too small too catch anyway so I let him eat the bait and swim on his merry way. After an hour on the lake fishing in the 100 degree heat I had enough and went golfing instead. Apparently we missed the fishing fun as one of the girls caught three 18" trout minutes later that was nicely fileted and fired up on the grill for dinner.

I unfortunately didn't get to go shooting at the range. The VP of Time4Digital accidently switched laptops with me so after he was already half way home I realized this and he had to come back to switch with me. So unfortunately I missed the shooting festivities. The shooting was at a range in Poughkeepsie, right off the Mid Hudson right down the road from good ole Marist. No wonder why on a quiet day you could hear something like gunshots. All this time I thought that was coming from the ghetto. Who knew.

Anyway, the highlight of the sales meeting was the Wild Game Hors D'oeurves dinner we had cooked for us on Wed night by a James Beard award winning chef. It's hard to explain through type but let me just tell you it was fuckin fantastic. Could barely taste any of the "gameyness" or toughness you get with eating game. All the flavors were blended fantastically. The menu included:

Butternut Squash Ravolis, served over a bed of greenes and heirloom tomatoes

Venison Burgers (mini sliders) served in a mini wicker basket over a bed of Pommes Frites. Awesome. I had 4 of them.

Braised Pheasant served in a sushi-roll type wrap, with wild greens and shaved carrot. Almost tasted like a vegetable dumpling. Pretty good, although too much greens for me.

Smoked Trout served in a martini type glass with arugula leaves and capers. The trout was great, tasted like smoked salmon.

Wild Turkey (not the drink) Pot Pie. Pretty good, especially the cheese crust that was baked on top like you would get with french onion soup.

Bear Empenadas. Yep. Black Bear. In an empanda. Served with a spicy mustard sauce. Pretty good. A little dry, but I guess that's bear.

The best part was our publisher had all of the meat in his freezer from kills that he did. Everything was killed by him but the trout. Pretty crazy what an award winning chef was able to do with it. Felt like I was on the Food Network.

There were some fantastic desserts as well that topped the meal off. I guess you had to be there to appreciate it. Or just take my word for it. It was really, really good. For all I know we could've been eating rat. But man, it's amazing what a really good chef can do.

Nothing else really fun happened. The grounds are very nice and there's no tv in any rooms so it's a place of seclusion. But definitely worth a stay (albeit a pricey one) if you needed a weekend retreat without any of the distractions of the modern world.