Lost Stand-Up Comedy Bits

About 6-7 years ago after watching my friend do standup comedy in the city, and long before there was even a thing called blogs, I had roughly sketched out a routine that I would do if I ever took the stage to do standup one day.

Well in cleaning out my drawers from work, I found scribbled on a few pieces of paper my "stand-up" routine. It's funny to look back and see what the hell was going through my head when I wrote this years ago.

There's a warning, some of this material (like some of my blog posts) are vulgar. So be forewarned. Think Eddie Murphy RAW. Enough said. Btw just try to imagine these being delivered in stand-up comedy style, it'll be funnier that way. Also keep in mind this was written a while back, only a year or two removed from college.

Chris' Stand-Up bits:

Bit 1: "Girls Suck"

I love women. But sometimes they do the stupidiest things. There's only 3 things I ask from a girl:

1) Don't be a bitch to my friends
2) Don't stalk me or not trust me
3) Don't let me finger you when you have a tampon inside of you

I mean really, number three should be fuckin obvious? No? This is a true story. One day back in college I was fooling around with the girl and started to run my fingers down you know where. After getting lost in the bushes (really though - ladies, we only have one favor to ask. Please trim your bushes if they grow to over 3 feet. Please. Doesn't have to be fully shaved. Just navigational for us to know our way around. Pretend men are blind and that is like braille to them. I felt like I needed a map to navigate down there, like I was a Goonie looking for treasure. It's that feeling you have when you're 10 years old and you lose your whiffleball in a thorn bush. You reach in hoping for the best and your hand comes out all scratched and bloodied. And you don't even get the ball or come close to touching it.)

Anyway, I finally found an clearing in the forest and started to explore. Suddenly I hit land. Land? Being that I had only fingered one or two girls before I thought maybe there was something I missed those first few times. So I probe again. She's moaning like I'm hitting her g-spot, meanwhile I feel lost and bewilded. Then I find a string. A string? Am I supposed to pull this for service? Does the mysteries of the vagina open up with one tug? Did I miss something in Anatomy class? Meanwhile she continues to moan - obviously faking it. So I ask her politely is that a tampon I'm feeling? Embarrasingly she says oh yeah, I forgot to take it out. Forgot? I mean how erotic can getting a tampon pushed further into your vagina be? Can't imagine that'd feel very good - ladies correct me if I'm wrong.

Bit #2: Performance Anxiety

The worst thing in the world for a guy - besides fingering a girl with a tampon in her vagina - is performance anxiety. God was cruel with this one.

You finally get invited to the big show. You're over your girl's room for the first time. You're laying in bed, and you begin to fool around, and within seconds you're pitching a tent. Moments later she's flogging the dolphin and you're seconds away from erupting. When suddenly it hits you. You don't know the house rules. Your mind starts to race. Does she want me to cum all over her sheets? Will she cover me up with her hand? Are there paper towels near by? You panic and start to lose control. Captain Happy starts his retreat. She thinks she's doing something wrong so she switches hands and tempo. Meanwhile all you can think about is wishing you had a sock or an old pair of boxers to explode into. You start getting softer and softer -you've lost the battleground. Captain Happy finds his shell. Your girl looks at you in disgust and starts rattling off excuses. "There's another girl, isn't there?". "I'm not attractive enough for you". You're defensiveless to respond. How do you tell her you didn't know if she would rather have a map of hawaii on her ceiling or on her sheets? She walks out of the room and slams the door. Like Seinfeld you blurt out "I didn't know the rules!!!".

So those are two bits I had sketched out. I think they may have gone over well given the right audience and delivery. Any feedback??

This is why I love him

No, this is not about what you think it's about (Not that there's anything wrong with it). And maybe "Love" is the wrong word to use. Maybe admire, enjoy, like, etc would be more appropriate. Anyway, some of you have probably heard me tell you to read some of Bill Simmons' stuff on ESPN.com. He's a great writer and grew up in the 70s/80s with many of the sames likes (sports obviously, wrestling and general tv nonsense) as I did. Anyway, not that I'm here to gloat about him, but every once in a while he writes an article I can't resist but sharing with everyone. This one relates to pop culture so those non-sports enthusiasts have plenty to relate to. But these sports references are also classic. Basically he talks about his favorite YouTube clips of all time and how much of a historical record of pop culture events it helps us keep. Here's a quick snippet of his article:

"YouTube brings past memories to life and gives you new ones. I never thought I would see Michael Jackson's initial moonwalk during "Motown 25" again (hard to believe it was such a huge deal at the time); the watershed Stan Jonathan-Pierre Bouchard fight; the ridiculous Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley kiss; a Boston fan being brave enough to walk through the Yankee Stadium bleachers dressed in Sox gear (too many obscenities involved for me to provide the link); an ancient and somewhat deranged Iron Sheik threatening to sodomize various wrestlers (can't link to that either); Fonzie jumping the shark (literally); or even David Letterman's heartfelt monologue right after the 9/11 attacks. But I watched all of those clips in the span of two hours last week."

Anyway, so now that you've undoubtely want to read more, click here to view the full article. I promise you'll find some of it funny, or be able to take a quick trip down memory lane. He also provides links to all of the clips he references which is definitely worth watching if nothing else, including:

Watching Jean Claude Van Damme dance.
Bruce Springsteen singing terribly.
Mike Tyson's interview where he threatens to eat Lenox Lewis' kids
Vanilla Ice trashing an MTV set
Some ridiculous clip on Journey's "Separate Ways" video
And lots lots more...

Definitely worth the look when you have a moment.

Now THAT'S Luxury

So as some of you know I went down to Miami this weekend to visit my friend Scott who I know back from my production days at Maury. Scott lived in New York for the past 23 years but moved to Miami last year to expand his architecture business (and also pursue some movie work on the side). Anyway I stayed at Scott's new Miami Condo and let me tell you the definition of luxury is MUCH different in Miami then it is in New York. I mean they classify my building as luxury, with it's "concereige service" and "granite black countertops" (side note: wouldn't it be great if some developer opened a shithole type place and advertised it as the next big thing in unluxurious living: Now available! Unluxury at its finest! Linoleum floors in the kitchen. Shag carpeting wall to wall! Carpeting on the walls! 5' round rubberized wading pool that doubles as a birdbath! And every apartment comes with their own washboard for laundry! Call now!) but I know that my building is not the definition of luxury and that there are plenty of luxurious buildings in NYC that have all the bells and whistles needed to attract the uppidy upper class. But good luck trying to find that for under $1 million.

Well to put this all in perspective, Scott's place is basically a 2 bedroom/2 bath apt with dining area, separate kitchen and plenty of closet space. And a balcony that overlooks Miami Beach. Here are some of the views from the balcony (it's on the 20th floor of the building - click for bigger views).

Facing North (towards N. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale)

Facing West (towards South Beach/Atlantic Ocean)

Facing South (towards Key Biscayne)


The pictures don't really do it justice, but trust me it was a pretty view. And if you think that's impressive, try adding on the rooftop deck on the 25th floor that has 360 degree panaromic views of the entire Miami area, two solariums, a pool and sun bathing area that has unobstructed views of downtown, a few card and billiards rooms, two gyms, a restaurant, free parking garage, laundry rooms on each floor and a partridge in a pear tree. Ok, so maybe no partridge, but all those add-ons would easily cost about $1-$2 million for a similiar place in New York. And not all of Miami real estate is cheap, some of the places on South Beach range in the millions. But this place was just as comparible (minus the direct ocean view) and only cost............ $400k!! Unreal. My mouth nearly hit the floor when he told me. Granted it's Miami and business is not booming there unless you're in construction, real estate, modeling or drug smuggling, but still pretty damn impressive.

So needless to say I was a little jealous. But at least it's a free place for me to visit once in a while!!

So there's definitely a difference in luxury in NYC vs. Miami.

Anyway besides the fact it poured most of the weekend Miami was fun. But the real treat was flying Delta Song down there. Having a TV at your seat is awesome! Oh and the funniest moment of the weekend came when I was coming home last night. I basically was sitting in the last rows of the plane so I boarded first. Well I get to my seat and no one is around except for me and the stewardess. Well no sooner do I sit down does she say, "I think we're out of coffee". Now only those who've seen Airplane/Airplane II would find that funny as you'll remember the scene where Julie Hays announces to the plane that they are out of coffee and a full scale riot erupts. Anyway, the flight attendent gets on the phone to the cabin and says again "I think we're out of coffee". I only wish I had someone there to laugh with because I was about two seconds from losing it on a plane.

One more funny story, although either you have to be there or listen to me imitate the voices for you, but trust me it's funny. On the way down Sat at 8am I had the pleasure of listening to this couple in their mid 20s fight. She called him by his name, Jonathan, at least 50 times during the fight. No exaggeration on that one. Every sentence began with Jonathan. "Jonathan that is so not fair". "Jonathan you know that's not the truth." I swear to god if I was him I'd smack her upside the head and say from now on call me John bitch. It reminded me of being called Christopher when I was in trouble, or by my 8th grade english teacher who called me Christoepha in her thick long island jewish accent even though I told her just call me Chris about 100 times. It was the annoyance of the voice, like a parrot was repeating it non-stop that brought back bad memories. The girl threatened to walk away during the fight and let Jonathan take the plane ride by himself. He actually said go ahead. She took 3 steps, turned around and said "Jonathan...". I was the only schmuck who sat there and listened to them. Everyone else changed seats because she was that annoying. I found it irratating but oddly amusing, half hoping he would give her a choke slam through the ticket counter. Unfortunately they didn't sit near me so I couldn't hear if they were fighting the whole way down.

Who does this sort of stuff???

Ok, I know I said I'd never use this as a form to bash any of my friends...but in this case I'm using it to bash a former friend. It's a long story, but for those who know it you'll know who I'm talking about. For those who don't know, here's the quick synopsis.

One of my best friends growing up got married a few years back to this witch of a girl. And I mean witch in both attitude and looks wise. Now you know I'm not one to bash people, but trust me on this one. She's not a pretty site. Anyway I basically saved their wedding, literally, since the whole wedding party was ready to walk out by how much of a bitch she was the days leading up to their wedding. And there was plenty of other things that went terribly wrong that weekend, but anyway I haven't spoken to him much in the past 5 years, mainly because I hate her and everytime I called down there, she would interrupt him on the phone. Basically he lost all of his friends and his whole life is her. And none of her friends even like her so basically she has this little world with herself, her husband and their 2 year old son.

Further evidence that she's a complete psycho bitch, she just sent out a mass email this morning with the subject line: "June 2006 Newsletter". I mean really, who the fuck emails their "friends" with an email subject that says June 2006 Newsletter??? I expect that from work or from my gamers anonymous club but really, come on. So now you know the kind of person she is and why I hate her.

Anyway, so without further adieu, take a look at the typical "I have my family completely whipped around me and there's nothing anyone can do about it" letter I just received this morning:

>>>Sorry for the mass emailing, but I figured with the little amount of time I had to write an email this would be the best way to share with everyone what is happening here.

First I must share, SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!! Before Harrison and the needs of the House, this meant lying by the pool, teaching the morning summer school, reading book after book after book, as well as figuring out ways to annoy my husband during the day while he still had to work :). Now, of course, it is just as busy as going to work. There is just so much to do in this house. For those of you who don't know yet, we are finally finishing the room above the garage (to be used a playroom but if we ever decide to move it can be a fourth bedroom which is a big sell factor in VA.) While we have taken out a loan, we decided to have the general contractor do some other things around the house as well, such as put in new carpeting (since it is the org. carpet from 13 years ago) as well as put laminate hardwood floor in the dining room and kitchen, and tile in the bathrooms (instead of that god awful linoleum). Since all the flooring in the house is being replaced, it has lead us to painting rooms (FINALLY). We have been living in the same house for four years now and the only room that had ever been painted was Harrison's room before he was born. So we have been surrounded by white and it is time to change that. In fact, Rob is downstairs right now cleaning out the "mudroom" so I can wash the walls and tape it up tomorrow during Harrison's nap in order to paint it tomorrow night and Saturday night. It will be buttercup yellow, which is also in the kitchen thanks to painting last Saturday. For that job my sister came down to watch Harrison so we could do it in a day, spending the nights before prepping for the job. It would have been much easier to do this pre-Harrison days, but then I guess we didn't really know what we wanted back then, plus it is much easier to do knowing the floor is being replaced.

So with construction and painting going on, the rest of my free time is spent entertaining Harrison as well as keeping him out of the contractor's way. (Fortunately he thinks Harrison is just the cutest and takes the time to say hello to him everytime he has to come through the living room.) I was hoping to update his scrapbook/baby book, but I guess that will have to wait until the house is back in order again (which would also translate to the start of the school year) :(

We are rushing to get the mudroom painted this weekend for two reasons, we are using the same paint as the kitchen so we don't want the paint to just sit around and I leave town on Sunday night which would mean waiting another week to paint which didn't seem like a good idea. I am going to James Madison University to partake in a free class on teaching problem solving (free to me because the state gave me a scholarship to go) Luckily three people from my school are going as well so we should be able to have some fun as well. :) I will miss being with Harrison and Rob though. It is the first time I will be leaving them for more than a weekend.

Rob is doing well. Summer months keep him busy at work. He does love the fact that during the summer I get to pretend to be a housewife and he rarely has to worry about getting dinner on the table when he gets home. Between my graduate school classes and work, we usually took turns getting dinner ready. Sadly, that's the only exciting thing going in his life. :( He gets very excited by the progress happening in the unfinished room. It is amazing what two men can accomplish in one day (though I do feel sorry for them doing in it 97 degree weather.)

Harrison is doing great. We are working hard on potty training, being that he is almost two and 1/2. On Friday he actually went in the potty, but he usually just sits on it. The trick lately is getting him to sit on it since there is so much other stuff going on around him. My goal every day is to wear him out, making bed time a lot easier. Today is definitely worked. I invited the two kids next door that are close to his age over to play in his wading pool and with his sand/water table. My back porch is completely covered in sand (which Harrison later said "sorry mommy" for) but it was completely worth it. He actually asked to go to bed tonight. Tomorrow we have a play date with a friend from daycare, so hopefully it will be successful for nap time as well (considering I really need the time to prep the mudroom for tomorrow night). Harrison is also talking up a storm, a mixture of his words and our words. It was amazing how shy the three kids got today even though they know each other. No one was really talking (except the adults) but they all played so diligently together. I wonder if kids can communicate through ESP?

Harrison has gotten so big. Attached is his school picture from May. Hope you like it.

Talk to you all soon.>>>

Are you kidding me??? Why don't you just tell me how many times this past month you took a shit too? Really. And you can tell that she has her husband's balls completely removed from his body, right? Is that blatently obvious to anyone else but me??? I love the line "Sadly, that's the only exciting thing going in his life." Maybe if you weren't such a fuckin control freak and had to control his entire life he'd have a little more excitement in it. And who refers to a color as Buttercup Yellow??? WTF?? Gosh...you're such an idiot.

Anyway that ends my rant for this morning. It's gonna be a stormy Friday so I figured I'd just contribute my volatility to the air. :)

Nice explanation

So in reading this interesting article about global warming I came across the following paragraph:

"Climate scientists Michael Mann, Raymond Bradley and Malcolm Hughes had concluded the Northern Hemisphere was the warmest it has been in 2,000 years. Their research was known as the "hockey-stick" graphic because it compared the sharp curve of the hockey blade to the recent uptick in temperatures and the stick's long shaft to centuries of previous climate stability."

Sorry but anytime you use "long shaft" to describe anything but you know what, it's instantly funny. Like a golf announcer saying: "Just look at Tiger handle that long steel shaft. He just whipped that thing around and smacked the bejesus out of the ball".

Maybe I'm the only one who finds humor in stuff like that. Although some of you reading will probably get a chuckle out of it. Anyway the actual title of the article is pretty funny too: Earth's Temperature Is Hottest in Centuries
Scientists Blame 'Human Activities' for Warming Trend

"Human Activities"? What the hell does that mean? We shouldn't pass gas outside? Having sexual "intercourse" outside will cause the ozone layer to vanish? I mean can you get a little more vague in the byline there? Jeez. That's like saying: "Man eats fruit, woman gives rib, story at 11". Come on. Use grownup words. Maybe something like: "people have fucked up the planet with their automobiles and industrial waste. We're all gonna die. Story at 11."

Anyway, here's the link to the full article if you want to see what I'm talking about: http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060622031609990007&ncid=NWS00010000000001

Maybe that's just all the dead animals in the office talking to me...not sure. But in either case I just felt like a needed to vent about that for a second.

Now I'm gonna go home and play some Bases Loaded or Tecmo Bowl while sitting my lazy ass on the couch. And be a productive, "non ozone layer depleting" member of society.

Equation of happiness

Bridget and I were talking about a gift that her friend Kristen is giving to her fiancee. The gift is a nice Kenmore BBQ, with enough BTU's and plenty of grill space to make any man happy. In taking about how great giving a man a grill as a gift is we came up with the equation: man + grill = happy.

I know personally that couldn't be more true. I'm happiest when i'm working the grill. Whether it be feeding myself or feeding 3,000 like that Student Booster club BBQ we did at Marist, give me an open flame and some meat products to flame broil and I'm a happy camper. I think the same would be true for any guy...except for those who've had their balls removed.

Anyway, wanted to share another picture of some of the wall adornments in my office. This pic was taken standing up in my cube.



Also thanks to visiting Rob and Christine this past weekend I have downloaded a Nintendo emulator. I mean it's not completely the same without the square controller in your hand, but you don't have to blow into the machine every two seconds to clean out the dust. And all the favorite games were available to download as ROMS: Super Mario Bros., Ice Hockey, Bases Loaded, Rygar, Contra, Baseball Stars, Tecmo Bowl, etc etc. You can check out RomNation.net for all of the games available. Although now most of my nights will probably be dedicated to playing the old school games on my new school controller. Hopefully I can get through a season of Baseball Stars without having the game reset on me.

Perhaps this leads to another equation: man + gaming = happy. Although that will inevitably lead to another equation: man + gaming + live-in girlfriend = unhappy girlfriend. But luckily for me I have the best girlfriend in the whole wide world who won't mind if I play Nintendo on the computer for hours on end every night. Right Bridget? :) Haha...well maybe not every night. But there's nothing really on TV during the summer that's worth watching except for Last Comic Standing and reruns of Everyone Loves Raymond.

Now if we men can only figure out the equation for female happiness all would be right with the world!

Starting Anew

So i'm officially settled in on Day 1 at Field & Stream / Outdoor Life. I gotta tell you, it feels weird to be at a new desk. There's something about getting taken out of your comfort zone that makes you feel like a freshman on the first day of college. Like you're trying to feel your way out and fit in with the "IT crowd" even if you have no idea who the IT crowd is yet. Even at 29 years old, and having had 7-8 jobs already, there's no amount of experience that can prepare you for starting over. Just a weird feeling.

Anyway things are well on day 1...although my mouse is on the fritz already. But I have this nice mounted deer looking over me on the wall. Just like the Robert Goulet skit in SNL where he has a stare off with the antelope. "You win, you always do". Anyway, the deer is literally looking right at me. Don't believe me? See for yourself:


Well that's to be expected here I guess. Fits in nicely with the bear skin rugs and other trophy mounts hanging on the walls every 20 or so feet. Also gotta love the gun racks sitting randomly throughout the office. So in case another civil war breaks out, I'll have my handy emergency musket and bayonnet handy to defend our freedom.

That's all the fun for now...I have to bury myself in readying for this year's "Deer of the Year" awards. Yep, gonna have me a good ole time with this one. Start getting the "might be a redneck" jokes ready. Hopefully I can also push them to do "mullet of the year". That would be killer.

Taking off

As my last day at Crain's comes to a close, I'd thought I'd leave you with some parting pics. I'll have new stories to tell come Monday. Enjoy your weekend!

Stuffing myself in


The Flying Elvis


The Stuffed Sausage


The Flying Condom

Indicators

So most people can tell the kind of day they're gonna have by a few indicators. Did they wake up late and now their day is all out of whack and disoriented. Did they get up early and have plenty of time to get organized and have a relaxing day. Was it a good/bad hair day? These are all worthwhile indicators. However the most overlooked indicator? How good was your morning shit.

Yep...you know it's true. If you've been out drinking the night before and your stomach is still unsettled and that first morning shit didn't really cut it...well you know you're in for a rough day (along with plenty of Tums and Immodium). Feel like you cleaned your system out after that morning cup o' Joe? You're in for a good day. Like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Some people don't take the morning shit, some are mid day or night shitters. But in either case, next time you're having a bad day at work, maybe the answer to cheering you up lies in your ass.

Staying on topic...I noticed that people have different indicators to let you know a stall in the bathroom is being occupied. You know, when your sitting there and you hear the footsteps of someone coming closer. You know the door is locked but you still want to warn them to keep their distance. Some people cough, others tap their foot. Some rustle the toilet paper roll. I'm a light cougher myself. And why don't people obey the "every other rule" with stalls like they do with urinals. You know, always keep a urinal distance between you and the next person unless there's no other choice. If there are empty stalls that behavior should apply as well. Unfortunately some people screw it up by not picking the right stall in the first place but still there's nothing worse then someone taking a shit next to you, even with the partition there. It's like you're being violated or something. I think there was an email forward about this. I'll have to see if I can get my hands on it. Actually, Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Anyway, if you haven't seen this yet, you should. Cause it's hysterical. It involves sound, but it's definitely worth it. If you have seen it already, watch it again. And laugh.
http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/video/crispy.wmv

Laws of Physics

Sorry for the delay in posting here. If anyone is even still coming here to read this blog :)

Anyway it's been busy for me the last week or so. As some of you know I have taken a new job over at Time Inc at Field & Stream and Outdoor Life. Yep, going to do some huntin and fishin with good ole' middle america. I start on Monday, so I'm sure to have some great material in the future about 10 point bucks, large mouth bass and lots of Jack Daniel drinkin, straw chewin lil hoedowns. So y'all come back now, y' hear!

Anyway, laws of physics. Now granted I only got a 75 on my New York State regents in Physics, but I know a little bit about the forces of nature. So let's say when you have a 5'2" 110 lb person walking towards you with their head down playing with their crackberry and myself who's about 6' 220+ lbs walking down the street with a duffel bag that weighs 20 or so lbs, one would figure that the lesser weight person, had she been paying attention, would have nimbly moved out of my way. But being that she was on her crackberry (and she obviously didn't read my rant about how I would throw a body check on the next person that wasn't paying attention while playing with their little mind control toy) she plowed right into me, well into the barrel of the baseball bats I had protruding out of the duffel bag I was carrying. Please note I tried to pull my bag out of the way, but she pretty much walked into me. And she had the nerve to look at me like I did something wrong. Lady, I got news for you, you're lucky I didn't pull an Abner Louima on your ass and all you got was a bump with the barrel of the bat. Next time I'm ripping the blackberry out of your hands and smashing it to smitherines on the ground.

Anyway they're giving away free ice cream as part of tenant appreciation day in our building. Can't pass that up. Hope they also appreciate the mice that run around at night too, wouldn't want Squeaky to be left out of the celebration.

Until next time...which will hopefully be sooner than last time...

Some people...

Just don't know how to multitask. This woman at the post office last night at the self service computers was on her cell phone and trying to weigh some packages at the same time. Her conversation was basically: "Uh, uh huh...hmm, huh, uh huh..." meanwhile she pushed a button every minute. The guy in back of her was fuming. Meanwhile the other line had 20 people and had whittled to three by the time she even pushed a button. You know what...just admit you can't multitask and take yourself out back to kill yourself. Even the damn post office "officer" came over to check to make sure she was ok. Like basically move along lady before someone goes "postal". It's like as soon as you walk through those post office doors you instantly become agitated. Can't explain it. But it's people like that lady that makes everyone else so agitated. Btw could there be a worse job than post office officer? I mean you know that any day some ex employee is gonna come in and shoot the place up. You're basically a dead man walking.

Anyway on this "day of reckoning" I'm happy to announce to all that know her that Jennifer Karyotakis had a healthy baby boy this am.

Stephen Aristides Karyotakis
7 lbs 2 ounces
19 3/4 inches
6:34 AM EDT

I guess he's gonna be a "devil" of a child. Ha, sorry Jen, I couldn't resist! Anyway, congrats on the new addition to your family!

So far no reports of doom from Hell, Michigan or Hells Kitchen or any other hell for that matter. So looks like all those "doomsday prophets" can go crawl back into their holes.

Enough is enough already...

Ok, I've officially had enough of the gentrification of New York. First they close the White Castle on 5th and 33rd to pave way for yet another "luxury development". Ok, fine. But now...now you've really pissed me off.

Very few of you have probably been to Roll N Roaster, but some of you have heard me rant and rave about it. It's a Brooklyn institution. Located in Sheepshead Bay, it's the ultimate in "fast food" and is a late night staple of anyone out late drinking. Known for it's motto, "Cheeze on anything you pleeze" it's specialities are Roast Beef on a roll, mozzarella sticks and waffle fries (with lots of CHEEZE of course). Anyway, last year they opened a Manhattan location on 3rd and 11th. I was obviously delighted about it. Critics mocked it as "kvitchy and trying to be cute". TRYING??? Obviously if you haven't been to the original you wouldn't realize it was nearly an exact replica. Ok, so maybe the workers in the Manhattan location were "poor" NYU student workers instead of the "been around the block a few times" Brooklyn girlz that work in the Sheepshead Bay location, but that's part of the charm. Others called it "dirty". I mean so it wasn't a fuckin martini bar but it wasn't filthy like the various Papaya King places. And you mean to tell me Ray's Pizza on a late Friday night is clean? Assholes.

So I happen to be in that area on Saturday night and I thought, while I'm down here I should stop in to get a snack. Well imagine my surprise when I walk past and it's closed. FUCKIN CLOSED. Probably to pave way for some trendy bullshit place that these little non New York raised NYU shitheads can lounge out in and pay $100 for a Grey Goose Tonic. I honestly knew the place was doomed and even mockingly said on Saturday night to Deb, Dan and Erika before I went there that "I was going there if it was still open". I should've known. I guess poor job by Roll N Roaster by going the way of Junior's and Lundy's and Totonno's trying to duplicate their successes in Brooklyn into Manhattan. But really, it was the perfect choice for that neighborhood since people are out all hours of the night. So I don't blame them there. I blame these little snobby assholes that now infest the area. At first I didn't sympathize with the East Village and Alphabet City residents who complained that their neighborhoods were being gentrified. But now I understand. And can sympathize. Cause now I too have been stung by this "luxury movement" in NYC. And it's happening in East Harlem too. There's 5 trendy martini bars on 1st Avenue between 106 and 118. Of course a Mama's Fried Chicken had to take the fall for a place called "Orbit" that serves $12 mojitos to the "rich" people of East Harlem. What's next, White Castle on 103rd becomes a Cosi? Kennedy Fried Chicken becomes a Chipolte? Unreal.

Anyway, onto funnier news...apparently tomorrow is 666, therefore the end of the world as we know it. Actually Betus.com has the odds of the world ending tomorrow at 100,000 to 1. I'm not kidding. Here's the article

Also there's a party in Hell, Michigan. I didn't even know there was a Hell in Michigan. But here's the link to that story: Party Planned in Hell

I would put a few bucks down on the world ending, although I would have to hope that not only I would survive but also whatever island is home to Betus.com. But thoeretically I could become the richest man on the planet. Take that Bill Gates.

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Some of my favorites

As I clean out my email inbox from three years worth of work I figured I'd share some of my favorite emails with y'all. Some you may have seen, some you may not have...but enjoy:

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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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HER DIARY VS HIS DIARY

HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
I'm disappointed the Jets lost today, but at least I got laid.

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lbs can of coffee, and a 1 lbs package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check-out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer as to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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Those are just some for now...more to follow :)

What not to say in bed

So walking to walk this am at like 7:30am to the 6 train on 103rd your typical riffraff was on the street. There was this one woman, clearly a ho on the pipe, who was either yelling at her pimp or a bad lay...but in either case she called him some things in spanish (with my limited spanish I could make out something like small dick or no balls...something like that). Anyway that gave me a good laugh and got me thinking: what are some of the worst things you can say in bed to someone?

If you're a female, here are some things you probably shouldn't say to a guy during sex (note I may/may not have been told things before...but that's besides the point).

1)Are you in yet? Nothing like making a guy feel more inadequate. Either that or the girl is wider than the Holland Tunnel.

2)Are you done yet? Meaning she has a soap opera she wants to watch, a mani/pedi appt she needs to make, hair she needs to watch...you get the point.

3)Saying the wrong name. I mean even if your mental picture is someone else at least pretend it's the right name. Nothing causes Mr. Happy to get embarrassed more so than calling him the wrong name. You might as well just dump a bucket of cold water on him at that point. It would cause the same result.

If you're a guy you probably shouldn't say (please note I have never said these things before. They are just here for your general amusement. I swear.)

1)Can you pass the pickles. Or any other reference to food. I know, I know...eating and sex go hand and hand...but most girls don't appreciate our love for food.

2)Can you turn over? No matter how curious you think your partner is it's probably best to approach this one at another time.

3)See # 3 above...except instead of upsetting Mr. Happy you'll be unleashing a rage unlike anything you've ever seen. If this is the case learn to become friends with your couch and wear body armor. Maybe you should put yourself in a bubble just to be safe.

Anyway, I'd love to get some of your feedback so add your comments with your favorite what not to say isms.