What Pushes My Buttons

Lost Stand-Up Comedy Bits

About 6-7 years ago after watching my friend do standup comedy in the city, and long before there was even a thing called blogs, I had roughly sketched out a routine that I would do if I ever took the stage to do standup one day.

Well in cleaning out my drawers from work, I found scribbled on a few pieces of paper my "stand-up" routine. It's funny to look back and see what the hell was going through my head when I wrote this years ago.

There's a warning, some of this material (like some of my blog posts) are vulgar. So be forewarned. Think Eddie Murphy RAW. Enough said. Btw just try to imagine these being delivered in stand-up comedy style, it'll be funnier that way. Also keep in mind this was written a while back, only a year or two removed from college.

Chris' Stand-Up bits:

Bit 1: "Girls Suck"

I love women. But sometimes they do the stupidiest things. There's only 3 things I ask from a girl:

1) Don't be a bitch to my friends
2) Don't stalk me or not trust me
3) Don't let me finger you when you have a tampon inside of you

I mean really, number three should be fuckin obvious? No? This is a true story. One day back in college I was fooling around with the girl and started to run my fingers down you know where. After getting lost in the bushes (really though - ladies, we only have one favor to ask. Please trim your bushes if they grow to over 3 feet. Please. Doesn't have to be fully shaved. Just navigational for us to know our way around. Pretend men are blind and that is like braille to them. I felt like I needed a map to navigate down there, like I was a Goonie looking for treasure. It's that feeling you have when you're 10 years old and you lose your whiffleball in a thorn bush. You reach in hoping for the best and your hand comes out all scratched and bloodied. And you don't even get the ball or come close to touching it.)

Anyway, I finally found an clearing in the forest and started to explore. Suddenly I hit land. Land? Being that I had only fingered one or two girls before I thought maybe there was something I missed those first few times. So I probe again. She's moaning like I'm hitting her g-spot, meanwhile I feel lost and bewilded. Then I find a string. A string? Am I supposed to pull this for service? Does the mysteries of the vagina open up with one tug? Did I miss something in Anatomy class? Meanwhile she continues to moan - obviously faking it. So I ask her politely is that a tampon I'm feeling? Embarrasingly she says oh yeah, I forgot to take it out. Forgot? I mean how erotic can getting a tampon pushed further into your vagina be? Can't imagine that'd feel very good - ladies correct me if I'm wrong.

Bit #2: Performance Anxiety

The worst thing in the world for a guy - besides fingering a girl with a tampon in her vagina - is performance anxiety. God was cruel with this one.

You finally get invited to the big show. You're over your girl's room for the first time. You're laying in bed, and you begin to fool around, and within seconds you're pitching a tent. Moments later she's flogging the dolphin and you're seconds away from erupting. When suddenly it hits you. You don't know the house rules. Your mind starts to race. Does she want me to cum all over her sheets? Will she cover me up with her hand? Are there paper towels near by? You panic and start to lose control. Captain Happy starts his retreat. She thinks she's doing something wrong so she switches hands and tempo. Meanwhile all you can think about is wishing you had a sock or an old pair of boxers to explode into. You start getting softer and softer -you've lost the battleground. Captain Happy finds his shell. Your girl looks at you in disgust and starts rattling off excuses. "There's another girl, isn't there?". "I'm not attractive enough for you". You're defensiveless to respond. How do you tell her you didn't know if she would rather have a map of hawaii on her ceiling or on her sheets? She walks out of the room and slams the door. Like Seinfeld you blurt out "I didn't know the rules!!!".

So those are two bits I had sketched out. I think they may have gone over well given the right audience and delivery. Any feedback??