Nintendo Night

So last night I regressed about 20 years. I sat and played a whole season of Tecmo Bowl. Yes Tecmo Bowl. Nintendo. Lemme 'splain.

I got a Yobo for xmas. Yobo is a new age Nintendo system that plays all of the old nintendo games. It's a top loading system and miraculously plays the games without much trouble. No more blowing the cartridge. Or cotton swabs with rubbing alcohol. And the controller is rounded instead of square so you don't get the calluses inside your hands from playing too long. It's a Christmas miracle that this was developed!! Good thing I held onto my old Nintendo games like Ice Hockey, Double Dribble, Zelda, Super Mario 1, 2 and 3, Blades of Steel, Contra, Tetris...list goes on and on. I'd rather play any of my old nintendo games than any new gaming system like PS3 or Xbox 360. Yes, I know, the graphics don't compare, but the game play back then was much simplier. I mean how much easier does it get to play Contra, a game that had great graphics and intense play. To play that now, you would need to hold left trigger, X, Y, Turbo, right thumbstick to the left, left hand on blue, all just to shoot your gun. Needless to say I'm a gaming purist, so this Yobo was like my favorite gift ever (well, except when I got Nintendo the first time many moons ago).

Anyway, without missing a beat, I tried to plow through Tecmo Bowl with the Bears. The 1989 Bears. With Walter Payton, Jim McMahon, Willie Gault, Richard Dent, Fridge Perry, Mike Singletary. My goal was to try to sweep through the season without giving up a point. A bit ambitious considering I hadn't played in quite a while. But without further adieu here are the results and summary of each game:

Game 1: Bears vs. 49ers. The 49ers never get past midfield as Singletary notches 7 INTs. Complete blowout as Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Roger Craig were overwhelmed. Final score 77-0.

Game 2: Bears vs. Vikings. Vikings never get past midfield either. 6 more Singletary INTs. Last second 54 yard FG by Kevin Butler as time expires makes the final score 73-0.

Game 3: Bears vs. Giants. Everyone who plays Tecmo knows 2 things. 1) the opponents get tougher (faster) each week. 2) Lawrence Taylor can block any FG or extra point. Plus through in a tough Joe Morris at RB and Mark Bavaro at TE and this should be a minor challenge right? The Giants broke midfield once, they got to the Bears 49 and no further. Taylor does block an extra point, which keeps the Bears from hitting 70 again. Final score, 69-0.

Game 4: Bears vs. Cowboys. My favorite team was no match for Da Bears. Hershel Walker was held in check all game. The Cowboys do get as far as the Bears 35 yard line, but a Singletary tackle on 4th and inches stops the drive and any chance for the Cowboys to score. Final score, 63-0.

Game 5: Bears vs Dolphins. 1972 Dolphins went undefeated, and they celebrate each time a team these days fails to equal their feat. The 1985 Bears almost went undefeated as these Dolphins tried to stop the 89 Bears from doing the same. Dennis Gentry takes the opening kickoff for a TD to put the Bears up 7-0. It's all Bears until Marino hits Duper for a long TD pass (Singletary just missed the INT and tackle). Marino catches fire and sets up a Lorenzo Hampton 1 yard TD run on 3rd and goal to break the Bears scoreless streak. Pissed off, Gentry returns the ensuing kickoff for his 2nd kickoff return for a TD of the game. Marino, Duper, clayton and company were shut down from there. Singletary ices the game with a 40 yard TD INT return as time expires. Final score, 63-6.

Game 6: Bears vs Broncos. After losing their bid to plow through the season without given up a point, the Bears took their frustration out on John Elway and his "three amigos" (Jackson, Johnson and Nattiel). The Broncos get no further than the Bears 48 as the Bears decide to eat up some clock with Walter Peyton. Bears blitz John Elway and nearly sack him for a safety twice. Bears score 14 points in each quarter. Final score, 56-0.

Game 7: Bears vs. Colts. These Colts are certainly not the Peyton Manning colts. They rely heavily on their workhouse Eric Dickerson. Jack Trudeau is the QB and he has a popgun arm. So the Bears were ready for run, run, run. The Colts don't disappoint and go 3 and out with Dickerson numerous times as Dickerson didn't have a single run for positive yardage. He did have 2 screen passes for 3 yards. He probably had -30 yards rushing thanks to a Bears blitzkreig. Trudeau goes on to throw 5 passes (2 to Dickerson) and the other 3 end up in the hands of Singletary. Dennis Gentry gets many punt return opportunities, but can't break one. Bears put together long drives all game which holds the scoring output down. However they explode for a 21 point 4th Quarter. Final score, 56-0.

Game 8: Bears vs. Seahawks. Bears visit Dave Kreig and Steve Largent and Curt Warner (the black RB not the white QB). The unsung hero for Seattle is their kick returner Edmonds, who breaks a few long kickoff returns to put Seattle in scoring position. However the Bears shut down the offense from there as the Seahawks only get one first down all game. Warner is held to negative rushing yards. McMahon throws his first INT as the Bears were driving. Butler kicks a 47 yard FG as time expires to complete 24 point 4th Quarter. Final score, 66-0.

Game 9: Divisional Playoff Game: Bears vs. Browns. Cleveland and their stingy defense are next up for the Bears. Bernie Kosar is at QB with Reggie Langhorne, Webster Slaughter and Ozzie Newsome at WR. Kevin Mack is the tough RB. Tough team to play late in the game. The Browns blitz all game as the Bears have to take short yardage each time. The Browns take away Peyton and Gault so McMahon is forced to lean on Cap Boso (TE) and Ron Morris (WR) over the middle as he was under pressure all game. Boso catches 4 TDs for a career day. Reggie McNeil proves to be a key weapon returning kicks for the Browns. One of his long returns sets up a Kosar to Langhorn 34 yard TD pass, the second score the Bears allow this season. The Browns play strong, but the Bears are too much. Final score, 49-7.

Game 10: Divisional Championship Game: Bears vs. Redskins. Doug Williams and the "Fun Bunch" (Monk, Clark and Didier) are a tough passing team. Timmy Smith is the unsung RB, however the strength of this Redskins team is their defense led by Dexter Manley and Darrell Green. The Bears are looking to roll after a tough game vs. the Browns. They shut down the running game once again as Timmy Smith runs for negative yards. The Skins D plays tough, but Peyton and Gault are able to break free for some big plays. Doug Williams has some success in the air, but Singletary is a ball hawk as usual. The Redskins have a chance to score in the 3rd Quarter, but Singletary picks off Williams on the 1 yard line. The Bears take the next drive 95 yards capped off by a Peyton TD rush. Peyton also breaks off a TD as time expires as the Bears roll. Final score, 56-0.

Game 11: TECMO BOWL. Bears vs Raiders. The Black and Blue vs the Silver and Black. Bo Jackson. Marcus Allen. The Raiders running game is one of the unstoppable forces in Tecmo Bowl. The Bears play them at their toughest, in the Tecmo Bowl. The Bears haven't allowed positive yards on the ground all season but know the Jackson and Allen are capable of breaking the big one on every play. Schroeder is the QB and has Tim Brown and Todd Christensen to make plays through the air. Clearly the Bears toughest test. The one chink in the armor for the Raiders? Their pass defense. The Bears open with a long scoring drive capped off by a Willie Gault TD to go up 7-0. A Schroeder INT leads to another McMahon to Gault strike, 14-0. Butler tackles Tim Brown on the Raiders 15 on the kickoff. However Marcus Allen breaks through the hole on the 1st play of the drive, going 85 yards untouched to make the score 14-7. The Bears recover quickly and put together a long drive as McMahon finds Gault yet again to make the score 21-7. Schroeder throws an INT as the Bears however McMahon throws an INT on the ensuing possession (his second of the season). The Bears capitalize as Bo Jackson gets in on the fun, ripping off a 45 yard TD run. However the Bears block the extra point and the score is 21-13 at halftime. The Bears shut down the Raiders on their possession to start the second half and McMahon finds Gault for the 4th time on the next drive to make the score 28-13. The Bears are keyed in on Allen and Jackson on the next drive, and shut down both leading to a 3 and out. McMahon finds Gault for the 5th time on the next drive as the Bears take a 35-13 lead at the end of the 3rd Quarter. Allen breaks a few mini runs on the next possession, but a Schroeder INT ends the drive in Bears territory. McMahon capitalizes by finding (who else) Willie Gault for his 6th TD of the game to put the Bears up 42-13. The Raiders go three and out on their next possession and the Bears get the ball back on their own 18 with 30 seconds left in the 4th Quarter. McMahon drives the team to Raiders territory, and tries to find Gault for a 7th TD catch. However the Raiders have Gault covered, and the Bears settle for a Butler 36 yard FG as time expired to make the final score 45-13.

So in case you're counting at home, the Bears pitch 8 shutouts on the season and outscore their opponents 673-26. Not bad, but certainly room for improvement. I'll try again for another sweep, after I play some Tetris, and Zelda and Contra :)

Everyone is LOUD!!!

Not that this is earth-shattering news, but have you noticed that people are increasingly louder these days? They talk louder, walk louder, and just are louder in general. I blame this on the IPod/MP3 revolution. Now before you go and rake my ass over the coals hear me out.

Back in the days some people had walkmen. And you could tell who listened to their walkman constantly based on their lack of hearing ability. Normally those people said "What?" a lot, simply because their ear drums were damaged from constantly listening to music in their earphones. The other "hearing impared" were ones that drove cars that were suped up with bass and sound systems. They couldn't hear much either. But as a whole, people were able to whisper and carry on conversations at a decent noise level.

Now-a-days, almost everyone has an ipod or other mp3 player. And these people just don't realize that when they talk, they are trying to talk above the music in their ears. They in turn make other people talk louder and so on. Now that millions of people are talking louder it's made life miserable for those with "hawk-like" ears like myself (makes up for my lack of vision :) These are the same people that have become so deaf that their TV's now blast full volume just so they can hear.

Don't believe me that this generation is deaf? Walk into any store, especially Abercrombie or the Gap. The music is vibrating the floors it's so loud. While I'm all for techno when i'm pimpin at a club, i don't need that shit when i'm trying to concentrate on which overpriced sweater to buy as a xmas present.

So one request this holiday season, turn down the fuckin music in your headphones. I don't need to hear it standing 100 feet away from you nor do i want to hear you screaming to your friends just to be heard. When you drop something on the floor (upstairs neighbors!) it's LOUD!! Even if you can't hear it because your ear drums have been deflated. That and while I love Austin Powers, there's no reason for me to listen to the movie playing on your tv while sitting in my living room. Ok? Good.

Now that that has been established, I can't wait to get my new ipod Shuffle for christmas, with new super bass earphones that blast at 100 decibels. Sweet...let the music blast away.

Happy Holidays (Hanukkah, Christmas, Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, etc) everyone!!!

When You're Here..."

You're family. Right. Olive Garden. The typical "American hangout" where 5 hour waits for dinner on a Saturday Night are not uncommon. Food is "middle of the road" Italian, not the best but not dog food either right? WRONG. Apparently now Olive Garden = Taco Bell



---
INDIANAPOLIS (Dec. 15) - Three people have been hospitalized and more than 300 people claim they became ill after eating at an Olive Garden restaurant last weekend, a health official said Friday.

Also, six restaurant workers reported on Monday that they were feeling ill, said Marion County Health Department spokesman John Althardt. Olive Garden is based in Orlando.

"We're trying to isolate what the cause of the illness might be," he said.

The problem has been isolated to the Olive Garden on East 82nd Street on Indianapolis' north side, Althardt said.

Health officials have found no link to E. coli bacteria that sickened patrons at East Coast Taco Bell restaurants recently, Althardt said.

Olive Garden patrons reported becoming ill after eating at the restaurant on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, he said. They said they had symptoms including nausea, vomiting, fever and diarrhea.

Inspectors met with restaurant managers on Tuesday and found no health code violations. Health officials were collecting leftover food and stool samples from those stricken to try to pinpoint the source of the illness, Althardt said.

A news release from the restaurant said the company is working with health officials to find the cause.

"We're pleased the health department has determined our guests should feel comfortable continuing to dine at Olive Garden," the statement said.

Frank Williams said he became sick Tuesday morning after eating at the Olive Garden over the weekend.

"It was my wife's birthday party dinner and the only thing that everyone had was a little cake," he told Indianapolis television station WRTV. "And that seemed to be a fairly unlikely candidate to cause everyone to get sick."

Seven of the eight people in his party fell ill, he said.

---

Ha...cake. Right. Maybe they got served the urinal cake. Did they ever think Maybe people got sick because they waited 9 fucking hours to get a reservation. Ever think of THAT? I'd rather get sick instantly from Taco Bell for my well spent $4 then wait 10 hours for a table, spend $25 and get sick. Maybe that's just me.

Darrell Hammond

So I had the opportunity to go to Gotham Comedy Club on Wednesday night to see a show with up and coming comics. My coworker Carol is friends with some comedians who were on stage that night so I went to check out the show.

The third guy to the stage was a surprise guest, Darrell Hammond from Saturday Night Live! Well when she called his name no one was there. She waited, called his name again and he comes stumbling over to the stage. We were sitting right next to the main entrance for the stage and Darrell knocked down Carol's beer on our table. He was wasted. He actually made a comment saying he wasn't ready yet. He still had his jacket on and was walking with a limp. Everyone thought he was doing an act, but he was actually wasted. He asked for a diet coke and after a minute or two of stumbling around the stage, he recovered enough to do a great set. He mostly did some Clinton and Bush impersonations which were awesome to hear in person. Anyway funny to see him perform even though he wasn't a headliner.



However the comic who really brought down the house was Jessica Kirson (she was on Last Comic Standing). She was absolutely hysterical. If you like comedy, definitely go check her out. Her website is http://www.jessicakirson.com


Anyway, definitely go check any show out if you need a laugh. Gotham actually redid their space, looks a lot nicer now. http://www.gothamcomedyclub.com

Asshole awards of the day

Today's asshole of the day awards go to the makers of the extra puffy, triple down goose, annoying large "puffer" jackets. Congratulations. Obviously you've never ridden a subway or taken public transportation in your entire life. You've managed to shrink the capacity of subway cars ten-fold. When you once used to cram 40 people into the "safe-haven" (you know the 20'x8' area when you walk into the subway where everyone stands instead of fuckin moving in to the middle of the car where no one stands. To all those who complain about getting "subway grinded" how bout you move into the middle next time. Then you won't have some pervert shoving his crotch in your ass.) You've also managed to play into the hype of the obesity of Americans. Your jackets have made 185 pound men look like they're 325 pounds. Good work. Next time one of the assholes wearing your jacket tries to bully himself (or herself) around the train like they think they own the fuckin place, i'm gonna slice your jacket, remove the feathers and tar and feather your bitch ass. Holla.

Next asshole of the day goes to the smoker who inhaled their own smoke. Smart move to light up in 50 mph wind gusts and then inhale your puff of smoke as it blew right back in your face. I hope that choking fit you went through hurt as much as it looked like it did. Cause you know, nothing cures the lungs like inhaling some good ole' methane. You now know how it feels when you puff your cancer sticks in everyone's face. Piece of advice, next time stand downwind asshole.

Final asshole of the day goes to the guy toasting my bialy (thin bagel with the hole in the middle for those who don't know - ie this pic) this morning.


TOASTED means somewhat crispy - not raw. Doesn't mean burnt, just a little crisp. Especially being Bialy's are thin, this shouldn't be too hard. So why the fuck would you give me a bialy that was softer than when it went into the toaster oven? I think the tomato had more crunch than the bialy. (Yes, i get my bialy toasted w/ cream cheese and tomato. Haven't tried it? Do yourself a favor and try it. You'll be hooked too). Next time just toast the fuckin thing. No one wants to eat raw dough with cream cheese. Trust me on this one.

So not bad, three asshole of the day winners and it's not even 9am yet. Good job everyone. Way to spread the holiday cheer.

Duck Hunt

So the game everyone loved from the ole Nintendo...yep the game where it was cool to shoot ducks on the screen with a gun (funny how Nintendo is back to making sticks to interact with games...how long ago did Duck Hunt come out???) is now available on your PC. Without a controller. Just use your mouse and that's it.



If it doesn't work here, you can go to http://www.gamereign.net/flash/duckhunt.swf

Sit back and enjoy.

Sidewalk Landmines

So my normal morning walk to the subway consists of dodging various sidewalk landmines, mostly consisting of piles of shit (dog - not human. although you never know in the ghetto!). Today was exceptionally bad for whatever reason as there was (as this is no exagerration) at least 10 piles strategically placed on the sidewalk. Its a good thing I was at least half awake so i was able to nimbly navigate my way through without incident. Although it looks like some others weren't as fortunate.

This got me thinking, isn't there supposed to be a fine for not curbing your dog? Or does that only count in "nice neighborhoods?". If that happened on lets say York and 75th, you'd have an uproar and lawsuits would be filed and persecuters would be hung. I've definitely heard of people getting fined for not curbing their dog in some places. So why not us? Obviously cops avoid the ghettos like the plague, but wouldn't it make sense once in a while to have someone on guard dishing out tickets? What's the fine these days for that offense? $25? $50? Well whatever it is, you'd have 10 times that number on mornings like today.

So instead of those "officers" who go around checking meters and registrations, how bout you put them on shit duty (no pun intended) once in a while. If you catch 10 people per morning on just one block alone, well that's at least $250 for the city right there. Have a few people roaming the streets and you're looking at an easy grand for the city each day. Do that 5 days a week for an entire year and you're looking at over $250,000 for the city in revenue. Not a ton but not bad right? Plus the streets would be a hell of a lot cleaner. So if anyone from the D.O.T. or the NYPD is reading, let's start cracking on this....thanks!

Field & Stream's Funniest "Home" Videos

So in browsing through our website today I found some video i'd never seen before. Maybe you haven't either, so in that case enjoy!

The Buck Who Fought Back!

Now This is Some Easy Fishing!

Some Boxing Bucks

That Squirrel is Dynamite!

High Jumping Shark

Kramer Tirade

Everyone may have heard, but some, including me, haven't seen the Kramer tirade from the other night. Someone caught it on their cellphone:



Holy crap! He was doing ok until he started using the N-Word. That did him in.

Anyway, here's Kramer's heartfelt apology. Love Seinfield jumping in to defend him. Kramer looks absolutely devasted over it. Poor guy. Everyone flips out on stage once in a while. I'm glad Letterman wasn't a dick and throw him under the bus.



It reminds me when were at Dangerfield's a year ago when people walked out on a comic who responded hatefully to being heckled. It's not an easy thing for the comic nor the audience. It really is a thankless business. Heckling is fun, but people do push the limits cause they feel it's their right. Not saying the comic is wrong for responding with racist remarks, but sometimes when you're in the spotlight and someone is taking shots at you from a distance your tendancy is to respond with hateful words. And it's sad. Just a no-win situation for everyone.

Anyway, on that note hopefully everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving. Enjoy with some images of turkey being taken down. Courtesy of OutdoorLife ;)

Is it just me?

Or does this seem like a terrible waste of milk?



I mean really. There's starving people in Africa...and East Harlem...who would love to have a glass of milk right about now and these two are just pouring it out like it was being handed out free on the street corner. Ridiculous. Well since this is a family, wholesome blog, let's concentrate more on the traditional milk image:



That's the proper way to use milk. Innocent. Paired with cookies. Not paired with thongs and whores!

Anyway maybe I'm just bitter because I was really craving some milk and cookies tonight but alas my milk went bad and my cookies are stale. Damn spoiled milk.
Anyway, guess I'll just have to wait for getting some cannoli's at Veniero's tomorrow. Yum.



Ok I'll stop drooling over the computer now. Until next time...enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend and eat plenty of Turdunkin!

White Castle for Thanksgiving?

So Krystal, for those who don't know, is very similar to White Castle. Anyone who knows me knows I love me some Castle. My record is 30 burgers in one sitting. I've been known to knock back a dozen before you can blink an eye. Anyway, I guess I have some competition out there. Joey Chestnut, the top competitive eater in the U.S., is the record holder at the Krystal eating competition. He ate 28 burgers in 2 minutes. Pretty sick. He's also the one who ate 52 hot dogs at Nathan's this year, only 2 dogs short of Kobayashi. Here's Joey in action:



Nasty stuff. He's a hero to us all. If I had only known this was a competitive sport years ago, I'd probably reign supreme!

Anyway, as you sit down at the table this Thanksgiving, think of shoveling mashed potatoes or stuffing into your mouth as fast as you can and think of all the Joey Chestnut's of the world who do this for a living and aspire to be them. For if America is the fattest country on the planet, we might as well be the fattest and fastest eaters! It's time to take Kobayashi down! USA! USA!

Kiss My Bass

That's right...go ahead and kiss it. Caught this nice 400 lb bass Sunday am off Montauk...ok maybe not 400lb, but felt like it trying to reel it in. But it was about 27-28 inches and gave us enough food for lunch and plenty to sock away in my freezer! Actually we brought some to Wok N Roll out in Montauk where their motto is you hook em' we cook em! Sweet. Had some fresh bass in sesame sauce - delicious, and some fresh bass in ginger/scallion sauce. Equally as good. But anyway here's some pics of my prize catch (which btw was the only keeper of the day - we caught plenty of blue fish but we threw em back).

Celebrity Look-A-Likes"

So came across this today...you have to go to MyHeritage.com and sign up, but it's pretty cool...a Celebrity look alike imager that takes your face and matches it to celebrity look a likes. You have to register to MyHeritage (free), but then again what's registration to another site? Here's my results:




Not one to be satisfied...I reran with a new picture. Much better celeb results! :)

What is this, UNO?

Firstly I apologize for the poor blog layout in the past month. Apparently Blogger switched over to Google and took some time to getting all the bugs out. But now it's looking good...thank you Google for making the world a better place!

Anyway, so now that the gingerbread latte is back at Starbucks (i swear they put nicotine in these things they're so addicting!) I've been temporarily lifting my boycott at Starbucks. Gingerbread and the Cinnamon Dolce latte are the best drinks they have...although at $5 per Venti (large) you'll go broke in a day. Anyway, the last few times I've ordered, I wait patiently at "the bar" for the coffee and everytime without fail, 10 other people get their coffee before I do. I mean, some are easy than others...but this woman today who wasn't even on line when i was...at least 10 people back, got her Gingerbread Latte before I did. The guy handed it to her, knowing full well i was waiting for the same...she was like oh i'm sorry, you were here first. Out of kindness I let her take it...and had to wait 4 more coffees before mine came along with a half hearted apology. I mean, this is at least the 4th time in a row that's happened to me...luckily i haven't pulled a Michael Douglas in Falling Down yet.


Anyway, I know I'm not a busty blond with my tits hanging out, nor a curvy latina with tight asshugging jeans, but dammit I pay $5 for a fuckin coffee, the least you can do is serve it to me before 20 other people get theirs. It's unreal. I mean I wait my turn, stand aside, smile, say good morning to people, and I still get screwed. Doesn't matter who's serving me...guy or girl. It's like they say, let's make this poor schmuck wait and sweat it out a bit. Like I'm playing Uno and I keep getting skip. Or someone hits the Reverse before my turn. I mean the only reason I'm drinking your fuckin coffee anyway is it works better than Ex-Lax. Seriously. Try it sometime. Unless maybe that's why mine take so long...they could be tainting it. Hmm...Fast Food Nation the movie is coming out soon...let the consipiracy theories begin!

Pics from Aruba

It's been quite hectic with the impending sale of my company...so that unfortunately has eaten into my blogging time. However in the meantime enjoy these lovely pictures I took from Aruba...

Balashi. The Arubian Beer. It's awesome. Aruba has some of the best drinking water in the world...and you can tell based on how good the beer tastes. If only they imported it!


Various pics of the sunsetting...awesome stuff.




Finally pictures of a sunny day on the beach. It's ridiculous how nice it is there year round:

Aruba

Well after working this past weekend I'm off to lovely Aruba for a much needed vacation.

The webcam on the Aruba.com website is right next to the hotel I'll be staying at. I'll be sure to give the camera some waves :)


http://www.bucuticam.com/arubacam.jpg

http://www.bucuticam.com/tarabeach.jpg

Either one of those links are to the live webcam.

Enjoy your week!

Me in my dancing finest

Haha...this is hysterical. I have some moves, that's for sure!



Click pic to view.

Latte Bath

Sorry again for the long delay...been a crazy past couple of weeks. But now I'm back with some good stories to share.

So this am back in Starbucks (yes, my love/hate relationship with them continues - I'm just holding out until they bring back either the Cinnamon Dolce or Gingerbread Lattes...that's like my kiddie crack!) and I'm putting sugar in my tall skim latte. The lady next to me is swirling her coffee around feverishly while adding sucar (sugar) to her megalargegrandemochalattechinoberry concoction. So you know what's going next? Splash mountain. Luckily it was only on the counter and got on the back of my hand. But still, did she not see me next to her? And of course I get no apology. Luckily the foam splashed on me rather than the coffee itself. I look at her and she's busy checking the consistency of her drink, oblivious to anyone around her (come to think of it she did look like a witch so perhaps that would explain it). At this point I don't know whether to laugh, or choke slam her through the coffee bar. Anyway she leaves and I wipe up my hand however some frantic douchbag stands next to me and is trying to hold about 100 things in his hands while adding stuff to his coffee (what's wrong with these people by the way...you can put stuff down on the floor once in a while - really, you can. The floor won't eat your laptop or your coat or your paddington bear). Anyway in his mad panic to but Equal into whatever overpriced coffee he was drinking he knocks over the "sugar in the clear jar" thing that you normally see in diners. And guess where it lands. On the back of the same hand that just took a latte bath. You have to be kidding me right? At least he apologized unlike the mad scientist before him. But now that the back of my hand has been tar and feathered I'm off to a good start today. I'm glad my subtle hints of vanilla in my Hugo Boss have been replaced with Au D'Latte. Fuckin assholes.

Anyway, here's my take on the whole Kenny Rogers thing. It's well known in baseball circles that pitchers occassionally "doctor" the ball to get more break or spin on it. That's been known since the game has been played. But for Rogers to say that the umpire didn't mention the "discoloration" on his hand between innings, and rather Rogers claimed the conversation was about time between innings (why couldn't he make up a better lie there...like he was asking about the family, or seeing where he wanted to grab dinner that evening). Anyway both Leyland and the umpire said the conversation was about the substance on his hand, which Rogers denies. So who's telling the truth? Rogers? Or an 102 year old manager and an umpire? I mean looking at this picture it's clear that Rogers has more substances on his hand than Bob Ross' color palette. If you look closely you may see some happy little trees on his hand too.



Oh well, I guess one will never know for sure. Although some of his teammates had said it's food on his hand. I don't know about you but if there's food on my hand I'd eat it. I wouldn't save it through a few hours of sweating on a pitcher's mound. However here's some comments from Andy Van Slyke, a hitting coach for the Tigers about the "gunk" on Rogers hand:

"You know, he has a terrible habit," Tigers coach Andy Van Slyke reported, "of eating Tootsie Rolls. And he happened to sit next to a heater."

Right. That was probably it. And there are undoubtedly other possibilities, too. Like, well, chocolate cake. Tigers closer Todd Jones tossed that one out there Sunday night.

"No," Van Slyke said, in instant denial mode. "You can't bring cake on the bench. You've got to eat something with a wrapper on it."

All right. How about soup? That's about the same color as Rogers' hand.

"Nope," Van Slyke said. "No utensils allowed on the bench. But if we were playing in Japan, it might have been wasabi."

OK, so if this were the Japan tour, we might be on to something. But since this is the World Series, that's out.

So was there any chance, us media madmen persisted, that it might have been pine tar? And Van Slyke was just about the perfect person to ask, too, since he was seen in the dugout in what appeared to be a long, between-innings chat with Rogers after the first inning Sunday.

But in truth, "I wasn't involved in the conversation," Van Slyke quipped. "Just, when I shook Kenny's hand, it took me 30 seconds to get unstuck."

---

Last time I checked dirt isn't exactly sticky. One bullpen coach suggested that it was pine tar on Rogers hand. He has a pretty interesting comment about players using sunscreen, lotion, ky jelly (well maybe not ky), but you can view that article here:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jon_heyman/10/23/scoop.rogers/index.html

Anyway don't want to beat this dead horse any further. All I know is that perhaps I should pitch for whomever team tonight...especially with the "sticky latte-based substance" on the back of my hand.

Also for all those people who were complaining that NO one would want to watch a Yankees vs Mets world series outside of New York cause no one would watch, feast your eyes on this: The St. Louis Cardinals' 7-2 victory over the Detroit Tigers on Saturday night received an 8.0 fast national rating and 15 share, Fox said Monday, down 16 percent from the previous record low for an opener, a 9.5 for last year's 5-3 Chicago White Sox win over the Houston Astros.

Tis all for now...I'll be back with more fun and musings shortly.

Nerd Alert

And for all those who thought they were smart, this guy takes the cake. Or should I say "Pie". Haha.

TOKYO - A Japanese mental health counselor recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory on Wednesday, setting what he claims to be a new world record.

Akira Haraguchi, 60, needed more than 16 hours to recite the number to 100,000 decimal places, breaking his personal best of 83,431 digits set in 1995, his office said Wednesday. He made the attempt at a public hall in Kisarazu, just east of Tokyo.

Pi is a physical constant defined as the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.

It is usually written out to a maximum of three decimal places, as 3.141, in math textbooks. But the number, which has fascinated scientists for centuries, has no theoretical limit to the number of decimal places it can be written to. It is a constant that appears in the proofs of many equations defining the universe.

"What I am aiming at is not just memorizing figures, I am thrilled by seeking a story in pi," Haraguchi said.

The Guinness Book of Records currently lists Hiroyuki Goto, also from Japan, as the official record holder for reciting pi from memory. He recited the ratio out to 42,195 decimal places in 1995.

Guinness never entered Haraguchi's 1995 feat in its record book. The editors of the book could not be immediately reached for comment regarding Haraguchi's latest attempt.

Haraguchi, a psychiatric counselor and business consultant in nearby Mobara city, took a break of about 5 minutes every one to two hours, going to the rest room and eating rice balls during the attempt, said Naoki Fujii, spokesman of Haraguchi's office.

Fujii said all of Haraguchi's activities during the attempt, including his bathroom breaks, were videotaped for evidence that will later be sent for verification by the Guinness Book of Records.

Two local education officials joined 29 conference hall staff who worked in rotation to monitor Haraguchi.

Haraguchi, who began reciting pi at 9 a.m. Tuesday, reached his previous record of 83,431 digits Tuesday night, finishing exactly at 100,000 digits at 1:28 a.m. Wednesday, Fujii said.

In 2002, University of Tokyo mathematicians, aided by a supercomputer, set the world record for figuring out pi to 1.24 trillion decimal places.

In news Around the World

I've been busy with work so haven't had time for my own musings, so hopefully you enjoyed the last few videos i've posted. In other news today I saw the following articles of interest that I thought I'd share.

Lightning bolt throws photographer in the air
Apparently this lightning bolt through the photographer in the air who was taking the picture. I've always been fascinated with lightning so this was a cool shot.
Here's the link to the article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=407650&in_page_id=1770


On a more lighthearted note...

'Glorious nation' of Kazakhstan fights back against Borat
The Kazakhstan government is desperately fighting to salvage its country's image and reputation after being made a laughing-stock by Borat, the alter ego of comedian Sacha Boran Cohen.

A four-page colour supplement appeared in the New York Times yesterday, presenting the country as an industrialised, outward-looking modern nation with a stable economy and thriving tourist industry.

A far cry from the anti-Semetic, "horse-urine drinking, incestuous people", 'journalist' Borat portrays in his TV show and takes even further in his film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

Cohen has done anything but "make benefit" for Kazakhstan, where the government is furious to have become the target of such ridicule, which can only increase with expectations the film will be a huge hit.

Despite threats of legal action against Cohen, (of which his response is: "I have no connection with Mr Cohen and fully support this government's decision to sue this Jew) the Kazakhstan government is now trying to counter Borat's image of a prostitute-ridden country, with a $50 million tribal epic called Nomad.

It's hoped the government-funded film, the most expensive in its history, along with the supplement in the New York Times will provide a more accurate picture of the country.

The Kazakh president, Nursultan Nasarbayev, was due to arrive in the US yesterday for a trip that will include a meeting with President George Bush.

Lil' Usher

Got this video forwarded to me...hysterical!

Aristocrats: Bob Saget Version

Aristocrats: South Park Version

29 Year Old Virgin

Ok...so apparently this girl Sarah has enlisted the help of Jane magazine to help her get laid before her 30th bday. Apparently you can recommend guys to go out with her and even vote on some candidates. Sounds like a shameless PR blitz to me...but nonetheless feel free to check it out, I've heard she's a pretty entertaining writer. She writes about her dates and dating in general:

http://www.janemag.com/memos/blogs/sarah

Also in passing through the hood this am I heard two teenage girls talking about a guy one girl said "Damn his dick be small". Haha. Nice to hear at 8:30 am on a Friday. But it got me thinking maybe we need to come up with new childrens books to edumicate these fine young teenagers at an early age. Here are some suggestions on book titles if anyone from Random House or Putnam Press is reading:

"Daddy what's that moving in your pants?"
"Mami, why does you call every guy your Papi?"
"Daddy, why don't you wrestle like that with Mommy?"
"Mommy how come you walking funny"
"Mommy, how come I'm older than you?" (Although that one requires some thought)

My Cubicle

Funny video/song about My Cubicle...it's a parody of the "Your Beautiful" song sung by James Blount.

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=de262775b1f66173a83fa74e34c0f292.804591&cache=1

Wussiest songs ever

So in browsing the web, I was playing around on AOL's Music and Video site. Not bad content actually. And a pretty funny special they had this week: The 111 Wussiest songs ever. Right up there with my ultimate wedding and shower songs. And unlike ITunes or other music sites, AOL actually lets you play the entire song too. Very cool!

So without further adieu...here's the link. Starting with #111:
http://music.aol.com/feature/111-wussiest-songs-111-102

Not gonna go through all of them, but here's some of the songs I disagree with in the countdown:

#101: I'm Into Something Good. I mean come on...how can you say anybody at some point in their life has sung the chorus gleefully: (High Voice) "Ooooh...something tells me i'm into something...(low voice) something tells me i'm into something gooooddddd. Oooh"

#100: I'm Just Dying in Your Arms Tonight. Don't consider it wussie as much as I do a Monster Jam. "I'm Just Dying in your arms tonight...must have been something you said...I should have walked away...SHOULDA WALKED AWAY". Great underrated shower song too I may add!

#98: Against All Odds. Phil Collins? Wuss? Well, yes, but don't dis the man. He's made his living off wussie songs like "Ssuedio". I mean how wussie does saying "Sue Sue Suedio" sound? But Against All Odds is the shit. Nevermind that I know every word of the song. "Take a good look at me now oh"...powerful stuff. Another great shower song. Why wasn't this on my shower list??? I say Suedio should be here, not Against All Odds.

Although the picture looks wussie...Against All Odds is NOT a Wussy song

#87: Open Arms. I mean it's no Don't Stop Believin' but it's Journey. Wussy is what they do.

#80: Friday I'm in Love. The Cure was never soft...so they went the ballad route. And it landed them on this countdown. Although I think it falls under the Monster Jam category.

#74: I Want to Know What Love Is. I don't need to defend Foreigner. Take them off this list.

Btw..just to interject, I'm watching Fashion Rocks on CBS and I heard the worst singer ever. This guy was signing the whole song in Falsetto like Andy Gibb. Elton John was on the piano. This no talent ass clown jumped onto the piano while Sir Elton was playing! Don't you have to have talent to jump onto Elton's piano? I mean really. Has Elton John become that desparate for money that he lets some talentless punk jump all over his piano? I guess the answer is yes.


Elton used to be the man...until he let people jump on his piano

Anyway back to the countdown.

#28: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. No other song can make you feel happy and giddy inside. None! So we didn't know George Michael was gay at that time. Don't hold it against WHAM. Off the list they should go.

George Michael is GAY? I guess we should have saw that coming!

#24: All Out of Love. Air Supply was the best at the power ballad. So why call them Wussies? That's like calling Oprah a talk show host. We know she is. Thanks.

#11: Hello. Ok. No one calls Lionel Richie a wuss! Lionel's the man, even if his "daughter" is causing him some negative press. At least he could say she's adopted. But Lionel did redeem himself with that "Your my angel..my miracle...you're all i need" dance song that made it's way around the Wedding circuit for a few years. I'd say that was a much wussier song than Hello. Go to any Karoake bar and you'll hear Hello at least once a night.

#7: What's Left of Me. You know I have to defend my boy Nick Lachey. Even if this song is incredibly sappy and wussy. Hopefully his next album is not so god damn mopey. So Nick, if you're reading...go back to the 98 degrees days please. Thanks.

#1: Shiny Happy People. You can't seriously put REM at #1? Really?? It's a feel good song just like the Wham's Wake Me up Before you Go-Go. I mean I know "You're Beautiful" and "I Want It That Way" are in the top 20, but you mean to tell me R.E.M is more wussie than the Backdoor Boys? I beg to differ. Who would you rather pick to win a fight...Michael Stipe or any of the Backdoor Boys?? Exactly.

You're calling Stipe a wuss? Stipe would kick any of the Backdoor Boys asses!

Anyway enjoy your weekend...and the trip down memory lane.

Enriching our Knowledge

So now that it's back to school time it's time to switch gears into more "studious topics"...ok, maybe not. But one of the thoughts I had while going to work today through the throng of kids begrudingly going back to school, was how kids have the world at their fingertips online. Back in the day, our only reference source was the Encyclopedia. Brittania was of course the best encyclopedia, but only those priviledged enough to have parents willing to cough up the few extra dollars instead of those who's parents got their encyclopedia collection with a purchase of $25 or more from Payless were able to reference it's vast amount of usefulness. I happened to love the encyclopedia, more so for the maps that I studied to last longer in our Geography game on road trips. You know the game. Someone mentions a place (city, state, country, river, etc) and the next person has to name a new place using the last letter of the last place mentioned as the first letter of the new place. Like if person A said New York, person B would have to start the next place with the letter K. And so on. If you haven't heard of the game before, don't ask. I was a big dork in school.

Anyways these days, the whippersnappers these days get to use Wikipedia. (www.wikipedia.org) for those who haven't seen or live under a rock. Wikipedia is like an encyclopedia in progress, with people adding pages of information per day. It's a pretty good source of useless knowledge and is slowly becoming the new google. Anyway, I read something the other day about the Hudson Canyon and how the topography of the canyon was just finished. For those who aren't familiar with the project it's really interesting.

You can read more about the project in this link


Anyway thought the project was pretty cool...would be curious to see what NYC trash they're able to find when they send subs down there to take photographs of the ocean floor.

Also on a side note, with all of the shit (no pun intended) that I get on this blog for all of my "potty" humor...I'm gonna go on the record by saying I was officially onto something. Especially considering the fact that a CNN Anchor recently got caught gossiping in the lou with her mic on on live air while the president was giving an address. If you haven't seen it it's pretty funny:

The CNN anchor is Kyra Phillips. Here is some of the transcript for those who can't make out the words over the president's:

Kyra Phillips: "–assholes–Yeah, I’m very lucky in that regard with my husband. My husband is handsome and he is genuinely a loving, you know, no ego–[unintelligible] you know what I’m saying. Just a really passionate, compassionate great, great human being. And they exist. They do exist. They’re hard to find. Yup. But they are out there."

[unidentified woman]: ‘We’ll see. He’s going to come, you know, he’s set for an extended visit–[unintelligible]"

Phillips: "I mean, that’s, that’s how you figure it all out, those extended visits. [laughter]"

[unidentified woman]: "Yeah, but my mom, I think she really likes him."

Phillips: "Mom’s got a good vibe? Good."

[unidentified woman]: "Yeah, my brother’s the one that–[unintelligible]"

Phillips: "Brother–of course, brothers have to be, you know, protective. Except for mine. I’ve got to be protective of him."

[unidentified woman–unintelligible]

Phillips: "Yeah. He’s married, three kids, but his wife is just a control freak."

[unidentified woman #2]: "Kyra."

Phillips: "Yeah, baby?"

[unidentified woman #2]: "Your mic is on. Turn it off. It’s been on the air."

Seconds later, Daryn Kagan stumbled through this awkward transition:

Daryn Kagan: "Alright, we’ve been listening in to President Bush as he speaks in, uh, New Orleans today. This is the one year anniversary of Katrina making land shore there. President Bush saying if another natural disaster hits, our country–we must, uh, react better than that. Let’s listen in once again to President Bush."

HAHAHA...classic. Wish I would've seen that live! Apparently that's not the first time she's messed up on the air. Apparently she once referred to U.S. Ambassador John Bolton to Michael Bolton. Click the link below to view the transcript and play the video:
http://newsbusters.org/node/1177

The Farting Preacher

Low brow but pretty funny.
..>

Stick a Fork in Them


That's directly off bostondirtdogs.com
I can't take much creative liberty for that :)

It's a pretty funny site for those who haven't seen. Written by Red Sox fans about the Red Sox and their fans.

The latest thing is blaming their recent bad luck on a crow that apparently "ran" onto the field a few weeks ago. Apparently the crow was injured and sat on first base for a while and hobbled around the field.



The crow spurred quite a bit of humorous remarks from Red Sox fans:

'I don't remember seeing anything like that,' said Elliott Ginsburg, a 64-year-old Sox fan who's held season tickets since 1972. 'That thing ran from base to base pretty good. I think he was faster than [Doug] Mirabelli was getting to the plate last night.' "

'He can probably hit better than Mirabelli,' snapped Anthony Taurasi, 32. 'He's probably just as good [on the basepaths] as Manny Ramírez.' " -- 8.2.06, Boston Globe

"In Greek superstition crows are seen as a bad omen, often foretelling death."
-- OldSuperstitions.com

Pretty funny stuff actually. It actually got some attention in the Boston Globe as well as on Seth Mnookin's blog (he wrote an apparently good book about the economics behind the Red Sox) http://www.sethmnookin.com/blog/2006/08/31/introducing-the-curse-of-the-gimpy-crow/

Anyway for those who don't follow baseball I can't help you much here, but for anyone immersed in the Yankees vs Redsox "rivalry" will get a kick out of this comment by one of the Red Sox players:

"Are you dealing with rational people? I don't know, they're Red Sox fans. If they want to boo, what are you going to do?" -- 08.30.06, Kevin Youkilis

I guess for this year we won't have to worry about the Sox in the playoffs...although I'm sure that will equal another first round loss to the Angels or White Sox.

Fast Food Nation - Literally

So just got this forwarded to me. It's a new "fast food" restaurant in the Village. Actually they have this concept at some rest stops, hot food in a vending machine. But actually displaying the food in the vending machines that you're about to purchase after a night of drunken debauchery is a novel concept. Here's an article about the new "restaurant" called Bamn!:



The Automat has returned.

Why it took fifteen years to bring back grilled cheese in a vending machine, we'll never know.

Today marks the red hot opening of Bamn!, the 24-hour St. Mark's crave shack that serves up wholesome, coin-accessible food all under three bucks. With a dozen mouth-watering options in full view behind clear plastic doors, you'll be overwhelmed by choice—spicy breaded wings or chicken nuggets? After a big night, this might be the most important question in the world.

Because we care deeply about how you spend your dollar, we took on the heavy task of tasting each and every item available at Bamn! and created three tasting menus, created from a complex matrix of taste, texture, and value—including the house "omakase":

THE $15 "CHEAP DATE" – 2 PB&J Krokets as a starter, 2 Terigrilled Chicken Burgers and French Fries (go big time and spring an extra 75 cents for truffle aioli dipping sauce), and finish off the romance with a Green Tea Soft Serve to share.

THE $10 "UD BEST OF BAMN!" – Our picks for the best dishes here: Musubi, a Hawaiian layering of rice, seaweed, and seared Spam (it doesn't get better than Spam from a vending machine), Teriburger, Roast Pork Buns, and the hands down Bamn! winner—the phenomenal Mac and Cheese Krokets, aka sticks of heaven.

THE $5 BAMN! CHEF'S "OMAKASE" – spicy breaded chicken Wings, Mozzarella Sticks, and a sticky glazed Japanese Donut ("This is a great sampler platter that should fill you up well," opines Consulting Chef Kevin Reilly on his selections.)

Please eat responsibly, and arm yourself with plenty of napkins—you won't find any utensils. Yes, cheap eating never looked better.

--------------------

It looks pretty cool...although I'd still prefer if Roll N Roaster was still open, but I guess this will have to do for now!

Funny Clip from Borat

Below will play a funny clip from Borat. For those who don't know, Borat is Sacha Cohen's (aka Ali G) character on the Ali G show. There's also a Borat movie scheduled to come out soon.

For more information check out his myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/borat

Enjoy!

Everything on a stick

So fresh off my trip to the home of Coach (the TV show, not the bag) and the visited by 1.6 million people Minnesota State Fair, I'm happy to report my arteries have finally unclogged themselves. You see the rule of any state fair, is all the food you eat has to be either fried or on a stick. So being one to show no concern for my well being consumption wise I went on to follow the rules and eat my way through the fair, one stand at a time.

I started with your traditional corn dog...on a stick of course. The staple of any fair. I then went on to a belgium waffle on a stick. Dipped in chocolate. Buried in whipped cream. One of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. No joke. Bonus points since it was on a stick of course. Then I devoured a fried smores in which chocolate melted all over my fingers. Then it was on to Alligator sausage on a stick. Which was surprisingly good. Then it was a sampling of Hush Puppies (fried), a bite of a fried Snickers bar on a stick and a chocolate Milk Shake. All this in a span of 45 minutes. Surprisingly I felt neither sick nor bloated and thought about all of the other things I need to try at the fair. Unfortunately I was only there a few hours and couldn't indulge in these treats...although I took pictures of some of my favorite food stands:

Ass Explosion

So as I sit here in the dark in my office (since I got in before electricity was discovered apparently) I'm sitting here laughing my ass off. Why? Well I just had another funny bathroom experience. Well funny or disgusting depending on who you ask. I think these things happen to me just so I have something funny to write about.

So again the story starts just as I walk in the bathroom. I hear a foot tapping on the ground and see the stall door closed. So I know that that's my warning someone is in there (see my blog posting in June about bathroom signal behavior). Anyway what I hear next is the sound of exploding ass. I know we've all been there before with diarrea and really bad episodes on the potty...but this was probably the LOUDEST ass explosion I have ever heard. I mean I'm sure the blast lifted him off the seat. I didn't hear anything else after that for at least 10 seconds so I thought either a) he died b) he was too embarrassed to make a sound. Meanwhile I hadn't even gotten to unzip my fly to take a piss. So I decided to take one for the team and leave him in piece with a quick flush, wash and go. I feel sorry for the poor bastard...actually I feel sorry for his ass. We've all been there buddy. We wish you well.

So onto another event that made me mad this morning (btw I really haven't had much to blog about the past couple of days hence the lack in posting...but today 2 events in one day! Jackpot!!) I was in Starbucks getting my morning blast of caffeine (Iced Skim Latte Mocha latta chino w/ triple shot of Turbo (btw I think the best merge of a franchise would be Starbucks and Jamba Juice. People would be flying off the walls!) Anyway, I get an iced latte and a apple fritter (sugar + apples + icey bun = goodness!!) and the total comes out to $5.01. I give the way too peppy this early in the am cashier a $20 and say sorry I don't have any change. Well he preceeds to start to give me my $14 in bills and starts to dig out the 99 cents in change.

I was like wait, are you kidding. He said you don't have anything, a nickel, dime? I thought to myself here's this company that makes millions in dollars each day and he's haggling me over a fucking penny?? Most delis run by foreigners that live and die by every penny would even just chalk up the loss. So I see the plastic cube they have at the register that had about 13 cents in there in pennies and nickels. So I used one of those. I don't care that it's their tip jar. If they are that stuck up for a fucking penny then they deserve to lose a penny tip. Ridiculous. I was on boycott of Starbucks for a long time and recently was sucked back in thanks to concoctions like the Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte and the Gingerbread Latte...but I may have to reconsider my boycott again. Plus all I really buy starbucks for is its supreme use as a Laxative. Although hopefully for my sake it doesn't give me the exploding ass like I heard in the stall this morning. I prefer to keep my colon inside of my body thank you.

Anyway I'm flying to St. Paul today to visit our traveling Road Tour at the Minnesota State Fair. I'm sure I'll have plenty of fun to share...including the latest in Mullet design.

Actually I think the Starbucks is starting to kick in already...forget Jamba Juice...they should merge with Metamusil or ExLax! Actually I wouldn't be surprised if the "Mocha" is really just ground up exlax. I'll have to investigate.

I'm off before I shart myself...

All along I thought it was "Some Puerto Rican Guy"

So with all this fury about John Mark Karr and if he did/didn't kill JonBenet Ramsey it made me think of the South Park episode where Butters' mother tries to kill Butters by driving the car with him in it into a lake and then tells the police "Some Puerto Rican Guy" killed his son after Butters disappears. This was followed by OJ Simpson, the Ramsey Parents and Gary Condit (Chandra Levy "killer") all coming out in the media to blame their accused deaths on "Some Puerto Rican Guy".

If you didn't see the episode it's probably in the top 10 South Park episodes of all time. You can read a great synpopsis of the episode here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butters'_Very_Own_Episode

Anyway, just taking a look at this guy's picture you can tell he's not guilty.
All his "mug shots" all over the papers had like the perfect lighting on his face. His poses were very contrived, almost like he was mugging for the camera (if you haven't seen, just pick up a paper...any paper in the last 2 days and take a look). If not here's one of the photos that ran in today's Post:


This guy seems like he's an out of work actor who's just itching to play the part of JonBenet's killer in the ABC afterschool miniseries about abduction. Plus we know the rule of any killer with three names is definitely innocent. Don't believe me? Well you shouldn't. Although John Wilkes Booth didn't really kill Lincoln...it was another actor playing his part. And James Earl Ray didn't kill MLK (that one is more believable). And Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill JFK. The list goes on and on.

Anyway, this just smells like total B.S. Plus wouldn't this guy wait like 20, 30 years to confess, when he's too old to put in jail so they just put him on house arrest? Maybe that's just me. But I still am willing to bet that 3 years from now, he's starring in the made-for-TV movie of this case.

That's just my two cents. To leave you on a fun note...here's a link to me knocking out Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's PunchOut. Enjoy your weekend!

Skydiving ragdoll

So in the spirit of YouTube and other websites that allow shameless video to be shared w/ the masses, I've decided to join in the fun.

Most of my friends have seen this video of me skydiving over 2 years ago. Especially John and Erica who joined me on that day.

Well in this infamous video, the video editor slowed down the footage just enough to make it look like I was a rag doll. If you have never been skydiving before, they tell you not to look down and to keep your head back as you leave the plane. Well being one not to follow directions I take a look down to see the view.

The rest is pure unintentional comedy as it literally looks like a) I'm gonna puke b) My head is going to snap off. c) I'm a flying stuffed sausage. d) I'm a flying blue condom e) All of the above

The only thing that happened was the puking part came 30 minutes later, but the video result is pretty humorous. I think the best part is my subtle look at the camera right before falling off the plane. I definitely wasn't scared, but it was more of a look like, holy shit, am I really jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet! Am I fuckin insane?

Anyway I guess you have to see the whole video to appreciate...but it's over 3 minutes long and too long to post. So if you haven't seen it, next time you're over just remind me to play it for you.

I hope to have other humorous home video for you soon. In the meantime, here's the skydiving video...enjoy!

Hysterical Newscasts

Ha...so just got this emailed forwarded to me from John. I've never seen these, perhaps some of you have. But absolutely hysterical. Well maybe not for the poor kid who was doing the newscast that day. But hey, I've done it. Maybe not live on network TV, but I've done a newscast at our top-notch TV station at Marist, and did sports without a telepromter. The result was bad, but I fought through it. And laughed. I have the video somewhere, I'll have to vidcap it and post it for a good laugh someday. So I can definitely empathize with what he was going through.

Here's the link to the first video

A few comments about the video:

I love the dead air. You could just hear the producer in the back either laughing his ass off or burying his head in the switcher. Either way the silence on the set speaks volumes about what was going on.

The kid mumbling to himself. He was absolutely panicked. But thinking that you know sports presumably enough to want to be a sportscaster you think you would make shit up. At least try. Anything is worse than dead air.

"And boom goes the dynamite". That apparently is his catch phrase. Love how he pulls it out of his ass desparately.

Here's the link to the second video

This poor guy tries to hang on despite the lack of video cooperating. Again good wholesome family comedy. Although he too stumbles throughout the newscast. But give Ball State University credit for having nice graphics on their set...although we had the same background and fake tree on the set at Marist...so boo to Ball State there :)

More International than I.H.O.P

Firstly I would like to thank all those who have posted comments in the past few weeks. I didn't think too many people read this blog until I started getting comments from across the country and even from our friends across the pond! It's nice to see not all Americans are hated overseas! haha... But your feedback (both positive and negative!) is greatly appreciated. I'm just happy some people find this blog interesting enough to read, even if some of the topics are off-color and "disgusting". But hey, that's just who I am. (Btw, I knew our British friends would appreciate my humor since I was an avid watcher of Monty Python/Benny Hill in my childhood!)

Anyway, had wedding #2 of 6 of the summer this weekend and I'm happy to report that some of my "Ultimate Wedding Songs" made the playlist at the wedding. For those who hadn't seen that post you can view it here. The couple danced to "Amazing" by Lonestar which has fastly become one of the most played songs at any wedding. I jokingly remarked that do you think Lonestar minds that their song has become THE slow song of choice at weddings. I mean do you really think Lonestar can get a gig playing a legitimate rock show, like a Lollapallooza. I think they pretty much regulated themselves to weddings and the prom circuit. Five years from now they'll be booking High School proms and Senior Citizens centers. In fact do they even have another song? Someone will have to fill me in on that.

Also there's a few songs I forgot to mention on my wedding song playlist, like "Celebrate" by Kool & The Gang (although I still contend that "Get Down on It" should be played more). Although everyone knows Celebrate so it's a good song to get people on the floor too. Also Celebrate gets thrown into that 1960s-70s-80s block of "Twist" by Chubby Checkers, "Heart of Rockin Roll" by Huey Lewis & The News and a few other interchangable songs. This block is normally broken up by a slow song no one dances to followed by the DJ scrambling to play something upbeat again to get the floor pumping. Can you tell I've been to over 30 or so wedding so far? Nahh.

Anyway, my other funny observance of the week came in church. Yes church. Those who know me know I'm not the religious type, and being half Jewish/half Catholic I'm sort of the religious mutt anyway. But I went to Sunday mass w/ Bridget and her family in Connecticut. After realizing I knew every word to the "Our father, who art in heaven. Thy kingdome come. Thy will be done..." saying, I started thumbing through the song book. I couldn't believe how many songs were in this book. There was over 980 of them in one book alone!

It got me thinking since churches are also looking for money, they should charge $1 or $2 for someone to "download" their favorite songs to their ChurchPods. Just think if you got to church a little early, instead of forcing awkward conversation with your neighbors (who you don't like much anyway and just pretend to be nice to them at a house of worship), you could plug it into the pew in front of you and start jamming away to all your favorite church hits, like "Glory is Thy Name" and "We Shall Follow Thee". Actually maybe Lonestar can record some of these hits to add some songs to their catalog. (Lonestar-if you're reading, call Los Lonely Boys, they've seemed to have success with the whole Christian Crossover Rock thing - you know that "How Far Is Heaven" song. Which was actually pretty catchy in a 311 - Amber sort of way). I think it could be widly successful. Plus who wouldn't want to have a stirring rendition of Ave Maria on their ChurchPod? Especially for those days you just need a good cry. Just saying Ave Maria puts tears in my ears. No joke. I'd challenge anyone to find a more emotional song when sung correctly. It's almost up there with Whitney Houston's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner during the 1990 Super Bowl when our troops were overseas. Or Roman Tynan's rendition of God Bless America in Yankee Stadium during the World Series games in 2001. Maybe this is a blog topic for another day.

The same ChuchPod could also be transferred to Temple's of course. Number one download would obviously be Hava-Nagila. Followed by that Eloyheynu song where everyone awkwardly claps during the song out of tune. At least in the Reformed temples they do.

Anyway, even though I'm not a practicing Jew or Catholic I think maybe to get more young people into their temples/churches these Church/TemplePods would be a smash hit. I mean at this Church on Sunday there was a 13 year old boy jamming away on the organ. He was really good and looked like a young Buddy Holly. Although let's hope he doesn't turn into a young Liberace! da da dum....Hey yoh. (I hope I don't have to connect the dots for you on that one...but I know it's Monday so in case you didn't follow. Young Boy. In a Church. Playing the Organ. Liberace was gay and played the piano. Enter a priest into the room. You get the picture. If not maybe you should find another blog to read)

Heard in the bathroom

Ok...so today I'm taking a piss (whiz, wizzer, leak, etc if you prefer other terms) and there's a guy in the stall. I think he knows I was there. I hope he did. Anyway I hear some groaning. Which is normal I guess if you're trying to push one out. But then he starts talking to himself. "Ooh, come on...yeah, come on".

Now a) I'm dead serious. I wish I could make this shit up. b) I'm all for providing encouragement when needed, even to your bowels. But mumble to yourself. Don't announce it.

He kept going and talking, and I didn't know if he was rubbing one out or building a tower of lincoln logs at this point. I thought of Austin Powers with the whole who does #2 work for scene. Thankfully I had finished, washed my hands and left the room before I heard anything else.

You've heard me blog about bathroom behavior before, but this one was ridiculous. So next time you're giving yourself encouragement in the big house, make sure no one else could hear you. Thanks.

A man walks into a bar

Is normally the opening to most jokes. Or a variation being a priest, rabbi, etc walking into a bar. Well I'm here to tell you actually saw a man walk into a bar. Ok, it wasn't a bar, but more like a metal arm that closes in a garage entrance.

Bridget & I were walking on the UES on Sunday and I saw a guy walking up a garage ramp. I'm not sure why I kept watching but I'm happy I did. The guy was looking back into the garage as he made his way up the garage ramp to the street. He kept looking back and was getting closer to the arm that was closing before him. Suddenly he walked straight into the bar right as it fully closed and was stopped dead in his tracks. Bridget and I both saw him do this and he saw us see him do that. It was really funny. You just had to be there. He gave a smile and ducked under the arm. We tried not to laugh and were able to hold out for a block or two and just lost it. It's one of those moments I wish I had a camera running.

Anyway, could there be anyway less clutch than Jorge Posada. I'm mean really. He just grounded into a 4-6-3 DP with the bases loaded in the top of the 8th after the Yanks just took a 5-4 lead. After he swung at a shitty pitch and took two wild pitches and then swung at crap. I mean you're talking about a guy that has not one clutch hit to his name in a playoff or any postseason game. Completely overrated. I would trade him for a pound of Goya Rice and Beans. And that would be a steal for me.

Those who know me know my feelings about Posada. If the Yanks end up losing this game I'm sure Posada won't get blamed at all. Because he's the "golden child" and can do no wrong. Same went for Tino "Tina" Martinez. Yanks up 10-0 in the 5th, Tino/Posada hit a grand slam. Yanks down 5-4 in the 7th, they hit into a triple play. And when I go and boo them at the stadium I get daggers shot at me. Well screw you bandwagon whore with the Posada jersey. He sucks.

Post blog addendum
So I told you...Posada hits into that double play. Then Rivera gives up the HR to Konerko to tie the game in the bottom of the 9th. Then of course Jenks comes in and shuts the door because he's unhittable. And in the 11th A-rod can't field a foul ball that was sorta playable - had he looked up instead of running with his back to the ball the whole time. And then of course next pitch is laced into CF by Dye for the game winning hit. Typical Yanks loss...it's been that way since 2001. At least I'm happy Bridget and I have $5 tickets for the rest of the games we're going to...I wouldn't want to pay $50 to see the same shit over and over again. I wish they sucked again so you could go to the game for $10 and not have anyone sit within 30 seats of you. And you could cheer on an aging star like Mattingly while they're getting spanked by the Indians 15-1 in the 3rd inning. Oh well...maybe someday.

Edible animals

So the trip to our annual sales meeting has come and gone. We stayed at the lovely Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz, NY. The hotel is a historic landmark, built back in the 1800's. For those who like Stephen King, the hotel was the basis of his novel "The Shining" (apparently he gained inspiration from staying there). Anyway it had a very surreal feel to it, with the creaky hallways and old rocking chairs that were placed on balconies throughout the hotel and random doors that led to nothing in particular. So needless to say there were plenty of people that had the heebiejeebies in the hotel, especially when the power went out. That would've been the perfect time to play some pranks on the guests. Instead, our room party was interrupted by security because we were being "too loud". Oh well.

Anyway, did some fishing and caught nothing. Well maybe a piece of floating seaweed on a stick. I had a sunfish follow my bait for a bit but he was too small too catch anyway so I let him eat the bait and swim on his merry way. After an hour on the lake fishing in the 100 degree heat I had enough and went golfing instead. Apparently we missed the fishing fun as one of the girls caught three 18" trout minutes later that was nicely fileted and fired up on the grill for dinner.

I unfortunately didn't get to go shooting at the range. The VP of Time4Digital accidently switched laptops with me so after he was already half way home I realized this and he had to come back to switch with me. So unfortunately I missed the shooting festivities. The shooting was at a range in Poughkeepsie, right off the Mid Hudson Bridge...so right down the road from good ole Marist. No wonder why on a quiet day you could hear something like gunshots. All this time I thought that was coming from the ghetto. Who knew.

Anyway, the highlight of the sales meeting was the Wild Game Hors D'oeurves dinner we had cooked for us on Wed night by a James Beard award winning chef. It's hard to explain through type but let me just tell you it was fuckin fantastic. Could barely taste any of the "gameyness" or toughness you get with eating game. All the flavors were blended fantastically. The menu included:

Butternut Squash Ravolis, served over a bed of greenes and heirloom tomatoes

Venison Burgers (mini sliders) served in a mini wicker basket over a bed of Pommes Frites. Awesome. I had 4 of them.

Braised Pheasant served in a sushi-roll type wrap, with wild greens and shaved carrot. Almost tasted like a vegetable dumpling. Pretty good, although too much greens for me.

Smoked Trout served in a martini type glass with arugula leaves and capers. The trout was great, tasted like smoked salmon.

Wild Turkey (not the drink) Pot Pie. Pretty good, especially the cheese crust that was baked on top like you would get with french onion soup.

Bear Empenadas. Yep. Black Bear. In an empanda. Served with a spicy mustard sauce. Pretty good. A little dry, but I guess that's bear.

The best part was our publisher had all of the meat in his freezer from kills that he did. Everything was killed by him but the trout. Pretty crazy what an award winning chef was able to do with it. Felt like I was on the Food Network.

There were some fantastic desserts as well that topped the meal off. I guess you had to be there to appreciate it. Or just take my word for it. It was really, really good. For all I know we could've been eating rat. But man, it's amazing what a really good chef can do.

Nothing else really fun happened. The grounds are very nice and there's no tv in any rooms so it's a place of seclusion. But definitely worth a stay (albeit a pricey one) if you needed a weekend retreat without any of the distractions of the modern world.

Garbage Pail Kids

So in talking to Kristen today (Bridget's BFF from Verizon for those who haven't met) we started talking about Garbage Pail Kids. Well lo and behold, doing a little research, I found the mecca of Garbage Pail Kids collections.

http://www.gpkworld.com has the collection of all of the names on record. Just scroll a little down the main page.

http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/9622/ has a collection of all of the cards! Awesome.

I definitely had every card in the first three series. Easily. Here's some samples based on those who visit this blog frequently (in no particular order - if i missed you it was by accident...i promise :)