Jaws of Life

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph


Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

Attention Holiday Shoppers

Consumers: Be aware of pickpocketers this holiday season.



Employers: Be aware of employees this holiday season.



Funny how I was walking behind this guy the other day with this Loss Prevention jacket and a shopping bag. I mean, call it irony right? Of course I'm sure he was just taking home some merchandise he purchased at the store. But hey, you never know right? But why would he wear that jacket out on the street like that?

Personally I know no one will fuck with my shit this holiday season or in general.

Why?

I have a nice grizzly watching over my stuff:



Try stealing my stapler now bitch. Have a bear bite your hand off. See how that feels.

Finally a bill worth passing!

Firstly...how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it's well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.


A pigeon performing a "shit and run" in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a "pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city's pigeon-related complaints".

Now if the city had any brains at all they'd appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I'd effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I'd unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender's house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I'd lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I'd "humanely execute" all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time....they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I'm the only one with these thoughts? Think again.



Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There's countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the "heros" who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder's proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let's keep the damn pigeon population under control!

"Cult" of Personality



So I'm stealing a line from one of my most favorite songs of all time, Living Colour's Cult of Personality.

Although the cult I'm referring to are the fans that inhabit Darrel Royal Stadium at the University of Texas, Austin.

I was last at a Longhorns game about 5 years ago and was amazed by how every single fan knew every single chant and battle hymn. Coming from a I-AA football school, we were lucky if students remembered when the team was actually at home.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to another Longhorns game this past weekend, as we were down in Austin celebrating Rich's bachelor party. We saw UT take on perennial powerhouse Nebraska, who themselves have been struggling of late.

The hotel we stayed at (the Days Inn University) was packed full of Nebraska fans who made the trip down south. However, not wanting to be the enemies of 80,000 fans that pack into the stadium, we decide to don the home burnt orange and white.


The crew donning the burnt orange and white

We ended up tailgating at Sholz Garten before the game...which was this huge facility with a large backyard picnic type area with hundreds of peeps packed in. They had a large indoor hall with a big screen TV, where diehards were glued to one of the games. Outside they had a few bars with bbq grills. After waiting in line for 20 minutes for a pulled pork sandwich at one of the pits, I grabbed a seat and took a bite. However said pulled pork was kinda cold and very fatty. Definitely not an appetizing snack whatsoever, especially added to the fact I waited 20 minutes to get it.


The disappointing pulled pork at Sholz

Other than that the beer was great (kudos for having Spaten Oktoberfest on draft!) and the atmosphere was pretty kick ass!

(side rant coming: everything in Austin is made to order. Nothing is cooked ahead of time. While this is a nice touch, it adds completely unnecessary delays, especially at a tailgate or even at the game itself. The lines all day were ridiculous, because even soda from the fountain was made to order. They even ran out of hotdogs and pretzels before half time because they didn't keep filling the machines. At Sholz, they made the burgers to order. So they waited for someone to order before throwing it on the grill. Now, when you have a line, of lets say 50 people or so, good planning dictates more than half of them will be getting a burger when it's one of the 5 items you offer up. Dont'cha think you should have a bunch grilling and ready to rock, instead of having people stand there for 20 minutes? I mean I appreciate the "human touch", I really do. But let's talk about efficiencies here people. Think ahead. Prepare. Don't run out of fuckin hotdogs at a football game. Thanks).

Back to football. Even though the team is struggling a bit this season, the fans were rapid from the opening ceremonies. The old PeeWee favorite "The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...Deep in the Heart of Texas" gets the crowd singing along, young and old alike. Not even at a professional football game will you find the crowd as pumped up before the game even starts than you will at UT. Case in point, when the players emerge from the tunnel and head across the field for a pre-game prayer, the fans pray with them.



It's not all that surprising considering that in a state like Texas, football and god go hand-in-hand.








The Longhorns ended up winning the game 28-25. Nebraska actually had a lead in the second half with momentum, but couldn't capitalize on a Interception around midfield as their drive stalled and ultimately UT took advantage of their superior talent in the game.



There's some more stories to share, including how it took us over an hour to get food served to us at two different locations over the weekend...so stay tuned!

Friday video fun

Since I'm probably going to be absolutely buried in work today, won't have much to say.



But our friends at Ration Reality always have something to say! This time they've uncovered some really disturbing commercials courtesy of our friends oversees.

They've uncovered:

* An animated cleaning powder that snorts his white powder cleaning solution, gets high, and crashes to the floor


* A japanese "kiddie beer" commercial that shows families happily drinking this 'non alcoholic' beverage that is supposed to foster future beer drinking among youth


* A japanese milk commercial that looks like it's a play on our old drinking milk commercials where the person drinking milk grows before your eyes. You know the commercials, where the puny kid who drinks milk grows up to be bigger and stronger than the bully who was pushing them around. Well, instead of growing taller, in this commercial the girls boobs grow bigger with each passing sip!


* A Russian (actually Estonian) meat processing commercial that flashes back and forth between the chicken and his meat being ground up.


Fucked up and disturbing? Yes. Mildly amusing and borderline hysterical? You bet!

To view these commercials in all their glory go to:
http://rationreality.com/2007/10/17/foreigners-are-weird-bizarre-commercials-vol-1

Thanks again for uncovering those gang, made my day!

Also, one last thing to share. I'm sitting across from this guy on the subway last night who was slightly tripped out on something. He had a shiteating grin on his face and his eyes kept rolling into the back of his head.



I couldn't decide who he reminded me more of, David Koresh,


or Bruce Vilanch.


Tough call...opinions anyone?

Move Bitch, Get out the way

Today's post is dedicated to all of those assholes who get in the way.

Like the guy who was arrested a few years back for blocking traffic on the sidewalk.

The pedestrian in question, Matthew Jones, "was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest -- by flailing his arms-- on June 12, 2004. Police said other people "had to walk around" him, and he wouldn't move when asked." He is currently appealing his arrest.

Well I'm glad he went to the slammer. Had he followed the proper rules of pedestrian engagement and wasn't a douchebag maybe he would have avoided getting a plunger stuck up his ass.

Next up is this fat ass who got in the way of a sixty-nine:



Good job 55. Fuckin fat ass. All I wanted was a picture of a 6-9 and you ruined it. Don't you know there's only two people in a sixty-nine...unless you're in a Utah porn or something (btw, someone got to my blog recently by searching for Utah porn. Not sure why Utah porn is so special. Maybe it's because of all the mormons. hmm...)

Another guy who needs to go the fuck home is this guy:



"The protest was not without its superfans. Joaquin Ferreira, 54, of Brooklyn, arrived decked out in a Yankees hat and jacket. A fan for 10 years, he said, “I’m here to support Joe Torre. If Joe leaves, the Yankees will go to hell.”

Wait a minute...Superfan? 10 years?? Are you fucking kidding me?!? So let's see...hmm...10 years ago was 1997. Oh WAIT, that was ONE year AFTER the Yankees won the World Series. OH so that qualifies him as a superfan??? That Bandwagon jumping muthafucka? Un real. So he's been a fan just as long as Joe Torre has been a manager with the team. Nice. Good intelligent writing AM New York. Oh and look, the person who wrote the article is a Newsday writer. The pinaccle of sports journalism. What a joke. Calling him a super fan is like calling boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ funny. (LK- there you go, I took a shot at her. Third in the voting for funniest blog my ass.)

Another person who needs to get out of the way is this asshole that had a sign that said "Cowboys Bound 4 Superbowl".



Good job genius. Hope some Patriot fans shoved that up your ass after the game. Moron. Why don't you wait until we've actually made the playoffs before declaring a trip to the Superbowl. Oh, wait...you must be a "superfan" too like the douche above. Let me guess, you started being a Cowboys fan in '93? And no true fan goes to the game with a sign that calls out the network that's calling the game. Fuck face.

Oh and btw...why that girl was announcing to the world that she's a Homo Sexual is beyond me. I mean she's cute and all and some chick would be lucky to have her as a partner. But seriously, honey, saying you're a homo sexual with a big sign is probably not the best way to get on TV.

So you need to be naked to be famous these days



So I just heard about this (am I the fuckin last to know? Guess that's what I get for not reading the Post!).

Apparently last Friday some ad agency worker had a meltdown and walked around the streets of Manhattan naked:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/10132007/news/regionalnews/nude_nut_had_bad_bare_day.htm





According to the article, Josh Drimmer, 26, "temporarily lost his senses and that he was just having a really bad day...It was an extreme panic attack brought on by days of not sleeping. I had a bad day."

Now, I've worked my fair share of bad days in agency land but never took to the streets naked as a result. I may have done some swearing and maybe even broken a pencil or two (don't tell!) but that's gotta be some kinda meltdown to go to Times Square in the nude.

Unless he was just trying to show up the Naked Cowboy.



But apparently this may not have been Mr. Drimmer's first nude appearance in public. According to the article, Drimmer, a Yale graduate, was in a group called the "Pundits" where there were naked parties with party goers hanging out in the nude.

Mr. Drimmer is also a fellow blogger. He writes a blog, "Excellence Makes Wack Irrelevant" which he classifies as "some jottings, findings, and sharp darts thrown by Josh Drimmer, playwright, pontificator, patriot."

Although he hasn't updated his blog in quite some time so needless to say he's "petered out" on the whole blogging experience? Hey-oh! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here till Friday, try the veal.

Anyway, this guy is now a mega celebrity. He even caught the eye of this police officer who apparently thinks he's a "detective":


Notice the officer on the left "inspecting" the package

Easy there officer. If you stare at it too long it'll make you go blind. Or is that what they say about masterbating too much? Can't remember.

Anyway, am I jealous at his new found fame? Sure. But until I get into "nudity baring" shape I promise I'll spare my fellow New Yorkers of me running around in the buff. Unless I need the publicity of course. Cause then I can just chalk it up to a bad day.

I leave you, Mr. Drimmer, with some words to live by:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

GoogleZon

Sorry guys, been a crazy work day today. That and I'm off to Dallas for the weekend to watch my beloved Cowboys try to hang in there vs the Patriots.

But some "quickies" to share before I depart (and not of the sexual kind unfortunately).

First, on the train this morning I'm standing against the door. I'm wearing a green t-shirt and off-white cargo shorts (yes shorts...it's still in the 50s/60s which is still shorts weather in my book. Keep looking at me like I'm a freak there assholes). Anyway this blond chick gets on the subways wearing the same color combination as me! She's wearing a similarly colored green top and white pants! Not only that but the bitch has the audacity to stand right next to me! Unreal.

So now we're standing there like two dofusses dressed alike.



THANK GOD she got off in just two stops. I mean really...who the fuck wears white pants after labor day? Com'on now!

Speaking of unreal and outfits. This lady sitting across from me on the train the other night had on one of those straw hats.

Everytime she moved her head, she'd poke one of the straws into the guy or the lady sitting next to her. They were getting so pissed. Who the fuck wears a hat like that on the subway (well unless you want space of course). I was trying not to laugh so I just calmly whipped it out and took a picture.



If I were sitting next to her though I probably wouldn't have been laughing. Nothing like getting poked in the eye with some straw to start your evening commute home!

Anyway saw an article today that General Electric is looking to part ways with NBC. According to the article in MediaPost Publications by Wayne Friedman, "GE will consider an NBC sale after the network airs the Beijing Olympics next year...
Who would buy? Surely the usual suspects, like Time Warner, have been bandied about, since it's a large media company without a full-fledged broadcast network -- just one-half of one, the CW. Previously, Time Warner wholly owned the WB. But consider other bigger, perhaps more unusual players. There's Google, Microsoft, Facebook, or some other new contraption of a media company looking to put a new spin on an old -- but still promising -- entertainment platform. This would make sense. While those new Internet/tech companies always get the buzz, they really aren't ready to delve into the tricky world of TV program - or content -- development. Yahoo tried to go that route and didn't get very far. Even for a company like Google, which seems to grow larger and larger by promising advertising networks and marketing solutions to smaller and smaller companies, NBC - or for that matter any network -- is still an attractive option because those old entertainment companies can still get big mass audiences with one hit show."

Now this is exactly what I've been telling anyone who listens to the shit that pours out of my mouth. Google is looking to take over the world.

If you haven't seen this video piece from the Center of Media Research you should. It talks about Google merging with Amazon to create "GoogleZon" which would basically control all the custom content you read and receive. It also talks about the New York Times eventually trying to sue Google and losing, leaving Google as the only powerhouse left in the media world.

Click here to view the video.

It may not be all true...but definitely interesting, especially given Google's desire to snap up everything in it's power.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

GO COWBOYS! You can do it!

Let the "War" Begin



So this weekend is Yankees vs Red Sox. While I'm trying to not play too much into the importance of the series for the Yanks playoff hopes, my Boston friends have fired the first shot in the war.

Good ole 'Thos' knows for years how I was complaining Posada never came through in the clutch. Things seem to turn around last May when he got his bell rung by Mark Texeira on a collision at home plate...but postseason wise he hasn't been the most clutch of players.

Realizing this and seeing how popular he is as a player, Boston fans have taken the insult to a higher level (as usual) with their latest t-shirt:



This of course isn't the only disparaging shirt Sawx fans have resorted to recently.



Yankees fans, even for all their crassness at times haven't been able to respond with crude shirts of their own. Why? Well those types of shirts are banned at Yankee Stadium. Yep, for those who forgot they passed that "decency act" at baseball games, so no more insulting tshirts or signs could be brought into the stadium. Nothing like stripping the one thing born and bred new yorkers have ingrained in them from childbirth - the insult.


Shirts like these are now banned in Yankee Stadium

So Yankees have mostly answered with their "Got Rings?" line of shirts touting the overwhelming number of championships the Yankees have won compared to their Boston foes.



Regardless, the series this weekend will be a war. A bloodbath. The Sox haven't won the AL East since 1995, with the Yankees finishing in first every single year since then. While the Sox have a nice 5 game lead over the Yanks, Sox fans won't rest assured until they win a few more from the Yankees. A Yankees sweep would be a heartbreaking ordeal for Sox fans this weekend, even though they still would be a few games above the Yanks in first.

Anyway, more importantly today is the big Cannoli eating competition down in Little Italy.

Those who know me know I'm a cannoli addict. It's my single most favorite dessert of all time. I could eat them by the dozens. While I'm far off from competing at the lighting speed as the IFOCE eaters do...I'll be keeping my eye open for the results.

My boy Crazy Legs is vying for the title (I saw him "warming" up on the news this am, eating 3 cannolis in 45 seconds). The world record is 26 cannolis in 6 minutes, which is shared by Cookie Jarvis (2005) and Tim "Eater X" Janus (2006).



Good luck to all the competitors today...the next round of milk is on me!

Ridin with the 'po-po'

So last night was pretty adventurous. My "good citizenship" kicked in again as I was witness to a "small time crime" last night next to my apt. Earlier in the evening Tegdirb (perhaps best nickname ever?) saw a few 'utes' break into a construction site across the street. I had debated alerting the proper authorities but held off since they just appeared to be horsin' around in the site. Well an hour or so later I looked outside again and said 'utes' had taken a "long metal instrument used to climb" and were in the process of chucking it over the wall of the construction site (notice i'm not using real names for the crime and product should certain utes discover google and discover my blog and thus discover my identity - you figure out the rest. After all, I survived the first four slugs in my chest while ridin w/ Pac in Vegas...don't need any matchin scars.)

Anyway I figured it was time to alert the authorities and after calling Tres-Uno-Uno I was told that this WAS in fact an emergency and was patched to Nueve-Uno-Uno where I told the dispatcher about the illegal activity transforming in front of my eyes.

After giving a description of location a few minutes later I received a call back asking to confirm location. A minute or two after that another call asking for updates. And then a few minutes later I was asked to come downstairs to "take a visual".

After meeting the po-po outside I walked with them round the corner to where several utes were being questioned (per my original description). I glanced over unassumingly and squinted to see them. The clothing "fit the bill" but I couldn't make a positive facial ID. I mean then again it was 9:30 at night and I was seeing the action from a good 75 feet away. So a little hard to make out facial identification. I informed the officers that I couldn't make a positive facial ID but the build/clothing fit. We took a walk to the break in area and I identified where the large metal climbing apparatus was taken too and where the utes might have stashed it.

I gave a few more statements and then was told to hop in the car for a ride back to my apt. I climbed in the back seat and holy shit...let me tell you, for those who haven't been in the back of a copcar there's NO leg room back there. None. I barely could squeeze my legs in and I'm not even that tall. Anyone over 6'2" would basically have to be a contortionist to fit into the back of a squad car. I guess they make the experience as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway not sure what they did with said utes but I felt like I did my civic duties. Most people (actually all people) in my neighborhood wouldn't say dick because they don't give a shit. But I figured that a) the construction company would want to know their property was being damaged b) lets teach these utes a lesson by letting them know someone is always watching them. The whole experience made me feel like I was on the set of CSI: NY or NYPD Blue or Homicide: Life on the Street (BEST cop drama ever in my humble opinion) or any other NYC crime type show. I always thought I'd make a good cop...although I'd prefer to be a undercover or "rogue civilian" cop, catching civilians engaging in acts of "petty" crimes (you know this from my Rules of Pedestrian Engagement article from back in the days).

Speaking of police officers...apparently this one got sick on a salty burger.. I mean, we all know McDonald's burgers are pretty flavorless on their own (hence why we douce them in ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, etc). But getting one that had a ton of salt on it would probably taste like shit (It is shit, austin).



I agree with the quote in the article that said the cop should've thrown out the burger on first bite. But hey, a hungry cop is a hungry cop! Just good thing it wasn't a donut that had a certain "sugar-like substance" spilled on it. Last thing we need are officers sniffing their uniforms to get them some more of the "powderly sugar" goodness. Of course I'm talking about the innocent white powdered sugar. I would never insinuate that an officer of the law would snort some coke off their uniforms. In any case I'm sure his salty burger tasted a hell of a lot better than the rubbery egg & cheese I had from Starbucks this am.



And that was after waiting for 20 minutes (no joke) for a grande Vanilla Latte and said egg sandwich. All I really wanted was the Latte to help my digestive system perform its magic this am (TMI?) but I threw the rubbery egg sandwich in there as well. My question is why would you microwave an egg and cheese? Why wouldn't you just get a toaster oven and toast it? At least then the english muffin wouldn't become rubbery in the microwave, it would be nice and crispy. Same with the bacon. And the egg would heat just the same in the toaster as it would in the microwave. Am I making sense here or is that just too much common sense? I'm a man who knows my egg sandwiches (was a short-order cook in a bagel shop for a few months) so needless to say it's very disappointing when something simple like an egg and cheese gets so fucked up.

Anyway the real picture I should have taken this morning was on the subway. I was sitting across from a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug. Seriously, that's probably the best descriptor for her. And the women was probably in her 50s/60s at best. Her skin was so weathered and wrinkingly and her face was compressed like a pug's is. It was quite fascinating actually. I was so tempted to whip it out and take a picture of her/it (talkin about whippin out my cell phone of course). I wish I could of but then too many people got on and stood in my way.

If she wore a blonde wig and wore a white dress she may have looked something like this (only darker):

Return of the "Mac"

Ok, so technically it's not return of 'the' Mac, but when I saw that the folks at Commodore are itching for a comeback, the Mark Morrison "Return of the Mac" song popped into my head.

Apparently Commodore is "resurrecting" itself in hopes to jump back into the PC gaming market.

http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/business/scn-sa-eyeonbiz1sep05,0,2648046.story?track=rss

Personally I hope they stay as low end as possible with their graphics. I know I'd much rather play some old school Dr. J vs Larry Bird then play some futuristic crap game like Halo.


It's hard to top the graphics and game play of Dr. J vs Larry Bird for the Commodore

That and they should go old school with their computer processors too. I'm really sick of new age Windows crashing every other day or other problems that happen with our PC's these days.

---
Side note: speaking of crashes. I saw this nasty accident the other day. Happened and unfolded right in front of my eyes. Traffic was stopped at a green light as a Firetruck was approaching the intersection with its lights on and sirens blaring. Everyone was still so the firetruck proceeded through the intersection. Suddenly this Escalade decides to make a dash for it and ends up getting T-boned by the fire truck that was accelerating. The Escalade did a few 360s and smashed into a telephone pole, with one of its tires ending up down the street. I took some pics of the carnage:





The driver of the firetruck suffered minor injuries as did the drive of the Escalade. As one of the few eyewitnesses I stayed behind and gave my testimony of the accident. It was pretty crazy to watch the whole thing unfold. The driver of the Escalade was a 21 year old, and had just got the car last week. Apparently he was on his cell phone and wasn't paying attention.
---

Anyway, back in the olden days, the worst thing that could happen to you was your floppy disk broke. Otherwise, the computer was your canvas, and you could run scripts and draw designs at will (who could forget the old Turtle drawer or the old number formatting system. I spent hours as a child playing around with the old Turtle Logo drawer).



I'm probably the only one who longs for the olden days of video games. Then again you're talking about a guy who would rather plug in his Nintendo rather than an XBox360.

More to come later...including why everyone is telling me they love my giant 'peter'.

Just grin and "bear" it




There's a bit of a crisis in Lake Tahoe these days. It seems that global warming has taken some winter jobs away from the ever present black bear population which have caused the bears to have to resort to other means to get their yearly income. Some bears have joined the lucrative real estate market, others have found employment in casinos. Yet the ones that were previously employed as ski instructors or ski resort lift line workers, have had problems regaining employment in the area.


This lucky bear found employment as a Pepsi taste tester


Jack, 3, was able to find employment as a garbage man


Benny, 7, is now a drive thru banking teller

Some bears have been forced to give up their homes and are basically wandering the area homeless, unable to afford the rising rents in their dens anymore. These bears have resorted to a life of petty larceny, breaking into other bear and human residences in order to grab some "bare" essentials, such as food and water. Other, craving the luxury of their former homes, have treated themselves to romps through strangers hot tubs and have even used the bathrooms in the houses they're breaking into.


Bears in Lake Tahoe have been slowly forced out of their homes, causing them to use neighbors hot tubs for relaxation

Some of the bears have been messy, leaving behind a trail of damage after their romps through the houses. "They went into my sisters room and pooper on her bed" said Danielle Hyde.


The scene after a renegade bear left his neighbor's kitchen in shambles

Other bears have more been neat and courteous. "I chased a bear out of my living room. He'd been eating Chocolate Kisses. I found 15 wrappers on the floor - just wrappers, no chocolate mess. He was much neater than my own kids ever were" said Gloria Bourke. Another homeowner said "...he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of Java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn" said Tower Snow, Jr.

Regardless of the aftermath, the residents of Lake Tahoe will need to live with their new inhabitants as these bears search for a better means and more gainful employment.

(Note: this above story is based "loosely" on an article that appeared in People magazine. The photos and quotes are real...the story is a slight twist of the truth. All bears gave their approval to use their name and likeness in this story.)