Friday, June 29, 2007

I Love L.A.

So quotheth 2Pac. Not because of the weather. Or the girls. Or the West Coast rap game. Solely because of the Clippers.

The L.A. Clippers.

The beloved perennial losers. The team that turned the franchise around by drafting Peekskill NY product Elton Brand (who I got to see play and meet numerous times when his H.S. team played at Marist).

Why do I love the Clippers now? Cause they drafted Jared Jordan. A 6'1" point guard that played for Marist (my beloved alum).

The little guy that most people said was too small, lacked athleticism, lacked size. The same little guy that was voted MVP of the Greater Hartford Pro Am last year and who wowed NBA scouts all summer.

If you were watching the NBA Draft last night you'll notice that commentator Jay Bilas never had Jared on his "Best Available" picks. He had guys like Ramon Sessions. Tareuan Green. Some guards from Venus and Jupiter. But nary a mention of Jordan.

Of course, ESPN was at a 5 minute commercial break when it was the Clippers turn to pick. I looked up from packing away for the weekend to see "Current Selection: Jared Jordan" followed by more commercials.

They came back from break and did one of those "while you were gone, here are the losers who got drafted" sort of deals. And yes, they showed a few clips of Jordan and follow with more criticism about his size and praise about being the best "pure point guard" in the draft.

But you fucking deprived me of what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear his name called. To have that "oh shit, I can't believe he just got drafted moment". Nope...I had to watch it on a fuckin scroll that I was just fortunate to catch at the right moment.

I don't even know if the crowd booed. Or cheered. Or was impartial. Even Jared Jordan himself was deprived of the experience of hearing his own name called.

http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070629/SPORTS0401/706290322

What if he went to take a piss? Or go open another bag of Doritos? He wouldn't have even seen that he had been drafted until 5 minutes after it happened.

So a big FUCK YOU to ESPN for not only depriving Jared Jordan himself, but the rest of the Marist students and alumni at probably one of few times (since it's only happened once before - Rik Smits) we'll get to hear "The so-and-so select (insert player name) from Marist College." Thanks alot for depriving that us ESPN. I hope that fuckin commercial, whatever it was, helped pay your bills this month. I'm so glad you were airing live when these players from Spain and god knows where else were getting drafted considering those foreign players won't even be playing in the fucking league next year thanks to current contracts with their current teams. Because we all had a rooting interest in Giorgio whatshisface from Kazakastan. Way not to show the little guy from the small school getting drafted. You fuckin pricks. Also eat shit Jay Bilas. Shows how much you fucking know. Half of your "best available" list didn't even end up getting drafted. Why don't you do your homework next time and not eat crow on the air.

Anyway, congrats Clippers fans. You'll get to see a player who'll give 100% each and every night on the court (btw...love that Stephen A. Smith said the Knicks were trying to trade down to get Jordan...yeah, I'm sure they were. Because another guard was exactly what they needed. Assholes). Hopefully when the Clippers come to town they'll destroy the Knicks. And I can laugh as I watch Jordan dish assist after assist to Brand. And laugh when the crowd turns on the Knicks and cheers for the little guy that could.

Anyway...off for the weekend! Enjoy everyone!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Books of Enrichment

Before I lead you to some reading material that will undoubtedly enrich your mind (and other body parts), I'm taking the elevator up to work this am and these two white guys get on. They start talking about Kobayashi and how he can't compete because of his hurt jaw. They called him a pussy and said what did he, pull his ACL or something.

Listen jackass. A competitive eater kinda needs his/her jaw to compete, don'cha think? So it is like pulling an ACL. Why don't you think before you speak you fuckin moron. You know what, let me punch you in the jaw a few times and let me see how good you do trying to eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Asshole.

Anyway, saw this list of recommended reading material (ok maybe it wasn't as much recommended as it was listed) over at RationReality.com. Pretty good stuff. This list of books include:

White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners


White Trash Etiquette contains everything you need to know to live like decent trash, including:

• The proper way to fake a back injury
• How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions
• The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities
• How to improve your drunk-driving skills
• Sound advice on everything from lying to your boss to making your next convenience-store robbery fun for the whole family

There’s also troubleshooting for troublemakers:

• I'm getting married; can I still wear white if I'm a tramp?
• Can chicks ever really respect an accountant?
• How do I pick a good bail bondsman?
• How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant?

The Art of Auto-fellatio: Oral Sex for One


The ultimate in safe sex -- self-performed oral pleasure at any hour of the day! If you've ever dreamed about this practice, this book can make your fantasy a reality. Packed with photos, advice, stories and training tips by men who know what they're doing!

Forgive the hype: this is also a serious examination of the history (through a variety of reports) and application of self-performed oral sex. It's both a fascinating examination of social perceptions and cultural mores, and a guide to specifics.

Other notable books on the list include:
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide
Forensics for Dummies

Good stuff! And you can buy all these books on Amazon.com! Although the whole "Art of Auto-Fellatio thing" i'm not so sure about. I lack the inner-core strength needed to bend completely over. Plus I'm not too sure about giving myself "fellatio". I kinda think Rosie Palm and her five friends would get a little jealous. Although maybe if I got really really drunk one night and my hands fell asleep or weren't working right then I'd consider trying to go down on myself if I needed to fulfill an urge.

Wait. WHAT AM I SAYING??? I know there's that saying oh, if you could give yourself a blow job you'd never need a girl or never leave the house or something to that effect. But when you think about it would you really do it? I mean, then you have to worry about choking on your own pubes. What happens when it's time to cum??? Do you let it fly or do you swallow? Didn't think about that one did you? And what happens when you get into a fight with yourself? Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore? If someone tells you to go "suck a dick" would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?

Yeah...so needless to say I won't be sucking my own dick until these questions are answered. If someone buys the book feel free to let me know if any of those questions are addressed please. Enquiring minds want to know!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Just a dab of butter

Before I get into today's "slippery slope", gotta comment about Burger King real quick. I haven't been there in a while but saw a few people walking around with these black bags around 5th ave and 33rd. Then I remembered that Burger King was having Sean Combs (Puffy) redesign their bags. That and Whopper Jr.'s are only a $1 right now! Even in Manhattan! Crazy. So that was enough reason for me to enter and leave with said black bag containing a Whopper Jr, onion rings and a pink lemonade.



I felt this coolness walking down the street with my BK in tow. Wasn't your typical white plastic bag. Nor your easily identifyable white logoed Wendy's or McDonald's bag. Nope. This bag is black. Cool. Hip. Everything about it says coolness, complete with the tempting food collage on the outside. Even if the contents of the bag are enough to clog your arteries for a few hours, I can happily say that for once I felt like the BK bag was sufficent enough to act as a fashion accessory. If I was only rockin some aviator sunglasses I would have been the epitomy of off da hook.

Ok...not really. But the bag is fuckin cool, ok? And $1 Whopper Jr.'s? You need any more incentive to check out the BK these days? I think not.

Anyhoo...onto today topic of butter. Butter has a fondness in my heart thanks to Julia Child and her "just add a stick of butter to any dish" routine that just gets me everytime. Well Julia had a sense of humor in her day, so she certainly would appreciate this video in which a guy gets revenge at his annoying roommate thanks to some well placed butter (thanks to Laurie Kendrick for posting the video that made me laugh over and over again yesterday). Click the pic to view the video.



I love at the end of the video when the roommate is like: "You fucking asshole...I'm gonna kill you!". Good stuff. If only we knew about that in college we could have had some fun with that one!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

$11 for lunch?

So I was thoroughly disgusted after buying lunch today. Instead of going to the grocery store like I planned to go by cold cuts and a loaf of bread to make sandwiches the rest of the week (the cost effective and sensible thing to do), I had too much to do this am so I just picked up lunch at the good ole Silo Cafe. You'll know thanks to previous posts that this place is hoping...in fact, there's about 100 people in there at one time during the lunching hours. They're making money hand over fist without a doubt.

Anyway, I ordered a Roast Beef sandwich on whole wheat bread, with Muenster cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and hot peppers. You'd think that'd cost $5-$6 bucks maybe. Nope...$7.25. $7.25 for a sandwich on regular bread. Not even a fucking hero. That's absurd. Throw in the small bag of pretzals and the Honest-T, and lunch cost me $11 and change!


The $11 lunch

Fucking absurd. Really. They fucking price gauge you there like a bitch. Not the first time I complained about that either. I think I'm done with them for a while. Yes, their food is generally good and the choices are varied. But you know what, if they are gonna charge $7.25 for a fuckin sandwich I'm going elsewhere.

Serves me right I guess for not going to the store and bringing my own lunch. But that's the price you pay when you're a slave to the vast culinary wasteland of Midtown.

Speaking of Midtown and culinary wasteland...for those who haven't heard of the site before, MidtownLunch.com is a great review of all the affordable places to eat lunch in Midtown. Site owner and reviewer Zach Brooks and his site has been featured in numerous news articles and online features in the past year or so. And today, I had the priviledge of having my very own profile placed on the site. Cool stuff.

Check it out on MidtownLunch.com


I'm hoping to work with Zach on my "super secret" project coming out later this year so stay tuned!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Wide World of Search

So occasionally I like to peer behind the scenes and see what articles are generating the most traffic on my blog. Thanks to some nifty Wordpress tools, I can see not only track which posts are read most often, but I can also see what search engine terms people use to find my blog (I don’t know who is visiting my blog but in some instances I’d rather not know – as you’ll see in a bit). I know most of you are regular readers out there, but there’s a good chunk of visitors that stumble upon What Pushes My Buttons randomly thanks to search engines like Google and Yahoo.

You would think most people would find WPMB by searching for terms included in my more popular posts, like the best songs to sing in the shower and pedestrian violations. A lot of people find my blog by searching for “fattening foods” or high sodium foods, which takes them to my posting on “If the food is so bad for you then why are there no fat Chinese people.” Others may find me through my often random references, like my commentary on the WWF Ice Cream Bar, Rachel Ray or the hookers in hunts point featured on HBO.

However I do get some visitors thanks for random search terms. How they get to WPMB I don’t know, but here are some of the funnier (or disturbing) search terms used that ultimately led to my blog, with my comments added in:

Search terms: Funny boss killing games, Killing someone with your pinky, Killing game with saw

Yes there are such people out there that search for these things. Disturbing? Maybe. But they ultimately got my blog through the Time “Killing” Game of the Day post.

Search terms: getting teabagged pictures, naked gyms, naked workouts.

Obviously some people like working out in the nude…but looking for pictures of people getting teabagged? Yeah…no comment. They got to WPMB through the Do you work out in the nude posting

Search terms: Ass explosion, shit on a seat.

This is getting more and more disturbing by the second. Although I can see why they found us, especially with posts like That ain’t right

Search term: hasidic hookers.

Why someone would search for a Hasidic hooker is beyond me. Don’t even know where to look for that reference.

Search term: Cock.

Yep…cock. How they came here looking for cock I don’t know (or why they are looking for cock in the first place). But that pretty much takes the cake.

Anyway, I had an interesting weekend in the Catskills “fishing” – if you can call what I did fishing…I’ll have that story for you shortly.

Friday, June 22, 2007

“Disturb”ia

Erica Reiner (soon to be Williams) sent me this link yesterday and she said she was too disturbed to look at it.

The website is: http://www.fat-man.org

Of course nothing is too disturbing for me so I took a gander. Egads! Here’s what the guy says on his site:

Hello, and welcome to my website. My name is Chris but you can refer to me as Fat Man! This site is designed to showcase my supreme fatness. Below are videos you can watch showcasing my supreme fatness! Enjoy



I’m disturbed in the fact that I share the same name as "Fat Man". But anyone who says they "showcase their supreme fatness" is ok in my book.

To avoid grossing some of you out I won’t post the videos here. Although here are some of the captions of his videos so you get a feel of what you’re in for:

Here is a video of me improving my supreme fatness by eating chips and drinking beer!

Here is a video of me eating 10 hot dogs in just a few minutes!

Here is a video of me eating a pack of cookies even though I have diabetes!

Here is a video of me eating 9 delicious Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts!

In this video I store some Hot Pockets underneath my breast for later consumption!

Ok ok...that’s enough. You know what...I can’t resist.

Here’s the Hot Pockets video:



And here’s the hot dog video:



I was expecting Harry Carey to come into the room and say "hey,if you were a hot dog and you were starving would you eat yourself?"



Although in Fat Man's case you know the answer would definitely be a resounding Marv Albert Yes!

But this kid is definitely disturbed. You can tell by watching the videos. I started out by laughing but then became just plain frightened for him. Especially eating all these sweets when he has diabetes. I love the fact that he’s like "watch me drink soda and eat cookies even though I’m about to drop dead due to diabetes". That’s like David Blaine or Criss Angel saying "watch me fall from the Empire State Building, hurdling to the ground below without a harness!" One of the comments on YouTube was "I think he’s dead cause he hasn’t posted a new video in weeks". Yikes!

I hope you’re still alive Fat Man. Because you’re an inspiration to us all!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Drunk Monkeys

Yep...the title sort of says it all.



Funny that this appeared on Animal Planet...although must have been in their "adult primate" block...you know that riske programming they air from 2-3am when people have stopped searching for softcore porn on skinamax and stumble across "those chance for animal porn" channels like Animal Planet and Discovery Channel. Nothing like seeing 2 horses mounting each other to get you in the mood to bust out the KY and roll of paper towels!

For Real?

So get this...a New Zealand couple has been barred from calling their newborn son: "4real".

Yes, they actually want to name their child "4real".

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070621/ap_on_fe_st/odd_new_zealand_baby_name

I mean...why not name their child 4real? There's tons of famous people with numbers in their name. I mean look how famous 2Pac became! What about that guy 50cent? He's done pretty well for himself. So why not 4real?

According to the article, the couple was told by New Zealand's Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages, that "names beginning with a number were against the rules".

Against the rules? What rules would those be? Those rules that "society" imposed on us. Is there some sort of naming law out there we don't know about? Does everyone need to be named "Bob" or "Jim" or "Mary"?

The Registry further states that the "rules are designed to prevent names that are likely to cause offense to a reasonable person".

Yes because 4real is sooooooo offensive. Wait your name is 4real? Fuck you, you heartless bastard. Why don't you just die!

At least 4real is easy to pronounce, unlike the names of some other people from other countries, like Madagascar.

Plus this kid could have all sorts of nicknames. Like "foe"...or "real"...or "four". At least they weren't thinking of naming him something like Oswipe. Or Dick (no offense to those Richard's or Dick's out there of course).

I think this just opened the door for all sorts of possibilities. It wasn't too long ago that there was a big hubbub over that couple that wanted a corporate sponsor for their baby's name.

In fact if I ever decide to populate this world with a child (heathen) then I may just throw out the naming book and be inventive.

How bout naming my child "4shizzle"? Or "2badtobegood". Or "1+1=getoutofmyfacemothafucka".

The possibilities are endless!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Out of it

I'm completely out of it. Once again I blame the humidity. This morning walking over to the train we passed this pimped out yellow Corvette. I barely even noticed it when Bridget said "that's hysterical". As I walked by I noticed that emblazened on the windshield in graffiti type lettering it said "Mr. Cock". After twenty steps or so Bridget was like "You're not gonna take a picture of that?" The thought hadn't even occurred to me. Maybe I was still sleeping. But seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I should have been all over that this am. Like, that writing was kind of big, maybe he's a BIG Cock. Or maybe he should change his name to Mr. Blank A Doodle Doo. But nothing.

But I'm not the only one struggling this morning. Most people couldn't even make it up the subway stairs at 33rd street. Everyone is moving in slow motion. I swear I almost had to pick the guy up in front of me and carry him up the stairs. You know people are struggling when the line at Starbucks is 3 times as long as it normally is. I went to get an Iced Latte in hopes it would jolt me, but the line was ridiculous. At least 50 people long. Fuck that. I went and got Naked instead.



Yes...with "a pound of fruit in every bottle" who needs coffee? With heart healthy omega-3's and over 1,000 mg of potassium i'm rejuvenated and ready to roll. It also contains 570 mg of something called Red Algae in it. Actually on the side of the bottle they refer to it as "red sea algae".

I did some research and lo and behold "Red algae is marketed to treat candida, herpes simplex virus and other chronic ailments". It's also the same algae that helps make the Red Sea red. Huh. Who knew.


Is this a worker from Naked collecting red sea algae?

But I'm glad that by drinking the stuff I'll be reducing my risks of genital herpes and yeast infections. Cause lord knows there's nothing worse than a yeast infection. Can't have that bitter beer taste in your mouth.

Ok...wait...so that came out completely wrong. I was trying to make a joke about beer and the yeast in it and how if you drink bad beer you could get a "yeast infection". But y'all are gonna think I was talking about performing oral on a girl that has a yeast infection and that would give you a bitter taste in your mouth.

Ok...on that note...I think I'm gonna lay low for a while. I'll be back once everyone is done throwing up all over their keyboard.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Light my fire

Obviously this girl was listening to the Doors when she went to remove the gas pump from her car:



Didn't she hear about that whole static electricity thing urban myth and how you're not supposed to get in your car and then out of your car and remove the gas nozzle?

She's definitely very lucky the car didn't explode on her. Although I love how after she put the fire out she ran away. I wonder if they'll charge her for the extra gas she "burned".

Speaking of fire...I'm sure you've all seen this video a hundred times, but I know a few of you haven't yet. It's of a car crashing into a toll booth down in New Jersey.



Obviously the guy didn't make it.

Not sure what's with my mood today. Maybe because it's upper 80s outside and a good beach day and I'm stuck working. Maybe cause it's only Tuesday and still have a full week of work ahead. All I feel like doing right now is heading to the beach with a case of Corona's and getting "toasted" (both by the sun and by the alcohol). At this point I'll even take the syringe-infused waters off Coney Island! But I guess I can just peer outside the window and daydream.

Monday, June 18, 2007

What a "Pant-load"!

Chalk this one up to the ole Jay Leno "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?". It seems that a judge in Washington D.C. is suing a dry cleaners for losing a pair of his pants.

The suit is for $54 million dollars!

Yes...a judge is suing a dry cleaners for $54 million. You read that right.

The $54 million breaks down as follows:

The judge believes he is entitled to $1,500 for each day during which the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign and another sign promising "Same Day Service" was up in the store -- more than 1,200 days since he's had his prized pants (he's also multiplying each violation by three because he's suing the husband and wife owners and their son.)

He also wants $500,000 in emotional damages and $542,500 in legal fees, even though he is representing himself in court.

He wants $15,000 for 10 years' worth of weekend car rentals as well, so he can transport his dry cleaning to another store.

All for a pair of pants that the dry cleaners say were found and they tried to return to him, but they were denied.

The judge is suing on the grounds that he has had "mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort" since he couldn't wear his favorite pair of pants on his first day on the job.

Apparently the judge was also banned from these same dry cleaners just a few years prior after he had another problem with a lost pair of pants. And he begged them to reallow him to be a customer since the judge doesn't drive and these are the most convenient dry cleaners for him.

Anyway the case has been in trial for the past week or so. The judge, acting as his own lawyer, called 60+ witnesses to the stand to testify against the dry cleaners in question. You can read some of the testimony and response to the story on: http://blog.washingtonpost.com/offbeat/

How this guy is able to practice law is beyond me. Just shows you what a fuckin farse our legal system is when assholes like this are able to get appointed. I hope the judge decides that he owes the dry cleaners $54 million...just for being an asshole.

Actually his punishment should be he has to hand wash all of the clothing in the dry cleaners for a year. That would teach him to sue.

"Would you show a little courtesy?"

So I'm in the elevator this morning with another woman and the door is starting to close. As the door is more than half way closed, this lady frantically sticks her arm in to open the door. The door keeps closing on her arm so she moves in between the closing door. The door, which normally would spring back open doesn't. The woman looks at me and says "Would you show a little courtesy and open the door for me instead of just watching?" I go and hit the open door button and the door releases its death grip on her.

Instead of saying thank you the lady berates me for not helping her out. Normally that would be grounds for me to rip her to shreds with a verbal tirade she probably had never heard the likes of. But I was in a good mood so I bit my tongue and calmly said "Next time you shouldn't throw your body into the doors it's not a very safe thing to do". That of course wasn't good enough for this lady who kept barking at me about how inconsiderate I was to leave her stuck and blah blah blah.

Listen you little witch. It's not my fault you tried to stick your appendages into a closing door last second. If the door was just starting to close that would be one thing. But the door was well past the half way closing point. That's when you step away and wait 2 seconds for the next elevator. Especially when the door doesn't respond to you trying to open it. But nope, this woman felt the need to shove her whole body in the door, basically risking getting herself trapped.

The other lady in the elevator with me gets out on the same floor and we look at each other and laugh. She was like "that bitch was rude". At least that made me feel better knowing I was in the clear.

But all in all I'm shocked at myself for showing restraint. Normally one to fly off the handle rather quickly, I stayed composed and calm. No talking about her momma. No making fun of her little house on the prairie outfit. No talking about her hair which looks like it hadn't been cut since 1985. Nothing.

I think its the humidity. It beats me down. Takes away my spunk. I don't do well in the humidity. My internal temperature runs hot as it is...the humidity just overheats me.

Anyway off to a meeting...I'll be back shortly with some funnier news for you.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Something for everyone

So it's a beautiful Friday...although some of y'all have already headed out to the Jersey Shore or the Hamptons for the weekend. But for us poor folk who don't hobnob with the masses, it's time to find the little things that can make us happy this weekend. Like watching nannies show off their thongs in the park.



(picture courtesy of I Saw Your Nanny and Metadish.com)

I mean...jesus christ. How do you NOT know your pants are under your ass? Don't feel the cold breeze coming in?

Although I don't know who's more at fault...the nanny for showing off her thong to the world or the perverted (i.e. smart) person who snapped her picture. Let the debate begin!

On the less "sexy" side of the news, for those who are avid SPAM eaters (and who Isn't!) you'll be happy to know that SPAM is causing a fast food war in Hawaii. (click on pic for article)



According to the article: "Burger King is offering the Spam Platter — two slices of Spam nestled between white rice and scrambled eggs. The fast-food giant also offers the Croissanwich or Biscuit Sandwich with Spam."

Good stuff. Although I tend to think I'd go for more of the "SpamMcMuffin" rather than the Spam and Rice platter. But that's just me!

The article also mentions these fun facts:

"Hawaii residents consume more than 5 million pounds of Spam a year, an average of about six cans for every man, woman and child."

"Spam 'musubi' — a slice of Spam atop a block of rice and wrapped in seaweed — is an island favorite sold at nearly every convenience store, including 7-Eleven. Spam fried rice is a local classic."

"There are also more varieties of Spam sold in Hawaii than anywhere else. There's Spam Garlic, Spam Bacon, Spam with Cheese, Spam with Tabasco, Spam Turkey and Spam Lite, which featured less sodium and less fat."


SPAM Musubi

Spam Lite. Nice. So that only has 800mg of Sodium and 35g of Fat per serving. Good to know.

Next time I go to Nobu I'm gonna insist they serve me some SPAM Musubi. If not I'm taking my Sake and leaving!

Btw...I still have that packet of SPAM on my desk. I can't eat it until we win the SPAM business. Good thing the packet doesn't expire until April 2009! Then again I thought SPAM never went bad. Hmm...

In other, other news...apparently there's a new code for business attire in the middle east. Suits and dress clothing have been replaced with fatigues, masks and guns.


New office attire announced in Gaza

About damn time. That would be perfect in my office since we have plenty of guns and camo lying around. Don't know how well the whole mask/covered face thing would go over...but I guess we'll find out!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Still ringing...

So its 1:45pm and my ears are still ringing. Somebody make it stop!!!

This wasn't the first time my ears were left ringing (in a bad way) after a Yankee game. As you'll remember back on April 30th, when I spoke about those "children" (i.e. heathens) who got into a screaming match above and below me

So far today I've thought someone called my name, twice (neither time it was for me), I've heard the phone ring a few times (wasn't ringing) and I think I even heard someone whisper "Rosebud" (I haven't seen Citizen Kane in over a decade). So needless to say my ears are still way out of tune.

The only salvation I've had today was a nice plate of chicken parm from Bella Napoli.



You don't get much better than Bella Napoli as far as chicken parm is concerned (i haven't gotten around to my story on the best chicken parm in the city yet...i will soon though. promise!). You can either get a chicken parm hero or a plate matched with ziti or salad. I opted for the salad today since I can't afford to be sleeping on my keyboard this afternoon. The salad with nice and fresh, with big beefy tomatoes and fresh cucumbers, despite the fact that I splashed balsamic vinegar all over my desk. Definitely worth a visit for a nice lunch (and reasonable too - under $7 for the combo) or quiet dinner if you're over in the midtown area. They make some mean pizza too, as evidenced by the lines that are out the door on a daily basis.


If you donta go to the bella napoli i'm gonna send the vito afta your assa. Capice?

Btw...just looked up Capice (pronounced ka-pea-shh) in the Urban Dictionary:

Capice: "Asking for agreement, understanding, belief. Answered with itself. Often used in italian mafia-type settings to emphasize understanding."

Example:
Frank: "If you dont shutup, im going to bust your frickin head open with a baseball bat, capice?!"

Tony: "Capice"

Haha...awesome...gotta love the Urban Dictionary! Wonder if I can use Capice as a Scrabble word someday??? Hmm...I can imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Capice (on the board)

Opponent: Capice? That's not a word!

Me: Capice is a fuckin word you fuckin asshole. Now that's 27 points with the Triple Word Score. Put it in the fuckin books. Capice?! (brandishing my baseball bat, pocket knife and molotov cocktail).

Opponent: Ok...ok...it's a word.

"Bat" Man

Last night sitting in the bleachers at the Yankees game I was sitting in front of this older couple, probably in their 50s. They looked like they just got off the bus from Woodstock, with their long white hair and shoddy clothing. However they seemed nice and they were definitely avid Yankee fans. The lady however was cheering for everything. She even cheered loudly when the corporate sponsor for umbrella day was acknowledged before the game. Who cheers for the corporate sponsor??? But the worst part was her whistle. She emitted this ultra-high pitched whistle that I think most dogs would cover their ears listening too. It was deafening. I'm still hearing some of the feedback in my ear. She whistled and clapped for everything. Mussina threw a ball? "Come on Mooooseeee let's get it back" followed by loud claps and her shreiking whistle. Wil Nieves struck out again? Whistle, clap, whistle. "Get em next time Willie!"

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for cheering at games. But jesus christ lady...be aware of people sitting in front of you when you're whistling. And there's really no need to whistle for a foul ball. Honestly. If Mussina's pitch count was 66 by the 5th inning, her whistle count was in the 100's. Eventually I became deaf enough in my right ear that it stopped fazing me. But 2 or 3 people actually moved their seats because of her loud cheering. Thankfully I left in the 7th inning to avoid any further damage to my ear drums. What's that? Huh? Sorry thought someone was calling my name.

Anyway, sorry to vent about that...I think that's just my ear speaking out in frustration. Although it could have been worse. I could have been this guy (click for larger image):



I think the funniest part of the picture is how he's the only one not defending himself from the bat. People a few seats over have their hands raised or are covering themselves. The people on the left side look like they're watching a horror film and are screaming. But this guy just took the bat on the chin. According to the caption he suffered a broken rib...but not sure how he didn't break his jaw. Then again he's wearing an Ireland shirt, so I'm sure he's used to getting hit in the face. (I'll take Irish stereotypes for $200 please).

Ooooh...what's that, someone just said there's donuts in the conference room. I'm so there. Be back with more later...


Mmmm....donuts

Post blog note: hmm...so turns out I'm just hearing things...no donuts. damn...that lady really fucked my ear up!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What ever happened to Eight is Enough???

I was skimming across People magazine the other day and saw this article about the Duggar family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are 40 year old parents who live in Arkansas. (Jim Bob is a real estate agent). You would think they were the average family, living the average American life.

Your guess would be that they have 3, 4, maybe 5 kids right?

Nah, keep going.

6, 7?

Nope.

9, 10?

You'll need more than 2 hands.

12, 13???

Ha...not there yet.

15???

Close...but no cigar.

Let's try 16 kids...with a 17th on the way!!!!!! (Click for a bigger picture)

The Duggar clan

17 fuckin kids!!! The oldest is 19 years old. Two sets of twins.

According to the family, after the birth of child #1 they "thought we'd leave the decision about how many children to have up to God".

Smart move.

While I'm not one to judge them for populating this world, I can criticize them in the naming of their children. They named all their children with the letter J. I hate when people do that. Its bad enough when you do that with three or four children. But 17??? What the fuck?

Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, and to be born Jennifer Danielle.

Throw in Jim Bob as the dad and that's 18 people in the family with the letter J. Why doesn't the wife just change her name from Michelle to something with a J? Make it a clean fuckin sweep. Or did they use up all the J names already?

According to the mother she wants even more!! Good move. Why don't you just populate the entire town while you're at it. I mean at this point, once your children start having children you know damn well incest is gonna run rapid.

Scene: county fairgrounds. behind the bleachers. teenage boy and girl about to make out.

Girl: wait...before we do this, are you a Duggar by any chance???

Boy: why yes I am. What bout' you?

Girl: I am Tooo!

Commence making out.

End Scene.

The family even has their own website, Duggar Family.com and are celebrities thanks to numerous appearances on TV. They even have their own show on the Discovery Health Channel.

Listen people...let's not encourage them. Let's not celebrate this as a "glorious gift from God". I happen to think this is child imprisonment at its highest. Don't believe me. Look at this picture:



Every Duggar child "has" to start on violin at age 4. Does anyone else see something fucked up in that? I mean I know you have to teach them to do chores around the house at a young age, like laundry, cook, clean etc, especially when you have a family that big. But forcing them to play an instrument? Why not just let them pick it up and play when they're curious about it?

Look at the faces on some of the children (click the pic for a bigger view). They don't look too thrilled to be playing do they??? I mean, isn't that basically a form of child abuse by forcing them to do things they necessarily don't want to do? No? Am I totally off base here?

Celebrate them if you'd like. Praise them for populating the world with "god's greatest gift". I'm sure they're good, honest people just trying to find joy in their lives. But what concerns me is the mental state of their children. How can you possible give love, affection and attention to 17 children!!! You can't. You know damn well some of those children will grow up to have serious mental problems based on neglect or from constantly being in the media spotlight. You can see it in their faces already. Some of the younger children look scared shitless in that picture. Like if they didn't pick up the violin they'd be beaten with a wire hanger.

I'm not accusing them of abusing their children physically, but mentally how can they not be??? It's bad enough a family of 3 or 4 has to deal with middle child syndrome. What about a family of 17?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Don't believe the hype

The recent fad of burger joints in NYC has led to a debate of sorts on which place serves up the best burger. If you polled 10 people, you'd probably get 10 different responses on someone's favorite. Certainly favorites like PJ Clarke's, J.G. Melon's and the Burger Joint at Le Parker Meridian will make anyone's top 10 list. While others will opine Corner Bistro, Shake Shack, Uncle Nick's or various others. While I certainly don't have enough time to go into a full fledged debate on this topic (plus i'm saving it for a "super secret special new blog to come in a few months"), I did try one of the new hotspots in "Burger Land" last night called Zip Burger.

Bridget & I actually kinda accidently stumbled upon it after wandering around the east side looking for a place to eat. I remembered that a few people told me I should definitely try it sometime. Actually some have gone so far as to tell me: OMG it's the best burger around!!! (those people shall remain nameless, even though it's doubtful they're readers here anyway). Now while I value everyone's opinion, I'm also a skeptic at heart. So I decided we should try it for ourselves.

Zip Burger is cut along the lines of the recent crop of "build your own burger" places, like Good Burger or Better Burger.

(Warning: Side rant coming. Do you think the Build a Bear workshops led anything to the build a burger concept? Did some "burgerpreneur" go into a Build-A-Bear one day with his child and say, damn...you know what...these guys are onto something. I wonder if this would work with burgers instead of bears! By golly, I think I have something here!


"Build-A-Bear" may have led to the formation of the "build a burger" concept

Anyway, the whole building a burger from the bun up idea is pretty nifty, right down to picking your own bread. You get to choose from a Beef, Veggie, Salmon or Turkey burger (the latter three will cost you $6, the beef- $4.50). Then you pick your bun -the "classic bun" costs nothing, but a whole wheat, sourdough, english muffin or lettuce bun will cost you extra. Then you select your cheese, which ranges from American to Gouda. Then come the toppings. Surprisingly the only toppings that are free are pickles (they must have a pickle tree in the back). Anything else will cost ya. Lettuce? Cough up a quarter. Tomato? 25 cent. Onions (red - fity cent; vidalia - 75 cent). Applewood smoked bacon? Dollar fity. So as you can see, "building" a big burger is gonna cost you pretty quickly. Plus it's kind of pushing things a little when you start charging for burger "staples" like lettuce and tomatoes.

I opted for a Vermont Cheddar Beef Burger with pickles, lettuce, tomato and red onion on a whole wheat roll. That came to $6.50. Which isn't bad for a bar let's say, but for a "fast food" joint...you're starting to get into that "better be worth it for the money" area. We got a sack of fries in a brown paper bag (which allowed the oils to collect nicely). I added on a strawberry shake and a mint infused unsweetened iced-tea.


My Zip Burger, built from the bun up

The burger itself was definitely juicy and you can tell it was hand made. The meat fell apart as you bit into the burger, which is a good sign of a hand crafted burger. Being one who handcrafts my burgers as well, I appreciated the effort that goes into making hand-built burgers. The bun was soft and tasty, but wasn't firm enough to handle the burgers and toppings, and ended up falling apart on me after a few bites. Had the bun been grilled a bit it may have firmed up a bit to handle the load. The fries were nice and oily, and decent, but definitely not the best i've had (i'm more of a salty, shoe string type fry guy myself). The shake was very nice (hi-five!) and definitely went down smoothly.

Overall I'd say the burger was decent, definitely not "the best i've ever had" nor the worst I've ever had. It was passable, although for $6.50 I'd probably just as soon go to a bar and order a "pre-conceived" burger that came with the standard ingredients. So the jury's still out. But as far as being "OMG worthy!" like a few have told me...well I'm not so sure about that. While its a good suggestion for a take out lunch or a no-frills sit down dinner on the east side (i'm not a fan of getting food like this delivered mainly because you're taking the handling of the food out of your hands - but more on that at a later date) I wouldn't willingly go out of my way to get it.

Just like the vastly overtrumpeted (and overcrowded) Shake Shack, and the hit or miss Better Burger, sometimes, my friends it's best to listen to Public Enemy when they say "Don't Believe the Hype!"


Listen to Public Enemy: "Don't believe...doe doe don't believe the hype!"

Monday, June 11, 2007

Not going anywhere for a while...


Grab A Snickers!

Remember those old Snickers commercials, where the person was placed in a precarious position, like hanging in a bear trap and was basically stuck and the voice over announcer would say: "Not going anywhere for a while...grab a Snickers".

Well I'm sure the riders stuck upside down on the X-Coaster on Saturday won't appreciate my humor and rightly so. Could you imagine the blood flowing to your head for 30 straight minutes? I'm just surprised no one passed out while stuck upside down on the ride!

Just looking at this coaster would make me think twice about going on it.


The X-Coaster at Magic Springs

Doesn't exactly look like the world's safest ride does it? According to the theme park's website The X-Coaster "shoots riders 150 feet in the air, flips them upside down and then sends everyone on a 360-degree corkscrew roll at more than 65 miles an hour."

Nice. Sounds innocent enough. Especially during power outages.

This description of the coaster came from one of the park's spokesman (courtesy of the Arkansas Times):

---
"This exciting new ride treats our guests to an upside down inversion at 150 feet, the highest in the world. What makes the ride unique is that a technological innovation leaves the riders inverted 150 feet above the ground without shoulder restraints.

When the riders leave the loading platform, they are taken for a vertical ascent of 150 feet, at which point the car performs a thrillingly slow quarter-loop backwards, which has the riders hanging upside-down. Then the riders are sent on a 360-degree corkscrew roll, followed by a plummeting vertical drop at more than 65 miles an hour.

At this point it appears that the riders will return to the starting station, but instead they rocket past the station, stop on the lift hill, drop backwards through the station at high speed, stop upside down and rocket forward through the station again.”



---

Nice. I'm sure the riders who were "inverted 150 feet above the ground without shoulder restraints" appreciated feeling helpless when they were left upside down for 30 minutes. Nothing like hanging upside down by the thread of a lap belt for thirty minutes to make you feel "exhiliarated!"

The Surprise is on Me?!

So yesterday I headed down to Brooklyn for what was supposed to be a surprise welcome home party for my sister who was returning home from her six month stay in London. So imagine my surprise when I peered over the gate and had everyone yell “Surprise!” Thinking it was one of those mistakes or jokes until I looked and saw more of my friends than my sister’s friends. So indeed the surprise party was for me! Shocked I was, especially since my 30th birthday had passed a few weeks back.

Although I think I was able to shock a few of you in my own special way by wearing my "I Eat'M Raw!" Lee & Rick's Oyster Bar t-shirt to a family function. I know, how appropriate for a family function! Although it would have been perfect had their been some oysters or shrimp cocktail for me to devour while wearing the shirt. Maybe next time!


Leave it to me to wear an "I Eat'M Raw!" shirt to my own surprise party

Anyway, thank you to all those who made the trek to Brooklyn to celebrate. Although a big booo for everyone lying to me over the past few weeks and telling me they already had plans this weekend. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

It was the first time, at least that I can remember, that I had a surprise party thrown for me. I mean I’ve had other surprises thrown at me in life, such as showing up to work one day and “surprise – your magazine is closing! Here’s your severance pay. Bye bye now”. Or the one time I went to the doctor’s office and he said “surprise – you’re pregnant!” (ok…maybe I’m making one of them up…bet you can’t guess which one though!). But on the scale of surprises, this was definitely a good one. I was definitely caught off-guard. Unaware. Hoodwinked. Pretty crafty move I may add, especially when the surprise was supposed to be for someone else.

So big thanks to my girlfriend Bridget for gathering my friends together, albeit behind my back. And big thanks to the parents and sisters who put together the festivities and organized the party. And thanks to all my family and friends who took time out of their days to spend the day with me. It was greatly appreciated. And thanks again for everyone reminding me that I’m 30. Much appreciated!

Btw this is one of the few times you’ll see me be sentimental on this blog…so soak it up now while you have the chance!

Friday, June 08, 2007

"Sue" City

So last night I saw that Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) is being sued again based on a clip that appeared in the movie Borat. The man doing the suing is Jeffrey Lemerond, a 31 year old geeky Wall Street financial analyst, who was shown in the movie running furiously away from Borat as he tried to give him a hug. Obviously Mr. Lemerond, who went to "Dartmouth" and therefore has no sense of humor, has suffered “public ridicule, degradation and humiliation” as a result of his appearance in the film. Apparently he's suing on grounds he never gave consent to appear in the film.

Here's the link to the article and also the video clip from the movie and analysis from CNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19103391/

Well of course they never got consent you douchebag...you were too busy running your ass off like a chicken shit. I think the other guy who told Borat he'd "break his fucking face" if he tried to touch him looked like even more of a douchebag in the movie (douchebag IS the word of the day btw).


The word of the day is Douchebag!

The New York City scenes in the movie cracked me up, probably because I live here...but the chicken on the subway scene was great. Especially when he told the passengers "Be careful he bite" as the chicken was flying around the subway. I need to get the movie on DVD...I'm cracking up just thinking about it.

Anyway, point is, yes these guys made a big fool out of themselves in a movie that millions saw around the world. But you know what, they should embrace the fact that they looked like douchebags (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!). I'd be like, yeah, I ran from Borat...but I'm a "celebrity" now. I mean look at William Hung. He made more of an ass out of himself than anyone in recent history and now he's got his own record deal and will forever be "infamous".

I'm sorry that the little sissy got his feelings hurt. He didn't know his running away act was gonna be filmed for one of the most popular movies of all time. But maybe he should of stopped and talked to Borat instead of running away. I mean he must have saw the camera right? He could have said sorry I don't want to appear in this movie. And that would've been the end of it. Better yet, they could have easily just had the camera running on a tripod and filmed his likeness walking by, and thus he would've been in the movie.

Hell, most of us have probably been in movies or TV shows walking around in the background of some street scene. Not all movies are filmed in roped off little areas. Sometimes you just get establishing shots with people walking by. You think everyone in the movie Midnight Cowboy signed a release to appear in the film? How bout Tootsie? Thousands of people were filmed walking down the streets in those movies. Some were probably picking their nose or wearing embarassing clothing. Did they sue? No.

So the fact that he ran is really his fault. Maybe next time he shouldn't be such a mama's boy. Although he's making even more of an ass of himself now by suing. Just look at this headline (click image to read the article):



Ouch! I mean really...Jeffrey. Look what you've done now! Instead of just taking a ribbing from people that know you, now you're getting lambasted all over the internet. Good work. Hope that lawsuit goes well for you. You've should have just said, you know what guys...I'm a pussy. I ran away like a chicken shit. But you know what...at least I'm famous now. Nope...instead he's crying wolf. And you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf. He got his ASS BEAT!!!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

My stomach is ready to disown me

So I'm sitting here absolutely starving...but I'm waiting on a call from one of my clients so I'm in essence chained to my desk. Now I know what people on a hunger strike must feel like. This is worse than chinese water torture!

What makes it worse is everyone is going out to lunch or bringing their lunch back to the office. Just smelling the fried goodness of chinese food is making my mouth water. Plus it didn't help that all I had for breakfast was some muscle milk shake thing that was supposedly a meal supplement.



It tasted pretty good though - I got the chocolate shake. Although I don't really notice a difference in muscle mass today...I guess you're supposed to do something called "lifting" to notice a change in muscle mass. Not sure what that is. Why don't these shakes just do the lifting for you? Or is that just what Human Growth Hormones are for?

Speaking of eating, this weekend is the Big Apple BBQ fest in Madison Square Park. I haven't gone in the past but wanted to go this year. Although I may think twice about that since the crowds are absolutely ridiculous. You can expect to wait over an hour just to get a "plate" of food from one of the BBQ pitmasters that come in from around the country.


Hate crowds and lines? The Big Apple BBQ is definitely not for you

I think it's $8 per plate at each of the pitmaster stations...which is probably the equivalant of one rib and a "dollop" of pulled pork. I mean, that's great and all, if you weighed about 80 pounds and got full from inhaling fresh air. If I'm waiting an hour for some BBQ, my plate better be overflowing with food. I want a full rack of ribs and a heaping order of sides. But that's definitely not what you're getting here. You're getting a "sampling" of food. And for those who are food savvy like myself, sample = "small portions". I may be off on that assessment since I've never been...but i doubt your plate is overflowing with food.

Last year I believe they had 6 pits, and this year its up to 10 pits...so maybe the wait time will fall to under an hour. You actually are recommended to buy a "Fast Pass" for your food - so you can in essence cut line, similiar to what you can do at Disney. I think it's $100 for the fast pass, which entitles you to $84 dollars worth of food and beverage, admission to one of the "BBQ seminars" and a free t-shirt. I'm sorry...when I think seminar, I think sitting/standing around someone talking for an hour with no handouts. As cool as the topic may be, aren't you just wasting your $25??? Wouldn't you rather just eat your $25 dollars worth? Especially since the lines are an hour plus per pit...

While this by and large is a great idea to have these pitmasters exhibit their wares in NYC..I think I'm definitely gonna pass again this year.

a) I hate waiting for food. Call me whatever you like...but I don't wait over an hour for food. Just not my style to stand there on line like I'm taking handouts at a soup kitchen. There's millions of places to eat in the city...if you have to wait an hour to get in somewhere, go somewhere else. Unless it's a fancy place like Nobu where they make you wait as "part of the charm". Otherwise I'd just as happily go to the restaurant down the block.

b) If I'm gonna spend $100 on BBQ, I'd just go to the BBQ restaurant itself and chow down. I know you can't get the BBQ from all over the country that often and its great that these pitmasters fly in from all over the place to cook. But don't you think its gonna be better at the actual restaurant itself? Shit, spend the few hundred on airfare and hotel and make a road trip out of it. Plus three of the pitmasters serving up food are from New York restaurants. Why not just save yourself the waiting and go up to Dinosaur BBQ in Harlem or Blue Smoke in Midtown? For $100, I guarantee you can eat like a champ at a BBQ restaurant! You're certainly not gonna get just one rib and two ounces of pulled pork for your troubles. You're gonna get 20 ribs and 10 pounds of plled pork.

c) The pits are only open from 12-6...meaning you have 6 hours to eat. If you average a wait time of an hour per pit...not counting waiting on line for beverages...you're looking at only getting to maybe 5 out of the 10 pits, if you're lucky. I know for some people, one or two pits are enough. But for us fat folk, if I'm devoting a day to BBQ, I want as many plates as I can get my hands on. Call me crazy, but that's just my style.

d) You know how much further your $100 can go at other places? Just think about all the White Castle burgers, sides and chicken rings you can order with $100!


This feast of a meal probably cost $25...at most

Anyway, sorry to get off on such a huge side rant about this event. Maybe I'm angry. Angry because my stomach has declared a revolt against me. I don't blame it, poor thing...I'm basically giving it the Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Richie don't eat anything all day treatment. I'd revolt too!

Post blog note...I ate lunch around 2pm EST...2 slices of pizza. The revolt is over. The stomach has declared a cease fire. The national guard can stand down. Let freedom reign!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Cuteness Factor

Some of the top visited websites in the world these days are animal picture sites. The one in particular that everyone seems to go to is I Can Has Cheezburger.com



The site is basically a cat lovers feast, with pictures and captions of people's favorite feline friends. I personally am more of a dog guy than a cat guy...but cool cats can be cool, and this site tends to showcase pictures of cats putting themselves in precarious positions. Although honestly, I don't like the captions. I think it's stupid and cheezy. I know that's probably the point of the site but still...I don't think cats, if they could talk, would speak in broken english like the site suggests. You'd expect the cat to be articulate and calculating with their words, much like their wary and cautious personalities. Not with a dumbed down "which way did he go, which way did he go" sense of personality. So personally I don't like the site. Is it tongue and cheek? Probably. But honestly, just show me pictures of the damn cat and I'll decide my own caption.

How would that work you ask? Well just look at The Daily Puppy.



The site is just pictures of puppies. A new set of pictures uploaded everyday. Nothing but cute, adorable puppies. No stupid headlines like "I canz eatz da cheezburgerz???" are placed on the pictures. Just the pictures of the dogs and the stories behind the puppies. Plus instead of one picture, the owners normally upload dozens of pictures of their dogs. Personally, I think that's the way an animal website should be done. Let me make my own captions without some idiot telling me what to think in broken english.

Anyway, in the spirit of showcasing your pets...while I don't have a pet of my own (just yet - will have one soon though!), I am an uncle of an American Eskimo named Max.







I'm also a "step-uncle" for an English Bulldog named Vegas







See, you can showcase your pets without captions. Let that be a lesson to I Can Haz Cheezburger! The battle of showcasing animal websites goes to the Dogs!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Queer Eye for the "Street Guy"

So once again I've managed to run into Carson Kressley. This time he walked by me on 34th and Lexington as I was out for a midday stroll during lunch. I would have said hi to him but he was on the phone. So I did what any responsible citizen would do. I took a picture of him hailing a cab!

Maybe I can be one of those tabloid journalists right now for the Enquirer or Star.


Ooooooh look it's Carson Kressley hailing a cab in his summer finest.


Carson successfully hails a cab!!!!

Maybe there's something to this whole paparazzi thing afterall...hmm...

Furthering the Rivalry

When you think Yankees and Red Sox you think rivalry.

Intense rivalry.

Rivals on the field.

Rivals in the stands.

Rivals in ice cream?

On my trip to Boston this weekend to historic Fenway, which I've actually come to appreciate more in my "older years", I noticed an ice cream stand outside of the stadium. Walking towards it I expected it to be no other than Dippin Dots, the self proclaimed "ice cream of the future" that is served at Yankee Stadium (which you'll remember I spoke about a few weeks ago after trying them for the first time). But lo and behold it wasn't Dippin Dots but something called Itti Bitz.


"Little Bitz of Ice Cream Fun"

What kind of fuckin name is Itti Bitz??? Can you imagine a child asking his mother for Itti Bitz???? Hell no. Asking for some Dots is much cooler! Just see for yourself:

"Yo ma...get me some Itti Bitz"

"Yo ma...get me some Dippin Dots"

Case closed.

So while Fenway by and large has better concessions than Yankee stadium (if you haven't been, they've done tons to improve their concessions in the past few years while Yankee stadium has some of the worst concessions in the league. Average wait time for a beer in Fenway is about 2 minutes. Average wait time in Yankees Stadium about 30 mins. Trust me on that one.) a point in the rivalry does go to the Yankees for better ice cream concession. A small victory for Yanks fans to hang their hats on considering we don't have much else going for us these days!

In other news, Bridget forwarded me this viral video Bud Light produced called the "Swear Jar". Pretty funny...employees have to donate a $1 for every swear word they say in the work place, which gets pooled to buy cases of Bud Light.



Something to implement in your own workplace perhaps???

Monday, June 04, 2007

That ain't right!

So I walk into the bathroom before and open the stall door. I look down and see shit stains on the seat. Not on the back of the seat, but on the front of the seat and the middle area between the seat.

What the fuck? I mean seriously, did someone basically shit their pants and it all got over the seat? Were they unaligned on the bowl that badly??? Were they acting in a German Schizer video?

Come on man...if you're gonna "miss", at least wipe the seat down. Fuckin gross. But I guess people just "leave it to the janitor". Well you know what asshole, janitor's are people too! I was a janitor for a summer and had to clean shit off toilets because of scumbags like you. Fuckin asshole. Go shit on your toilet seat at home like that and see what happens. If you're married, your ass is on the couch for the next year. If you're single, you have to clean after yourself. So why shouldn't the workplace be any different. Unreal.

P.S. I would've taken picture of said seat but figured that would be completely crossing the line and grossing everyone out. So just take it from me...it wasn't a pretty sight.

He's the Man!

No...not talking about A-Rod who hit the game winning HR last night in the 9th inning to beat the Red Sox (long after I had turned the TV off in disgust).

Nor am I talking about Vladimir Putin, who is doing his best to touch off "Cold War II". (and frankly we could use another cold war...I'm longing for the return of the USA vs Russia arcade game!)


Perhaps a new cold war can spark the return of the USA vs Russia arcade hockey game!

No...I'm talking about the (cue Michael Buffer voice) New, International Hot Dog Eating Champion of the World....Joey "The Tsunami" Chestnut!


Ladies & Gentlemen, your new hot dog eating champion!

Chestnut shattered Kobayashi's record over the weekend by eating an amazing 59 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes in a "warm up" for the Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest! Read the news article here: http://origin.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_6048231.

Chestnut, who is one of my favorite competitive eaters due to him being the Krystal eating Champion of the world (Krystal is similar to White Castle), bettered Kobayashi's record by a whopping 6 hot dogs! Watching Chestnut compete against Kobayashi last year at Coney Island was special, because no one's even come close to beating Kobayashi in recent memory. Chestnut lost to Kobayashi by a hot dog and a half last year so there was hope that he could dethrone Kobayashi this year at Coney Island. In fact the only "person" who has beaten Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest was actually an animal, a brown bear to be exact, who destroyed Kobayashi on that TV show Man vs Animal on FOX a few years back (click the link to play video from that contest)


The only competitor to beat Kobayashi in Hot Dog eating was a bear

But Chestnut is now the new "king of the hot dog" and watching him and Kobayashi go toe-to-toe (or mouth to mouth) on July 4th for the title should be awesome.


This year you can guarantee Kobayashi will be signaling Chestnut is the man!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Dancin' Fool

Before I begin...a big asshole of the day goes to the lady who blatently cut me off on the way up the stairs getting off the 6 train at 33rd street this morning. Not only did she cut me off when there was no one behind me. She then proceeded slowly up the stairs in the middle of the stairway so I could neither pass her left or right. Then when she got to the top of the stairs, she was confused about where she was so she just stopped and stood there while I almost plowed into her. Then she shuffled her feet slowly in the same direction I was heading. Thanks lady...so glad you cut me off only to not know where the fuck you're going. Smart move.

Anyway...today is Friday...which is casual Friday in my office. So that means you can wear jeans (no official verdict on whether Hawaiian shirts are allowed). However today I'm breaking the rules. I'm being a rebel. I'm wearing shorts. Yes shorts. Why? Because why should guys have to suffer wearing collared shirts and pants why girls get to wear next to nothing on hot summer days. Like it's fair that I have to sweat my ass off in pants on a 90 degree day while some girl gets to wear a wife beater and a loose skirt. As Al Bundy would say...No Ma'am! Granted some may say they don't want to see a guy's flabby arms and hairy legs...and girls are much better to look at. But I have nice legs...so why shouldn't I be able to show them off too? Plus there's next to no ventilation in this office so I'd be a much more productive employee at a cooler temperature rather then having to worry about sweating through my shirt and pants. So today, shorts it is unless someone has the guts to tell me otherwise. I think I smell a reform in the workplace coming on. Men of the world UNITE!

So I was shocked to see that Akeelah didn't win the spelling bee last night. I knew it was rigged! But I got home in time to watch the last finalists duke it out. Here's one of the last contestants getting bounced from the competition.



And here's the eventual champion spelling his final word for the title.



Although if you didn't see it, the new champion, Evan O'Dorney gave one of the worst post winning interviews ever. Granted he was probably in shock. But Stuart Scott asked him what prepared him for this competition. And the kid, stumbling with a "just going through puberty like any teenage boy would voice" was like...umm...i like math...and the construction of math equations helped me learn how to break down words. It was painful to listen too. I actually turned the TV off. Poor kid. But congrats to him. You're now gonna be forever known as that Spelling Bee kid. Good luck getting your ass kicked in High School...see how fast you can spell wedgie.

The other painful TV moment last night came during Do You Think You Can Dance. I flipped through the channels just in time to see this doozy of an audition:



Um...yeah...she got moves that's for sure. She put Chris Brown too shame fa shizzle for nizzle. Although what you missed in this clip was Shane (one of the judges) saying...Do you know this competition? Do you know what we're looking for? The girl shook her head no. We're looking for athletic dancers. Not overweight dancers. You're gonna get killed on this show.

Ouch...brutually honest. Had this been American Idol there would have been a huge uproar. But since no one is watching Think You Can Dance, I'm sure not a peep will be made. Not even from the Fat Persons of America Coalition. But definitely a very "holy crap did he just say that" TV moment right there. Good stuff.

Anyway, it's Friday. The weekend is here. Time to slather on that tanning oil or SPF 2000 and soak up some rays...and some alcohol! Remember, as this sign says:


Your liver is evil and must be destroyed!

Enjoy your weekend everyone!