Rock the Vote

As we come closer to the one-year anniversary of "What Pushes My Buttons", I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have been loyal readers of my blog over the past year. Whether your an active participant in the discussion or just a casual observer, I hope that you've enjoyed your reading experience here thus far and at the very least have gotten a few laughs out of it along the way.

If your the kinda person who notices "tags" on blogs, you'll notice that certain postings have been tagged "top blog candidate". These are the posts I believe to be the funniest (or most distasteful) writings that have appeared on this blog so far. But that's just in my humble opinion. It's time for you to decide on that.

We're looking for you to vote on the post that made you laugh the hardest. Or nearly throw up on your desk. Or simply shake your head in disbelief. In the spirit of American Idol, YOU have the chance to decide.

What does the winning post get? Well, frankly not much, other than the distinction of being voted as posting of the year. What do you get? Well, frankly even less, other than the chance to voice your opinion. And these days, who doesn't want to voice their opinion!

So without further adieu, here are the candidates for the 1st annual What Pushes My Buttons Post of the Year (drum roll please):

• Ultimate Shower Songs...Part Deux




• No More "Nappy"




• "Good Humor" Friday




• If the food's so bad for you, then why are there no fat chinese people?




• It sucks to blow




• Rules of Pedestrian Engagement




• The Beavers are Coming




• Grammy Observations




• Wedding Season is Upon Us




• Asshole of the Day




• Lost Stand-Up Comedy Bits




• Greatest Sandwiches




• A Little Too Early For This




• "Comp" Town




• Ultimate Shower Songs

Those are your candidates for "WPMB blog posting of the year". To vote in this all-important "election", on the top right hand column of the page will be the voting box.

Go ahead. Rock the Vote!

Ultimate Shower Songs...Part Deux

Ok...because many of you have asked for a new list, and it’s been nearly a year since the last list was “published”, it’s time for The Ultimate Shower Songs, Part Deux!

To those new to the blog, please view last year’s Ultimate Shower Songs list.

For those who have been faithful followers of this blog since day 1 and have waited almost a year for a new list, without further adieu, here’s part two of the best songs to sing in the shower (in no particular order):

Say, Say, Say. “Say” what you want about it, you know you love this duet between Sir Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. It’s a good “warm up” song in the shower since McCartney’s vocals are pretty mellow and easy to replicate. Once your vocal chords are raring to go it’s time to rip into Michael’s part: “What can I do, I’m so in love with you…baby! Eee heee”. Gotta love Michael in his bas ass years!


McCartney and Jackson team up to produce a great shower song for you

Other good Michael Jackson songs to sing in the shower are Billie Jean, The Way You Make Me Feel, Man in the Mirror and Pretty Young Thing. Actually most Michael Jackson songs are great shower songs. I’m gonna go ahead and give him a lifetime Shammy achievement award! Congrats Michael, well deserved.

Don’t Know Much. Once you’ve exhausted yourself with Michael, you can mellow it down with some Aaron Neville. For those who have the vocal range you can also sing the Linda Ronstadt parts of the song. But Neville is relatively easy to sing in the shower thanks to his nasal-like tone. Plus it’s a good warm up for singing Neville’s famous cotton commercial. You know the one: “The touch, the feel of cot-tin. It’s the fab-rick of our lives.”

On The Wings of Love. Staying on the mellow theme, and because you just saw one of those Time-Life infomercials at 1 in the morning with the 100 greatest love songs, this smash by Jeffrey Osbourne is sure to eat up some of the hot water in your building. Plus the deep, resonating vocals bounce off the shower walls nicely. Although similar to Caribbean Queen, all you know is the hook of the song so that’s all you sing over and over again. You know, “On the wings of love, only the two of us together flying high. Flying high, on the wings of love”.


The smooth stylings of Jeffrey Osbourne lend itself to good shower singing material, even if you only know two lines of the song

Another song you only know the hook to is Never Gonna Let You Go by Sergio Mendes. So that’s all you sing over and over again. You know the words. “I'm never gonna let you go. I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever. Gonna try and make up for the times I hurt you so. Gonna hold your body close to mine. From this day on we're gonna be together. Oh, I swear this time. I'm never gonna let you go”. Awesome stuff. Just awesome. Good song to extend your stay in the shower to.

For those itching for the summer months you can bust out a little Cruel Summer by Bananarama. “It’s a cruel (cruel) cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own”. Good stuff. You know you even hum the instrumental riff of the song. Very feel good shower song to get you ready for tanning season (or to make you feel bad about how white you are going into beach season as you wash your body). Other good “summer” songs are Summer Girls by LFO, Summer Wind by Sinatra and Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince. Although don't readily admit you know the lyrics to Summer Girls by LFO...could be condusive to having your ass beat in some corners of the earth (more on songs that could get your ass beat later).

Other good songs to get you in the mood for good weather are Break My Stride by Men at Work (also sung by Matthew Wilder). “Ain’t nothing gonna break-a my stride, ain’t nothing gonna slow me down – oh no – got to keep on movin”. (Although please don’t sing the Puff Daddy version. Or anything by Puffy for that matter. As they say in my hood, he’s a “beat biter – a Pac style taker – I’ll tell it to (his) face he ain’t shit but a faker”). Getting Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith and This is How We Do It by Montell Jordan also are prime songs for getting in a “good mood” for nice weather. Plus if you do the Getting Jiggy With It dance while rinsing, you’ll be able to wash off the soap that is trapped between your rolls of fat. If you have rolls of fat of course.

Perhaps the most underrated Shower Song band is U2. Largely because everyone knows the lyrics to most of their songs and their style is very condusive to shower singing. With or Without You is a particularly great shower song, especially that section where Bono kicks it up a notch. “I can’t liiiiive. With or without you…..oh oh oh oh”. Great stuff. It’s the kinda song you want people down the hallway to hear you sing. Another great U2 shower song is One. “Love is a temple, love the higher love”. Powerful. Good song to pause whatever you’re doing in the shower to belt out the lyrics.


Congrats, U2! You’ve earned a Shammy for achieving greatness in shower song music

Back to the mellow stuff (and because the Time-Life commercial just popped in your head again). When I See You Smile by John Waite is a great shower song to sing, especially if you just scored a big hookup the night before. Plus this song helps you score bonus points if you’re trying to impress upon your live-in girlfriend or the hooker you let sleep over last night. Nothing puts a “smile” on a girl’s face like hearing “When I see you smile. I can face the world. Oh you know I can do anything”. Although if you’re living with another dude you may not want to bust this one out for fear that the gaydar would go off the charts.

Speaking of off the charts gaydar, other songs not to sing if you have a male roommate around include anything by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Especially Sherri or Big Girls Don’t Cry. So what if you just saw the promo for “Jersey Girls” for the hundredth time, Valli’s songs should only be sung by those without any males within earshot (unless they happen to be musical theater or broadway actors – then you’re ok). If you choose to try the high notes of Sherri baby you best be comfortable with your own masculinity!

Other songs to avoid with a male around are A Whole New World by Peabo Bryson. So what if you watched Aladdin with your niece for the 50th time, singing this song is grounds for getting your ass beat by your roommate if he hears you singing it. Even if the vocals sound cool in the shower, sing this one at your own risk. Same goes for Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About by Bonnie Raitt. Although while you may get mocked and beaten by other males for singing it in the shower, you know damn well that after they’re done insulting your manhood minutes later they start humming the lyrics to themselves. Even if they won’t admit it, they should. The song is catchy.


Bonnie’s got your back if any male gives you shit for singing her songs

If you need to restore some of your male pride and save face, some good songs to turn to in the shower are Pearl Jam’s Jeremy, Creed’s My Own Prison, Metallica’s Enter Sandman and Nirvana’s Rape Me. Although you may wanna stay away from Rape Meif your male roommate recently completed a stint in prison.

On topic, songs to avoid if you’re trying not to violate parole for child molestation include anything referencing teenage girls, such as I Saw Her Standing There by the Beatles. “She was just 17 you know what I mean” may be tough to justify. Although in your defense you can say you were just at a game at the Garden since that’s a MSG hit (not so much for the she was just 17 part as much as the: She wouldn’t dance with another…OOOOOOO”, that everyone belts out at once).

Another song to be weary of if you’re a convicted child molester is Into The Night by Benny Mardones. Why you ask? Um, how bout the lyrics:

“She's just sixteen years old, Leave her alone, they say....But I want you to know, If I could fly, I'd pick youuuuuu up. I'd take you into the night, And show you a love…like you've neverrrrr seen. Ever seen”.

If that doesn’t scream child molestation I don’t know what does! Although it won’t stop me from singing it in the shower simply because it sounds cool acoustically. The lyrics invoke passion and are souful, despite the messaging.


Much to his dismay, and his smash hit, Benny Mardones has been placed on most child molester watch lists

That completes this list of the Ultimate Shower Songs, Part Deux. Feel free to comment on your own personal favorites and let the debate begin!

If The Food's So Bad For You, Then How Come There's No Fat Chinese People in Chinese Restaurants???

First off...what did I say about a Bialy??? It needs to be TOASTED and crispy. Not soft and mushy. For fuck's sake. My tomato was crispier than my bialy. Thanks a lot for ruining my breakfast assholes.

Ok...onto today's topic du jour. I'm not saying there's NO fat chinese people in this world, but isn't it EXTREMELY rare to find a fat chinese person working in a chinese food restaurant or take out joint? Think about it. It's not like John Pinette is behind the counter making your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

If Pinette worked at a Chinese food restaurant would he look more like Bruce Lee?

The reason behind this question you ask? Well, just came across this doozy of a story from the associated press:

------
Chinese Restaurant Food Called Unhealthy
Study Casts Critical Eye at Typical Menu
By LIBBY QUAID
AP WASHINGTON (March 21) - The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos, a consumer group has found.

A plate of General Tso's chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day. The battered, fried chicken dish with vegetables has 1,300 calories, 3,200 milligrams of sodium and 11 grams of saturated fat. That's before the rice (200 calories a cup). And after the egg rolls (200 calories and 400 milligrams of sodium).

"I don't want to put all the blame on Chinese food," said Bonnie Liebman, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which did a report released Tuesday. "Across the board, American restaurants need to cut back on calories and salt, and in the meantime, people should think of each meal as not one, but two, and bring home half for tomorrow," Liebman said.

The average adult needs around 2,000 calories a day and 2,300 milligrams of salt, which is about one teaspoon of salt, according to government guidelines. In some ways, Liebman said, Italian and Mexican restaurants are worse for your health, because their food is higher in saturated fat, which can increase the risk of heart disease.

While Chinese restaurant food is bad for your waistline and blood pressure - sodium contributes to hypertension - it does offer vegetable-rich dishes and the kind of fat that's not bad for the heart. However - and this is a big however - the veggies aren't off the hook. A plate of stir-fried greens has 900 calories and 2,200 milligrams of sodium. And eggplant in garlic sauce has 1,000 calories and 2,000 milligrams of sodium.

"We were shocked. We assumed the vegetables were all low in calories," Liebman said. Also surprising were some appetizers: An order of six steamed pork dumplings has 500 calories, and there's not much difference, about 10 calories per dumpling, if they're pan-fried.

The group found that not much has changed since it examined Chinese food 15 years ago. That's not all bad, Liebman said. "We were glad not to find anything different," she said. "Some restaurant food has gotten a lot worse. Companies seem to pile on. Instead of just cheesecake, you get coconut chocolate chip cheesecake with a layer of chocolate cake, and lasagna with meatballs."

The group says there is no safe harbor from sodium on the Chinese restaurant menu, but it offers several tips for making a meal healthier:

Look for dishes that feature vegetables instead of meat or noodles. Ask for extra broccoli, snow peas or other veggies.

Steer clear of deep-fried meat, seafood or tofu. Order it stir-fried or braised.

Hold the sauce, and eat with a fork or chopsticks to leave more sauce behind.

Avoid salt, which means steering clear of the duck sauce, hot mustard, hoisin sauce and soy sauce.

Share your meal or take half home for later.

Ask for brown rice instead of white rice.



-----
Wait...did you just tell me that my order of Steamed Dumplings is 600 calories and it's only another 60 calories if I get them fried???? Are you fuckin kidding me? All these years I've been going steamed cause I thought it was heathlier? Fuck that...fry those bitches for me from now on. Shit, for an extra 60 calories I'll walk around my apartment a few more times to burn it off. And you want me to lay off the duck sauce?? Yeah, right. Egg roll meet Duck Sauce. Duck Sauce meet Egg Roll. Plus have these people ever eaten brown rice??? It sucks. No flavor. It only has flavor when you add Soy Sauce.


Egg rolls are a lonely bunch without duck sauce

And that comment about eating your food with a fork or chopstix to help leave sauce behind? When’s the last time you saw someone take the plate to their mouth and pour the General Tso’s chicken down their throat? Am I missing something here? I’ve never eaten Chinese food with a spoon unless it was Wonton soup…and even then its hard to grab the Wontons and pork on your spoon. How else would you eat the fucking food? I understand the whole "sauce on the side" thing. I get it. But the eat with a fork or chopstix to leave sauce behind...what the fuck does that mean?

You know what I think….this is uncovering a conspiracy by the Chinese to get the Americans fat and lazy with their food so we won’t pay any attention to them until they have taken over the world! Americans will drop dead from all of the fat and sodium in Chinese food, which is by far the most popular type of food in America. Plus in light of the recent regulation of fast food restaurants, you don’t see Chinese take out restaurants having to alter their menus with dehydrogenated oil or whatever that shit was that McDonalds needed to switch too to make their food “healthier”. Am I right? I didn’t see the Wok N Roll come under scrunity like McDs, Wendy’s or KFC did. I think our government is in on this too. Yep, the U.S. government secretly wants us all to drop dead so they too can share worldwide domination with the Chinese. Need proof? Look at Hillary Clinton’s confirmation name. Don’t know it? Her full name is Hillary M. Rodham Clinton. The M? Stands for Ming. As in Ming Dynasty.

Hillary with her "secret" Chinese liasons plotting to take over the world

So what else isn’t the government telling us? There has to be more to the story right? The answer is YES (said in a Marv Albert, Ewing just hit a jumper and got fouled giving the Knicks the lead in the 4th quarter of game 7 of the NBA Finals voice).

Being that I'm a sleuth, I've decided to be proactive and do some "classified research". Thanks to a few sources, some threatening now that I’m a licensed hunter and a few boxes of Twinkies as bribes, here's some of the surprising facts that our friends in the guberment aren't telling us about calorie consumption (WARNING: THIS INFORMATION IS EXTREMELY CONFIDENTIAL, BUT I WANTED TO SPREAD THE WORD AND SHARE THESE FACTS WITH YOU SINCE YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ARE. IF NOT, THEN YOU ARE MY READERS AND THUS YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. EVEN IF YOU HATE MY GUTS AND WANT TO STAB ME IN THE EYE WITH A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER, THE FACT THAT YOU STILL VISIT MY BLOG SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US DOESN’T IT? ADMIT IT, YOU NEED ME. SO JUST LET YOUR HATRED GO AND BE MY FRIEND)

Holding a pen in your hands contributes to sodium intake.
Yep...the simple act of holding a pen in your hands allows the ink to penetrate the skin through osmosis. The ink turns into sodium once inside the skin at a rate of 10 mg of sodium for every second the pen is in your hand.

Walking barefoot on crumbs can contribute to calorie intake
Walking in your kitchen barefoot? Better put on those slippers. Each crumb you walk on seeps into your skin contributing to your caloric intake. Each crumb contributes 10 calories to your daily intake. Unless the culprit is coffee cake crumbs...then you're looking at 20 cals per crumb stepped on.

Soap is nothing but saturated fat
This was a big secret. The liquid soap you use in the shower is made with pure saturated fat that just oozes into your skin. Use a loofah? You're just doubling the amount of soap you're pushing through your pores. How bad is it? Lets try 5g of saturated fat for every ounce of soup used. Bar soap is slightly better for you, but still contributes 2.5g of saturated fat for every ounce rubbed into your skin.

Toothpaste is full of sugar
Brush your teeth and they feel cleaner, right? Well you may as well run while you brush. Each squeeze of toothpaste on your brush that you clean your teeth with contributes 30 grams of sugar to your system, which instantly turns to fat - the kind of fat that is never, ever broken down. Surprised? Well, have you ever noticed why the Brits are thin but have bad teeth?

Wanna know how Austin stayed thin? He never brushed his teeth.

Looking at food adds weight
This was the biggest shocker of all. Just the act of looking or thinking about food was more likely to cause the waist line to expand. “Just looking at fattening foods like chocolate cake or a greasy pile of nachos was like injecting a gallon of fat directly into your skin” said one scientist in the classified study. “The fat from these foods apparently is able to enter the skin through the cornea of your eye” said the scientist, claiming that he once put on 5 pounds just by staring at a piece of German Chocolate Cake.
I found out through my sources that the government is secretly working with Ray Ban to develop special “UVF” sunglasses which will block the fat rays emitted by fattening foods from entering the body through the cornea. The government is currently testing these special glasses on Delta Burke and Louie Anderson.
<
Louie Anderson recently told CNN in an interview he was test piloting special “weight reduction” glasses for the government

There are many other fun facts our government isn't sharing with us. Make sure you spread the word about these injustices being done to the American peoples.
In the meantime, I need to tend to an order of sweet and sour chicken, pork fried rice and an egg roll that has my name on it!

Grammy Observations

So I watched the Grammy awards last night for the first time in eons. Pretty entertaining as most of the program is dedicated to actual music being played rather than 2 hour long acceptance speeches. Anyway, it was still a long program, but here are some of my observations:

Shakira is a terrible singer. I know, she's hot. And the girl can dance. But seriously she sounded terrible on the Grammys. I know she has a "distinctive" (i.e. Nasal) tone but without the help of a recording studio it sounded terrible. Maybe she should stick with belly dancing. If it wasn't for Wyclef I probably would've hit the mute button.


Smokey Robinson got some work done. I mean he's 125 years old and he looks more plastic than Ken (of Barbie fame). Now we know why his new album is called Timeless Love. Maybe he's been hanging out with Kenny Rogers too much. Hard to see from this picture but just trust me on this, he didn't look good. His eyebrows were definitely lifted something fierce.


The Dixie Chicks get on my nerves. I said it. Kudos to them I guess for winning 20 Grammys but I think that was all part of a political "we hate Bush" voting scheme drummed up by the academy. I mean everyone wants him out of the White House right...who's his biggest enemy?? You guessed it - The Dixie Chicks. I smell conspirarcy. You're gonna tell me their record and album and song was better/more popular than JTs "Sexy Back" or Chili Peppers "Dani California". I think not.

Gnarls Barkley has a great voice. But did he have to come dressed like Murdock (Kareem Abdul Jabbar's character) from Airplane? Didn't get the whole pilot look. Anyway Bridget made the observation of the night when she said Barkley looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters. I think you'd agree! (Click for a larger image and tell me what the difference is!). Did anyone check to see if he was drinking Ecto Cooler last night???


Best vocals of the night are a tie between Mary J. Blige and Christina Aguliera. Both of them belted out heart felt renditions. Both sounded great as well. Well done ladies.

John Mayer is very talented, but he needs to cut his hair. Him and Jessica Simpson are turning into freaks. Literally. Watching Mayer perform during the Grammys and seeing some of his facial reactions, he started to remind me of Edward Sissorhands.


That's a few of the comments I had so far. Enjoy your Monday. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Wedding season is upon us

With wedding season in full swing, and with Bridget & I committed to at least 6 weddings to attend this summer, it got me thinking about the whole wedding party thing. We've all experienced some drunken wedding doozies in our days complete with our share of memorable (or not so memorable) hookups. As everyone knows most hookups are started on the dance floor, for better or for worse. And we all know the dreaded equation of: dancing + drinking + beer goggles = hookup. Especially back when "we" (we = Marist crew) used to spend our freshman year completing the above equation numerous times at Berties. Especially when "we" hooked up with girls with one eye in this case we = Frank)...sorry Frank if you're reading :)

So I've decided to take a shot at which songs are traditionally played at weddings that get us in the mood to abandon our defenses and go for the hookup.

In no particular order:

"Wonderful tonight" by Eric Clapton. No brainer here. Extra browning points if you use this opportunity to dance with the 7 year old niece of the bride.

"Lady in red" by Chris De Burgh. Another no brainer. Especially if the female you're courting is wearing red. Although be warned of singing the lyrics terribly into her ear. That can lose you points right there.

"Hava Nagila". Huh you ask? A few reasons. First it gives you a chance to flex those muscles as you lift the bride in the air in her chair. Second it gives you a glance at just about every lady imaginable at the wedding, since you're flying around in a big circle. Three it gives you opportunity to hold hands with said available female (unless you're holding hands with the grandmother or a member of the male species - then it's not so good.)

"Electric Slide". Really. Don't knock it. The female to male ratio on the dance floor doing the slide is like 30:1. Seriously. Take a look next time.

"Have I told you lately" by Rod Stewart. Just don't sing the lyrics if you've just met the girl. That comes off just a tad to aggressively.

"The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra. The perfect swooning and wooing song. Can't go wrong with Sinatra. Bonus points if you add some twirls and dips to the dance. Just don't drop her.

"Get down on it" by Kool and the Gang. This song is not nearly played enough at weddings. Sometimes it's thrown into that 60s/70s/80s medly. But it's a groovy dance track that lets you slip in for a little close-up action. Just don't pull a muscle in your back trying to go low.

"Amazing" by Lonestar. Just because it's the song everyone knows is completely overused at weddings but is ashamed to admit they like it. It's always a good fall back song for that simple slow dance.

"Don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith. Again another good fall back slow dance song. Not as cheezy as Lonestar.

"Laid" by James. Not played nearly enough. The lyrics practically lend itself to a cheap hookup. Great on finding the drunkest girl at the party -she'll be letting herself go on the dance floor. Swoop in right away before the other guys snatch her up.

"Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Last Dance = Last Chance for hookup. Clutch because it starts slow and ends fast. Bonus points if you can throw some fancy twirls and moves in towards the end.

Here's some songs you should avoid at all costs if necessary:

"Jump around" by House of Pain. No way to stop yourself from looking like an asshole as you mosh and jump your way around the dance floor. Especially if you knock the lady you're trying to pursue over. This song is only acceptable at Irish Weddings where everyone's a drunken mess anyway.

"Bust a Move" by Young MC. I don't care how good of a dancer you were back in the day. You're not anymore.

"Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer. Same as above. Just let the girls do the dancing on this one. As a guy, this also helps to weed out the goombas from the non goombas. The goombas will take over the dance floor with some fancy footwork. Watch to see the type of girls that are attracted to the goombas. Avoid them. Go for the girls that are laughing at them. They're the much cooler type.

Any other thoughts/comments?

Asshole of the day

The asshole of the day award goes to Dr. Nicholas Bartha who in an attempt to kill himself ended up blowing up a whole building that he owned on E. 62nd between Park and Madison.

In case you didn't hear about it, it happened this morning.
Here's the link to the article

Apparently said Dr. was going through a difficult time with divorce and with selling his building. How difficult can your life be when you own, live and work on a building on E. 62nd? Anyway, so this genius locked himself in the basement and tried to kill himself with gas apparently, since Con Ed was getting gas complaints early that morning. Obviously being a doctor he wasn't aware that unleashing gas in a basement of any building where all the pipes and other pressurized stuff live would cause a major explosion. And of course the said Dr. survives the blast which injured 18 people and will now be sued up his asshole by those injured from the explosion. Which of course will put him in further financial distress. Can anyone say suicide??

Anyway this lead me to think what are some of the smarter ways the doctor could have took his own life in NYC. Feel free to add any comments with your thoughts:

1) The proverbial jump onto the tracks of an oncoming train. Guaranteed to almost kill or severely dismember you. Most effective when done in Union Square during rush hour so you can tie up train traffic and ruin the commute for millions of others ("sick passengers" my ass).

2) Jump off a bridge. Although some people survive the plunge, the possibility of drowning after you break a few limbs crashing hundreds of feet down into the water is another added incentive.

3) Rip current off Rockaway (or the current near Spuyten Duyvil in the Bronx). Everyone drowns in Rockaway after they get swept away from the raging rip tide. Although it's seemingly more effective if you're a hispanic or black child who can't swim.

4) Take the subway between 2am - 4am. Also it helps if you get on a stop near a mental hospital or find wherever a construction crew is working so some deranged lunatic can grab a chainsaw that just so happens to be sitting on the platform unattended and hack you to pieces (not that this ever happened before in NYC...or within the last few days or anything)

5) Self inflicted suicide with gun/knife. Being a Dr. this asshole should've known which nerve to cut, no? Or is killing someone with a wound to a major artery just something that is folklore and happens only in bad B movies and tv shows?

6) Sewing your asshole closed and keep feeding yourself. No? That doesn't work? It certainly worked in a Wu-Tang song.

7) Strap yourself onto a conveyor belt and head slowly towards a chainsaw or other chopping device. I mean they use this in every movie, including Superman, although since everyone seems to escape at the very last second there are better options.

8) Swallow pills/lye/harmful chemicals. I mean being a Dr. he would've had access or at least known which medication/chemicals could have killed him quickly without blowing up half of 62nd st. Then again maybe he's a "Dr." just like "Dr. Jonathan Zizmore" and his super duper acne medication.

9) Strap raw meat on your body and find a pack of hungry dogs. Or wolves/coyotes if you happen to see any running wild in Central park.

10) Subject yourself to watching nothing but Pauly Shore movies for a week. Shouldn't need to explain the need to rip out your vital organs and tear out your eyes and ear drums.

Any others you can think of??

Lost Stand-Up Comedy Bits

About 6-7 years ago after watching my friend do standup comedy in the city, and long before there was even a thing called blogs, I had roughly sketched out a routine that I would do if I ever took the stage to do standup one day.

Well in cleaning out my drawers from work, I found scribbled on a few pieces of paper my "stand-up" routine. It's funny to look back and see what the hell was going through my head when I wrote this years ago.

There's a warning, some of this material (like some of my blog posts) are vulgar. So be forewarned. Think Eddie Murphy RAW. Enough said. Btw just try to imagine these being delivered in stand-up comedy style, it'll be funnier that way. Also keep in mind this was written a while back, only a year or two removed from college.

Chris' Stand-Up bits:

Bit 1: "Girls Suck"

I love women. But sometimes they do the stupidiest things. There's only 3 things I ask from a girl:

1) Don't be a bitch to my friends
2) Don't stalk me or not trust me
3) Don't let me finger you when you have a tampon inside of you

I mean really, number three should be fuckin obvious? No? This is a true story. One day back in college I was fooling around with the girl and started to run my fingers down you know where. After getting lost in the bushes (really though - ladies, we only have one favor to ask. Please trim your bushes if they grow to over 3 feet. Please. Doesn't have to be fully shaved. Just navigational for us to know our way around. Pretend men are blind and that is like braille to them. I felt like I needed a map to navigate down there, like I was a Goonie looking for treasure. It's that feeling you have when you're 10 years old and you lose your whiffleball in a thorn bush. You reach in hoping for the best and your hand comes out all scratched and bloodied. And you don't even get the ball or come close to touching it.)

Anyway, I finally found an clearing in the forest and started to explore. Suddenly I hit land. Land? Being that I had only fingered one or two girls before I thought maybe there was something I missed those first few times. So I probe again. She's moaning like I'm hitting her g-spot, meanwhile I feel lost and bewilded. Then I find a string. A string? Am I supposed to pull this for service? Does the mysteries of the vagina open up with one tug? Did I miss something in Anatomy class? Meanwhile she continues to moan - obviously faking it. So I ask her politely is that a tampon I'm feeling? Embarrasingly she says oh yeah, I forgot to take it out. Forgot? I mean how erotic can getting a tampon pushed further into your vagina be? Can't imagine that'd feel very good - ladies correct me if I'm wrong.

Bit #2: Performance Anxiety

The worst thing in the world for a guy - besides fingering a girl with a tampon in her vagina - is performance anxiety. God was cruel with this one.

You finally get invited to the big show. You're over your girl's room for the first time. You're laying in bed, and you begin to fool around, and within seconds you're pitching a tent. Moments later she's flogging the dolphin and you're seconds away from erupting. When suddenly it hits you. You don't know the house rules. Your mind starts to race. Does she want me to cum all over her sheets? Will she cover me up with her hand? Are there paper towels near by? You panic and start to lose control. Captain Happy starts his retreat. She thinks she's doing something wrong so she switches hands and tempo. Meanwhile all you can think about is wishing you had a sock or an old pair of boxers to explode into. You start getting softer and softer -you've lost the battleground. Captain Happy finds his shell. Your girl looks at you in disgust and starts rattling off excuses. "There's another girl, isn't there?". "I'm not attractive enough for you". You're defensiveless to respond. How do you tell her you didn't know if she would rather have a map of hawaii on her ceiling or on her sheets? She walks out of the room and slams the door. Like Seinfeld you blurt out "I didn't know the rules!!!".

So those are two bits I had sketched out. I think they may have gone over well given the right audience and delivery. Any feedback??

Who does this sort of stuff???

Ok, I know I said I'd never use this as a form to bash any of my friends...but in this case I'm using it to bash a former friend. It's a long story, but for those who know it you'll know who I'm talking about. For those who don't know, here's the quick synopsis.

One of my best friends growing up got married a few years back to this witch of a girl. And I mean witch in both attitude and looks wise. Now you know I'm not one to bash people, but trust me on this one. She's not a pretty site. Anyway I basically saved their wedding, literally, since the whole wedding party was ready to walk out by how much of a bitch she was the days leading up to their wedding. And there was plenty of other things that went terribly wrong that weekend, but anyway I haven't spoken to him much in the past 5 years, mainly because I hate her and everytime I called down there, she would interrupt him on the phone. Basically he lost all of his friends and his whole life is her. And none of her friends even like her so basically she has this little world with herself, her husband and their 2 year old son.

Further evidence that she's a complete psycho bitch, she just sent out a mass email this morning with the subject line: "June 2006 Newsletter". I mean really, who the fuck emails their "friends" with an email subject that says June 2006 Newsletter??? I expect that from work or from my gamers anonymous club but really, come on. So now you know the kind of person she is and why I hate her.

Anyway, so without further adieu, take a look at the typical "I have my family completely whipped around me and there's nothing anyone can do about it" letter I just received this morning:

>>>Sorry for the mass emailing, but I figured with the little amount of time I had to write an email this would be the best way to share with everyone what is happening here.

First I must share, SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!! Before Harrison and the needs of the House, this meant lying by the pool, teaching the morning summer school, reading book after book after book, as well as figuring out ways to annoy my husband during the day while he still had to work :). Now, of course, it is just as busy as going to work. There is just so much to do in this house. For those of you who don't know yet, we are finally finishing the room above the garage (to be used a playroom but if we ever decide to move it can be a fourth bedroom which is a big sell factor in VA.) While we have taken out a loan, we decided to have the general contractor do some other things around the house as well, such as put in new carpeting (since it is the org. carpet from 13 years ago) as well as put laminate hardwood floor in the dining room and kitchen, and tile in the bathrooms (instead of that god awful linoleum). Since all the flooring in the house is being replaced, it has lead us to painting rooms (FINALLY). We have been living in the same house for four years now and the only room that had ever been painted was Harrison's room before he was born. So we have been surrounded by white and it is time to change that. In fact, Rob is downstairs right now cleaning out the "mudroom" so I can wash the walls and tape it up tomorrow during Harrison's nap in order to paint it tomorrow night and Saturday night. It will be buttercup yellow, which is also in the kitchen thanks to painting last Saturday. For that job my sister came down to watch Harrison so we could do it in a day, spending the nights before prepping for the job. It would have been much easier to do this pre-Harrison days, but then I guess we didn't really know what we wanted back then, plus it is much easier to do knowing the floor is being replaced.

So with construction and painting going on, the rest of my free time is spent entertaining Harrison as well as keeping him out of the contractor's way. (Fortunately he thinks Harrison is just the cutest and takes the time to say hello to him everytime he has to come through the living room.) I was hoping to update his scrapbook/baby book, but I guess that will have to wait until the house is back in order again (which would also translate to the start of the school year) :(

We are rushing to get the mudroom painted this weekend for two reasons, we are using the same paint as the kitchen so we don't want the paint to just sit around and I leave town on Sunday night which would mean waiting another week to paint which didn't seem like a good idea. I am going to James Madison University to partake in a free class on teaching problem solving (free to me because the state gave me a scholarship to go) Luckily three people from my school are going as well so we should be able to have some fun as well. :) I will miss being with Harrison and Rob though. It is the first time I will be leaving them for more than a weekend.

Rob is doing well. Summer months keep him busy at work. He does love the fact that during the summer I get to pretend to be a housewife and he rarely has to worry about getting dinner on the table when he gets home. Between my graduate school classes and work, we usually took turns getting dinner ready. Sadly, that's the only exciting thing going in his life. :( He gets very excited by the progress happening in the unfinished room. It is amazing what two men can accomplish in one day (though I do feel sorry for them doing in it 97 degree weather.)

Harrison is doing great. We are working hard on potty training, being that he is almost two and 1/2. On Friday he actually went in the potty, but he usually just sits on it. The trick lately is getting him to sit on it since there is so much other stuff going on around him. My goal every day is to wear him out, making bed time a lot easier. Today is definitely worked. I invited the two kids next door that are close to his age over to play in his wading pool and with his sand/water table. My back porch is completely covered in sand (which Harrison later said "sorry mommy" for) but it was completely worth it. He actually asked to go to bed tonight. Tomorrow we have a play date with a friend from daycare, so hopefully it will be successful for nap time as well (considering I really need the time to prep the mudroom for tomorrow night). Harrison is also talking up a storm, a mixture of his words and our words. It was amazing how shy the three kids got today even though they know each other. No one was really talking (except the adults) but they all played so diligently together. I wonder if kids can communicate through ESP?

Harrison has gotten so big. Attached is his school picture from May. Hope you like it.

Talk to you all soon.>>>

Are you kidding me??? Why don't you just tell me how many times this past month you took a shit too? Really. And you can tell that she has her husband's balls completely removed from his body, right? Is that blatently obvious to anyone else but me??? I love the line "Sadly, that's the only exciting thing going in his life." Maybe if you weren't such a fuckin control freak and had to control his entire life he'd have a little more excitement in it. And who refers to a color as Buttercup Yellow??? WTF?? Gosh...you're such an idiot.

Anyway that ends my rant for this morning. It's gonna be a stormy Friday so I figured I'd just contribute my volatility to the air. :)

Equation of happiness

Bridget and I were talking about a gift that her friend Kristen is giving to her fiancee. The gift is a nice Kenmore BBQ, with enough BTU's and plenty of grill space to make any man happy. In taking about how great giving a man a grill as a gift is we came up with the equation: man + grill = happy.

I know personally that couldn't be more true. I'm happiest when i'm working the grill. Whether it be feeding myself or feeding 3,000 like that Student Booster club BBQ we did at Marist, give me an open flame and some meat products to flame broil and I'm a happy camper. I think the same would be true for any guy...except for those who've had their balls removed.

Anyway, wanted to share another picture of some of the wall adornments in my office. This pic was taken standing up in my cube.



Also thanks to visiting Rob and Christine this past weekend I have downloaded a Nintendo emulator. I mean it's not completely the same without the square controller in your hand, but you don't have to blow into the machine every two seconds to clean out the dust. And all the favorite games were available to download as ROMS: Super Mario Bros., Ice Hockey, Bases Loaded, Rygar, Contra, Baseball Stars, Tecmo Bowl, etc etc. You can check out RomNation.net for all of the games available. Although now most of my nights will probably be dedicated to playing the old school games on my new school controller. Hopefully I can get through a season of Baseball Stars without having the game reset on me.

Perhaps this leads to another equation: man + gaming = happy. Although that will inevitably lead to another equation: man + gaming + live-in girlfriend = unhappy girlfriend. But luckily for me I have the best girlfriend in the whole wide world who won't mind if I play Nintendo on the computer for hours on end every night. Right Bridget? :) Haha...well maybe not every night. But there's nothing really on TV during the summer that's worth watching except for Last Comic Standing and reruns of Everyone Loves Raymond.

Now if we men can only figure out the equation for female happiness all would be right with the world!

Greatest Sandwiches

So last night having dinner with John and Erica (avid readers of this blog btw - and a link to John's top-notch photography will be available through this blog soon) we mentioned a good blog topic. But of course 30 minutes later I forgot what it was. So Erika if you could remind me what it was, since I don't have a brain anymore - Thanks! (Post blog note - Erica reminded me what the topic was...it was about "what there is always room for". I was saying that there's always room for tomatoes even though i was full from dinner. There's also always room for jello. But that's for another blogging day. Thanks Erica for the reminder).

Anyway, funny cause my blog today was going to be about the Ultimate Sandwiches. And lo and behold this am on Fox 5 Good Day New York this am what do they have featured? Sandwiches. From Lenny's Deli. And one of them was actually my favorite sandwich of all time. So as we embark on this Memorial Day weekend full of drinking, bbq and drinking, here's my favorite sandwiches of all time...


1) The Thanksgiving Dinner. The irrestible combination of fresh roasted turkey, cranberry slices and stuffing is a staple of every Thanksgiving day table (if you don't like any of the three you should be deported to France so Marie Antoinette can decapitate you). Well place all three of these ingredients on a hearty sub roll or wrap and you've got yourself the best sandwich ever! Although eating this comes with a sleep inducing warning. One of the best places to get this sandwich as at 696 Deli on 3rd Avenue btw 43rd and 44th.

2) The Cape Cod. Similar to the Thanksgiving dinner, the cape cod utilizes thinly sliced roasted turkey and cranberries (although this sandwich involves using a cranberry compote/spread). Add some thinly sliced granny smith apples, some swiss cheese and a thin layer of mayo and let your taste buds erupt. It's the perfect summer sandwich since it's lite in texture and flavor. Best eaten with sand between your toes, or on your favorite park bench surrounded by 10,000 pigeons. No one makes the Cape Cod quite like the Amish Market (4 locations throughout the city).

3) Chicken parm hero. Nothing else to say.

4) Roast Beef au jus. Hot Roast Beef. Flavorful gravy. Soft gravy soaked bun. It's the only sandwich that ever made me moist. No one. I mean no one, makes this better than Brennan & Carr in Brooklyn.

5) PB&J. Yep, that's right. It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Peanut Butter Jelly Time. If you don't know the reference click here to introduce yourself to Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

Please leave off the bananas. Or pickels. Just creamy peanut butter (or chunky) and grape jelly (strawberry jam a good second choice. Even better on white bread...although whole wheat is a close second.

6) White trash special. Baloney. Mayo. White Bread. If you haven't enjoyed this one in a while go back to your roots. Get some freshly sliced Boars Head Baloney. Some nice fattening mayo. And 2 slices of Wonder Bread. This was my favorite sandwich growing up. Ate baloney like it was going out of style. I was so sodium filled from the baloney I could have doubled for a thanksgiving parade balloon. Actually I still can.

Other notables:

Salami (Genoa) and Swiss w/ Mustard. Even better when stacked with a ton of fattening salami goodness.

Chicken Cutlet w/ American cheese, Mayo, lettuce and tomato.

Roast beef, with Muenster cheese, lettuce, tomato and Mayo.

Hot grilled chicken, roasted red peppers and provolone.

Ham & Cheese. Either cold or grilled. On white trash white bread if you want to keep it real and not get all fancy like Au Bon Pain.

Tuna Melt. Better when the cheese is oozing off the sandwich.

I'm sure there's others but I have some work to do. So feel free to add a comment and mention your favorites.

A little too early for this...

So on my way to work this morning at the ungodly time of 6:45 am. Yes 6:45 am...I had to set up a conference at the Harvard Club. Yes the Harrrverd Club. So distinguished and polished. I felt richer and more educmacated just walking through the crimson doors onto the crimson carpet through the crimson lined walls with crimson lamp shade adornments (you get the picture). Anyway after two 6 trains wiz by the stop at 103rd going express (cause obviously us poor folk in east harlem don't need to go to work either) I get on an empty 6 train, meaning there was plenty of room to maneuver without getting arrested for subway grinding.

At 86th street I move to the middle of the car with a good 10 feet of room on either side of me clear. Of course the rats rush onto the train looking for a seat (rats = commuters...not actual rats. Although how funny would that be. Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets hops on the 6 with his little business suit and micro sized NY Times. That would be a sight). After the rats find their seats I still have tons of room on either side of me and there's open space galore. Which means only one thing. That people will crowd around the nearest person they see.

It's amazing, no one knows what to do with empty space on the train. The first thing people normally do is find that first pole and cling to it, like a "dancer" at a strip club.

(Side note: Could there be anything dirtier than a subway pole? I mean I know strippers slide up and down the poles at strip clubs, but how many strippers work at a given club a day? 30, 40? And compare that to how many people touch the subway poles a day. A few thousand? And don't give me the hand is cleaner than crotch excuse. Not unless you know where everyone's hands on that train have been. At least with the stripper you know what you're getting - Dirty whore. Who knows what you're getting on a subway pole. Dirty whore. Sleazy business execs oozing with grease. The occassional child molester. I rest my case).


I betcha she wouldn't be licking this pole if it was in a strip club. But isn't the subway dirtier?

Anyway so this scumbag stands about 2 inches from me with his bookbag shoved into my kidneys. I mean come on dude, you got like 10 feet of empty real estate next to you and you have to fucking dry hump my leg on the train. This is followed by some goth chic moving to within 3 inches on my other side. I look left beyond the guy practically standing on my shoulders and you can park a 18 wheeler in the middle of the train without touching anyone. But look right and there's about 30 people huddled together like penguins trying to brave the Antartic cold. I'd expect this kind of behavior during peak rush hour times but at 7am, come on...give me a freakin break. Oh and it doesn't end there.

On my way walking down 45th between Park & Madison on route to the Harrrverd Club (btw I was so tempted to say to members of the Harvard Club that I went to Yardsley and had a perfect 4.0 - that's South Park reference from that episode where the kid is hitting on Wendy in competition w/ Stan. You know the episode where Stan throws up on Wendy everytime he talks to her) this guy about 50 feet in front of me is walking full steam, staring straight into his Crackberry. You can see where this is going. I move about 15 feet to the right to give this schmuck on wheels room to drift all over the sidewalk like Billy Joel driving on a backroad in the Hamptons and what does he do...make a fucking B line right towards me. Not looking. Head down. Had I not turned my shoulder in a Matrix type move I would have knocked his front teeth out. And I should have...but at 7 am I was still a little sleepy to be throwing body checks around the streets.

I may start a petition to make walking and using your CrackBerry illegal...similar to the cell phone ban while driving. Although I wish I had morphing abilities so that at the last second I can morph into a telephone pole and have these crackberry assholes slam head first into the pole. Then morph back into a human to laugh at them when they try to pick up the 1,000 pieces of crackberry fragments all over the sidewalk. That'll teach them to walk with their head up next time.

Anyway so that's been my lovely day so far...and I just got a leg cramp from being on my feet for 5 straight hours so i'm gonna go limp around for a while.

Until next time America...don't be kind to each other out there until someone shows kindness first. That sounds a lot better than "be kind to each other out there".

Ultimate Shower Songs

So before I begin… This morning Bridget & I had a “Trainspotting Celebrity Sighting”. No not the movie. We saw a James Van Der Beek look-a-like. Dawson in the flesh. Complete with parted floppy blond hair and untucked button down shirt. His version of Joey was there too, albeit she was blond. But they argued. Separated for a bit. But then came together with an embrace. Why is this funny? No reason, except for that Bridget and I started humming the Dawson Creek theme song out loud… You know the one. “I don’t wanna wait, for my life to be over….do do do do”. Followed by my impersonation of the WB announcer saying ”on the next Dawson’s Creek.”

Anyway, so I know everyone’s done this at least once in their lives in the shower. No not that...not that there’s anything wrong with it (it's completely sanitary and it washes away!) I’m talking about singing in the shower. You lose all inhibition and belt out your favorite, and often embarrassing, songs. Doesn’t matter how high/low key the song is, the shower is the ultimate recording studio. Everything sounds perfect to your ears. Maybe the water in our ears makes us tone deaf. But it’s definitely true. I’ve stayed in the shower a few extra minutes just to belt out a few tunes.

So this got me thinking, what are the best songs to sing in the shower? Obviously you don’t want one that requires too much movement and dancing, lest you want to slip and fall and break your leg like Brian Leetch on a patch of ice outside your home.

So being curious I did a google search on Ultimate Shower Songs. And wouldn’t you know I wasn’t disappointed. Although I don’t really agree with the list on this site, here’s the link:
http://rateyourmusic.com/list/dr_dog/shower_songs/

Another search on songs to sing in the shower yielded:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=Good+songs+to+sing+in+the+Shower+&btnG=Search

Anyway, enough with what other people think. Here are some songs I think are the ultimate shower classics. Feel free to post your comments and I’ll add them to the list.

(In no particular order with side comments on why you should/already have sung this song in the shower)

Tempted by the Fruit of Another by Squeeze? The whole “fruit” thing… Being naked…..whatever. It’s one of your favorite guilty pleasure songs from the Reality Bites soundtrack)

Since You’ve Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson. Solely because no one can hear you shrieking a high key above the water. And no one can make fun of you when you know all of the words. And when you jump up and down during the chorus. (Again, not that there’s anything wrong with this). Actually Kelly Clarkson is becoming quite a good shower singing artist… They should give her a "Shammy" for that (Shower Grammy for those slow on the uptake).

Open Arms by Journey. To show off your sensitive side to yourself and your favorite body wash. Plus who doesn’t love Journey. Don’t Stop Believin is another shower worthy classic.

How am I supposed to live without you by Michael Bolton. Actually anything by Michael Bolton sounds good in the shower. The low key mumbling actually sounds cool acoustically in the shower. Not so much for Michael McDonald songs though… Those just sound terrible all the time.

Loving You by Minnie Riperton… It’s the only time in your life you can hit the high F without breaking glass or someone breaking your face with their fist.

Outside by Staind. When you have the ideal temperature in your shower and want to get the most out of the hot water before everyone else in your building uses it. Plus singing Staind makes you sound like a badass. Same goes with any Linkin Park or Fuel song.

Hound Dog by Elvis. Most Elvis songs for that matter. Jailhouse Rock, etc… Just be careful swinging the hips into the shower walls.

Anything by Eminem or Tupac or Biggie or any other rapper. Just because when you screw up every 4th word, you won’t embarrass yourself in front of others. And because cursing is cool in the shower. Makes you feel like a bad ass even if your flabby, untoned body is flailing away everywhere (ok…ok…unnecessary visual – but when have I NOT been one to cross the line with inappropriate comments??)

You should be dancin’ by the Bee Gees. Half for the falsetto voice you need to maintain that sounds smooth in the shower; half because shakin your tailfeather helps you get cleaner.

Do you believe in magic by the Lovin Spoonful. Especially after you caught American Pie last night on cable and Ostriker singing the song in choir practice got stuck in your head.

Light My Fire by the Doors. Great song to get pumped up to for a big night out. Or if you want to burn off all of your chest hair.

Feel like makin love by Bad Company… Another perfect “pregame” song… Or if you have a hot date with the blow up doll you just bought.

Zombie by the Cranberries… Who can resist singing the chorus as loud as you can… "In your heaaaad. In your heeead. Zom bay Zom bay Zom bay bay bay…."

Mr. Jones by Counting Crows. Only because the words are etched in your head from a hazy, pot smoking evening in college. Same goes with Weezer’s Buddy Holly, Champagne Supernova by Oasis and Jeremy by Pearl Jam.

Anything by Ashlee Simpson. Because I mean, this is just too easy. All you have to do is turn on the radio to any song and start singing the lyrics to another song. And then when you realized you fucked up, you can start doing a jig. But seriously, I feel for you Ashlee. I too had the G.E.R.D. And it isn’t pretty.

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Only because you’re the only one who won’t think you sound like Weird Al Yankovic trying to sing the chorus.

Caribbean Queen by Billy Ocean… Although all you probably know is the two lines in the chorus… So you just sing those over and over again. "Caribbean Queen. Now we're sharing the same dream. Two hearts that beat like one. No more love on the run." Awesome. Just awesome. God bless Billy Ocean. Plus it’s an endless debate on how to pronounce Caribbean. Is it Ca- rib- e -in or Carri –be- in? Some mysteries just never go explained.

I’m sure there’s tons of other fun ones….but that’s where your comments come in. Have fun with this one. Post your comments and I'll add them to the list.