Thursday, March 22, 2007

If The Food's So Bad For You, Then How Come There's No Fat Chinese People in Chinese Restaurants???

First off...what did I say about a Bialy??? It needs to be TOASTED and crispy. Not soft and mushy. For fuck's sake. My tomato was crispier than my bialy. Thanks a lot for ruining my breakfast assholes.

Ok...onto today's topic du jour. I'm not saying there's NO fat chinese people in this world, but isn't it EXTREMELY rare to find a fat chinese person working in a chinese food restaurant or take out joint? Think about it. It's not like John Pinette is behind the counter making your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

If Pinette worked at a Chinese food restaurant would he look more like Bruce Lee?

The reason behind this question you ask? Well, just came across this doozy of a story from the associated press:

Chinese Restaurant Food Called Unhealthy
Study Casts Critical Eye at Typical Menu
AP WASHINGTON (March 21) - The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos, a consumer group has found.

A plate of General Tso's chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day. The battered, fried chicken dish with vegetables has 1,300 calories, 3,200 milligrams of sodium and 11 grams of saturated fat. That's before the rice (200 calories a cup). And after the egg rolls (200 calories and 400 milligrams of sodium).

"I don't want to put all the blame on Chinese food," said Bonnie Liebman, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which did a report released Tuesday. "Across the board, American restaurants need to cut back on calories and salt, and in the meantime, people should think of each meal as not one, but two, and bring home half for tomorrow," Liebman said.

The average adult needs around 2,000 calories a day and 2,300 milligrams of salt, which is about one teaspoon of salt, according to government guidelines. In some ways, Liebman said, Italian and Mexican restaurants are worse for your health, because their food is higher in saturated fat, which can increase the risk of heart disease.

While Chinese restaurant food is bad for your waistline and blood pressure - sodium contributes to hypertension - it does offer vegetable-rich dishes and the kind of fat that's not bad for the heart. However - and this is a big however - the veggies aren't off the hook. A plate of stir-fried greens has 900 calories and 2,200 milligrams of sodium. And eggplant in garlic sauce has 1,000 calories and 2,000 milligrams of sodium.

"We were shocked. We assumed the vegetables were all low in calories," Liebman said. Also surprising were some appetizers: An order of six steamed pork dumplings has 500 calories, and there's not much difference, about 10 calories per dumpling, if they're pan-fried.

The group found that not much has changed since it examined Chinese food 15 years ago. That's not all bad, Liebman said. "We were glad not to find anything different," she said. "Some restaurant food has gotten a lot worse. Companies seem to pile on. Instead of just cheesecake, you get coconut chocolate chip cheesecake with a layer of chocolate cake, and lasagna with meatballs."

The group says there is no safe harbor from sodium on the Chinese restaurant menu, but it offers several tips for making a meal healthier:

Look for dishes that feature vegetables instead of meat or noodles. Ask for extra broccoli, snow peas or other veggies.

Steer clear of deep-fried meat, seafood or tofu. Order it stir-fried or braised.

Hold the sauce, and eat with a fork or chopsticks to leave more sauce behind.

Avoid salt, which means steering clear of the duck sauce, hot mustard, hoisin sauce and soy sauce.

Share your meal or take half home for later.

Ask for brown rice instead of white rice.

Wait...did you just tell me that my order of Steamed Dumplings is 600 calories and it's only another 60 calories if I get them fried???? Are you fuckin kidding me? All these years I've been going steamed cause I thought it was heathlier? Fuck that...fry those bitches for me from now on. Shit, for an extra 60 calories I'll walk around my apartment a few more times to burn it off. And you want me to lay off the duck sauce?? Yeah, right. Egg roll meet Duck Sauce. Duck Sauce meet Egg Roll. Plus have these people ever eaten brown rice??? It sucks. No flavor. It only has flavor when you add Soy Sauce.

Egg rolls are a lonely bunch without duck sauce

And that comment about eating your food with a fork or chopstix to help leave sauce behind? When’s the last time you saw someone take the plate to their mouth and pour the General Tso’s chicken down their throat? Am I missing something here? I’ve never eaten Chinese food with a spoon unless it was Wonton soup…and even then its hard to grab the Wontons and pork on your spoon. How else would you eat the fucking food? I understand the whole "sauce on the side" thing. I get it. But the eat with a fork or chopstix to leave sauce behind...what the fuck does that mean?

You know what I think….this is uncovering a conspiracy by the Chinese to get the Americans fat and lazy with their food so we won’t pay any attention to them until they have taken over the world! Americans will drop dead from all of the fat and sodium in Chinese food, which is by far the most popular type of food in America. Plus in light of the recent regulation of fast food restaurants, you don’t see Chinese take out restaurants having to alter their menus with dehydrogenated oil or whatever that shit was that McDonalds needed to switch too to make their food “healthier”. Am I right? I didn’t see the Wok N Roll come under scrunity like McDs, Wendy’s or KFC did. I think our government is in on this too. Yep, the U.S. government secretly wants us all to drop dead so they too can share worldwide domination with the Chinese. Need proof? Look at Hillary Clinton’s confirmation name. Don’t know it? Her full name is Hillary M. Rodham Clinton. The M? Stands for Ming. As in Ming Dynasty.

Hillary with her "secret" Chinese liasons plotting to take over the world

So what else isn’t the government telling us? There has to be more to the story right? The answer is YES (said in a Marv Albert, Ewing just hit a jumper and got fouled giving the Knicks the lead in the 4th quarter of game 7 of the NBA Finals voice).

Being that I'm a sleuth, I've decided to be proactive and do some "classified research". Thanks to a few sources, some threatening now that I’m a licensed hunter and a few boxes of Twinkies as bribes, here's some of the surprising facts that our friends in the guberment aren't telling us about calorie consumption (WARNING: THIS INFORMATION IS EXTREMELY CONFIDENTIAL, BUT I WANTED TO SPREAD THE WORD AND SHARE THESE FACTS WITH YOU SINCE YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ARE. IF NOT, THEN YOU ARE MY READERS AND THUS YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. EVEN IF YOU HATE MY GUTS AND WANT TO STAB ME IN THE EYE WITH A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER, THE FACT THAT YOU STILL VISIT MY BLOG SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US DOESN’T IT? ADMIT IT, YOU NEED ME. SO JUST LET YOUR HATRED GO AND BE MY FRIEND)

Holding a pen in your hands contributes to sodium intake.
Yep...the simple act of holding a pen in your hands allows the ink to penetrate the skin through osmosis. The ink turns into sodium once inside the skin at a rate of 10 mg of sodium for every second the pen is in your hand.

Walking barefoot on crumbs can contribute to calorie intake
Walking in your kitchen barefoot? Better put on those slippers. Each crumb you walk on seeps into your skin contributing to your caloric intake. Each crumb contributes 10 calories to your daily intake. Unless the culprit is coffee cake crumbs...then you're looking at 20 cals per crumb stepped on.

Soap is nothing but saturated fat
This was a big secret. The liquid soap you use in the shower is made with pure saturated fat that just oozes into your skin. Use a loofah? You're just doubling the amount of soap you're pushing through your pores. How bad is it? Lets try 5g of saturated fat for every ounce of soup used. Bar soap is slightly better for you, but still contributes 2.5g of saturated fat for every ounce rubbed into your skin.

Toothpaste is full of sugar
Brush your teeth and they feel cleaner, right? Well you may as well run while you brush. Each squeeze of toothpaste on your brush that you clean your teeth with contributes 30 grams of sugar to your system, which instantly turns to fat - the kind of fat that is never, ever broken down. Surprised? Well, have you ever noticed why the Brits are thin but have bad teeth?

Wanna know how Austin stayed thin? He never brushed his teeth.

Looking at food adds weight
This was the biggest shocker of all. Just the act of looking or thinking about food was more likely to cause the waist line to expand. “Just looking at fattening foods like chocolate cake or a greasy pile of nachos was like injecting a gallon of fat directly into your skin” said one scientist in the classified study. “The fat from these foods apparently is able to enter the skin through the cornea of your eye” said the scientist, claiming that he once put on 5 pounds just by staring at a piece of German Chocolate Cake.
I found out through my sources that the government is secretly working with Ray Ban to develop special “UVF” sunglasses which will block the fat rays emitted by fattening foods from entering the body through the cornea. The government is currently testing these special glasses on Delta Burke and Louie Anderson.
Louie Anderson recently told CNN in an interview he was test piloting special “weight reduction” glasses for the government

There are many other fun facts our government isn't sharing with us. Make sure you spread the word about these injustices being done to the American peoples.
In the meantime, I need to tend to an order of sweet and sour chicken, pork fried rice and an egg roll that has my name on it!


roger said...

Dude...good're right, I've never seen a fat chinese person working at a restaurant before.

james said...

Hysterical...the master of wit is at it again!

neil from the uk said...

I take offense...not all Brits have bad teeth. Just 99% of us! ;)

Anonymous said...

what's this top blog candidate stuff i'm seeing?

Chris said...

The top blog candidate labels are postings I'm notating as the "best of my blog postings". I'm planning on having the readers like you vote on what their favorite posting of mine was for "What Pushes My Buttons" 1 year anniversary this May. There may be some prizes associated with voting so stay tuned!

george said...

hahaha...dude, you're the best. hysterical. i had to read the part about louie anderson over again cause I was laughing so hard. good stuff.

Anonymous said...

You here 4 go NOW!