Thursday, March 29, 2007

No better feeling there a better feeling than going to your office bathroom early in the morning to take your morning shit and the seat hasn’t been used yet? I mean really, there’s nothing better than taking the first shit of the day on a toilet. The bowl is all clean and pristine and inviting. The seat has a nice coolness to it (I think the worst feeling is sitting on an already used, warm toilet seat not even knowing how many asses have sat down before you). I think taking the first shit on an unused toilet is the most underrated, underappreciated feeling a man can have. I’d argue the same would apply to women, since you make your livelihood sitting (or squatting). Much like men, I’m sure you’d like to have first piss sitting. Correct me if I’m wrong here?

Getting the "all clear" sign that the seat hasn't been used yet today!

Anyway, the subways have been absolutely atrocious the last few days thanks to that building collapse I guess. Although they have been more packed than usual for some reason. Going down to racquetball on Tuesday I had to wait for two 6 trains at 33rd before I even had a shot at getting on. And last night I was going to walk to the bar which was about 25 blocks away, but being that my legs were still sore from playing I’d take the train. Um, yeah, ain’t gonna happen. Couldn’t fight my way onto two straight trains. Ridiculous. Plus I lacked the arm strength to push people out of my way. So instead of starting fights and getting frustrated, I got out and walked.

Yes, walked. Perhaps some of you lazy assholes don’t know that concept but walking is when you put one foot in front of the other and move forward (or backward). But even though the weather has been warm it seems less people want to walk and just cram into the subways to go 3-4 stops to their homes. Which leads me no choice but to enact “nice weather” rules for the subway in effect IMMEDIATELY.

The rules are: if the weather is reasonable 60+ degrees (f) and there’s no inclement weather (i.e. rain, gusty wind, dust storm, etc) and your commute is less than 30 blocks and you are without physical or mental limitations to do so, your ass is barred from taking the subway. Exception to those who have to take the subway to transfer or those who are in an extreme rush to get to their destination (i.e. dinner reservation, theatre, pick up your pet, house is on fire, etc) anyone traveling within a 30 block radius must walk. Save the space for those who have longer commutes or have someplace urgent to be.

Why does this rule make sense? Because by the time you fight to get in the subway and take the subway 3-4 stops (approx 30 blocks) and factoring in the typical rush-hour delays in service, you figure that ride door to door will take about 20-25 minutes on average. Now, if you walked home, say that at a leisurely pace you can walk a block a minute (quick walkers like myself can knock out blocks in about 30-40 seconds). If you averaged a block a minute, 30 blocks would mean you’d be home in 30 minutes. So that would be a five minute difference. And you know what, walking that mile or so is healthier for you and you’ll feel better about yourself, especially since you didn’t spend 20 minutes getting someone’s bag shoved up your ass while you hung on desperately to a pole for balance with your pinky finger. Make’s sense right? For those fat asses who need further motivation, think of the Twinkie you can rip into when you get home as a reward.

For those needing motivation, think of the Twinkies lining the sidewalk on your way home

So next time you’re gonna hop on the subway at Grand Central and get off at 68 street, think again. Your precious $1.5 million one-bedroom apartment isn’t going anywhere. So what if your maid steals some of your jewelry. You’re probably rich enough to afford more anyway.

In other news, in case you didn’t see this, Eddie Griffin (the comedian) crashed a $1.5 million dollar Enzo Ferrari while practicing for a movie.

Watching the video it looks like he drove straight into the wall. Whether he lost control or if this was just a glorified publicity stunt we’ll never know. But this is what bothered me the most about the story:

“The Enzo, valued at around $1.5 million, was owned by the executive producer of ‘Redline,’ Daniel Sadek, whose exotic car collection is featured in the movie the director of the movie made...Only 400 Ferrari Enzos were ever produced, all between 2002 and 2004.”

Griffin standing next to the Ferrari he wrecked

Ok let me get this straight. You own an exotic car that is very rare in quantity and you allow a “B” actor at best with presumably no real race car driving experience to “test drive” a $1.5 million dollar Ferrari out of your own personal collection?? If this is a marketing ploy to increase sales at the box office was it worth it to crash a car that was only produced 400 times? I mean really…the fuckin $10 million your movie is gonna make at the box office is not worth wrecking a Ferrari. The stunt worked in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off for shock value...but its not like they publicized the hell out of that scene before the movie came out.

I say we all boycott this movie (“Redline”) just because of the stupidity of the stunt. I’m not saying the crash was definitely intentional…but it doesn’t look like Griffin made much effort to steer the car away from the barrier. And I love Griffin’s pose in the picture above. It looks like he’s proud of what he did. Good job Eddie and Daniel...way to piss off all exotic car enthusiasts. Hope your movie goes well for you.


Princess Pixybell said...

I NEVER sit on the toilet seat, EYAK even when I know they have just been cleaned imagine how many mingers have sat on it before you! I'm a squatter theres on way my ass is sitting on a loo seat xx

Princess Pixybell said...

haha NO way is what I mean!!! xx

roger said...

i agree...don't want to sit on some sweaty nasty ass toilet seat. i know that's what those "health guards" are there for...but really, who wants to sit on tissue paper? haha

heather said...

eewwww...nasty ass toilet seats. no thank you!

roger said...


neil from the uk said...

i agree wholeheartedly...don't want a warm loo seat. especially from smelly fat americans! haha.

Chris said...

oh neil, you bloody wanker! hah. j/k. not all americans are smelly and fat. just 95% of them!

aussieblogger said...

thanks for shedding light on a topic not everyone likes to talk about (as usual)! cheers from down under...keep me laughing!

neil from the uk said...

haha...funny...look at you throwing around the english slang! wanker. funny.

princess pixybell: glad to see there's more of "us" representing here!