Thursday, March 08, 2007

Rules of Pedestrian Engagement

So now I think I'm ready to vent about pedestrian engagement. Especially after this morning when I was stuck behind a few women walking extremely slow without any reason besides laziness (and without any apparent physical deformities I may add) through the subway turnstiles and then down the stairs. They were walking three aside so it impossible to get around them and basically caused a huge traffic jam into the stairway. Then suddenly they hear the train doors open and now they decide to walk like normal humans and try to run down the stairs and get the train. Of course they and the 20 or so people backed up behind them just missed the train doors closing. Then they bitch about how the train always leaves just when they get there blaming it on the MTA. fuckin lazy fatasses. Maybe if you actually walked instead of just shuffling your feet in laziness maybe, just maybe you'd make the train next time. I'm not saying you have to run. But it wasn't like these people were 400+ pounds and had problems walking. They were just lazy fucks.

So here's my proposal. There should be an International Pedestrian Fellowship Organization (IPFO). Basically this would be the governing body for all issues related to pedestrian behavior, including proper conduct when walking on sidewalks, in groups, in narrow areas, etc. Everyone who is an officer in the IPFO can walk around with handheld GPPID (Global Positioning Personal Identification Devices) units in which they can scan the person who is committing the violation and type into the device what the violation is (for those naysayers, this IS possible since all humans have microchips planted inside of us for identification purposes). There would be a point system assigned to violations (similar to traffic/speeding tickets) and then when the violator reaches a certain point level they would be punished accordigly. Like be beaten over the head with a bag of sand or eventually lose their walking priviledges all together! Likewise pedestrians can be commended for their behavior and receive bonus points which will go towards special priviledges. Such priviledges include getting gold stars, halos, government issued hover boards or having forcefields built around them so no one can infringe on their PWS (Personal Walking Space).

How would this system work you may ask? Well its simple. Those ladies today for example would have been scanned and given a three point deduction on their walking permits (if people need a permit to drive they should have a permit to walk too. What are there more of each day, pedestrian "accidents" or vehicle accidents?) Their violation today would fall under a few violation categories including blocking free flowing pedestrian movement and walking three aside in a narrow space. Plus they would receive a deduction for pure laziness. The laziness carries a 1 point deduction, the others are good for 3 point deductions each. So that's 7 points for their violation this morning. If they were driving, their licenses would be nearly suspended. But since there are more pedestrians than cars, the point system would need to be adjusted (see more on the point systems below).

So what would be considered violations? Glad you asked? Well there are hundreds of ways a pedestrian can violate the IPFO laws but here's some of the more common violations:

1)Persons in groups of three or more who are walking together side by side without giving proper pedestrian flow. If the sidewalk is wide enough to allow three or more pedestrians to walk side by side then that is legal. If it is not wide enough and other pedestrians walking either towards or behind these pedestrians do not have enough room to freely walk around the group, all members shall be hit with a violation of points equal to those members in their party. So a group of three would receive 3 point violations a person. Groups of four would receive 4 point violations and so on.

The proper way to adjust to this situation in groups of three is to have one of the three members either fall behind or ahead of the other two giving a free passing lane to those pedestrians coming from either direction. In groups of four or more, the formation should by 2 in front of 2 in congested/narrow sidewalk situations. Failure to comply with these rules will result in point violaitons. The person(s) who chooses to fall behind or jump ahead to rid themselves of being an obstruction would be awarded 3 points for their actions.

2)Persons in a group of two walking together side by side with more than two feet between them on a small sidewalk. If the sidewalk is narrow or if there are sidewalk obstructions (construction, sidewalk cafes, newsstands, etc) and the two pedestrians have more than two feet between them which impedes traffic flowing through or around them shall be given a 2 point violation. All pedestrians walking two aside in a small area should limit the space between them as much as comfortably possible so pedestrian can freely pass coming towards them or walking around them. All pedestrians complying with this rule would be awarded 2 bonus points.

Proper side-by-side walking technique

3)Persons walking in the middle of the sidewalk slowly in a crowd. Especially in groups. These people tend to be tourists or just lazy assholes, and severely impede normal traffic flow especially during rush hour or in crowded areas. If you follow normal traffic laws, slower traffic always stays to the right. Same should apply for pedestrians. Unless you're turning left into a store, in which case walk on the far left. But stay out of the middle. All people caught in violation will receive a 5 point fine and can be Tasered on site should an elected IPFO official witness the violation. All non IPFO officers can smack these violators in the back of the head for lack of common sense.

There are hundreds of other violations but I don't have enough time nor space to go into the full details. Most of the rules are based on common sense (which most people don't have). All officers of the IPFO can report violations through their GPPID while those who earn points for commendable pedestrian behavior can eventually earn enough points to have their own GPPID.

IPFO Point Deduction System
10 points: Written warning

20 points: $100 fine and second warning

30 points: $250 fine and pedestrian put on alert on all tracking systems

40 points: $500 fine and pedestrian put on walking probation

50 points: $750 fine and pedestrian loses license for a month. Their kneecaps are also smashed with a baseball bat by Jeff Gilloly

Jeff Gilloly will personally smash the kneecaps of any violators reaching the 50 point deduction mark

75 points: $1,000 fine and pedestrian loses license for 3 months. They must wear a sign that says "Bad Pedestrian Walking" and anyone who spots the sign is allowed to hit them over the head with a bag of sand like Homey the Clown

Homey the Clown won't play around if you hit the 75 point deducation mark

100 points: $5,000 fine and pedestrian loses their walking privledges for a year. To ensure this both of their ankles are broken and their kneecaps are removed. They are also put on wheelchair probation and must slither along the street like a snake.

For those pedestrians who comply or go above and beyond to exemplify proper pedestrian behavior here are the awards given.

IPFO Rewards System
10 Points: Written certificate acknowledging proper pedestrian techniques

25 Points: Silver star awarded

50 Points: Gold star awarded and pedestrian has a halo above them to identify that they are outstanding examples of proper pedestrian conduct. These pedestrians can also notate violations made by other pedestrians and report them to the IPFO.

75 Points: Pedestrian is award forcefield in which anyone in violation of the PWS (personal walking space) will receive a shock.

100 Points: Pedestrian is awarded a state of the art, government issued hoverboard which will allow them to coast along the sidewalks and streets with ease. They are also issued a handheld IPFO device in which they now can report violators.

A hoverboard awaits those who have achieved greatness in pedestrian behavior

Anyone who needs a full list of rules and violations please let me know and I'll send one out to you. And next time you find yourself in a position where you're committing a pedestrian violation think about the consequences. I'll be watching!


Roger said...

dude you're fucking hysterical. where do you come up with this shit!

Anonymous said...

haha...lovin' it! I need to get me one of those devices!

James said...

sweet idea! maybe someday it'll come true! lot better post than the naked gym workout...still haven't been able to shake off being disturbed by that one.

aussieblogger said...

If you hit 200 points as an award maybe you can get your own personal kangaroo pouch that someone has to carry you round in. how's that sound mate?

neil from the uk said...

the mind is a mysterious thing some time. don't know where you find your inspiration, but this is brilliant!

Gary said...

I never really think your blog is "top notch" but articles like this are making me a believer!