Monday, July 10, 2006

Asshole of the day

The asshole of the day award goes to Dr. Nicholas Bartha who in an attempt to kill himself ended up blowing up a whole building that he owned on E. 62nd between Park and Madison.

In case you didn't hear about it, it happened this morning.
Here's the link to the article

Apparently said Dr. was going through a difficult time with divorce and with selling his building. How difficult can your life be when you own, live and work on a building on E. 62nd? Anyway, so this genius locked himself in the basement and tried to kill himself with gas apparently, since Con Ed was getting gas complaints early that morning. Obviously being a doctor he wasn't aware that unleashing gas in a basement of any building where all the pipes and other pressurized stuff live would cause a major explosion. And of course the said Dr. survives the blast which injured 18 people and will now be sued up his asshole by those injured from the explosion. Which of course will put him in further financial distress. Can anyone say suicide??

Anyway this lead me to think what are some of the smarter ways the doctor could have took his own life in NYC. Feel free to add any comments with your thoughts:

1) The proverbial jump onto the tracks of an oncoming train. Guaranteed to almost kill or severely dismember you. Most effective when done in Union Square during rush hour so you can tie up train traffic and ruin the commute for millions of others ("sick passengers" my ass).

2) Jump off a bridge. Although some people survive the plunge, the possibility of drowning after you break a few limbs crashing hundreds of feet down into the water is another added incentive.

3) Rip current off Rockaway (or the current near Spuyten Duyvil in the Bronx). Everyone drowns in Rockaway after they get swept away from the raging rip tide. Although it's seemingly more effective if you're a hispanic or black child who can't swim.

4) Take the subway between 2am - 4am. Also it helps if you get on a stop near a mental hospital or find wherever a construction crew is working so some deranged lunatic can grab a chainsaw that just so happens to be sitting on the platform unattended and hack you to pieces (not that this ever happened before in NYC...or within the last few days or anything)

5) Self inflicted suicide with gun/knife. Being a Dr. this asshole should've known which nerve to cut, no? Or is killing someone with a wound to a major artery just something that is folklore and happens only in bad B movies and tv shows?

6) Sewing your asshole closed and keep feeding yourself. No? That doesn't work? It certainly worked in a Wu-Tang song.

7) Strap yourself onto a conveyor belt and head slowly towards a chainsaw or other chopping device. I mean they use this in every movie, including Superman, although since everyone seems to escape at the very last second there are better options.

8) Swallow pills/lye/harmful chemicals. I mean being a Dr. he would've had access or at least known which medication/chemicals could have killed him quickly without blowing up half of 62nd st. Then again maybe he's a "Dr." just like "Dr. Jonathan Zizmore" and his super duper acne medication.

9) Strap raw meat on your body and find a pack of hungry dogs. Or wolves/coyotes if you happen to see any running wild in Central park.

10) Subject yourself to watching nothing but Pauly Shore movies for a week. Shouldn't need to explain the need to rip out your vital organs and tear out your eyes and ear drums.

Any others you can think of??


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