Thursday, June 01, 2006

What not to say in bed

So walking to walk this am at like 7:30am to the 6 train on 103rd your typical riffraff was on the street. There was this one woman, clearly a ho on the pipe, who was either yelling at her pimp or a bad lay...but in either case she called him some things in spanish (with my limited spanish I could make out something like small dick or no balls...something like that). Anyway that gave me a good laugh and got me thinking: what are some of the worst things you can say in bed to someone?

If you're a female, here are some things you probably shouldn't say to a guy during sex (note I may/may not have been told things before...but that's besides the point).

1)Are you in yet? Nothing like making a guy feel more inadequate. Either that or the girl is wider than the Holland Tunnel.

2)Are you done yet? Meaning she has a soap opera she wants to watch, a mani/pedi appt she needs to make, hair she needs to watch...you get the point.

3)Saying the wrong name. I mean even if your mental picture is someone else at least pretend it's the right name. Nothing causes Mr. Happy to get embarrassed more so than calling him the wrong name. You might as well just dump a bucket of cold water on him at that point. It would cause the same result.

If you're a guy you probably shouldn't say (please note I have never said these things before. They are just here for your general amusement. I swear.)

1)Can you pass the pickles. Or any other reference to food. I know, I know...eating and sex go hand and hand...but most girls don't appreciate our love for food.

2)Can you turn over? No matter how curious you think your partner is it's probably best to approach this one at another time.

3)See # 3 above...except instead of upsetting Mr. Happy you'll be unleashing a rage unlike anything you've ever seen. If this is the case learn to become friends with your couch and wear body armor. Maybe you should put yourself in a bubble just to be safe.

Anyway, I'd love to get some of your feedback so add your comments with your favorite what not to say isms.

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